Javeen woke up like she normally did. Pain shooting throughout her body in waves, reminding her of every mistake she had made recently. The failed dodge of the wyvern's claw across her chest. The splatter of green venom that wormed its way into her system. The first arrow piercing her back, lodging itself close enough to a rib to break it. The second arrow that had gone right through her shoulder. Each a reminder of how much more she had to go before she was the fighter she needed to be. One that her loved ones could rely on and trust completely.

One that wouldn't fail Bethany like Carver was.

She woke up much earlier now, so that she could join the Arishok in meditation. The Arishok was onto something about meditation, it was remarkably calming and peaceful. Even her pains seemed to subside slightly as she sat there cross legged, eyes closed and concentrating on her breathing. She wished she knew how to do this properly before, it definitely would have helped her all those times Kirkwall proved...aggravating.

Though that was a light word for it.

Today, however, seemed to be a bad pain day. As she breathed in, her broken rib throbbed at an increasingly more painful pace. Her breaths became shorter and harder to complete. The Arishok noticed.

"Your breathing is irregular," he commented, opening an eye.

"I'm-" she began, but took a breath too quickly, and spun into a coughing fit. It lasted for a good thirty seconds before calming, the pain in her rib flaring. "-fine."

The Arishok's eyes narrowed. "I do not understand the fascination of lying in your society. Even when it causes one more pain."

"I'm fine," she insisted, even as her breaths were still strained. She didn't want him to see her weak like this.

"And where is that wisdom you claim to have," the Arishok said harshly, "there is no purpose in denying it."

A flash of...something ran across her face. It wasn't anger, lest she feel a wave of dizziness. But she didn't. She felt...shame? Sadness? Guilt? She had no idea what this was. But it was painful. Just as painful as the sharpness in her back, her shoulder, her chest. She needed...for him not to see this. She stood up slowly, gritting her teeth against the pain, forcing herself to stand up straight.

"If I can stand, then I am alright," she said quickly, and then descended the stairs, using every bit of willpower not to hold her side as she did.

She could almost hear the disappointment from the Arishok. And what did disappointment sound like? It sounded like empty, desperate footsteps that echoed through a quiet morning, and the silence of a presence that you wanted nothing more than its respect. She hobbled behind a pillar, leaning against it as she cradled her side with one hand.

"Damn it," she hissed, "damn it."

She didn't move until some of the pain went away.

When she entered the healer's tent, he was already attending to Joanna, replacing bandages. He turned his head at the sound at the entrance. "You are early."

"Hmn," Javeen grumbled, sitting at her usual spot.

The healer raised his brow at her, but he caught that something was wrong. And with her diagnosis and the way that it was progressing, he could guess that it was a flare of pain that was natural with injuries like hers. Especially since he was trying to wean her off numbing potions so she wouldn't develop a dependance on them.

"There is a tea," he began, turning his attention back to Joanna, "that assists with managing pain. However, it will cause drowsiness and you will not be able to work. You will recall I suggested this remedy before, when you first came here. You refused."

"Because feeling drowsy all day would annoy me," Javeen said, "but...I'll take it today."

"Very well. I will prepare it."

He finished changing Joanna's bandages before moving into his curtained off area for preparing herbs and medicines. Javeen reclined into the raised cot, letting out a sigh. Many of the qunari still staying in the tent were asleep, their snores almost lulling her into sleep as she closed her eyes. Then Joanna spoke up.

"Are you okay?"

Javeen frowned. "Yes, I'm fine."

Joanna paused for a moment. "I...think that isn't true," she said slowly, "but...I get it. I used to lie about being hurt to my mom, too. Didn't want to burden her more."

Javeen's eyes widened, glancing in the direction of the battered girl, but not looking at her. "That's not...you were never a burden to your mother. And if she ever said that, she's wrong."

"I guess," Joanna said. Javeen finally turned her head to look at the seventeen year old. Maker, she looked frail. "The healer said...I'm probably going to lose my eye."

Javeen didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry," was all she could manage.

"There's a slim chance...that it can be healed," Joanna smiled desperately, though Javeen could tell she was on the verge of tears, "but if it doesn't, what am I going to do?"

"What you want."

"I don't know what I want," she sniffed. She quickly wiped away a tear falling from her good eye. "When I tried to take my will money, I had no plan for after. That's why I was caught. I don't know what I'm doing."

