Chapter 7
"It's all finally become clear…this is your bucket list," I said nervously as I looked over the cliff at the blackened ocean below. In the darkness it was hard to tell how far down it actually was, and had the moon not been glistening on the gentle breakers, I might have assumed Bella was actually the devil finally come to take me into the abyss of hell.
"What's a bucket list?" she asked with a laugh.
"A bucket list… You know, where you list all the things you want to do before you kick the bucket."
"Kick what bucket?"
"The bucket - How the hell do I know what this is and you don't?" I asked amused. When her confusion didn't waver, I decided to explain. "Sometimes, when someone knows they're going to die…like if they have a terminal disease, or something, they create a list of things they want to do before they pass. Usually its extraordinary things - like cliff diving - that they might not do if they had a full life ahead of them."
"Why would anyone want to wait until they're dying before they do extraordinary things?" she asked sincerely.
"Uh…I don't know. Maybe because it's dangerous; since they're dying anyway they may as well take the risk."
"Huh…I never heard of such a thing."
"Really?" I asked surprised. "So…you're not dying?"
"Well of course I am. We're all dying, Edward. Every day we get closer; that's what growing older is all about…But I'm not sick, if that's what you're asking me. Just because I don't plan for the future, doesn't mean I don't plan on having one. I think the future is going to be awesome, but I'm not going to miss out on the present while I wait for it."
I smiled somberly. "I wish everything was as simple as you make it out to be."
"Why can't it be?"
"Sometimes…sometimes things are just taken out of our hands."
"Then take them back," she said encouragingly.
"I don't know how," I whispered.
"Then I'll help you."
I laughed once silently through my nose. "Helping someone takes dedication, and if you don't like making commitments, then…"
"I don't make commitments unless it's something I truly want to do…and I want to help you."
I smiled again. "You don't even know what I need help with."
"Sure I do… You need help finding solace."
"Solace for what?"
"Whatever it is you need solace for," she said.
I nodded. "There is something that's been…weighing on me for quite a long time," I said slowly. "Something you might be able to help me with."
"What is it?"
I ran my hands through my hair anxiously as I tried to come up with an explanation she could possibly understand. I was drawing a blank. "The thing is…I can't really tell you," I said sheepishly.
"Why can't you tell me?"
"It's sort of a family secret….I know it sounds a little odd, but nobody besides the seven of us knows about this…and that's how it has to stay."
"Uh…Okay, how can I help then?"
"Well…this secret has to do with The Quileute…I need to…find someone specific, but I'm not sure who he is, so I was hoping maybe you could take me to the reservation and introduce me to everyone you know, that way I might be able to cross paths with him or figure out exactly what it is I need to know."
She narrowed her eyes at me - or at least I thought she did - I couldn't see her clearly in the darkness of night. "Does this have anything to do with avenging someone, or something illegal? I don't want to introduce you to people if you're plotting some big revenge scheme."
I laughed. "Nothing illegal, I promise, and the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt someone. Bella, it's nothing bad…not really anyway, and I'd tell you if I could, but…I can't. I realize we don't know each other very well, and you have no reason to trust me, but that's exactly what I'm asking. I need you to trust me...and I need you to help me. Can you do that?"
"I trust you," she said strongly, but there was something laced in her voice that conveyed apprehension. If I didn't need her help as much as I did, I probably would have asked her about it and try to reassure her, but I decided it was best not to push the subject; she agreed to help me get in with the Quileute, and that's what my family needed more than anything else in the universe, so I'd just leave it at that.
"We can go to La Push tomorrow," she continued, "on one condition."
I grimaced knowing what she was about to say. "There's no way I'm jumping off this cliff tonight."
"Fine, then I guess you can go to La Push alone tomorrow, but I have to warn you, most of them are pretty private people and don't take very well to outsiders."
"How'd you befriend them then?"
"My dad has been friends with one of the council guys for years…I'm not sure how they met."
"Okay, so…basically what you're saying is - if I don't jump, I'll never be able to really get in with the Quileute?"
"You can go talk to them; I mean, they're not mystical beings or anything, but they probably won't answer whatever questions you may have. Especially if the person you're looking for is an elder councilman."
"Good point… So, I guess we're jumping," I said reluctantly. "How do you know this is even safe? There could be jagged rocks below, or a whirl pool, or…"
"You worry far too much," she interrupted with a giggle.
"No, I just don't want to die," I said, and then I mentally noted how ironic that statement was.
"You're not going to die. I've made this jump dozens of times…just never at night."
I looked at her shocked. "Are you sure you don't have a death wish?"
"Adrenaline is better than any drug out there. Ready?" she asked as she kicked off her shoes.
I moaned. "No."
"Come on, take off your shoes. We'll hike back up here to get everything afterwards," she said while tossing her truck keys inside her shoes.
"So we're going to hike up a cliff, soaking wet, without any shoes? - That's considering we actually survive the fall."
"You're overthinking again," she pointed out.
"Fine…Let's just get this over with," I grumbled.
"Do you want to hold my hand?" she offered.
I smiled and took it without hesitation.
"One," she started
"Two," I whined.
"Three," we said together, and then we were flying through the air.
