WELL! Thank you so much for the three amazing reviewers who warmed my heart with their Love, Support, Thoughts, and Time! I just wanted to say that everyone has something to contribute whether you are a fellow writer or not. It's often the ones that think they don't have much to share are often the ones with the greatest insight.
I'm sorry if I made anyone sad by my last intro post. No two stories I've ever written were comparable, I was wrong to try and put one over the other. Well… Except for my first story… we've all got to start from somewhere. Just because one gets better reviews or more hits doesn't mean the other isn't just as good or better. To each his own.
I actually would love to talk to "Nopenname" who wrote me an awesome and very detailed comment, but did not have an account so I couldn't PM them like I do if people have questions or well thought out comments. You've inspired me to find the meaning and root of my stories which got kind of long winded so I moved it to the end of the chapter… just in case anyone is interested.
I've been told I'm a "Passive Aggressive Writer" sarcasm my native language doesn't always translate well in the written form. Sometimes I just don't have much confidence so putting myself down is easier than waiting for some else to do it. It also feels like it will hurt less if I say it first. When I participate in team sports at work (it's called 'Wellness' and I'd rather… um… you know work.) I'm an equal opportunity shit talker. Joking around is really the most fun part even if it's at my own expense.
Well without further rambling… Enjoy!
Oh one last note that pertains to this story I noticed that in some of my other stories Hitomi talks almost too formally… like Van tends to… very old fashioned. I really tried to channel the girl from the mystic moon in this chapter. Van's point of view up until now, you can't really judge since he is biased.
Forgotten Words
Chapter 7- Loss
Hitomi
Never in my life had I felt anything like it. The terrible burning pain was everywhere and suddenly I was scared something was really wrong. Could the baby feel this pain? Was he hurting too? What had I done?
The last thing I knew before I passed out was Van screaming and reaching for me. I barely had the strength to move and yet he fought the terrible power… to try and protect me. After all the pain we have caused each other I thought he'd be better off without me.
When I woke up I felt… different, lighter, but somehow still worn-out. Where it had been afternoon in Fanelia, the moonlight filtered between the pink curtains of my room. My room?! Somehow I am not only home, but everything looks so normal. A memory of the pain comes back to me and fear for the child takes over. When my hand goes to my stomach I am shocked to find it completely flat. I shoot up in bed checking myself over, lifting my shirt I know I won't find any sign I was ever pregnant, since somehow it seems I never was.
Did I go back in time like before? Back to when I was fifteen and I could make the choice to return to Gaia? I've done that before though. I chose Gaia and Van.
I scramble out of bed tangling the sheets in my haste.
No, I'm sure I'm not fifteen anymore. I'm a little taller and a bit curvier… not much… not nearly as much as I was eight months pregnant either. Walking over to the desk is easy and that feels very strange. To not have the baby is both a relief and a hollow pain. The calendar on the desk tells me that my theory is correct. Its May, not exactly sure which day but most likely whatever day it would have been when I was busy fighting with Van.
Van, the way things are might be exactly as I yelled at him at our parting. He never went after the dragon and chased it to my school track. We've never met and since we have zero connection… we most likely never will. I still have my memories of that time; the war, death, fear, envy, and even the baby. I remember what it feels like to have a soul living inside me. A whole being that grows and changes so quickly, who needs me more than anything in the world.
I send a quick thought that I hope Van is okay. Happy and safe on Gaia, this is a chance for a better less complicated life for the both of us.
Sharp pain explodes behind my eyes. Images flash past quickly, and I suddenly knew what my life would have been like if I stayed on earth.
I beat the 14sec run time and won a kiss from Amano. Yukari cheered me on like a good friend… but as I started dating the guy she liked, our friendship suffered. Amano moved away but we talked on the phone, sometimes. It's what I thought a long distance relationship was before I met Van. Eventually we grew apart and just stopped calling. The crush wasn't strong enough to withstand the distance. It wasn't meant to be.
Normal life continued. School, track team, studying… but Yukari resented me and we never spoke, though she did start a rumor that I was a boyfriend stealer. That hurt, but it was like every other petty high school drama, it feels like the end of the world at the time, but fades away just as quickly.
