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An Overview of Jashinism by Hidan.

(Alternative Title: Shut the Fuck Up and Listen Brat!)

A/N: I wanna apologize for two things before we start. First I am SO, SO SORRY that the update took this long. I've been suffering from writers block and it's a bigger bitch then Kyle's mom. Also I apologize beforehand if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes, I've been meaning to get a beta-reader but well, I've been working a lot and excuses, excuses, etc. etc.


"W..wha…how?...I…You…stab."

"Yep."

"You…neck…wha?" Naruto stammered and made a vague stabbing gesture at his neck with one hand.

"Fuckin'-A right." Hidan said agreeably.

The blonde stared, mouth opening and closing in a remarkable facsimile of a fish. Hidan informed him of his fish-ness and carelessly wrenched the kunai from his neck, uttering a word that would have made even the drunkest of sailors blush. The shame-inducing word (which probably would have given a nun a heart attack) was what snapped Naruto out of his haze.

"HOW THE HELL AREN'T YOU DEAD?!"

"I'm a Jashinist." The silver haired man shrugged carelessly.

"AND I'M AN UZUMAKI, WHAT THE HELL DOES YOUR LAST NAME HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!"

Violet eyes narrowed in annoyance, "I'm really hoping that shock fried your brain and that you're not actually this fucking stupid blondie. Jashinist isn't a name, it's a religion. Now would you calm the fuck down? Jashin-sama, you scream like a bitch."

Naruto growled at the bitch comment and took several deep breaths, trying to get his heartbeat to go back to its normal pace. It took about ten minutes for the blonde to calm down enough to have an intelligent conversation (it would have only taken five minutes but Naruto had spotted Hidan's infuriating smirk and been forced to start over again).

When Naruto had finally mastered the urge to stab Hidan, he asked the question that was at the forefront of his mind, "How do I become a Jashinist?"

Hidan looked momentarily taken aback, obviously having been expecting more fish impressions and stammering, "There's a conversion ritual. That shit will kill you if you aren't fully committed though."

Thoughts were racing a mile-a-minute underneath Naruto's mop of blonde hair. Seeing as he had been alternately loathed and ignored by his village while growing up he had spent a lot of time looking for something powerful enough to make people sit up and notice him. Really notice him, to see him as Naruto "the next Hokage" Uzumaki, and not as the 'demon brat' or 'monster'. If being immortal didn't get him recognition then nothing would.

Naruto nodded resolutely, "I want to be a Jashinist," he said firmly.

Hidan stared at him, eyes seeming to glow. After several long moments he nodded back, "If you want to convert then I'll have to give you a Jashin-damned history lesson. So you might as well sit the hell down. This'll take a while."

Naruto plopped down onto the cold stone floor, staring attentively up at Hidan. The older man crossed his arms and leaned back against the stone altar.

"Well I guess I should start by explaining who the great Jashin-sama is. Jashin-sama is the God of Death, which basically makes him the god of well…fucking everything, really."

"How does—"

"Shut the fuck up and listen brat! Think about it for a minute, what doesn't die? People die, trees die, plants, animals, I mean even the stars are dead for fuck's sake. That seems like pretty much everything to me. Now, people who worship Jashin-sama are called Jashinists, in case you fucking forgot. Jashin-sama grants his followers immortality on the condition that they send on other people's souls to him. Yes, that means killing them. We have a ritual for that too; come to think of it we have a ritual for pretty much everything. Um, shit, off topic. Anyway, each Jashinist is assigned a soul quota based on how powerful they are. The quotas have to be filled before each of the equinoxes, which are considered holy days. Now, seeing as almost all Jashinists are incredibly powerful their quotas are usually very high, which is why they either wander from country to country or stay in remote regions. After all, mass murder attracts attention like a whore attracts STD's."

"What's an STD?"

"Uh…" Hidan rubbed the back of his neck, obviously uncomfortable, "I'll tell you when you're older. Not the damn point…shut the fuck up and listen brat. "

"Now there are four ways to convert to Jashinism; the first is to be found by the Council of Jashin, although seeing as they were all imprisoned and starved to death by Kirigakure a couple years back that's not really an option anymore. So, fuck it, I guess there are only three ways to convert to Jashinism. You can accidently find one of the temples—there's a temple in each country, in case I forgot to mention—that's pretty damn rare though. There are some crazy serious security measures on some of them; the odds are that you'll die a painful and shitty death. Nowadays the most common way to convert is to make a deal with Jashin-sama. Ya' see brat there are some people who are just cut out to serve Jashin-sama—I'd call them batshit crazy murderers but then I'd be a hypocrite—and when they die Jashin-sama will offer to give them their life back if they pledge to serve him. The third way is to have a Jashinist take you as his apprentice, which is what happened to you. But, well, I'm pretty sure this is the first time a Jashinist has ever taken an apprentice so you're a special case here."

"I-I'm your apprentice?" Naruto's face reddened slightly, although he didn't know why.

Hidan scowled, "Yeah, you are. Got a fucking problem with that?"

Naruto reddened even further and fidgeted uncomfortably, "No! No of course not. It's just that…well… are you sure you want me?"

A silver eyebrow quirked, "And what the fuck's wrong with you?"

The blonde fidgeted more and stared hard at the floor. He continued on hesitantly, "Well…it's just that…the villagers said…I'm always being called a loser and a monster and—"

Naruto was cut off as Hidan began to laugh. He laughed so hard that he doubled over, clutching his stomach. After several minutes of near hysterical laughter the silver-haired man straightened up, wiping his eyes and still chuckling.

"Kid…Naruto, I'm an S rank missing nin who murdered his entire fucking village, if anyone's a monster here it's me. And loser? I call total bullshit on that. No loser would have been able to learn how to wall walk in a fucking day. The people in Konoha were just being dicks to you. They had something shoved up their ass and they were taking it out on you. Those fucks are pathetic, really."

It took a moment for everything Hidan had said to sink in and then Naruto looked up, smiling hesitantly, "So…you mean it then?...I-I'm your apprentice, really?"

Violet eyes rolled in annoyance, "That's what I said you dumbass. Or do you think I just pull emotional speeches outta my ass for fun?"

Naruto's smile widened until it lit up the room.


A/N: And there is a chapter. I admit it's a tad short but it's more of a bridge chapter to the Jashinist training and what not. (I can hear you all screaming "GET TO THE FUCKING SCYTHE AND KILLING ALREADY!" and we're getting there I promise!)

Reviews would be nice, even if it's as simple as a 'good story' or complex as a 'next time you leave us waiting that long for a chapter I'll track you down and brutally murder you'.

Have a nice day/night/alternate dimension smecklon,

Pathetic-really.