"You have the time to figure it out," Javeen said, unsure if that was helpful. "So long as you're in these walls, you're safe."

Joanna's mouth thinned. "I am extremely grateful that I'm here, but...I cannot expect the qunari to protect me if...if something happens. There's no reason for them to care for my safety."

"So long as you're my patient," the healer's voice called from his room, listening to every word, "you will be under my protection."

He came out from behind his curtain, holding a steaming cup of tea for Javeen. Her jaw was hard as she took the cup, gulping it down quickly and wincing at the heat running down her throat. It didn't taste great, it was bitter and more akin to drinking grass, but she emptied the cup nonetheless. She let out a long breath when she was finished.

The healer was beside Joanna again, popping the cork off of a bottle of numbing salve with his thumb. Javeen watched this as she waited for the tea's job to start, noting just how terrified Joanna must have been. She was truly alone now, even with the support of the healer. And that support could only extend to the point until she recovered, even if the healer wanted to keep her safe even after. She knew the Arishok literally couldn't support her, he had a whole damn compound to be concerned about and Joanna was not a part of it. But Javeen was, even if the Arishok would not say it out loud. A debt was binding.

Javeen's head lolled to the side as the tea's effects took place. Her mind clouded, and couldn't hear the words she was saying. "I'll protect you," she muttered, but loud enough for the two to still hear her. "I'll protect the compound, and Kirkwall. Everyone. And...m-myself..."

The healer turned to look at her. "Protecting the compound is unnece-ah." Javeen was fast asleep, her breathing even and peaceful. The healer grinned.

Joanna placed a hand on her mouth to stifle a laugh. "Do you think she was serious?"

He chuckled. "She does not say anything she does not mean."


When Javeen regained consciousness, the weather was much warmer and sunlight lit up the tent. She was still groggy and tired from the effects of the tea, but she could hear her surroundings. By the heat, it must have been around late afternoon, the hunger in her belly said she had skipped breakfast for sure. There was also a nice smell, of those meat buns the Mashaar was so apt at making. It was probably her lunch waiting for her. She heard the usual quiet noises of the qunari focusing on recovering, and the happy sounds of two voices; Joanna and Camlen. She cracked an eye open, seeing the two chatting away while the healer attended to other qunari.

It was nice when someone listened to her advice.

As she raised upwards, Camlen flashed a grin. "Ah. See? Told you she'd wake up soon."

Joanna beamed. "Hawke! Are you feeling better?"

Javeen avoided that question. "I see you two kids are getting along."

"I'm not a kid," Camlen frowned, glancing at the food beside her bedroll. He grabbed one of the buns, smiling mischievously. "Poor Hawke. You look so tired. Maybe I should help out and feed you."

Javeen exhibited what her companions would call a death glare. "Keep that away."

"Aw, don't be shy," he cooed, moving the bun in a circular motion as he drew closer. Unbeknownst to him, that was when the Arishok entered the tent, his face unchanging from his usual expression as he watched.

Javeen caught Camlen's face in one hand just before he could shove the bun into her mouth, using little of her strength to push the annoying elf away. He stumbled back a few steps, his mouth agape. "By the flames, how the hell are you so-"

"I am much stronger than you," Javeen said cooly, her face deadpanned. "Shanedan, Arishok."

Camlen whirled around quickly, placing the bun back onto the plate as fast as he could while showing the Arishok his respect. It was awfully clumsy, the tips of his ears red.

"Shanedan," he replied, his voice tinged with the tiniest bit of amusement. He probably expected such displays of foolishness from newly converted viddathari, the lesson already learned from the heat radiating from Camlen's cheeks. He turned to only regard the healer after, asking about the condition of his soldiers.

When his question was satisfied, he turned to leave, though he took the opportunity to cast a golden eye on Joanna. His expression was mostly unreadable, but it wasn't what one would call friendly. Joanna seemed to shrink two inches, looking away from his eyes and to the floor. The Arishok made a short noise in his throat, and walked out of the tent.

Joanna took a deep gasp, apparently having held her breath in the Arishok's presence.

"Something wrong?" Camlen asked with a hint of humour. He recovered quick when he wasn't the point of embarrassment.

"I-I," Joanna stuttered, "I'm sorry, I just...I find him a bit...scary. And he clearly doesn't want me here, so..."

"Sure, to the second point," Camlen shrugged, "but not so much on the first point."

Joanna pursed her lips at him. "As if you were not frightened the first time you met him!"

