BLOG FAIRY
Doing it all wrong
Okay, so you're all, 'So you got Lovino back, what else?' 'I thought you were going to go insane, you're over exaggerating.' And…well, you have a point but that's not the point. Actually, my brain parts are all jumbled so I can't necessary explain all of that of that but I promise, pieces will work themselves together…somehow. Hopefully, if I just get started, I won't seem so messed up.
38. On the bright side, the good times are really good.
"Lovino…I want to show you this." I announced aloud, studying the glass orb in my hands. There was no answer which forced me to pull my hypnotized stare from the ball to the space behind me that the boy had once occupied. Empty. I stood up straight and checked around again. He had run off…of course. Please, Lovino, couldn't you make my life a little easier?
"Lovi?" I called, still cupping the orb protectively. Surprisingly, there weren't many patrons in the small NYC shop so my voice carried far enough. I called again once I didn't get a response the next second. Sure enough a little face peeked through the thickly packed clothes on one of those circular display racks. Only, this display was in the front window…were all of the lovely people could see Lovino acting as his usual weird self. I just about dropped the ball.
"Lovino! You're not supposed to me in there!" I stomped up to him, giving him a 'why did this idea even cross your mind' face.
"These people…they are blank." He told me as he shifted his eyes around. What, were we in danger of being abruptly assassinated by a sniper!?
"Get out of there." I commanded in a hush tone. Even if the staff hadn't noticed, I wasn't pushing for their attention. The boy scowled at me.
"Antonio, I am studying them." He sneered in a corrective tone. "This species of humans…I do not know of them…" I gave him a dumbfounded look for a few minutes, trying to figure out what on Earth he could possibly be talking about.
"The mannequin?" I finally asked. To be truthful, I was getting a kick out of watching him…I had since I first met him. "The white ones…who don't move?"
"Where do they come from?" He was enthralled.
"Manufacturers." I answered swiftly and relaxed. I turned my attention to the scarf beside me and rubbed it between my fingers. Lovino was just weird, I had learned to get over my shock and awe quite quickly.
"Is this a race like your own? The kin of man?" I stepped up onto the raised window platform and walked over to a sassy-posed female figure.
39. You probably didn't realize how weird mannequins are until it's in question.
"She's not alive. She's just a… a figure I guess." I explained. This earned me a vivid expression of confusion. I smiled and pointed back to her. She was so…audacious. One hand held her hip that was strategically popped to the side in a way that wasn't too obvious but more of a simple curve… one that lured people towards her in wonder of what had made her this way. When I turned my attention back to Lovino, the first place eye eyes traveled were to his nicely shaped sides that were now revealed as he stepped out of the rack.
If you want to know the full of it, yeah, I was hypnotized again. I wish I could have denied it but maybe just for one spit second I could admit to myself that I was attracted before I slapped myself across the head. No… in no way is it okay for me to feel like this. Nope. Not ever. Shut out that thought Toni, you're not like that.
"What is the purpose!?" He cried, tromping over to the pale lady and sufficiently earning the attention I was so desperately trying to avoid. I hushed his quickly.
"We should go, I'll explain later." I may have not been a child but I sure as hell acted like one when it came to getting in trouble. "Common Lovi." I urged again and dragged him to the counter. Usually, if you buy something they'll pardon you from any banishment or scolding. I handed the lady the glass globe and she, in return, handed me a suspicious look before ringing it up. I paid with cash. I always do, my mom had taught me about handing money just about everyday of my life. If you can't afford in on the spot, with the exception of houses and cars, then you don't buy it. Pay in cash and watch your use but today that didn't really matter. I wasn't worried about throwing out a bit more than usual.
I denied her offer of a bag and instead just handed it to the little red-headed one beside me. He took it but not without confusion.
"It's called a snow globe. Shake it." I explained. Lovino began to violently bob it around until I stopped him and instead took it into my own hands again.