It wasn't my first cliff, but it was definitely the first time I had chosen to do something so reckless without the hope of death. It was surprisingly exhilarating, and as my body hit the icy water, all I could think about was how alive I felt. It was like an electric shock to my system, and her hand still firmly in mine made me realize that it had nothing to do with the fall. Bella was my own personal shot of adrenaline, and I couldn't help but want to hold onto that high for as long as possible.
"Woo!" Bella shouted excitedly after we surfaced and caught our breath. "You still with me?"
"I'm still with you," I murmured.
"Good…Now let's get out. I'm freezing."
I chuckled. "Okay, let's go."
She let go of my hand so we could swim to shore, and strangely enough, I almost felt lonely without her touch. Her hand in mine had felt so foreign just a few hours before, and now I was left wondering how I ever lived without it.
Once on dry land we began our trek up the trail leading back to the top of the cliff, and I immediately moaned from the discomfort of hiking wet and barefoot, however somehow Bella knew exactly how to shut me up; she took my hand once again, and shot me a breathtaking smile making everything else fade away.
"So…do you want me to drive you home now?" she asked when we finally made it back to the truck.
"Are you tired?" I asked, turning the question back around on her.
She shrugged. "To be honest, I'm kind of an insomniac. If you want to go home, I'll probably just head back to my house and read for a few hours."
I actually was tired, I was always tired, but I'd rather stay with her and fight sleep than leave her and go home. "Well, it's probably almost morning. We can go drive somewhere and watch the sun rise."
"I know the perfect place," she said excitedly. We got into her truck, and she cranked up the heater before driving us on a narrow dirt road to the top of a mountain peak, where she parked with the ocean behind us and the wide eastern sky in front.
"Wow, I can't believe I've never been here before," I said in awe as we looked down at the twinkling lights of civilization below.
"Not a lot of people know about this spot. The road to get here was just an old access road for loggers and the forestry fire department. My dad told me about it a few months ago, and I've been coming ever since."
"That's cool. Have you brought Alice here before? I'm surprised she never said anything."
"No…I haven't brought anyone here," she replied, suddenly becoming almost shy in a way I wasn't expecting. "Sometimes I get a little…zany, and I need a way to calm down a bit, so I drive up here and spend a few hours alone just…unwinding. If I brought other people here then it would take away from the peaceful refuge I get from this place."
"Why'd you bring me then?" I asked softly.
She raised her shoulders. "Felt right… I'm actually really glad you're here with me…It's nice."
"I'm glad too," I said sincerely.
I didn't remember either of us moving, but somehow our faces were within inches of each other. I could feel her heat, and taste her breath as it washed over my face in delicious waves of temptation. What would she do if I just leaned in and pressed my mouth to hers? What would I do? What would it even feel like? There was a phantom tingling on my lips as if I could almost sense what it was like to kiss someone -to kiss her; it was like a déjà vu, or an echo of a forgotten dream.
Deep down I doubted the Quileute could really break the curse and relieve my incessant suffering, therefore growing attached to Bella would only end in more misery, but at that moment I just didn't care. She didn't believe in commitments, and I could never promise her a future, so in a way we were a perfect match - a perfect match for the present, with no need to worry about the future. Was that something I could really do?
Unfortunately for me, the intense moment we were sharing broke when a sliver of orange peeked above the horizon. She turned her face to watch it, and then surprised me yet again by clinging onto my arm and resting her head on my shoulder. "Beautiful, isn't it?"
"Absolutely," I murmured while staring at the way her face looked, perfectly at peace against me.
Her hand found its way back to mine, and we just sat there silently while gently caressing each other's fingers until the sun was high in the sky, and then she sighed and pulled away. "I guess we should head home and shower before going to La Push."
I wanted to tell her to just forget the whole thing since it was probably hopeless, but I decided it was worth one last try; at least we'd have an excuse to spend more time together. "That's a good idea."
When she pulled up to my house, she turned to me and smiled. "I can be back in an hour to pick you up. Will that be enough time for you?"
"I think that will be perfect. Thanks." I shut the truck door then stood there like an idiot as I watched her drive out of sight.
Suddenly the house door squeaked open behind me. "Oh, Edward!" Esme cried before wrapping her arms around me from behind. "Two attempts in less than a month? That's bad, even for you?"
I turned around to look at her. "Two attempts for what?"
"Carlisle told me about how you drove your car off a cliff, and last night you didn't come home and Alice dreamed that you jumped off another cliff," she said full of concern as she looked at the salt-stiffened mess that my clothes and hair were in. "Tell us what's wrong dear, and we'll find a way to fix it together."
I laughed. "I thought Carlisle had an obligation to keep confessions private?"
"Well I pretty much guessed it when I saw that your car was missing."
"Esme, you don't have to worry…"
"I don't have to worry? You tried killing yourself…Twice!"
"I'm immortal," I reminded her.
"But there is only so much your emotions can bear," she argued. "We can't help you if you don't let us in."
"When have I ever let anyone in?"
"Maybe it's time."
I nodded. "Maybe you're right." I leaned in and kissed her cheek, before impatiently running past her into the house to take my shower.