Then something changed. I couldn't sleep, barely had an appetite anymore, I always felt isolated from classmates and the people around me. The memories come in stronger flashes. Dropping out of the track team, becoming obsessed with my tarot and the one card that always showed up as in danger, the ace of dragons… Pain, loss, fear, darkness, and blood so much blood.
I must have stumbled under the crushing weight of memories from another life. The desk chair I was leaning on clattered loudly to the floor. The next thing I know my mother bursts into the room, her night gown skewed as if she was just jolted awake.
She looked older. Not even one year our time has passed, but more like ten years weighed on her. She grabbed my wrists checking them franticly. Not finding what she feared, mother pulled me into a tight hug rubbing my back in quick circles. Though I missed my mom's hugs and presence more than anything her actions worried me, like the look on her face said I worried her. That's when I looked down at my wrists as she had. Long deep scars followed the veins from wrist partway up my forearm. Ugly, nasty scars… I tried to kill myself.
Disgust and confusion churned in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to deny that I would never do anything so stupid, but then I'd be lying. The 'me' that went to Gaia saw horrible things, but I had people there that understood… mostly, they trusted and supported me. My friends were there through everything; Millearna, Allen, Dryden, Merle, and especially Van.
"Did you have another bad dream?" Mother asked trying to sooth me back to bed like a child after a nightmare.
"Dream?" I question letting her steer me back to the covers twisted from my quick departure. As I was settled back under the quilt my mom scurried over to the desk and returned with a blue journal. In another life I had used this book to chronicle my adventure on the other world, and my theories developed after I returned. In this reality the very same book had "Dream Journal" scribbled hastily on the cover.
"Be sure to write anything you remember down Hitomi. I will call first thing in the morning to get an appointment with Dr. Shimura, so you can talk about anything that bothered you." She turned on a small reading lamp and handed me a pen, I must have looked confused since she added slowly. "Your physiatrist."
"Oh, okay mom." I looked from the book to her, waiting, she didn't budge. "I'm fine now. Go back to bed I'll be okay."
She hesitated before nodding. "Alright. Call if you need anything."
After mom left I felt ever stranger. She treated me like I was fragile and bound to break at any moment. The war was terrible, but I had learned a lot of things about myself that the 'Hitomi' who had never been swept away didn't know. First; I am so much stronger than people know and that it feels good to be able to help even in simple things, like teaching Van to douse. Secondly; that all actions have consequences. Third; that negative emotions affect not only you but the people around you. Finally and most importantly if you believe… anything can happen. Believing in someone else is the best form of support, while believing in yourself can be the difference between failure and success.
Letting darkness, loneliness, and doubt in had changed this 'Hitomi' into someone I didn't know and didn't think I wanted to know.
Feeling wide awake and with nothing else to do I opened the dream diary and began to read. There it was in my handwriting things I and everyone who would listen to me took as strange dreams or delusions. Gaia. The burning of Fanelia was recorded early in the pages, not as though I was there but as though I was watching everything from the outside looking in. The destruction is mentioned throughout the book, as is the strange prince that was captured that day.
It all clicked into place. Just because I did not meet Van doesn't mean our connection was completely severed. The terrible dreams that drove me towards suicide were actual events unfolding, but without me there trying to warn people of the visions of danger, the reality appeared to have become so much worse.
Zaibach had attacked regardless of me being there. It was always their plan, but I saved Van during the dragon slaying trial. If he never went on that hunt then he was just a prince without an energist, Van had no way to wake Escaflowne. I'm also the one that transported us to safety to the Asturian border. Without me Van couldn't escape, and he never met Allen, instead he was captured. For almost two years their time he had been prisoner on the floating fortress while Zaibach carved a path of destruction unhindered and unchallenged. Being stuck watching the disturbing soap opera unfold had nearly killed me.
The question that now haunted me was… could I ever go back and make things right? Who would save Van? If I didn't help stop Zaibach who would?
I fell asleep with the book on my face, hands on my flat stomach, and worry in my heart. A dreamless sleep took me that night but I wanted to... no I needed to see if Van was alright.
I woke the next morning feeling as though this was the dream, and when I woke up I'd see a worried Van leaning over me concern in his mahogany eyes, expressive eyebrows furrowed.
