"Puddin', you're back late," commented Harley as she heard the front door open.
"Store didn't have any macaronis," grumbled Joker, carrying a bag of groceries. "So naturally I had to burn it down and find another store. Which still didn't have any macaronis, so I had to rig up another set of explosives on the fly, which involved me going to another store and buying some propane and fertilizer to construct a rudimentary bomb. Of course by that time the cops and the Bat showed up, and I told 'em I wouldn't denote the bomb if they brought me some macaronis. Plus some cookies, and some milk to dunk the cookies in. Which Bats did, and then I said I wouldn't denote the bomb if he sat and shared some cookies and milk with me, and that's when he punched me in the face. So we had a bust up, I denoted the bomb and made my escape with the macaronis and cookies – the milk spilled out when I was running away, but there's no use crying over it!" he chuckled.
His hysterical laugh at his own joke was suddenly cut off when he saw Harley cuddled on the sofa with Jonathan Crane, who looked very pleased. "Who invited the nerd?" demanded Joker.
"I did," replied Harley, lightly. "Johnny and me haven't hung out with just the two of us in a while. Since college, in fact. It's nice to reconnect outside of a professional environment. In a more…personal environment," she purred, putting her feet up onto Crane's lap. "How about a massage, Professor?" she asked, smiling at him.
"Of course, my dear," he said hastily, obeying her.
"Mmm, I tell ya, there are some things you just can't be taught," sighed Harley. "And how to give a killer foot massage is one. It's a natural ability you're just born with, isn't that right, Professor?"
"If you say so, my dear," agreed Crane. "I happen to believe that most things can be taught, or I wouldn't have become a teacher, but not all things can be taught theoretically – many experiences are ones that can only be improved upon with practice rather than studying, which was my mistake for many years. One can read as many books about fear as one wants, but in order to truly change the world, action is what is required. It's one of the reasons I gave up academia – there was a field entirely bereft of action…"
"Yep, entirely bereft of action of all sorts, and you can understand why with the way you babble," interrupted Joker. "What kinda dame wants to listen to a boring old poindexter yak all day long?"
"I actually like the way Johnny's academic musings increase the tone of the whole conversation," spoke up Harley. "It's nice to have another intellectual equal around here."
Joker glared at her. "What do you mean, another intellectual equal? You saying you think I'm dumber than you?"
"Well, I am a doctor," said Harley, nodding. "I went to college and medical school. Do you think you ever earned any college diplomas or doctorates, Mr. J?"
"No!" snapped Joker. "And I'll tell you why, because I ain't a nerd! I didn't waste the prime of my life with a buncha dusty textbooks and tests! I was out there making the most of life by having fun!"
"Y'know, Johnny used to have a word for people like you," said Harley. "It was slacker, wasn't it, Johnny?"
"Oh, I had many," agreed Crane. "Slacker, failure, moron, idiot, intellectually barren, although of course that's two words…"
"I know it's two words – I can count to two!" snapped Joker. "And just because I didn't go to college, that doesn't make me a moron! Croc's a moron – I'm a genius! Y'know, even Einstein failed his second grade math class because he was a genius, and that school stuff was holding him back. We real geniuses can't be graded and labeled like you common people with your fancy degrees!"
"And what miraculous, world-changing discovery have you made with your genius, Joker?" asked Crane, sarcastically. "How to use a whoopie cushion?"
"Well, I am quite inventive with that – you can ask Harley," chuckled Joker. "I'm certainly a genius in the sack, ain't that right, baby?"
"Maybe," agreed Harley. "But I don't exactly have a lot of experience with other guys in the sack to compare it to. You could be pretty average objectively."
Joker gaped at her. "Average?" he repeated, aghast. "Are you nuts?! Do you have any idea how spoiled you are when it comes to my sexual performances?! They're a goddamn masterpiece every time!"
"Well, you're certainly not the most enthusiastic guy in the sack sometimes," said Harley, shrugging. "Bet Johnny would beat you in the enthusiasm department, wouldn't you, Johnny?"
"Yes," agreed Crane, hastily. "Yes, I would be…very, very enthusiastic if given the opportunity."
"Well, you keep massaging like that and you just might," purred Harley, grinning at him. "Ooooh, yes, Johnny…"
"All right, cut it out!" snapped Joker, shoving Crane away from Harley. "Stop pawing my dame! She ain't for you! I don't care if you've got your college days or your doctor degrees in common – Harley and I have something much more important in common!"
"Which is?" asked Crane.
"Sense of humor," retorted Joker. "And you'll never be able to satisfy that part of her, Craney, because you ain't a funny guy! I'm the funniest guy who ever lived, which is why Harley thinks I'm the greatest guy who ever lived. And she's right, by the way."
"I suppose there really isn't a way I can compete with you via your brand of clownish, goofy humor," agreed Crane.
"There, y'see? He admits it!" exclaimed Joker. "He's not as funny as me!"
"But in terms of intellectual wit, I think I might surpass you," continued Crane. "For instance, this humorous definition of a Freudian slip, which is saying one thing, but meaning your mother."
Harley burst out laughing. "I get it!" she giggled.
"I don't," snapped Joker. "And it's not a real joke if you have to explain it, moron! A joke should be obviously funny, not making you know extra stuff to get it!"
"I think there are different types of humor, Joker…" began Crane.
"No, there's just funny, and what's funny is what I say is funny!" snapped Joker. "Because I'm the Joker, and I know funny! Nobody sees a scarecrow and thinks funny, do they?"
"I always thought the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz was kinda funny," said Harley.
"He wasn't funny – he didn't have a brain!" snapped Joker. "You can't be funny without a brain!"
"You manage it," retorted Crane.
Harley giggled again. "Good one, Johnny!"
"It's not a good one!" snapped Joker. "And that's an insult, not a joke! Insults aren't funny!"
"You insult people as jokes all the time," retorted Crane. "And you seem to think they're funny."
"That's because they are funny when I do 'em!" snapped Joker. "Because I'm a funny guy! You're not, so nothing you say is funny!"
"Oh, really?" asked Crane. "What if I said that the only thing super about Superman is his super-ego?"
Harley cracked up again. "I love it!" she cackled. "Because he's got superpowers, but also an overdeveloped sense of morality! It's a joke that works on two levels! Have you ever told a joke that works on two levels, Mr. J?" she asked.
"I've told a joke that works on ten levels when I shoved you outta a ten-storey building!" roared Joker. "And you felt all those levels, didn't you, Harley? You're gonna feel them again if you don't stop stroking Johnny's super-ego!"
"Do you even know what the super-ego is?" asked Crane.
"Yeah, you just said – Superman's ego," retorted Joker.
"Oh dear," sighed Crane. "Someone doesn't even have a basic knowledge of Freud."
"You would have, if you'd gone to college," said Harley. "But I guess you're just my little dunce, aren't you, Mr. J?" she cooed, kissing his cheek.
Joker shoved her away, glaring at her, and then stormed into his study without another word. Harley heard crashing as he began to throw and smash things around the room, including the diorama and the macaroni. She giggled again.
"Aw, it's working great!" she said. "Thanks for being so helpful, Johnny."
"It's a pleasure, my dear," he said, sincerely. "You must let me know if there's anything else I can do for you. Anything at all."
"Just get back to the hideout for now," said Harley. "And let Jervis know he's up next. I don't think we've reached Mr. J's breaking point yet, but we will soon. He just needs one more little push…"
