So...special loving thanks to twistedcoincidence for kicking my butt into gear to finish this chapter. I think this is sadly my fastest update (2 weeks!) but by far the longest. How'd that work?
Disclaimer: Just so you know, I still don't own a damn thing.
I'll meet up with you at the end with more babbles on my part.
Watching them, I remembered the determined promise I made myself for the day. Today was to be about giving Carlie her childhood back. Today was to be about new beginnings.
My voice was quiet, not hiding the raging emotions still coursing through my veins. "Uh…does the offer still stand?"
~.~
Edward
Bella's voice was so soft that I was questioning myself if I was just hearing things that I wanted to hear. Heaven help me, I wanted her to want me. We spent all day playing a comfortable game of cat and mouse, getting close and then retreating again. But I wouldn't push more than I already have. I got the distinct feeling deep in my belly that all would not be easy with Bella.
I turned my head, finally allowing myself to look at Bella, taking in the gentle curves and soft nature of her features. She was facing our playing girls, slight crinkles of worry in the corner of her eyes behind her sunglasses and her lower lip secured between her teeth. The way she worried on that lip was adorable and honestly one of the most entrancing actions I have even been privy to witness. It was such an innocent gesture that brought about anything but innocent thoughts.
I pushed those thoughts away quickly, at least for the time being, to focus on the task at hand. Bella still hadn't turned to look at me, and I suppose I hadn't given her any reason to. "Bella…" I started, hoping to draw her attention back to me. I didn't really want to talk to her cheek. It took several beats, but Bella finally turned towards me, allowing me to let go of the breath I didn't even know I was holding.
Taking in her face fully, I couldn't help but smile. Bella looked simply beautiful, timid smile and all. "Of course the offer still stands…if you're willing to accept."
The timid smile morphed into a bright one in a matter of seconds. "I do," her words louder and less skittish this time.
Soon both Bella and I were sitting there, grinning like fools on a weathered park bench. Bella agreed and I don't think I've ever been more excited about the prospect of a date in my entire thirty-plus years. This was new. This was a good new.
~.~
The sun was setting as we both headed towards our respective cars, each with a bouncing little girl in tow. How Elise and Carlie still had energy left after running around literally all day would forever be a mystery. Unlocking the vehicle, I opened the door for Elise to crawl in the back seat. She did, only after carefully setting her new Barbie in the empty space next to her booster seat and making sure to brush through the dolls soft hair with her fingertips.
"You done?" I asked, not even fighting the smile at her silly antics as she finally plopped her little butt down into the seat. With a quick nod and giant grin in answer, Elise started to pull the seatbelt out and around her. Leaning in, I helped her snap the buckle in place, but letting her do most of the work. She saw herself as the stereotypical 'big girl' and liked to do most things on her own. Mainly, I was there to make sure she was latched in nice and snug, wearing my over-protective Daddy nature proudly.
As I moved to stand up again, I paused to plant a kiss on my little girl's forehead. I was rewarded with my favorite prize: Elise's soft, musical laugh. "I have to go talk to Miss Bella for a minute. Are you going to be okay?"
"Yup," she said, popping the 'p' and grabbing her doll from beside her.
Standing up completely, my back cracking and popping like I were some decaying old man from the movement, I shut Elise's door first before opening the driver's side front door. I decided to turn the car on and roll down the windows so that she could actually breathe in comfort. When I was sure she was finally all set, secure and comfortable with music flowing through the speakers, I made my way down the row towards Bella.
Leaning back against the side of her car, Bella wore the sexiest smirk on her pouty lips, watching as I approached. I couldn't even begin to fathom the reasoning behind the look. All I knew was that I was cataloguing that expression and tucking it away for later. Bella finally spoke when I was standing in front of her, our proximity so close that I swear I could hear her heart humming in her chest.
"A Volvo?" she said, mock disdain dripping from the tone of her voice as she looked up at me. Her eyes, however, were playful and alive as they danced about in the lowering light.