No this was real. I got exactly what I wished for, but why does this feel like a curse and not a gift?
The baby. I hadn't even gotten a chance to meet him, but the love I felt was so real his loss takes my breath away. I have to keep reminding myself that he never existed here and that was for the best. I wasn't ready to be a mother at sixteen… right?
I dress in my uniform and plaster a smile on my face before heading downstairs. Mamoru sees me first and the food he was chewing falls out of his gaping mouth.
"Gross, keep your breakfast to yourself slob." I quip plopping down in the empty chair next to him.
"Who are you and what did you do with my sister?" He narrows his eyes suspiciously.
"What makes you think I've changed?" I ask curios, Should I be trying to act like the Hitomi that had been here all along? I don't know if I can pretend like that.
"Hitomi doesn't wake up early." He states frowning. "She doesn't eat breakfast, and she hasn't smiled in… forever."
"Well then think of me as Hitomi 2.0. The better happier sister." I respond smoothly using the sibling banter we used to share.
"Mom!" He yells even though she is clearly on the phone. "Hitomi has been replaced by an alien!"
She waves him off covering her ear to better hear the phone conversation. Intrigued I try to listen in but can only catch part of it. "Acting strange… Calm… Disorientated… Relieved… Yes… a sign she has made a decision… Might try again…Hospital today… Okay… Thank you Doctor"
I had heard enough. Mom thought that since I was acting odd I might try to kill myself again, and this time she thought I might succeed where I failed last time.
"You remember right?" Mamoru asked studying my face, when I shook my head he continued. "She found you on the bathroom floor almost six months ago. You used a box cutter and if Mom hadn't come back for her grocery list she had forgotten then you'd be dead."
I had taken a sip of juice, but at those words it felt like it expanded in my throat making it hard to swallow. How was I supposed to respond to this? I'm not the same person that was so desperate to escape, but then again I have memories they don't. Memories I now fear will fade the longer I am here. If I chose this life will I lose all the good things in the last one?
The feel of wind on my face as Van and I fly through the sky on Escaflowne's dragon form. Millearna's good natured teasing and torn pink dress. Allen's smooth way of making even me feel pretty and special. The sour taste of piscus fruit when Van tried to cheer me up and failed. Sleeping under the stars. Talking to Folken that night by the fountain. Watching Van duel the four mercenaries and win without hurting a single one. Merle's bright inquisitive eyes and sharp tongue. Jumping from the Crusade to the fortress across that huge gap and still being in time to save Van. Van rescuing me from being kidnapped by wading Escaflowne into the canals. Van showing me his wings for the first time to save me after we exploded that energist mine. Running as hard as I could just to reach Van. To save Van in return. The feeling of my heart swelling when he came to get me the first time I returned, and the surprised look on his face when I hugged him.
Van. I still love Van.
Our problems were bound to happen. We were young and careless with our actions. Instead of working through the consequences together we blamed each other, forcing us even farther apart. Love isn't meant to be easy, you have to work at it and fight for it, but it makes everything worthwhile.
Pregnancy hormone mood swings are something I always assumed were a myth, but boy was I wrong. Adding that to the rollercoaster we were on only made the fact that neither of us were quite comfortable sharing our emotions, problems, and needs… it made everything so much harder. In the words my grandmother used to say to me as a child "Should've, could've, would've. Regrets are missed opportunity. If you don't learn from your mistakes then you are bound to repeat them."
"Are you sleeping with your eyes open?" Mamoru asked waving his hand in front of my face rudely. "If so, then you're going to be late for school." He pointed out with a grin.
Glancing at the time I realized he was right. Hopping up I grabbed my bag and dashed for the door. Mom called out "Wait Hitomi! You forgot to take your pills!" I pretended not to hear her. Just because her 'Hitomi' needed mood stabilizers doesn't mean I do, and though it might make her think something is really wrong with me I refuse to take medication I don't need.
I made good time getting to school, not exactly in the best shape but not carrying twenty plus extra pound on my front anymore. I constantly find my mind going back to the baby. It feels so strange not to have his strong sudden movements take me by surprise. If I pretend he was just a realistic dream will it eventually stop hurting?