"It's glass so you have to be careful." I gently shook and watched as white flakes drifted down over the molded out New York skyline. I had seen hundreds of these in my life, paraded by just about every single street crook and gift shop that had ever been.
"That…that's amazing…" Lovino held his hands out again but this time treated it as if it were a precious miracle. When I gave him the orb, he studied it till the flakes had settled then followed by running his tongue up the side. What was this kid's problem!?
"Alright, enough of that, let's go." I quickly ushered him out of the store and popped open my umbrella. I took the snow globe back and tucked it into my messenger bag as I began to walk, Lovino loyally toting along. We were in Soho, just a block from Arthur's flat. Just as we had left, Lovino wanted to stop again. I figured instead of arguing about the cost of calling the cab and not using it, we could just stop and walk a bit. The caddy was pretty upset with me for wasting his time but I gave him a good tip. "Which way?" I asked. He pointed to the left, down to the boutiques and glistening wet roads. We began to walk.
"So…how have you been?" I asked, hoping to set up a conversation rather than letting the silence cloak any causality there was between us.
"I hate Arthur." He answered. Plain and simple.
"He doesn't seem too bad just… not very understanding." I secretly knew that was a lie. There was no way I could spend a waking hour with that guy, he just turned me off.
"He can't cook, he yells all the time and he kept me up crying over soap operas every night."
"Well, I heard you weren't a saint either. You speak Norwegian?"
"Enough to curse that bastard into an eternal damnation."
"Who got your tampon in a twist?"
"My what?"
"Why are you so angry all of the sudden?"
"It's not all of the sudden. I've always been angry."
"You're like The Hulk!" I exclaimed with a smile and made myself burly-looking as I stomped around on my toes.
"What on Earth are you doing!? You're an idiot!" He began to shuffle farther from my side, not wanting passersby to associate him with me. He was real funny in that way. I got off my toes and strode up to him.
"There's lots of good movies I've got to show you. Common, in here." I called and pulled him in a little shop called Harney and Sons, my favorite tea shop. It was a nice, quaint-looking sort of place that smelled like herbs and old leather. It's wasn't exactly cheap stuff but it was real good. The shelves covered every inch of the wall, little tins stacked up to the ceiling. I sat Lovino down at the sampling bar.
"Try something~" I urged and took the seat beside him.
"I don't like tea." He growled.
"That's only because you've been drinking that brit's murky leaf water. I know, I had some too but this is the good stuff! It comes in lots of flavors, just pick one."
Lovino sighed and boredly glanced at the wall. "Fine, what should I try?" He asked, a bit pissy.
"Anything~ What's a flavor you like? What kind of things do you like to eat?" I studied the wall as well, a bit more enthusiastic.
"SpagettiO's." He answered flatly.
"Well, they don't have any SpagettiO flavored tea but I but that would be a huge seller." I couldn't force the big smile off my face. He was so cute! It was getting harder and harder to repress those feelings.
"Oh, Hello~" A little, female voice cooed, shifting my attention once again. A little girl, probably seventeen or eighteen, had perched herself on the stool beside Lovino and was currently giving him a sincere little smile. She was wearing a trendy dress with lovely blue bird prints that just highlighted how attractive she was. For some reason, I didn't like her. I was trying to reason that her lips were too plump or her eyelashes too thick but I was lying. The real reason I didn't like her was because she was close to Lovino. That was it. She was close to Lovino and I hated it. I hated that she could tempt him with her womanly charm that had caused the downfall of so many men.
"Erm, Hello." He answered. He wasn't snarling or sarcastic… he was interested! Interested! NO… this shouldn't be getting to me. I had to tell myself that I was fine, that I didn't even care just so I could cling onto the bit of sanity I was trying to convince myself that I still had. I shouldn't care. All they've done is say hello and what if he DOES like her!? That's no concern of mine! Despite all of this eating at my brain, I just smiled politely at the two.
"You're going to have some tea?" She looked from Lovino to the empty tray in front of him.
"Yes, yes I am." He seemed…flustered. Oh god did it hurt to watch.