"A Focus Bella? Really?" I taunted back, smirking and savoring her carefree smile.
With a beautiful little huff and crinkle to her forehead, Bella folded her arms across her chest, trying and failing to seem indifferent to my words. I just arched my eyebrow at her little display and pushing our little game, causing her to 'hrumph' like a small child. So beautiful. "Hey now, don't start knocking the Focus. It's a little beast of a car."
"Fine, fine. To each his own right?" I conceded. The wind was picking up slowly, tossing Bella's hair about. My fingers reached out on their own accord, tucking stray pieces behind her ear and lingering in the softness. Her hair was the color of chocolate, but the fading sun was throwing in mesmerizing hints of red and honey. The feel of it was ever bit of silk and warmth and my fingers itched to run through the waves just once.
But I didn't. I couldn't define the very fine line between too much and not enough with Bella just yet, deciding instead to play it safe for the time being. No need to scare the gorgeous woman away before I could take her on a proper date. A date that would involve no children, just us.
With one last lingering pass, I pushed another flyaway strand of hair behind her ear, running my fingers over the rounded flesh before pulling away. Her skin was like an all-consuming fire, heating my fingertips and making me want more. Bella was truly addictive in touch and smell and simple presence. She would be the most perfect death of me, I swear.
A soft blush rose in her cheeks as she smiled shyly up at me and, for once, she didn't look away. Bella just kept those wide brown eyes on mine. Before I knew what was happening, she started worrying on that lower lip again, causing my mind and body to go places they really shouldn't.
"So Sunday, yeah?" I asked, the words coming out huskier than I had intended, not at all hiding the effect she was having on me.
With a coy smile and nod, she agreed. "Sunday." I couldn't help but smile at the word. A simple day had me wanting to jump around in excitement like a little kid at Christmas. Normally I would have mentally slapped myself a few times at the absurdity of my excitement, but not this time. This time around I was going to revel in the adrenaline high of knowing I'd be alone with Bella in a few short days. Today had been great with the girls. Amazing, actually. But I was a selfish man at my most basic level, and I want her all to myself. I wanted the chance to get to know her. And I wanted the chance to make her smile all over again.
We tried to say our goodbyes, the tension of the in-between heavy around us. A handshake seemed too silly, a kiss too forward, although I would have gladly done the later. It's not like I haven't thought about it since Wednesday. I then considered a hug, thinking it was the safe balance between the two extremes, but thought better of that plan. I didn't want to overstep my welcome, as I'm sure I would if I were left to my own devices.
However, Bella surprised me yet again as she wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me close. I guess a hug wasn't too much…
I wrapped my around her shoulders in return, taking the opportunity to simply experience Bella. She smelled incredibly sweet, hints of strawberries, cherry blossoms and woman peaking through. Her body molded to mine, each soft curve fitting against my own. I could feel her heart beat against her chest in a fluttering rhythm. She was utterly perfect.
With reluctance, I pulled away first, remembering we both had little girls to get home and fed. I also didn't think it wise to put on a show for Carlie and Elise. This was already a touchy situation without confusing them as to what was going on. Whatever this was. Right now, I was still Carlie's teacher and Bella was still just Carlie's Mum in their eyes.
I finally broke the comfortable silence around us. "I should get Elise home." Bella just nodded, her face almost sad, I'm sure mirroring my own desires and feelings. "I'll see you Sunday. One o'clock. You better not forget," I said, flashing her a lopsided grin.
"I couldn't forget," she whispered out, soft and shy.
"Good." Smiling like a fool, I waved goodbye to Carlie as I made my feet walk away from Bella. That simple action—walking away—was more difficult than I would have ever thought possible. I wanted to turn around and tell Bella to come with me, to want me. But then I looked up and saw Elise sitting patiently in the car waiting for me and I realized that this wasn't all about me. I had my little girl to think about and in the same respect, so did Bella.
