The very fist memory Sam Winchester has of his father is laying on a motel bed at night terrified his daddy died.

"What isn't daddy back yet, Dean?"

"What if he's dead, Dean?"

"What if the monster got him this time, Dean?"

All through his life, Sam imagined what he would do the day his father died. Because his father would die sooner rather than later. He was sure of that since he was 8 years old. One day John Winchester was going to go out on a hunt and he would not come back. That's what happens in the life he led. One day a monster was going to get him on a bad day and he would die. Simple as that.

The same thing was going to happen to Dean, too. By the time Sam accepted the fact that his father and his brother would not ever going to give up the chase, he started getting ready for the inevitable day they would die. He had to be strong.

Most of the times he was terrified of the idea. He lost count of how many nights he spent in motel rooms with his heart jumping out of his chest, unable to sleep, unable to even breath until he heard the click on the door lock and the shadow of his father entering the room.

A few times, he was angry. He told himself he would never come to the funeral. He lied to himself it would actually be for the better, the chase would be over, he would be free.

When he got to college and his family disappeared out of his sight, it got worse. He started to dread the sound of his phone ringing. He would never leave it out of battery, he would make sure to never go anywhere that didn't get reception and he always, always answered it. No matter what.

Every time it rang he wondered if that was it. 'Is this the time someone is calling me to tell me my father is dead?'

Yesterday, it was.

Pastor Jim called him and the tone of his voice alone told Sam it was bad. He clung to the phone foolishly hoping that maybe his dad was just injured. Maybe he was badly injured. Maybe he needed a blood transfusion.. Maybe he needed a transplant. Maybe he wasn't dead.

He was.

His father was dead and five minutes later his brother was in his living room clutching his silver Colt and for minutes that stretched into forever Sam was sure his worst nightmare was coming true and he was going to lose them both.

He didn't.

He got Dean through.

"We always patch each other up."

Sam focused on that.

"We always patch each other up."

The key was each other and sure enough, later that day, when Sam was the one drifting away, Dean got him through.

"Not leaving you".

It didn't last long.

Being around Dean made Sam immediately revert to childhood, to 'Sammy', and 'Sammy' always spoke before his brain engaged in what it was doing. He blurted out the only thing he really, really, really shouldn't had and his brother closed off again, out of his reach.

It's ok, though.

Dean is alive and Sam can fix this. He just has to focus.

"Not leaving you too, Dean."

He watches his brother pour salt in their father's remains. Sam won't join him. It isn't fair. Dean's the one that never left his father's side, never doubted him, never disobeyed him, never gave up his faith in the man. Dean should do this. He should do it alone.

Dean lights the fire and Sam can see in his eyes the moment the memory of their mother invades this reality that is already so terrible.

Sam has no nightmares about that fire. He's sure he's going to get a few out of this one.

They stand there in solemn silence, side by side, and after a moment, Pastor Jim, Caleb and Bobby leave them alone.

Sam has imagined this scene hundreds of times. Standing next to his brother burning his father. He imagined what he would feel, what he would do, what he would say, but now it's here and he says nothing, does nothing.

He only wishes he felt nothing.

Sam's heart feels empty and it hurts and burns at the same time and how is that even possible?

He tries to stand at rigid attention, a last sign of respect for John Winchester from the son he received anything but. It's hard with his body losing ground to silent sobs and Sam thinks it's fitting that Dean's standing next to him perfectly still.

It's the perfect depiction of the Winchester brothers. Dean strong and focused and Sam falling apart.

When he steals a glance to his brother, though, he sees different. Sure, Dean is at attention. Back erect, head high, eyes straight ahead, mouth in a tight thin line. But his eyes are red and raw and overflowing. His tears soak his face in sharp contrast to his composed expression.

Sam never saw his brother cry before.

The two of them stand there for hours. Sam worries if Dean is ever leaving this spot. Doesn't matter though. Sam won't leave his side. He's not sure when that decision was made, but it is clear in his head.

"Not leaving you."

Not now.

Not ever.

Not again.

The flames have faded for at least a couple hours when the day breaks and Dean finally moves. He takes two steps back and without a word starts the hike to the house. Sam follows him silently.

'Not leaving you.'

When they get to the house, Dean doesn't enter. He moves around it and it takes Sam a moment to realize where he's going.

When Dean opens the driver's door to the Impala, Sam moves to the back half dreading his brother stopping him.

He doesn't.

Dean lays down on the front seat.

Sam lays on the back.

He takes a deep breath of the familiar scent of leather and gun powder in the closest place he ever really had to a home. Dean's asleep in less than a minute, Sam can tell. He just lays there, taking in his brother's breathing, calming himself down.

Dean's alive.

Focus.

SPNSPNSPN

Author's note: Hi, I'd just like to thank you for all your wonderful reviews. You guys are awesome.

Anyway, just letting you know, it's going to be awhile before I can update again. Probably only next week. Just letting you know I'm not disappearing. Just real life getting in the way. I'll be back, though, I promise.