The girl giggled. "Really? What are you going to try then?"
"What are you going to try?" He quickly responded.
"I was thinking the Mutan white tea." She studied the shelves, squinting to read the little, colorful labels. Lovino instantly found the opportunity to speak.
"Me too!" Then… he smiled. His little peachy lips curled up into a sweet crescent shape. He smiled for her. No…
There was a beast inside me. I don't know how it got there, I certainly didn't invite it but it was festering and it was strong. It had captivated my whole body…It wanted Lovino and it hated the girl he was flirting with. Why? No idea. None at all. I was a good man who was never evil with envy or blind with lust. I was a good man! I was a good, good man from a small Spanish town who loved his mama and worked real hard to get his dreams! Why was this little one boy special!? How had he corrupted me so!? It was eating me…
"Tonio…" A little voice whimpered. I open my eyes. I had my head in my hands and I was doubled over in my seat. "Tonio! You're being weird again!" I looked up to the fearful voice. Lovino. My dear sweet Lovino was looking down with worry at me and resting his hand on my shoulder. I sat back up, stunned by my own actions.
"I'm fine." I quickly answered and took a deep calming breath.
"Are you not feeling well? Should I call you a cab?" The girl interjected, standing up and walking over to us.
"No, I'm fine." I excused again, reminding myself to be nice to the girl. Lovino got off his stool and tried helping me up. I stood.
"Let me call him a cab." He offered again, this time to Lovino who considered it pretty hard before shaking his head.
"No, I've got to take him home. Goodbye, it was nice to meet you." He turned and gave ME his attention. It was beautiful. Not in the way it should be but damn was it beautiful. He upright ignored her in favor of helping me because he was worried. I shouldn't have been so happy about it. I should have denied his offer and let him stay with her but the beast had won. There was no fighting that beast when it was set on getting what it wanted and it wanted Lovino.
"Oh, well, alright. It was nice meeting you." She said and held the door as we left. She was a nice girl, Lovino deserved her.
We left, Lovino called as a cab as I had shown him how and we started heading towards my building. "Lovino, I'm fine."
"You're not. We're going to your house and you're going to tell me what's wrong because I'm sick of this. You randomly just bend over and act… it freaks me out." He crossed his arms and glared out the window. It was so beautiful outside. The entire world was glistening.
"Let's go out somewhere. I'm not ready to go home. Let's go to Bergdorf Goodman, they've got the coolest window displays." I smiled at him and jabbed a finger into his thigh.
"You're sick and we need to go home. Stop poking me." He hissed and snapped at my hand.
"I feel fine." I lifted my head up, looking at the cabby through the rearview mirror. "I'm the adult here. Take us to 58th." I ordered and received a little nod from the man. Lovino scowled at me. "Hey, I know you're angry. Just relax."
"I don't understand you. You act like you're dying then you want to skip around town all night. Just explain yourself to me, that's all I want." He finally looked back at me.
"I'm… I'm Antonio." I finally decided. There weren't really other reasonable answers. Should I say, 'I'm a young adult who hasn't the slightest idea what I'm doing other than killing myself over my Mr. Hyde-jealous-side that holds a strange fascination for you'? I don't think so.
"That you are…but I still can't figure out 'Antonio'. The simple answer would be that you're a smiling, happy-go-luck, overly affectionate man child but that's not it. You trust easily… but only sometimes. You're… you're something else. There's another part of you, Antonio."
"That's bad?"
"That's good. Boring people are… boring." He explained. That made me happy. I looked out the window, trying to see the top of the building but that was impossible. I knew that… but it was fun trying.
"You're strange too, y'know." I told him. A weight was pressed to my back. Lovino was leaning against me, his eyes closed with relaxation.
"I think all humans are weird. Maybe that's why I fit in here so much more than I did at home." I readjusted so I could gently pet his head as I held him in my lap.
"You tired?" I whispered, as to not disturb the soft mood.
"A little bit. What time is it?" I clicked my phone back to life just long enough for me to read the tiny white numbers.
