Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait! Feel free to assassinate me. I was on vacation for a while and didn't get any writing done at all. But today is my sister's birthday, and she's the one who gets me through writer's block (this time it was with a challenge that the chapter would include: explosions, dragons, and the Spanish Inquisition.) Thanks goes to hahasxybitch, Kiariad, and Sandwich Theorem for reviews. Not much Sirius/Alex in this chapter, Kia, but I PROMISE next chapter you will get your fill.


FOURTH YEAR

"Do we know what the Marauders are doing this year?" asked Paul, peering around the Gryff common room for signs of suspicious activity. Halloween was tomorrow.

"Don't know, don't care," Alex replied, pulling the hood down on her school robes so she could nap in her chair without the bright flickering light of the fire.

Amanda paused, lifting her quill from the essay she was writing. "Did I just hear you correctly? You 'don't care' about the prank, which the Marauders have been bragging for weeks is the best Hogwarts has ever seen? The prank, they say, to end all pranks?"

"I doubt it'll be phenomenal," Alex said from under the hood, a bit muffled. "They said the same last year, and what was it? Oh yeah, they wrapped all the Gryff guys head to toe in toilet paper while they slept. With an imagination as bad as that, the only way those boys could come up with 'the prank to end all pranks' is if they somehow got their hands on the dragon."

Paul and Amanda stared at each other, horrified by the thought of the four adolescent boys gaining access to the dragon that was currently visiting Hogwarts for the N.E.W.T. Care of Magical Creatures class's behavioral research.

Alex threw her hood off and jumped up. "Oh my god," she said. "We have to stop them."


SIXTH YEAR

Lucius turned at the noise, glanced at me, and went back to studying the poster.

…Interesting.

I crossed the room to stand next to him. He didn't move.

Shifting my weight and crossing my arms, I silently considered the poster, waiting for a reaction. We stood side by side for a few moments.

"A good likeness," he said causally. "Flattering."

"Believe me, I'm more than flattered. I'm so flattered I feel a rush of modesty coming on and I simply must do something to turn away this undeserved attention," I said, pulling out my wand and giving the poster the same makeover as the others.

"Lovely trick," he commented.

"Why, thank you. I've been getting a lot of practice lately."

A noise sounded from the girls dormitory.

"Ah, that would be our cue." Lucius slid an arm through mine, leading me back towards the door. If I were anyone else, I could say it made me feel a little giddy, being on the arm of Lucius Malfoy, gentleman and heir to an ancient family fortune. (The only male of our generation who could be described as 'princely.') But I'm Alex Moore, alias Q, and things like this are practically normal. Not everyone is as used to having polite and beautiful arm candy with perfect blond hair as I am. Before you burst out laughing, let me say I am laughing along with you.

"But I didn't get to say goodbye," I mourned, casting my free hand back towards the poster. "Goodbye, my lovely!"

"Come, now. You don't want to get caught," Lucius said as the door opened and we exited onto the stairs.

"And you don't want to, either," I observed. "What were you doing in there, anyway?"

We'd reached the bottom of the staircase. Lucius bowed over my hand and backed away, his manners (as gallant as ever) compromised somewhat by a sly little smile.

"Ah," I said, understanding. Ookay, embarrassing. But, considering that the encounter – which could have been a total disaster – had gone neatly and without fuss, I could forgive myself. And promptly did.

It was a couple hours before my friends woke up and joined me in the Lair. I figured I should probably lay low for a bit, considering recent events. My face had been recognized too much lately for my taste, and, especially now with the wanted posters, trouble could ensue if I didn't keep myself out of public view for a while.

This was what I told Paul and Amanda, once they appeared, and urged them to go out and enjoy what was left of their weekend. They did so without reluctance. And they call themselves my friends! Humph.

I continued to lay low for the next few weeks, staying occupied with making sure my schoolwork remained at levels undeniably average (too easy), keeping an eye out for Dumbledore to return (he didn't), and doubling the efforts of Q (fun fun). If Hogwarts noticed that Q's attacks had increased in intensity, it wasn't made apparent. Between the three activities I managed to keep myself busy and out of sight.

The Marauders definitely didn't make it any easier. They never discovered that the posters had been sabotaged, probably because they still looked the same from a distance and they quickly got covered up with other notices since space on the bulletin boards was coveted. They did notice, however, my red herring of the missing Slytherin poster, and wasted a week on that false trail by investigating every single Sly girl. But once they'd given up on that route, their inquiries had been going around the school long enough for everyone to know that Sirius Black and Co. was looking for someone.

They didn't keep the advantage for long. I sent Paul and Amanda out to spread rumors that Sirius was indeed looking for a new girl – and anyone might apply for the position. A sort of list went around the school of what king of girl Sirius wanted: particularly, a forward, outgoing, brunette. Within a week, half of Hogwarts' population of girls had charmed their hair brown and Sirius was accosted in the corridors at all hours by girls who thought that previous rejections were because they hadn't been aggressive enough.

A thoroughly bombarded and over-kissed Sirius admitted defeat sometime mid-October, finally asking someone to the first Hogsmeade (and making a big public show of it) in order to stop the 24/7 battery of female flesh.

At our secret celebration feast, Paul pointed out how unbelievably long Sirius had lasted.

"True," said Amanda thoughtfully. "The old Sirius would have soaked up the attention like the playboy he is. But the post-Alex Sirius… let's just say how enjoyable it was to watch him drop everything and run." Indeed, Sirius' mad dashes had become semi-famous.

"A toast," I offered. "To Sirius Black, for finally giving up the search. You were a formidable opponent."

"A formidable opponent!" cheered Paul and Amanda as we clinked glasses of butterbeer.

