Can't Beat Em, Join Em
by TheBucketWoman
Disclaimer: I own no part of LWD nor do I own Harry Potter, though I reference it hugely.
Chapter Seven
Part Thirteen: Emily
First off, I told Derek that I wasn't taking a side in any of this mess that he and Casey had going. It seemed like everyone was with me, even Ralph who barely knew Casey from a hole in the wall. Derek said that that was fine with him. That he wanted us to stay out of it. (Like that'll happen.) In Derek-ese it could mean anything in the world, so I wasn't sure if I could believe him.
"I say believe him," Sheldon said as we left Ralph's on Saturday. "I'm too tired for subtext."
That was good enough for me.
I went looking for Casey on Monday because I hadn't heard from her all weekend. I found her by her locker, head down, like she was all alloooone in the world. She is so lucky we're best friends.
"You didn't call me," I said, hoping she'd take that to mean all was cool with me if it was cool with her.
"Didn't think you'd want me to," she said.
"More like you didn't want me to yell at you," I said. "But by the looks of you, you've had enough grief."
"So you still want to talk to me?" she said.
"Duh," I said. "Otherwise I wouldn't waste my time yelling would I?" That called for a hug, so we hugged.
"So?" I said. "I heard you have news."
"Um," Casey said.
"Come on, Casey," I said. "I know and you know and you know I know, and I can go on like this all day if you want me to."
"Please don't," Casey said, starting to smile.
"So, Noel Covington?" I said.
"What about him?" Casey said.
"Did you join his band or what?"
"Yeah," Casey said. "So Derek told you?"
"Nope, Sheldon did," I said. "I was late to practice. Missed the rant."
"About Sheldon," she began.
"You rang?" Sheldon said. He can always be counted on for this type of thing. It's a quirk. Casey spun around and he startled.
"Teach me how to do that?" he said, laughing. "I'd totally fall down." He did a little spin then pretended to wobble on his feet a little. I went over and slid an arm around him.
"Sheldon," Casey said. "Be serious, okay?" She looked him in the eye. It made him nervous and twitchy. I rubbed my hand up and down his back.
"Okay," he said.
"I have been so horrible to you."
He rolled his eyes. "Forget it," he said.
"No!" Casey said. "Uh-uh, stop acting like it's no big deal."
"It isn't," he said. He was really uncomfortable with this. He was, like, ten seconds away from walking off, probably face first into an open locker.
"Sheldon," she said.
"You already apologized to me," Sheldon said. "Very extensively. One might say, longwindedly. No need to do it again. I mean who are you, Dobby? You gonna slam your hand in your locker? 'Bad Casey' 'Baaad Casey'?" He was trying so damn hard to get her to smile, but he was getting absolutely nowhere. "Should I order you to stop prostrating yourself? Is that the right word Em? Prostrating? Or am I being gross again?"
"S'okay, I think," I said.
"Do you forgive me though?" Casey said.
He groaned. "Yes, Casey. I forgive you. Okay?"
She hugged him. Maybe hugged was an understatement. She mauled him. Damn good thing I knew she wasn't interested in him. "Sorry I'm being so mushy," she said. "I'm just so relieved."
"I am King of the Mush," Sheldon said. "My people call it schmaltz, but my point is: no worries. But we should probably talk later?" He looked at me for confirmation. I nodded.
The warning bell rang.
"Okay," Casey said.
"And I hope you realize I'm calling you Dobby from now on," Sheldon called after her.
Part Fourteen: Sam.
There was a whole lotta strategizing going on that Monday. I knew Emily was gonna twist Sheldon's arm to help her out. Not that Sheldon needed his arm twisted. He loved being in the middle of this. But they had their part of the plan, which I think had mostly to do with having a long and painful talk with Casey. I wished them luck.
It was Ralph's and my job to keep Derek mostly distracted. It was fun at first, but I ran out of ideas somewhere around third period and by lunch I was ready to pull out some knock-knock jokes.
I was dying for a progress report. Before study hall, while Derek was in the bathroom, Emily pulled me aside and told me just enough to really drive me nuts. But then for lunch, she sent Sheldon to us while she stayed with Casey. While Derek stuffed his face, I grilled poor Sheldon. And I think under the circumstances we were both pretty stealth about it.