In the other reality; though I was taken out of school before my uniform didn't fit anymore and yet somehow everyone had found out about my pregnancy pretty early on. It might have been from when I quit track team, or stopped drinking coffee and soda… but I always suspected that Yukari let it slip.
Being on this timeline doesn't make her a different person, but the choices made had some sort of negative effect on her. She is hanging out with the 'popular girls' when I arrive at school, the ones who wear too much makeup and talk bad about anyone who doesn't have the latest phone or accessories.
She sees me and her nose goes up in the air a second before she turns to her new friends. "Oh look it's the FREAK."
They laugh at my expense, but it doesn't bother me… much. I can see how the other 'Hitomi' would be crushed by this, and I am hurt but I won't let it get to me. Not reacting, has gotten their attention. I guess they expect me to cower and slink away. I won't rise to their bait… but I won't cower either.
"What's her problem?" The ring leader nudges Yukari. "I think your 'friend' has something to say."
"Oh, that loser isn't my friend. If she were I'd tell her to cut a little deeper next time." The cold edge to her voice hurts more than the mean spirited words. I walk away. Nothing I say now will help, only blow things out of proportion. I guess you never really know a person. Thinking back I can see Yukari had her petty streak, and she did like to gossip, but she was a good person and I looked past her faults as best friends do… it's not like I was perfect and could really judge.
I take my seat silently and start to arrange my books on my desk. I really hope the implanted memories help with school work because otherwise I'm at least three months behind the rest of the class. I can feel their eyes burning into my back and for some reason that makes the scars on my wrist itchy. Once class starts the feeling eases, and I don't have to worry about not being up to date with the lesson pace since the teacher won't call on me anyways. It's like I don't exist to her, I must make her nervous. The day passes like that. Alone, but surrounded.
During the last class of the day I get this wave of feelings I recognized as belonging to someone else, and the strength is enough to take my breath away. Confusion, fear, hate, regret, and loss. Van's feelings. If this happened to the other 'Hitomi' no wonder she thought she was going crazy, unlike her I know better… I've felt this before, during the war.
Does Van remember like I do? Is this my Van or a stranger I've never met? Regardless he is reaching out to me from across time and space, I must find a way to answer him.
I don't have to fake the tremor on my hand as I raise it to signal the teacher. She glances at me and then quickly away, and I know that my sleeve slipped down exposing the dirty truth. "What is it Miss Kanzaki?" The teacher asks without looking back at me, but at the notes on the board instead.
"I don't feel well Miss Yamagato. I'm dizzy all the sudden." I can feel the questions and assumptions of my class mates, but I do my best to ignore them.
"Go to the nurse's office to lay down until the bell." She states blandly as if it doesn't matter one way or another if I am there or not.
As I gather my things to leave I see one of Yukari's 'friends' elbow her and motion towards me. I pass her and know we are both going to regret the words she is being goaded into saying.
"Someone better warn the Nurse so she can hide anything sharp." Her words are terrible but there is something in her eyes… regret maybe.
Without thinking I respond. "Someone should do you the favor of hiding your make up. It's a privilege, not a right and you obviously don't know how to use it." The class takes a collective breath as Yukari and her friends reel from my insult. I don't stick around to see what happens, but I can hear the explosion of voices as soon as I shut the door behind me. Even if I get in trouble… it was totally worth it.
The entire way to the nurse's office I try to hold onto Van's feelings flowing into me still. If I break the connection I don't know if I will be able to get it back, or even strengthen the bond from this side. The nurse has her hands full with a kid dripping a bloody nose, so she waves me off to make use one of the beds kept just for this purpose. As soon as I lay down I feel a pulling sensation that surprises me with its strength, like it has been waiting impatiently for me.
My eyes open and I'm no longer at school, but almost hovering inside a dark windowless metal room. The door is surely locked for what little difference it makes to the chained prisoner. His arms are connected by thick heavy looking chains, the center link is threaded through a loop bolted solidly into the floor. Van looks horrible. Thinner then I've ever seen him, with clammy unnaturally pale skin and dark circles under his eyes. Oh god, the worst part is his back. Shirtless you can see every line, scar, and lash imposed on his once toned form. Some of the whip marks look years old while others still ooze dark blood.