Reaching the Volvo, I slid into the driver's seat, shutting the door behind me, mentally weighed down by both excitement and reservation. "Did you have fun today Elise?" I asked as I pushed the myriad of thoughts away, turning the key in the ignition and looking at my little girl in the rearview mirror. She just grinned back with the biggest toothy smile, eyes dancing and clutching her new Barbie tightly to her chest. I know that children love getting presents, how could they not, but I have never known Elise to love a singular gift so much. I had a distinct feeling that doll would be attached to her for quite some time.
"Yes!" her squeal echoing in the car. "Did you see when we were playing on the swings? I pushed Carlie so high. And then we switched and she pushed me really high too. I thought I'd fly right away!" I had to chuckle at her sheer happiness, grateful that Elise had that sense of childhood freedom back. She'd been off ever since the breakdown at Mum and Dad's house and this was the first time I've seen her act like the same carefree little girl.
"Daddy?" she asked, her voice suddenly hushed and quiet. She wore a timid, almost scared look on her face, worry crinkles running across her little forehead.
"Yeah baby?"
"I really like Miss Bella too."
~.~
Bella
I was sick to my stomach, my chest tight and my insides in a knotted mess of stress. The ride to Chicago had lasted hours full of packed interstates and angry drivers pushing through traffic, both of which weren't helping my mood. Jasper tried to be as calming as possible, distracting me with thankfully meaningless stories and memories from our time in Forks. But in the end, today was a stark contrast to the ease of yesterday. I already missed that.
"You alright, Bells?" Jasper's voice was soft, breaking through the heavy fog of my mind as we pulled up to yet another stoplight. He was looking at me—I could feel the burn of his all too perceptive gaze—but I kept my eyes forward, looking out the window and seeing nothing at all.
"I'm fine," I mumbled out, completely lying through my teeth. Not satisfied by my blatant denial, Jasper just kept watching me with those blue eyes that always seemed to be able to see more than you wanted to offer up. I just sighed, holding my head in my hands and too tired already to deal with this. "The light's green Jazz."
Turning his attention back to the road, Jasper eased the truck forward just to turn down the next street. We were almost there and that knowledge alone was maddening. I rubbed circles against my temples just to keep sane as we passed through the all-too familiar neighborhoods. And before I was ready, Jasper pulled the truck into the driveway, the tires crunching over the loose gravel.
The house looked exactly the same, weathered grey siding and all. The yard looked the same, just a bit overgrown and with now-dead flowers lining the walkway. Carlie's tricycle was still leaning against the side of the house and there was still a newspaper sitting on the sidewalk as if someone just forgot to pick it up this morning. Everything looked the same even when absolutely nothing at all was.
"Bells, talk to me," Jasper urged again, cutting the engine and turning towards me in the seat. Chancing a look from the corner of my eyes, I noticed Jazz looking about half as hellish as I probably did right about now. His forehead was creased with too many worry lines, looking too old for his twenty-eight years, his eyes soft and sad as they watched me. "You can't take this all on yourself."
I let out a long breath as I unfurled my fingers from my hair and pressed my back into the seat, wishing to just sink through it. I honestly didn't know what to think or where to start. I mean, once I opened the door and stepped out of Jasper's truck I was walking right back into the place I ran from three weeks prior to gather the last little pieces of my life. It was overwhelming and daunting and tiresome without even starting.
"I'm scared Jazz. I know that he won't be here, but it's like I can't help but think I'll see him in every room. Like in the living room, EZ Boy reclining back. Like in the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards for a late-night snack. Like in the bathroom, shaving and dressing for the day. Like in the bedroom sleeping and...and…" I couldn't bring myself to say the final words that would open the floodgates of memory and pain. That was staying safely locked away.
Before I was aware of any difference, Jasper's hand was on my shoulder, squeezing with a gentle strength and radiating warmth. "Hey now, Bells. Look at me." Complying with my brother-in-law's request, I turned towards his voice, my eyes tired and weary. "You got this," he said very matter-of-factly.