"Nope."

"That is not truthful, viddathari," the healer smiled.

As Camlen began to interject, Joanna turned to Javeen. "What about you, serah? Are you scared of the Arishok? Even a little? You're not Qunari."

One burst of quick laughter escaped Javeen's mouth, then settled back into her default deadpan. "No."

The two qunari grinned at that, but Joanna looked wide eyed and confused. "Really? Not one bit?"

"I do not scare easily," Javeen said simply.

"Then have you never been scared?" It was less a question, and more of a demand that reeked of desperation and validation.

Javeen paused. A lump formed in her throat as her eyes grew to a more strained and downcast look. She thought of thunderous footsteps of a giant. Darkspawn slashed through her sight, keeping her away from where she should have been, where she needed to be. A horned creature, not a qunari, but a monstrous ogre, taking her little brother in its giant fists and ending his short life with no care in the world that he deserved better, deserved to live until he was one hundred. She saw the light ebb out of his eyes, as his twin watched in horror, as their mother's heart spilt in half.

That was when Javeen first knew the true meaning of fear.

"I have," she said, staring ahead and not looking at any of them. "When I lost my brother to the Blight. I failed to protect him."

A silence permeated around them, the grins of the qunari gone as they regarded her. That was the first time they saw Javeen so small, and not in that humorous teasing about her height. They saw Hawke, but she wasn't Hawke in this moment, she was a just a person. Who lost someone she could never forgive herself for.

The healer watched her carefully, eyeing the lines on her face and the bags under her eyes. Without a word, he took one of the meat buns from the plate and held it in front of her. "Eat," he ordered, though not unkindly. He knew she did not want sympathy. Just a push...towards a better state.

She took the bun and tore a chunk off with her teeth.

Nothing else was said after, and eventually Camlen was shooed out of the tent as his checkup was complete. The healer returned to his duties attending the other qunari, but still within earshot. While Javeen finished her meal, the down-trodden Joanna sheepishly spoke up once more. "I'm sorry, Hawke. For making you relive that."

Javeen shook her head. "I relive it everyday. Whether people deign to remind me of it or not."

"How is it that you function, if you...you-" Joanna began, then stopped herself. "I'm afraid all the time. Not just because of what happened. Even before then. How do I make it stop?"

"You have to stop caring about what strangers think of you, for starters," Javeen said, blunt in her tone, but not cruel. "And then, you have to...accept the fact that you cannot change the past. You make the effort it takes to keep yourself afloat. None of which are easy feats."

"I-I see," she replied, disappointed.

Javeen sighed. "Joanna, the way I see it, the world should be terrified of you. You survived an attack by giant, skillful people who were desperately trying to kill you, people that which Qunari have trouble hunting. You alone, with no weapons, no backup, no allies, survived multiple Tal-Vashoth, even when injured. I'd hazard a guess not many people have been able to do the same. Hell, maybe I couldn't even do that. You are not as weak as you think you are."

A blush crept up Joanna's neck, spreading across her face as her eyes grew wide. The brown colour of her skin deepened, with bits of red peaking at the edge of her cheeks, and she looked away. Had she never received a compliment before?

"T-thank you. I- that is very kind of you to say."

"Just a statement of fact," Javeen shrugged. She decided to test the waters of her injuries and stood up, noticing her legs were a bit shaky. The pain she felt before was mostly numbed, and after a few moments of standing, her legs ceased their shaking. She couldn't do any work today, as the healer had said, but that didn't mean she would stay in here all day.

And there was someone she should see again.

"Are you leaving?" Joanna asked, a touch of disappointment in her voice.

Javeen nodded. "That big guy I'm not afraid of whatsoever? I confused him with my penchant for hiding my fears. As you pointed out. I think he deserves some explanation."

"Oh," Joanna laughed. "Then you better go. Good luck."

"She has never relied on luck," the healer smiled.

"Damn right I haven't."


Being here this long, and the fact that Qunari kept to stern schedules, Javeen knew it would be a few hours before the Arishok returned to his tent. She spent that time doing the most productive things she could think of; most involving hygiene. When there was an hour left before the Arishok would make his way to his personal tent, intent on relaxing after a long day of planning, observing, and Maker knows what else. Javeen almost felt bad that she would disrupt his well deserved break. Almost.

