3/25/849

Dear diary,

Yesterday I turned 21. The squad had to introduce me to my new right - alcohol. Because of that, I cannot describe the night as well as I wish to (the rest of the day was normal).

Today I woke up to the entire squad, including Heicho and Hange. I rolled over and there they were.

"Morning, sunshine." Auro greeted me. I made noises which words couldn't describe.

"Ral, get dressed and come down in 5."

"Yes Heicho." All I could recall was drinking. Then more drinking, until it became a blur. I didn't know how the night ended, but here I was in the morning.

Everybody, except Hange and Heicho left. "Ral, you said last night that you loved me. Is this true?" I got up noting the terrible state of my uniform. "Heicho, you are a great leader and..."

"You meant as a woman loves a man." He interjected. Now, I don't know if I should have told him. I thought 2 things - this was an easy way to admit it and I had told him once (3 years ago). "Yes, Heicho, I do."

"Don't show it." There was another emotion under his calm, but it flicked too quickly for me to name.

I got dressed and walked towards the kitchen. I the corridor, I heard voices. They were from Heicho's office. "I know you love her!" That was Hange.

"How?!" Heicho replied.

"While she was drunk, why did you have to carry her?" The amount of HLM theorizing I did… He carried me? I wish I could remember.

"I'm the strongest."

"Not to mention, she wouldn't get away from you." I stopped to eavesdrop. "But, there was the time you sorted her hair out…" What? He actually… Why? Did HLM?

"I had more to drink than I'd have liked."

"Excuses, excuses."

"Her time's up. She'd better be downstairs." I heard footsteps and rushed down.

The day went fine, except for the pounding headache which reminded me of the night before. In the evening, I met Hange. "Hange, I heard you tell Heicho you think he loves me." Hange looked as if a Titan grabbed her. "What made you think this way?"

She sighed, and I guess something killed the titan. "Well, Levi sorted your hair. Later on he let you sleep on his shoulder." Why couldn't I remember? I wonder how that felt… "Then he carried you back - bridal style." He didn't carry me as I thought - as a fireman: over the shoulder; instead, he actually had me in his arms - in front of him. "He may have even smiled when you said you loved him." HLM. That was that. I just had to go and ask him.

"Thanks Hange." I left. I had to talk to Heicho. If he loved me - this was it, I'd start a relationship.

"Heicho, do you love me?" He blinked at me, frowned, thought a bit and confirmed what I meant by love before saying "No Ral… I don't." I gave him my evidence from Hange.

"Christ Ral, I was drunk!" But he liked me for that night…

My mind wandered through every interaction he and I had had. I began to wonder if I even made it to friends. "Heicho, would you consider me your friend?"

He looked up. "I might."

"Like in the mornings when I make you coffee?"

He thought. There was an apprehension which flicked across his face.

"You're scared you won't be able to get over my death, aren't you?" The words were calmer than me.

"I get over all deaths."

"But with me it's different, isn't it?" I hoped I didn't sound as desperate as I was. What if I really meant nothing special to him?

"Fine." He sounded annoyed. "You are my friend and I care more than I should."

Even in my achievement there was a pang of failure. I must've become a burden to Heicho. But, if I lived for long enough, would me skill and (hopefully) company make up for it. I was mad at Heicho - his annoyance took away that which I waited for for 3 years. He was being pessimistic and hurtful and rejected me again. "You need me! You need somebody who cares!" I almost shouted and began to walk out.

"That's what's hard." I stopped. There was no anger. "Petra, you do make my days better." I was already dreaming of our kids in the space of his pause. "But you'll die and I'll live and that's why I don't want you." His face was solemn. He needed me but didn't want me?

My caring overtook my anger. "How many people like me did you lose?"

"Too many." He blinked slowly. I could see the more emotional him in tears. "So, get out before you join them." But I wanted in on this group.

"Heicho, I'll never join them. I'll live." And make you happy.

"Good luck. Go, make sure dinner's ready." His mask came back on. I left. I realized, while checking on dinner, how much I actually knew Heicho. In the mornings, I could tease out emotions. I'd guess based on his reactions, likes and dislikes. Over the years, I've gotten better - it now takes 3 guesses for me to know exactly how he feels and why.

As I walked back to Heicho's office, it occurred to me that he let me get this close. He never actually stopped me. "You let me become your friend, didn't you?" I asked him, as I entered.

"Is dinner ready?"

"Yes sir."

"And Ral, the whole squad let you." But he still didn't want my friendship, right? Then why did he let me get to know him?

"Thanks." Technically, he told me I was good for the squad. "But, you still didn't answer me."

"I couldn't help it." What? "What was I supposed to do? Hide?" What did he mean. "You could read me better than anybody else and it's convenient to let you."

"Convenient?"

"The only way to stop you is not letting you see me."

"Thanks Heicho." With that I left. So I was his friend! And he couldn't even help it.