Those words were a surprise to hear to say the least. Though not a man of many words, Jasper usually took a more eloquent approach; the Southern gentleman upbringing coming out in him. He must have caught on to my stunned silence because he chose to continue.
"Bells, I'm not going to beat around the bush. This is going to be hard. You're going to be going through things that you don't want to. You're probably going to be reliving some things that you'd rather not have to ever remember again. But once we're done—once we walk out that door with the last load—this is over. You're out of this house, James is out of your life and you're starting over." His blue eyes punctuating his words. "And you have Carlie. You have Alice and I. Hell, you even have Edward cheering in your corner."
Wait. What?
"Wh—what do you mean?" I stuttered out nervously, obviously not hiding my shock at his statement.
Jasper just smiled that knowing grin. "Edward called last night and we caught up. We actually hadn't talked like that in months, both too busy to do more than send random texts when we thought about it. Why didn't you tell us you were spending time with him"
"I didn't think it was important." That was only a half-lie. Or more like a lie of omission.
"Bella…" The tone hanging off my name was enough to know that Jasper would not give up too easily.
I sighed, knowing full well that I would have to explain myself on some level. I had just hoped that it wouldn't be today of all days. But it was. I scrubbed at my face trying to get my bearings before answering. "I have no clue what the hell I'm doing anymore Jasper. Half the days, I wonder what my own name is because my life is just so fuzzy right now. So this whole thing, I just went with it. Edward was sweet when he asked if I wanted to bring Carlie to the park yesterday, so I couldn't say no. I took it as an opportunity for Carlie to make a friend and just be a kid again."
"And for you to spend time with Edward."
The way he had said it was not a question, but spoken as a statement of fact, leaving me little room to argue. "Yes," I managed, my voice coming out barely above a whisper, confirming Jasper's obvious insight.
His hand squeezed my shoulder again with a gentle force of comfort. "Don't worry Bells. Edward is a great guy that's been through hell just like you, only in his own way. Give him a chance, okay? And just have fun on Sunday. I know he's excited about it."
"He told you?"
"Yeah," Jasper said with a chuckle. "He accidently mentioned it actually, but then took the slip-up to fish for information on what you might enjoy. Well, more like running ideas by me first. He just wants to make sure you'll have a good time and be okay. But don't worry, I won't tell Alice. Although, you should probably let her know soon before she finds out on her own and demands to know why she's always the last to be in on things. You know as well as I do that that won't be a pretty situation."
I nodded, understanding his advice about Alice completely. My sister has never been one to take well to being out of the loop. However, more than that, my mind latched on to Jasper's other comment. To make sure I'll have a good time and be okay. His words sunk in and I just had to ask, my voice extremely quiet, "Does he know Jasper?" Not that I could ever fathom Edward deducing my mess of a life or that Jasper would tell him, but I had to know if for nothing more than my own sanity.
"No Bells. That's your story to tell."
~.~
Jasper and I spent six hours boxing up and labeling the remains of Carlie's and my things. Walking through the door the first time was like walking into my own, personal hell, but seeing our family picture hanging in the entryway held all the resolve I needed to get this shit over with and move on.
The picture was the stereotypical portrait that most every family takes at least once, plastering it all over Christmas cards and blowing it up big to hang on the wall just so everyone can see how happy you all are. Carlie was perched in my lap, sweet smile as wide as can be with her curls pushed back by a shiny red ribbon. My smile mirrored her own with my hair swept over my shoulder and tied with a matching ribbon in a loose gather. James crouched beside us, his arm draped across my back with his fingers resting on Carlie's shoulder.
The picture was so completely deceiving. We looked like a happy family loving life and each other to the outside observer. Hell, I fooled myself for so long thinking life was all sunshine and roses. But if you looked, and actually really looked, James's smile never reached his eyes and his fingers rested hesitantly on our daughter's shoulder instead of in a touching comfort. Everything in his stance pointed to the building tension and ever-present distance. Even my own body was reacting unconsciously, pulling away from James and hugging Carlie closer to me.