"So, about Dobby," I said.
Sheldon gave me such a look. I'm surprised I'm still alive. "You know Dobby?"he asked.
"We've been introduced." Emily gave me the idea, blame her. But when this is all over, Casey will never live it down.
"Dobby's doing okay," Sheldon said.
"Stopped doing the smashing-hands-in-the-locker thing?"
"Finally," Sheldon said. "It was kinda gruesome. Hard to look at."
"It is a bad habit," I said.
"How's Kreacher doing?" Sheldon said. That was right off the top of the boy's head. I had my mouth full and almost choked on my sandwich. Ralph laughed openly. I looked over to check on Derek 'cause I was sure he was going to know something was up, but he was to busy talking to a girl. Her name might have been Maria or Marisol. Or Melissa. Started with an M, anyway.
"Kreacher?" I said. I thought fast. "Kreacher is in denial of his true master."
"Poor, sad elf, I knew it was something like that," Sheldon said. "The master abused her power, though."
"Is the master sorry?"
"Duh,"Sheldon said. "Hence all the crying. Okay, know what? We need to drop this crap. It's getting too hard to do. I'm sleep deprived."
"And I need more soda," I said, nodding toward the soda machines.
"And I need...a thing," Sheldon said. I laughed.
"That's the best you could come up with after all that Dobby and Kreacher stuff?" Ralph said.
"Yeah," Sheldon said. "Like I said: I'm tired. You staying, Ralph?"
"Yeah," he sighed. I think he was a little annoyed to be the lookout. "Did I tell you guys you suck?"
"Repeatedly," I said.
We got to the soda machines and I pretended to hunt for change in my pockets while we tried to figure out what we knew so far.
"To sum up: He won't talk to her," Sheldon said.
"He won't mention her," I said, pulling out some nickels and pennies and pretending to count them.
"Has he ever done anything like this before?"
"Nope," I said. "This is new."
"But she really hurt him the other day. Otherwise there'd be no reason for him to overreact the way he is. Does it feel like she left him for Noel, or am I nuts?"
"Wait...what?" I said. I dropped some change. What kind of weird mind-reader kid is this? I thought.
"You didn't get that?" Sheldon said.
"Yeah," I said, from the floor. "I did. How did you?"
"Gee, dunno," Sheldon said, poking through his own pockets. "I'm...smart?"
"Shel, you know I don't mean it like—"
"Relax, Sam," he said. "I'm messing with you. People seem to be humor challenged today. Anyway, you get it, I get it, pretty much everyone gets it except Casey. And probably Noel."
Sheldon cleared his throat, smiled, and nodded at something I couldn't see. I turned around and saw Casey and Emily's table. Noel was straddling a chair between them and his eyes were glued to Casey. I remembered that look. Hell, I gave her that look not too long ago. Casey herself was talking a blue streak, still looking upset and weepy (another look I know well), and not noticing the way Noel was looking at her at all.
"Poor bastard," Sheldon said.
"So we're getting nowhere," I said.
"Absolutely nowhere," he said. "Let me see what they're doing."
Part Fifteen: Casey.
I came to a decision when I was supposed to be paying attention in History. It was going to make things worse in the short run, but it seemed like the only way to even begin to clean up the mess I'd made. I ran it by Emily on the way to lunch, and not surprisingly she didn't approve, but she didn't have any other ideas, so she said she'd go along.
I grabbed a table in the cafeteria and picked at my PB&J while I waited for Em to buy her lunch. She ran into Noel on the lunch line and dragged him over to me, saving me the trouble of having to find him later.
I sat Noel down and told him I was quitting the band. Then I told him why I was quitting. I cried again. He put a hand on my arm and told me everything would be okay. I had time to wonder who taught him to say all the right things when he said: "Four o'clock."
"Huh?"
"Practice," he said. "Four o'clock. And just to let you know? Lisa is a total slave driver. Hates it when people are late. Frankly I'm a little scared of her."
"Did you not hear any of what I just said?"