"Eight forty-four. Don't worry about that. This city doesn't sleep. Wait till I show you time square, day light every minute of every day." I told him. Lovino grumbled and squirmed till he was a bit more comfortable.
"Let's go back home." He whined. I was so glad he didn't say 'your place'. I checked out the window to see where we were.
"Sir! Stop here!" I called to the cabby. In seconds, we were at a complete stop and Lovino was looking around with confusion.
"Where are we?" he asked. He was understandably upset with me.
"We're at Coney Island." I chuckled and helped him out of the car only to be greeted by a cold breeze.
"No we're not. I know this place… this is…the train?" He studied the huge building in front of us as I handed some cash to our driver.
"Very good! It's Grand Central Terminal." The cab drove off.
"Where are we going?" He looked at me, worried. I smiled and stroked his back.
"We're not going anywhere. We'll just grab some churros and walk around. Okay?" The little one didn't answer, just looked up at the little falling droplets. "Let's go inside, we're getting wet." I urged.
"I haven't heard any thunder since I became human." He noted and closed his eyes just as a droplet hit his cheek and slid off his cheek.
"This city is too loud. It is there but it's overridden by the cars and people."
"I miss it… it reminded me that there's a whole world in the sky." I stopped tugged his sleeve and just watched him. He was beautiful… he was beautiful. "My brother had lots and lots of stories. I told you he studied the stars, right? Well, he would see pictures in the sky and make up stories." He looked at me. He wasn't sad or happy or really anything. He just looked at me. "He told me that there that the thunder was a call from one lover to another who were separated by universes." A new wetness began rolling down his cheeks and that's when I decided to pick him up and carry him in. I didn't much care that people would see. What I cared about was not letting Lovino cry alone in the rain. I set him down on the closest bench.
"Shh, don't cry, don't cry." I whispered as he wiped the tears. The change in attitude had been so sudden, it startled me a bit. One second, he had been cuddling with me in the taxi and the next we was crying his little eyes out. It wasn't fair to him, something was wrong. "What's wrong, Niño?"
"Nothing's wrong."
"Something's wrong. Wait here." I ran off to a little churro stand only a few feet away. I didn't actually expect a churro to fix everything but sure makes the heart grow softer, right? And there sure was a lot of sugar on churros. I brought it back to him, wrapped in a little slip of parchment paper. All around us, there was the echo of feet on tile and voices but I ignored them all. Right then, all I wanted was to make the boy smile again.
"Take this." I commanded in a hush tone and held it out but he wouldn't take it. "Lovi~" I cooed again. He didn't respond. It was like he was a child again. So confused, so lonely, so afraid. Just a little boy tossed out into a world he doesn't know. He was lonely…I wouldn't let him be lonely. In all my craziness, the one thing I knew was that I loved Lovino.
"Hush, mi bambino." I whispered and sat beside him, taking his hand firmly in mine. People stared. They gossiped and slowed their pace in front of us but I didn't mind them. Someday, there would be a statue of us and those people would be awe-struck in our presence.
The tears stopped. I looked to him and offered a smile but he wouldn't accept it. He looked away, as I were a stranger. He turned cold to me, tugging his hand out of mine.
"Lovino… what's wrong?" I asked. I thought I had done everything right. If there were a manual, I'd have followed every step. How could he still be so wild? Was there no taming him?
"I do not… understand." The words came like dust in the wind. So slight, so delicate and almost impossible to detect.
"What don't you understand?" I refrained from leaning much closer to him in fear of upsetting his uncertain state.
"I do not understand anything… Do I not speak English? If so, how come every word means so much more than its meaning or not enough? I cannot speak for I am afraid that what I say is wrong and I cannot listen for I cannot decipher!" he still refused to look at me.