Seeing this, for the first time crystal clear, made me furious at myself, for lack of a more powerful word. If I just would have opened my eyes earlier and really looked into the shit my marriage had already been and if I would have just taken off those rose-tinted glasses sooner, this could have been different. I could have changed the outcome and saved myself the pain. Yet, the furiousness soon simmered out to resentment and finally into resolve in an emotional rollercoaster lasting all of five minutes until I saw things clearly.
The what-ifs and would-haves were things I couldn't change, but I was the maker of the what-could-bes. And I was going to make my here-on-out worth something if not for me, then for Carlie. With one last look at the picture, I walked in to the place I had called home with empty cardboard boxes ready and waiting for the material possessions of my life.
The hardest room to pack had been the bedroom. Simply sitting there sorting through clothes and sentimental things like pictures and boxes holding letters and cards had shivers running deep in my bones. I couldn't keep the memories of that night at bay, hearing James's voice echo sickeningly around the room. He was everywhere. I could still smell him, the spicy musk lingering thick in the air. I had wanted to gag.
I didn't however. I instead had pulled on my big girl panties, packing what was mine and all the things James didn't deserve to keep. Jasper and I sorted and packed every room methodically until the house was sufficiently bare and devoid of any lingering memory of Carlie or I. Except the picture. I didn't want anything to do with that. In the end, Jasper's truck and trailer were packed full with boxes and bags and even Carlie's big-girl bed. I already bought a new mattress set for the Gran's antique iron bed frame because there was no way I was bringing my old mattress with me. I'd sooner start a bonfire with it than use it as my own again. Actually, I was quite partial to that idea the more I thought about it.
The ride back to Woodbury was filled with a comfortable silence. Where Alice would have talked my ear off to lighten my mood or pester me for information, Jasper let me contemplate on my own terms and by myself. I fell asleep in exhaustion after a short time, letting the day finally catch up with me. It was a blissful nothingness.
We got back into town late in the night, darkness having fallen several hours earlier. I woke up just as Jasper was pulling into my driveway, the sky an inky black and lit in the glow of the streetlamps. I had asked Alice to let Carlie spend the night since I figured today would end like this—late and leaving too much on my mind. I welcomed the night to myself to collect my thoughts, but I missed my baby.
Simply unloading all the boxes took another hour and I would be forever grateful for Jasper's help. That man never complained and never pushed to understand when I'd just stop and stare off at nothing. He was simply there, an ever-steady force. "Thanks Jazz," I said, wiping the hair and sweat off of my face after we finished putting the finishing pieces of Carlie's bed together, a physical and mental exhaustion setting in.
With a soft smile and even softer eyes, Jasper walked over, pulling me into a tight hug. "No need to thank me Bells. You know I'd do anything for you." His voice was muffled as he spoke into my hair before resting his chin atop my head. We stood there just holding each other for minutes. His arms held a familiar comfort and safety that I wanted nothing more than to latch onto.
However, I couldn't keep him standing there forever. I had to let him get on his way back to Alice before my sister started worrying herself silly that he wasn't home. "You should head home. I bet Alice is waiting up for you." With one final, tight squeeze, I pulled back and let go of my hold.
Jasper's hands moved to my shoulder, squaring them so that I would directly face him. "I know this is a loaded question, but are you going to be okay," concern clouding his normally vibrant blue eyes.
"I'll be fine Jazz. I'll probably just unpack some more things before I head to bed," I said, trying to sound convincing for both Jasper and myself. "Tell Ali that I'll call her in the morning before picking up Carlie, okay?"
He stared at me for a few beats longer than normal before running his rough hands up and down my arms, warming the goose bumps that had somehow appeared on my skin. "Alright. Call if you need anything, and I mean anything Bells."