"I heard you," he said. "And I probably should have warned you before, but Arrogant Chicken? It's a little like the mafia. There's no escape. You're stuck. It's best not to fight it. Just let your mind go blank. That's what I do."
Emily laughed.
"How is this funny, Em?"
"Yeah, Em," Noel said. "How is this funny? It's not nice to mock people's personal philosophies, ya know?"
"You're awesome," she said.
"Yes I am," he said.
"Okay, I admit it, you're awesome," I said. "Especially for trying not to take no for an answer, but I really do have to quit. Most of my family isn't talking to me because I accidentally started World War Three in my house. If there's going to be any peace, I have to do this."
"I respect that," Noel said, soberly. "I get it. You're being muh-mmm-mature," he stuttered, as if the word caused him pain. Reminded me of Derek. I wanted to cry again.
"Quit messing around," I said. "I'm serious."
"Are you ever not serious?" Sheldon said. I looked up, startled. I will always wonder how he pops up out of nowhere like that.
"Not lately," I said.
"So what's going on?" Sheldon asked.
Emily filled him in, telling him about my plan and Noel's reaction to it.
"And now she's gonna tell me all about how I need to fire her ass right now, even though I don't pay her," Noel said.
"There will be more about what a terrible person she is," Emily teased.
"Well she is," Sheldon deadpanned. He leaned in close to Noel and stage-whispered "She removes mattress tags, I heard."
"No that's true," Emily said.
"And squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle," Sheldon said.
"Badass," Noel said. He looked at his watch. "Anyway, the bell's about to ring, so I shall take my leave." He pecked me on the cheek, waved at Em and Sheldon.
"Four o'clock," he whispered in my ear.
"That went well," Sheldon chirped. I threw a napkin at him. "Hey! I thought you said you were being 'Nice Casey,' now."
I put my head on the table; then the bell rang.
Part Sixteen: Sam
While Sheldon was on reconnaissance, Emily texted me:
"Casey quitting band. Am stalling," her message read.
I texted back that she should keep it up and that I would handle Derek.
I had an idea.
"All they had was diet ginger ale," I said, coming back to the table.
"Hate it when that happens," Ralph said.
"Mmhhm," Derek said. "That's a nice touch."
"What?"
"The 'pretending to go get sodas so you could talk strategy' thing?"
"Is that what you did?" Ralph said. "Well I'm just appalled, is what I am."
"You're laying it on thick, Ralphie," Derek said.
"I wanted an iced tea," I said. "Is that a sin?"
"If you worked alone, you might've fooled me," Derek said, arms crossed. "But those two," he gestured at Sheldon and Emily. "You may as well have taken out an ad in the paper."
I gave him my "worried" look. "Are you pissed?" I asked. I knew that he wasn't pissed.
"Nah," he said. "I knew you were gonna try something. Even though there was no way it would've worked."
I love it when Derek thinks he's on to me. It's so much fun.
"Could've worked," I said.
"You didn't stand a chance."
"If you say so," I said. I sat down and said nothing for about a minute.
"So aren't you gonna tell me?" Derek said.
"Tell you what?"
"Whatever message they have from Casey, blah blah blah," Derek said.
"She's probably gonna try to talk to you later," I said.
"Uh-huh," Derek said.
"After she's done quitting Noel's band, pretty much ensuring that he won't be talking to her either," I said. "I'm sure it'll ruin the guy's day."
"Dude, really?" Ralph said. "That sucks."
"And I'm supposed to care, because..."
"You asked," I said.
"I have a natural curiosity," Derek said.
"Uh-huh," I said.
"Don't uh-huh me either," Derek said.
"'Kay," I said.
"Stop acting like you have the upper hand," Derek said.
"Who's acting?" I said.
He put his head down for a second, then, when his head came back up, he said: "Fff-fff—"
There were teachers within earshot and if he'd said what he'd wanted to say, well, there'd have been many many detentions.
"Fudge?" Ralph said.
"Fiddlesticks?" I said.
"One of those," Derek said. "Why is this chick so born to undo herself?"
"So you do care," Ralph said.
"Shut up," Derek said.
The bell rang.