Now that the Sirius threat was over, we had new, pressing matters to occupy our minds. Such as Halloween and the first trip to Hogsmeade. Halloween was the only day Q was famous for letting things slide. Anything that went down on Halloween traditionally was forgiven by Q. It was an immunity some at Hogwarts counted on – like the Marauders, who also traditionally planned a big prank every year. The spooking, egging, and practical jokes that went on during Halloween were always ignored, but any who tried to do the same the day before took the risk of calling Q's attention.

Halloween was always my favorite day of the year. I mean, spending the day cavorting about Hogsmeade in costumes, pulling pranks on unsuspecting strangers, and then coming back to Hogwarts for a fantastic feast? Couldn't get any better.

With much debate, we finally settled on our costumes for Halloween.

"You always had a thing for red," muttered Amanda darkly, who was still sore that we had turned down her zombie idea so quickly. Amanda happened to have a thing for zombies.

"I look good in red." I shrugged. Honestly, what did she expect of me? No way in hell would I ever costume myself as a zombie. Vampire, maybe. Mummy, definitely yes. But zombies are well known for having their limbs fall off on a regular basis… and wizard Halloween costumes are, of course, uncannily realistic. I was not signing up for anything that required my arm to be detachable. I like my arm. I named it Steve. I could never part from Steve. He trusted me.

Halloween morning I woke in a state of anticipation, in case the Marauders' prank had taken place during the night, like last year when they trapped thousands of bats in the Gryffindor House rooms and I had awoken to the interesting sight of a black ceiling, the stone completely covered up as bats had grasped onto the rough surface. Not so interesting had been the bat that flew into my face and got trapped in my hair for a few seconds. The year before that, the Marauders had kept everyone in anticipation all day long the giant pumpkins at the feast exploded, showering the Great Hall with slimy pumpkin guts. I'd smelled like pumpkin for weeks. That had been a spectacular explosion.

The room seemed prank free, for the moment. Hogsmeade, here we come.


"Think they've figured it out yet?" asked Remus, watching two boys descend the dormitory stairs into the common room. One briefly paused in conversation to brush something off his left shoulder.

"Nah." Sirius put his feet up on the opposite couch and placed his arms behind his head, lounging ostentatiously. "Too early. They'll think it's bad luck the first time it happens."

"Hey James!" Someone shouted across the common room. "What's the prank?"

"Yeah, tell us!"

James flashed them a grin, not pausing from his important task of coloring his fingernails black with a quill and pot of ink he'd found left out on the table.

"All done," he declared, finishing. He held up his hand for Sirius to admire.

"You're sick in the head," Sirius informed James. Peter snorted.

"You're jealous," he defended. "Evans, what do you think?" he asked the passing girl, flourishing his hand.

"I think you're sick in the head, Potter," she responded immediately, not even looking at him as she swept by.

"Ouch," said Remus, as James faked looking offended.

"Your mean words are hurtful to me!" James shouted at Lily's back.

"Sticks and stones," she shot back.

James watched her for a moment before sighing. He grabbed his wand, gave it a tiny flick, and replaced it in his pocket. Lily continued on her way untroubled.

"What'd you do that for?" complained Peter. "She was about to walk into one!"

"Yeah, mate, why? Think: you would have seen Lily Evans flustered, for once," said Sirius.

"Why, James?" Remus looked at him pointedly. "Were you actually thinking of something other than your life's mission to embarrass Lily?"

"Do you love her?" taunted Peter.

"Dammit, guys!" James threw down the feathered quill he'd been twiddling. "I was just trying to be nice. I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!"

Quite suddenly three red robed people jumped out in front of the Marauders. "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" they cackled thunderously, and then were gone just as quickly and mysterious as they had appeared.

Sirius blinked.

"Damn Halloween," grumbled James. "Stupid people in stupid costumes."

Sirius raised his eyebrows at James, who was currently attired as witch, a costume that mainly consisted of a wild long-haired wig.

James met Sirius' look but didn't say anything.

"So, your first Quidditch game is in a few weeks…," said Remus diplomatically.


FOURTH YEAR

"Three…two….one…" Alex chanted under her breath, watching the giant pumpkins restlessly. Around her, the chatter of students excited after a day at Hogsmeade filled the Great Hall.

The pumpkins rumbled. A few people turned to stare at them. They rumbled again, louder. The room grew quiet as everyone slowly noticed the disturbance. Another rumble. Someone dropped a fork and it clattered on the ground.

And then, the pumpkins exploded with a roar and Alex's world was orange and white.

Stunned silence met her ears once she could hear again. As she raised her arms to make the accurate observation that she was absolutely covered in slimy orange goo, the shrieks started and the Great Hall was thrown into uproar.

"Best…prank…ever!" The Gryff next to her shouted to a friend, trying to be heard over the chaos.

"My hair!" she wailed back.

At one end of the Gryff table, a group of girls picked up a chant. "James! James! James!" they cheered.

Alex sneaked a glance at James, who was looking shocked, covered in orange slime. Not to be outdone, and always one to seize the moment, Sirius led the Gryffs around him into his own cheer of "Sir-ius! Sir-ius!"

Alex smiled to herself. She hadn't underestimated his arrogance on bit. Which was why she'd organized Operation Pumpkin Kaboom to apologize for breaking tradition and interfering directly with their original dragon prank. She'd foreseen, correctly, no problems in getting them take full credit for her genius.


Author's Note: Something as amazing and magical as the Sandwich Theorem should not be known to mortals. But I'm guessing it has to do with velociraptors.

And, I didn't give many hints about this years prank, but what do you guys think it is?