I just nodded, letting Jasper know I heard him. With a final squeeze of my upper arms, he let go and walked towards the doorway to leave. "Oh, and Bells," he paused, turning around slightly back to face me, "just let go and have fun with Edward okay? He really is a good guy, brother-in-law approved and all," he said, ending the last statement with a wink. Smiling back, I watched him turn again and leave for good this time, filing his words away for later as silence fell around the room.
The fact that this was it—that this was me starting over—was just starting to sink in, in turn wreaking havoc on my already questionable emotional status. It didn't look as if I'd be sleeping anytime soon, so I did what I do best and started worrying over my little girl. I started pulling apart box after box labeled for Carlie's room, making countless trips up and down the stairs from the living room.
Call it nesting. Call it maintaining my sanity. Call it whatever you want, but I needed that steady comfort of piecing back parts of Carlie's old life amongst the new. So her room was the first to be righted. Books, toys, stuffed animals and all her clothing went into their rightful places: closet, shelves, dresser, chair and so on until her room looked as it should, everything in a designated place. All it needs now is a new coat of paint to be all Carlie's again. The only thing missing was my baby asleep in her own bed.
I placed Addy gently against the pillows, sinking down on to the small bed myself as the events of the day were finally taking their toll for the second time. So much had happened today from the memories to the pain to the anger to the new beginnings. Everything would take time to sink in completely, but this was the emotionally draining start.
The exhaustion weighed heavy against me. So much so that I curled myself up onto Carlie's bed, grabbing Addy and clutching the loved teddy bear tightly to my chest. I inhaled deeply, letting my baby's sweet smell surround me from her pillows and blankets. It's a simple but welcome comfort, and as my eyes started falling heavier, I promised myself that tomorrow I would tell Carlie. Tomorrow would start our here-on-out.
~.~
"Carlie, can I talk to you?" She looked up from her book, eyes expectant and nodding her head in silence. The book closed as I walk over on shaking legs, sinking down on the bed next to her. I contemplate just tucking her into my side, but realize I need the comfort of closeness just as much as she may. Instead, I pulled her little body onto my lap, relishing the feeling of Carlie snuggling deep into my chest. There is child-like innocence and love in the simple action of my little girl holding on to me like she needs me. Like she finds comfort in me and my arms.
I could only hope and pray that she'd still find that comfort in me after what I had to tell her. I could only hope that her five years of life and love would make her understand why it was just her and I from here on out. I could only hope she wouldn't hate me for shifting her little world so drastically.
We were quiet, me lost in my thoughts and Carlie simply being. My free hand ran through her soft curls on their own accord, tugging and brushing through them in a steady rhythm. Their softness was a welcome touch; the action a welcome distraction.
"Momma?"
"Yeah baby?"
"What did you want to tell me?"
This was the moment I had been running from and sprinting towards for weeks now. Carlie deserved to know, but she didn't deserve to have her life turned upside down for reasons that she probably wouldn't understand. I'd say everything that happened was out of our control, but that's an outright lie. I had control. I could have left after the first time. I could have screamed louder. I could have fought back harder. I could have done something. Anything. But I just sat and took it, thinking that time would be the last time. It never was.
Trying to buy myself a bit more time, I took a deep, steadying breath, starting completely off topic. "What did you and Auntie Alice do yesterday?"
Carlie's face lit up in excitement as she pulled away from my chest to look at me. "We spent all day at the zoo Momma! And…and I got to see the polar bears and the tigers and the penguins and guess what else!"
Her happiness radiated off her, giving me a small comfort in her child-like joy. "I don't know Carlie. What?"
"I got to touch a giraffe! He was so tall and he licked my hand. It was so slimy Momma," she squealed and laughed, waving her hand in my face as if it was still there.
"Aw baby, that's great!" I said, genuine excitement in my voice. '"Did you know that giraffes are my favorite animal? I always thought they were so very graceful despite their long legs. Just like you," I laughed as I attacked Carlie's bare knees with tickling fingers. She squealed and laughed, kicking her legs about and trying to tickle me back and adorably failing. If I could capture one moment, it would be this one. She was so completely carefree, simply acting her age in all it's beautiful and childish glory.