"Look, I can help you with English if you want. That's no reason-"
"That is not the point, Antonio. I- I am broken. The feelings I feel do not make sense, the words I speak do not make sense. My desires, my hesitations, my pains! They do not make sense!" His voice had risen to a level of desperation. His head lifted, honey eyes met mine. "I thought I could stay with you again but I was so wrong. I cannot be near you. You… you corrupt me. You taint me with whatever it is about you that…it…it" Tears broke again. I was so lost. I had no idea what to say or do. I wasn't even sure I knew what he was talking about. I reached out a hand to dry his eyes and was instantly swatted at. "I don't want you to touch me." He growled.
"Lovino! What's wrong!? Just tell me." I pleaded again.
"Humans are what's wrong. I'm what's wrong. I thought I belonged in this world but I don't. At least, not with you."
"What do you mean? I thought you liked me."
"I do… sometimes. And sometimes I hate you. You make me want to laugh then cry then I don't know how I feel. I hate it!...and I love it… I want it then I don't… I just…I don't-"
I didn't let him finish. I did something really, really, really stupid. I did something worthy of all punishment. I grabbed his head and pressed my lips to his.
40. One thing. Just one thing can blow it all… you're such an idiot.
Why? Why did I have to let myself lose control like that? I didn't think, I just felt and let my body do the rest. Why? God…
It was all over. I lost it all. Easy as that. He was quiet for a second or two then he just stood and ran. I didn't even stand up. I just remained in the same leaned over position and didn't even open my eyes. That was it. That was what had become of me.
I worked so hard. I worked my way to America, I worked three jobs at a time. I worked so hard for this little boy I didn't know. I worked so hard to deny my feelings for him just for it all to crumble down before my eyes…and I was the one buried beneath the rubble.
41. Step one to recovery: have yourself a fuck'n fabulous revelation.
I was the looser. That's all there was to the story. I was destined to be the loser from the beginner. No matter how hard I work, how much good I do, I'll always be the one who didn't make the cut or didn't get the girl.
Well, fine. Why the hell should I bother fighting it then? I lost Lovino… I wouldn't bother trying again if it was just going to hurt this bad in the end. If this was my fate, I might as well suck it up and be the suckiest looser of them all. Solution? Hit the town, drink my weight in alcohol, take some unlabeled pills, sleep around and remember nothing when I wake up. Why not? What was to keep me from it? Sounded nice.
I slung the bag over my shoulder and left the bench. I would have left the damn bag if it weren't just a force of habit. I didn't give a crap about it or the discarded treat. I had no one to give it to and I certainly didn't dare put anything sweet near my lips. It would have made me sick. When I left, I stumbled around, looking for anywhere with a strong enough alcohol to numb my tired brain. I ended up a few blocks away in a pub with gaudy neon lights practically incasing it. Perfect.
I dumped myself onto a little stool. The fake leather created an awful squeal under my weight. No one seemed to mind. I was invisible to them. They were party people, all too interested in their own excitement to notice a newcomer, especially one who wasn't thickly coated in plastic beads or neon snap-n-glow bracelets.
I ordered a glass of whatever the waiter recommended, which ended up being a bitter, golden slush. I downed it rather quickly. It wasn't hard to ignore the stinging sensation in your throat when it was pouring toxins into your skull. Pretty soon, I was dazed. Colors would streak when I turned my head, words would smudge together into nonsense. The part I was thankful for, it was getting harder and harder to think about the autumn-haired fairy boy that had fallen into my world and hypnotized me. No, right now I was thinking about the fake blonde tramp who was eyeing me from a table away.
She wasn't the kind I'd usually hit on. I usually went for the natural-looking girls. They were harder to get but with my looks, I often got what I wanted. This girl was the kind of girl I wouldn't give a second glace to. Her face was unrecognizably coated in makeup. Her hair was so badly abused with chemicals that you could see it fraying but she had straightened the hell out of it and probably thought she was very clever for doing so. A tacky, plastic, princess crown was laying atop her head. I had no idea why girls did that. It was ridiculous. Maybe it was because they wanted to look ridiculous. Like, they were so wild, they couldn't be contained by the social norms. It was idiotic if you ask me.