I was so horrified by his state that I failed to notice that Folken was sitting calmly and silently out of reach.
"Why are you doing this Folken?!" Van demanded sounding not like the tortured man he appeared to be, but the King I knew so well. I would bet anything Van is the same as me. He remembers a different life, one where I've just made a horrible mistake.
"You know this Van. Why must I repeat myself?" The tall sorcerer asked, but shrugged his mechanical arm and continued anyways. "Your conditions would improve if you would be more understanding of your hosts."
His temper flared hotly. "Host? Don't make me laugh! Guests can leave. I am your prisoner and I demand to know why."
"Demand?" Folken questioned in return. "You have no right to demand anything. Van be reasonable just agree to work for us, and I can spare you anymore pointless pain."
"What do you need me for? Fanelia is long gone. It has no King to round up refugees or rebuild you've made sure of that." Van sneered, pressing for more information. Even though I could still feel his emotions, the reasons behind them and the new memories he may have are unknown to me.
Folken only answered with a shrug of his broad shoulders.
"Escaflowne?!" Van's eyes flashed with challenge. "What good am I to you after all this time? I can't wake it without an energist, and what would guarantee I wouldn't turn on you once I had it?"
This brought a small smile to Folken's lips, but the emotion didn't reach his eyes. There was something cold and detached in them. Something that told me he didn't like this anymore then the prisoner he faced. Folken taunted Van for his sake. If he could get through to Van with words then the others wouldn't have to try more brutal methods.
"We can get you an energist without issue, and the other question how can we 'trust' you is one simple word. Leverage." With that Folken knocked on the door twice in quick succession.
"What could you possibly have to sway me?" The raven haired teen challenged
Folken didn't need to say anything as the door opened and another prisoner was shoved roughly into the cell. The newcomer stared blankly at the floor. Large blue eyes vacant and unfocused, Merle too was thin, but unlike Van she bore no physical scars only emotional ones.
"Merle?!" Van went to run to the cat-girl, but the thick chains stopped him short with a rough jerk. The noise made her flinch away in response. Angry he turned to the traitor. "What have you done to her?!"
"Would telling you we found her like this make any difference?" Folken watched his little brother closely. "No. Then help our cause and young Merle will be free to go to safety, or welcomed to stay by your side, it's your choice Van."
Pink hair uncombed and tail hanging limply, Merle made no move that she understood if any of this affected her.
"Her spirit is broken." Van sagged against his chains.
"Then she needs you now more than ever." Folken knocked once more and the door opened, an armored guard began to lead her away. "Do we have a deal?"
"Merle?" Van called after her, and a faint perk to her drooping ears signaled she might just be in there somewhere. Defeated his shoulders fell, shadows and overgrown hair obscured his face. "Fine."
"What was that?" Folken signaled the guard to stop.
"I said fine, I will work… for you." The words choked him, painful as they were to say.
"Good." With another signal Merle was taken closer to Van who was then unchained. "A word of warning Van, don't try to escape again. Next time I won't be able to keep them from taking your wings permanently."
With that cryptic threat Folken was gone. The door was locked from the outside once more, but a few things had changed. First Van was no longer chained and the raw skin of his wrists were thankful for it. Next he was no longer alone. And finally he had no idea how to get out of this mess.
"You're okay now Merle. I promise you that I will always protect you." On reflex Van moved to pat the younger girl on the head in the familiar manner he normally did, but she flinched away as if expecting a beating instead. Not wanting to make any sudden movements around the scared feline he slowly moved to the wall sliding down to sit with his ruined back resting against the cold metal. After a minute Merle timidly followed siting down just out of reach.
Van let his head drop backwards looking up at the ceiling, not quite seeing me but close enough to take my breath away. "Oh Hitomi, I hope at least you are finally happy."
I woke up with tears soaking into the pillow, and a heavy weight on my heart. What have I done? It seems like such a small thing at the time, but the world has changed with the ripples of action and effect. Zaibach was left unchecked and now with their greatest obstacle happened to be working for them, who could possibly stop them?
Me? I am just what I always claimed to be a normal high school girl… my connection to Van and Gaia notwithstanding. From here what could I do? Who would believe me? How can I go back?