She walked right into his tent, after finding an opportunity to do so away from prying eyes. She settled herself in the middle of his tent, sitting cross legged like she did this morning. Every morning. She had to catch up today. Maybe she concerned herself too much over how the Arishok saw her. With her other companions, she never really had to explain herself about much, they just...followed her for some reason. They would voice their concerns once in a while, sure, but they never left her. And thus, Javeen never felt the need to explain herself.

She shook her head. She was a hypocrite. She had just told Joanna she had to stop caring about what others thought about her, and here she was doing the exact opposite. Two voices nagged at the back of her head. One was of Seneshal Bran, toting his pompous words she had heard before; how he felt sorry for her companions to be led by someone so heartless. But then, the other voice was of mother's.

They stay because they love you. And you want to prove yourself to them because you love them.

Maybe she needed to follow that advice she had given Joanna before more closely.

So deep into her thoughts she was, that she almost didn't hear the Arishok enter the tent. Her eyes opened as she heard the heavy footsteps stop in front of her. Her neck strained as she looked up at him, annoyance decorating his eyes, but at least it was not anger she saw in them. "Why are you here." This was not a question.

She couldn't help but grin. "I don't think you will understand it."

His eyes narrowed. The words were similar to what he had said to her many times years ago. She felt some satisfaction that she could hurl that back at him after all this time. He made a short annoyed sound in his throat and moved past her to sit on his cushions. He wasn't telling her to leave, so that was a good sign.

She joined him, sitting on opposite ends to face him. "I get that I do things you don't understand. Sometimes, even I don't understand them myself. But I'll try to explain. I owe you that much."

He gave her a look that said just start already. And she did. "I have...a difficult time allowing people to see me hurt. Not strangers, they don't concern me one bit. But with people I care for...those that I respect. Damn, but I can't let them see weakness. That's why I acted the way I did this morning."

"I still do not understand the lie."

Javeen paused. She had to think of a way in which a Qunari would understand. Otherwise this would go nowhere. She thought of Tallis, and their conversation in jail. "Think of it as if I am charged with keeping a whole together. If I am seen as weak, the pieces of the whole do not trust me, and if there is no trust, we fall apart. The lie in a way keeps the whole together, keeping the weakness out of sight keeps the trust, and so the whole stays together as it should. I am not trying to protect myself, but the entire system."

The Arishok regarded her, leaning forward as he listened. "This I do understand. However, the execution is flawed."

She laughed. "I never claimed that it wasn't. It is flawed. Probably why I respect you. You are the ideal that keeps a whole together. I see it everyday here. This compound stays together, working in unison and certainty that is not threatened to collapse."

"Such is only achieved in the Qun," the Arishok said, his eyes gleaming as he stared at her. "You would know this certainty if you followed the Qun. You would not rely on falsehoods to continue your duty."

The intensity of his gaze made her realize this was more than a statement. This was an invitation. She tried to brush it off by laughing. "I would make a crappy Qunari."

"There is no such thing," the Arishok replied, still not taking his eyes off her.

"And I cannot abandon the family I have made here," she said firmly, "my duty is to them."

He leaned back, nodding slowly. "I understand this. A chosen family follows the teachings of the Qun." He regarded her again with those intense eyes. "But Kirkwall cannot contain your duty forever. It is questionable whether it does at all. You know this."

A moment of fear stabbed her stomach. She did know. But she didn't want to admit it. The Arishok spoke from a place where he assumed that the city would self destruct eventually, and maybe he was not incorrect. But Javeen spoke from a place that knew one day Kirkwall would not be as it is, a place that needed her to stabilize it. Then she thought of her companions. Of Merrill. Kirkwall, no matter what, was not a waste. "Kirkwall needs me. Not even you would abandon something that needs you, even if it brought you suffering."

The Arishok exhaled loudly, returning to his normal, neutral face. "Perhaps."

"Don't worry," Javeen smirked, "when you return to Par Vollen, I'll visit one day. I'm dying to see the place where you all come from."

"You assume I would wish to see you."

"I am a delight."

The Arishok barked a laugh, louder than any she had heard from him before. It was a light-hearted insult, one between, dare she think it, friends? Perhaps, perhaps not. She had just rejected his offer to join the Qun. But then, he had not thrown her out of his tent. Half of Kirkwall wanted to throw her out of the city, and she was an ally to it. She doubted she would get a straight answer from him if she asked if they were friends or not. Did it need to be said?

She couldn't help but chuckle with him. Considering the Arishok as a friend was not something she could have ever predicted.