After more tickles and even more laughs, we both had to stop to catch our breath. The moments before had lightened the mood considerably, but I knew it wouldn't last. I still have a lot of explaining to do. So with a steadying breath and a heaviness settling back into my muscles, I tried to get somewhat back on track. "Did you see that Uncle Jazz and I brought all your toys and books home?"
Looking around the room, Carlie took in her now-full bookshelf and stuffed animals piled high in the corner. She eyed the new little desk that Jasper had even set up just for her to welcome her home, storing crayons and markers and more coloring books than one could ever imagine a child would need. I'd have to remember to thank Alice for that the next time I see her.
Carlie's eyes met mine again as she nodded, smiling shyly. Her right hand was drooped over my shoulder, her lithe fingers tangling in the hair at the base of my neck. It was a habit she picked up as an infant and has never given up, having always been a curious and tactile child. "Is this my old bed?" Nodding, I could feel the tension against my hair caught in Carlie's hold. I welcomed the sensation. "Good. I missed this one," she spoke softly, fingering the fabric squares of the well-worn quilt Renee had made her with her free hand.
We continued to sit there, all holds and love and gentle tugs in silence. My hands were running through her curls as Carlie's were combing through my own waves. I could tell in the tension of her little body that she knew something wasn't as it should be, especially as the silence moved on. My daughter was too damn perceptive for her own good sometimes, picking up on things that I wish would just fly over her young head.
With a deep breath burning hot in my lungs, I tried to push away the aching knots in my stomach to get this conversation over with. It was now or never—and never wasn't ever an option. "Carlie, I need to tell you something. And if you have any questions, you know that you can ask me anything, right?" The voice coming from me was surprisingly strong and confident, though the words were quiet, betraying the twisted torment of my insides.
Carlie was still tucked into my chest, her hand continually moving through my hair without pause. I felt her nod slowly against my shirt, staying uncharacteristically quiet. "Do you like it here baby?" I asked, changing where I was heading with this whole messed up speech of mine. Not that I could change much about our situation, but I felt I had to know if this was a place that Carlie felt safe and welcome.
She answered with a whispered 'yes' and a subtle nod that I would have probably missed if her head wasn't cradled against my chest. In return, I kissed the top of her head before resting my chin there and stealing myself for what was coming next.
Here goes nothing. "You asked the other day if Uncle Jasper and I were bringing Daddy's stuff back too when we went to pick up ours. And I told you no, that his things were staying in Chicago at the old house. Do you remember that?" I asked softly. Carlie nodded again, not offering up anything more, but that was all I needed to know. "That's because Daddy isn't going to be living with us anymore. He…Daddy made a bad choice, Carlie, and I had to make a difficult one too. That's why we came here."
Pausing, I didn't know where to go next. Carlie, however, saved me from that by asking, "What did Daddy do?" while hiding her face in the loose fabric of my shirt.
"Daddy…," I started, but paused trying to find the exact words a five-year-old could understand. I wasn't selling my daughter short in her ability to understand, but I couldn't exactly tell her the complete truth either. There were just things she didn't need to know just yet.
"Daddy hurt Momma. But Carlie, you have to know he's not all bad." Though choosing my words carefully, they sounded desperate and pleading even to my own ears. But Carlie had to know that her father wasn't all evil—just mostly—and no matter how much I wanted to tell her to hate him with every bone of her little body, I couldn't. James made horrible, painful choices that hurt me directly and Carlie in the long run, but I had to maintain that he gave me my little girl. No matter how much I hate it, his DNA runs through her just as much as mine. That, in and of itself, makes James hold some shred a good and worth in him to be part of a little girl so extraordinary. Though, that excuses nothing. "Baby, he just made some very bad choices and I had to do what I needed to for you and me to be okay. I only want what's best for you and coming here was just that. We just can't be with him anymore. Do you understand?"