I realize now that I could never truly be happy in a life… a world without Van. Despite our issues we belong together, maybe even because of them, we need each other to grow it seems. The one good pure thing we ever created didn't exist in this world, and that would make it impossible for me to stay here. I want that life I so carelessly threw away. I want to argue with a high-strung Merle. Watch the sun rise every morning over the rebuild roof tops of Fanelia. Learn to be a queen and help people even if all I can do is listen to their problems. I want Van, all of him, both the good and the bad they make up him as a whole. Hard-headed, strong willed, impulsive, rough, awkward, dignified when required, loyal, tender, and most importantly compassionate.
I want to be the kind of person that is worthy of being by his side. Love is the most powerful force in the world, it makes the strong weak and the weak strong. Love doesn't make you a good person it makes you want to be a better one all the time. To love someone is to put their needs and wellbeing above your own regardless of situation.
I know now above all things I want our baby. How I could want to live in a world where he doesn't exist makes… it makes me feel sick. He is the best parts of Van and I. All this time and I just realized what a blessing getting pregnant truly was. To have that new life growing within me, but also to have a chance to be with Van without regrets or limitations. Just because I wasn't ready before doesn't mean I can't be ready now. I am not alone. I don't ever have to be alone if I stop pushing the people that love me away.
I will find a way to make this right… in this world if I must, but first I must set things right with Van. To do that I have to find a way to reach him. I grab my tarot cards stashed in the small pocket sewn into the inside of my school jacket. I shuffle them preparing not to try and force a future, but to let it tell me the best path to walk now. My eyes are closed trying to picture Van and he is meant to be. Tall and still on the lean side, wild raven hair, mahogany eyes that can be both harsh and caring, war tried and royalty trained.
The image of him is clear in my head. Suddenly something rough catches on my fingers, as I look down I find a tear in a very particular card. The Ace of Dragons. Torn as it was after Van tossed the deck out of the palace window. When I finally made it to the cemetery clearing I found his card ripped like this and caught on a low tree branch. This card followed me to this timeline. Still holding the damaged tarot I spread the rest of the deck out searching… it's not here. If I had to make an educated guess when Van and I were torn apart we didn't exactly go alone. The tower is gone. The card Van had been holding… maybe just maybe they can guide us back to each other. Make us whole once more.
I had to believe, because hope is a very powerful thing.
To Be Continued…
A/N
So did I do alright with Hitomi? I think it came out well and the darkness of this path is offset slightly by her being more herself. A fact that other people notice and can't figure out the cause. The next chapter is back on Van as the main and finishes up the story. It is mostly done, but still needs the finale completed. The epilogue is still not set in stone. I might end it after the next one, but I'm thinking a short tie-up of all the lose endings might be in order.
Read on if you are interested in my musings on all the Escaflowne stories I've written. (Again first story excluded).
Last Person on Earth is my only AU… it is about how Escaflowne would have worked out if it were here and the rules of reality governed that world. It is more 'fun' and though it has action it's the drama between the characters that moves things along so quickly.
Lost and Found (Still my current personal favorite)… is a standard continuation with a lot of action with drama mixed in a large cast to try and open up the world of Escaflowne without ever leaving Fanelia. To me it's about second chances.
Broken Chain my only One Shot… was actually based off my most popular FanArt of Van. It was meant to be quick paced and quickly resolved. I still love how it turned out. The original art is on my DeviantArt page and was shared on tumbler (with my permission) by the Doujin Artist Duna Longhorn.
Far From Home the first story I ever finished… was an idea I had in High School about if everything was real and stolen from Hitomi's Diary. It was rough but sweet, and kind of was a song fic at times.
Forgotten Words as you know since you are here… has much more drama then action. It was based off of a series of "What if" thoughts and I just kept digging deeper. The darker themes hedge more towards actions and consequences. Where things aren't always what you'd expect. Van and Hitomi are my all-time favorite couple, but I feel they had to mature so fast in such a short amount of time that it's easy to fall back on insecurities. I love them together and will always try to get them the happy ending they deserve, but I believe they would have to work on it… communication isn't their strong suit. Either of them. Something worth fighting for.
Please Review even if you don't have much to say. It means the world to me!