Anyways, she walked right up to me and plopped her over-exposed ass down on the seat beside me. (One thing you should know about me: I can be very mean. I may seem all smiles but inside, I can point out the fakers just as well as anyone else and they repulsed me.) She sat in a way that pushed her breasts out of her low cut top. They weren't nice breasts in anyone's book. They were the kind that girls got if they put on a lot of weight and never wore a bra. I may not know a lot about the female body but I knew enough to point that out.
"Hey sweety~" She flirted. I hated that. Sweety this and sweety that, it must make girls feel motherly or all knowing. I smiled back.
"Hey." I greeted. Despite all the awful things about her, I was gunning to spend the night with her… or just anybody. I didn't like spending the night alone when I was already feeling so crumby.
"You from around here?" Her lips were unnaturally puffy and I almost lost my stomach thinking about them against mine but when I was reminded of the perfectly peach ones I had stolen just minutes ago, I decided that anything was better than that memory. Here comes the charm.
"No, Señorita. I was born and raised in beautiful Spain." I knew exactly how to play her. I really owed all my thanks to popular culture. It's made so many of them so identical. They were predictable. They fell into large cults and I knew this one like the back of my hand. Naturally, she giggled and fluttered her fake eyelashes. Everything on that girl was fake. Her face, her hair, her nails. It was all replicable, all fake.
"Oh, wow. Me llamo Star." She responded. Who wants to bet she took Spanish as her required foreign language in high school? Alright, time to up the accent. (even her name was fake. It was probably Cheyenne or Mackenzie.)
"What a smart girl! Spanish is such a beautiful language and on you… it's marvelous~" My smile twisted up into a seductive smirk. With that, she was mine. I had her in my palm.
"Are you here with anyone…" She left a purposeful blank there, wordlessly asking for my name.
"Antonio. And no, it's just me." He eyes dashed to my ring finger, just a last second check before she adjusted herself closer to me.
"Aw, too bad. Me too. I'm here with some of my girlfriends." I was quite certain she didn't actually feel bad for me. God, she was such a faker. Lovino wasn't a faker. He never needed you to expect that he was more than he was. He never said things just so you would feel complimented. No, he was real. I loved him for that. I loved him-
No. No more of that. He's gone, you lost him. You screwed up, you don't deserve him. I quickly gave 'Star' my attention again. "Being lonely is horrible, no? Maybe we could keep in each other's company?" Her lipstick drenched lips opened up into a smile.
"Yeah, okay. Thanks." We started to talk about pretty much nothing at all. I listened to her talk about her work but I wasn't really paying any attention. If someone asked me where she worked, I probably would have answered the Crusty Crab. What I was worrying about was weather she was going to give me aids or not.
I know what you're thinking. No, I'm not a guiltless heartbreaker. She knew perfectly well what we were doing. Nobody is that dumb, especially not these kinds of girls. They know the signs, they know what we want and they want it too. All we were making was a well-disguised, verbal agreement to sleep together that night then think nothing of it the next morning.
After a few heavy shots and conversations where I pretended she was saying funny things and laughed, we decided to go somewhere else. We left and walked dizzily through the streets. Star was a real sport. She really was. She would laugh when I told jokes and stay silent long enough for me to say a whole sentence. She wasn't too bad. In fact, she probably reads novels. I ended up not hating her.
When we got to the intersection right before the street my building was on. Star stopped to look at the stainless-steel bracelets in the shop window, unbeknownst to me. I must have been too drunk to miss her in my peripherals so I just continued across the street.
There's not really much of a story after that because I either forgot the rest or was too drunk hazy to take in the details. There was an ear-piercing screech that I recognized as tires, bright light and that was it. You don't think it would be as fast as is in real life. Barely a second before thump and darkness.
(Hello, author here. I'm sorry for the slow update. I'm real sick so I'm not sure what's a lucid dream and what's reality. This chapter might not make a whole lot of sense. Sorry about that. Thanks for reading.)