This was the hardest part. I feel like I'm not making any sense. First I tell her that her father is a bad man that hurt me. Then I tell here that he's not all bad. Then I finish by telling her that despite the prior stated fact, James could no longer be in our lives. There is absolutely no sense to any of it, but it's the best way I could put it.
Carlie was quiet and motionless in my arms, but I gave her time. I felt that that was all I had left to give after the failure in explanation. This was a lot to digest. Even as an adult understanding the reasons and consequences of this mess, I would find it difficult to comprehend, let alone being five and living in a word of innocence and sunshine.
We sat there an immeasurable amount of time, each second weighing heavier than the last. The longer the silence stayed the more worried I became that this was too much too soon. Carlie just got settled in, and I mean completely settled in, less than two hours before when we came home from Jasper and Alice's, and here I was ripping her world apart again. I swear I fail as a mother, shattering everything my little girl knew.
When Carlie finally spoke, her voice was soft and muffled against the fabric of my shirt. "Are you okay Momma?" was all she asked, her little hand moving to trace patterns without reason against my chest. Yet, those simple words were all it took to bring about the silent tears, pouring out all the overpowering pain and regret and desperation I was holding so tightly to inside. Those simple words were a freedom, giving me hope that we would get through this.
Carlie was selfless in my eyes, worrying more about me than the fact that her life would, from here on out, resemble little of what she always knew. She completely disregarded the fact that I just told her that her Daddy would never be in our lives again as if I never had said it or as if James already no longer existed. I don't know if I would ever understand the way her mind works or how maturity could be housed inside such a tiny body, but I would forever love her for it.
"I am now baby. I am now…" because I was. Or at least I would be. We would both be fine.
So I just hugged her tighter to my body, trying to say everything I couldn't voice through touch instead as my tears slowed. Carlie was my everything and I would spend every moment making she was loved and safe. I allowed my fingers to twirl her curls, letting them spring back as I let go—a habit I picked up when Carlie was a toddler in order to comfort her, and myself through long, sleepless nights. In turn, she pressed her face more firmly against my chest, fisting her hand in my t-shirt to hold me close too.
Like all the silence before, this was maddening and comforting in the same breath. I wanted to scream away all the stress and memories and take every black cloud from Carlie's life. But I also wanted to hold this moment forever, with my little girl holding on to me as if she needs me just as much as I need her. My life was forever a contradiction. "Is that why you were so sad?" Carlie finally pulled herself away from my chest, looking directly up at me and breaking the quiet of the room. "You know, when we were staying with Auntie Alice and then at my lesson with Mr. Cullen?"
Carlie was entirely too observant, sometimes to a fault. I thought I had hid most of my emotional turmoil fairly well in front of her. The expression she wore watching me was contemplative and yet commanding with penetrating eyes that could convince a mute man to sing.
"Yes, I was sad and hurt by what Daddy did," I answered, figuring utter honesty would be best at this point.
With a small nod, she contemplated her next words carefully, the concentration evident against her features. "Are you going to be sad anymore?"
"I don't know Carlie. I'm going to try not to because I really am happy here. I'm happy here with you," I said, smiling and snuggling my face into her hair. "But sometimes things happen that make grown ups sad and upset, especially when they have to deal with grown up things. But that is something you don't need to worry your pretty little head over baby." Kissing her forehead, I looked down into her green eyes, cataloguing every fleck and slight shift of color.
Without missing a beat, she stated, "You were happy with Mr. Cullen at the park," so completely matter-of-factly it was as if she were telling someone the Earth was round or that grass was green. And in all brutal honesty, yes, yes I was.
So, did we all survive that? I hope so...
Like always, links and things for each chapter are on my profile. I also got bored and made a banner --- check it out if you want (same place as everything else).
Random note...I joined Twitter (rainsoakedhello). Come say hi! I'm still figuring it out, but I did make an awesome background for it!
I'm also looking for input on the next chapter. Any ideas for their date? I have my own, but I'm interested in what anyone else might think of...
