Published January 31, 2010

Deku Palace

"Mom, what the hell are you doing here?!" Ganondorf demanded as he backed away from the half awake Kotake.

"Don't yell so loud, I'm tired," Kotake mumbled before jerking upright. "Ganondorf? Why are you here?"

"I asked you first. Right before leaving I talked to you and you were still in the desert, but now you're suddenly in a potion shop in a completely different country! Something doesn't add up and I need to find out what."

"It's probably a six dear, you were always bad at math."

Ganondorf pulled on his hair in frustration. "Ugh... Don't take this the wrong way mom but I want you to smash your face off of the table right now."

"Isn't there only one way to take that?"

Tatl flew into the shop. "Ganondorf, Link's hurt out in the woods with this Koume person and needs help," she hastily explained. "Come quick before the turtles get him!"

Ganondorf's face warped into one of extreme confusion. "I'm going to just go and not ask questions."

-Night of the First Day, Woods of Mystery-

"That annoying fairy did say Ganondorf, right?" Koume asked Link from their prone position.

"Yup," he confirmed.

"Oh good, I haven't seen him in so long. I wonder if he's taken over Hyrule yet."

"Nope."

"Oh well, I guess that this old hag will just work at a boat office for a little while longer. Then once he takes over Hyrule I get to be royalty again! Eh heh heh heh heh!"

"How old are you?"

She set his head on fire, resulting in the Hylian jumping to his feet and screaming as the flames singed his hat. "How long have you been able to stand up?"

"A while, the ground was just really comfy. Well, it was until you set me on fire. That hurt." She was about to shoot more fire at him when Ganondorf, Tatl, and Kotake arrived through a bush.

Ganondorf saw Koume gazing up at him. "Hi mother," he grunted.

"That's no way to greet one of your two sibling mothers after two years! Now help me up!"

Instead of assisting her like ordered, he narrowed his eyes as his suspicions rose. "Two years? I was talking to you just three months ago."

"Did I say two years? I meant three months. You know how often I get things like that mixed up, eh heh heh heh heh..."

"Look Koume, it's Ganondorf!" Kotake exclaimed.

"Yes Kotake, I see that. Now somebody needs to help me!" Kotake gave Koume a red potion, restoring her strength. She then three the empty bottle to Link. He found it shiny.

They all left the Woods of Mystery, revealing Koume to be in charge of the boat that they had needed. "I thought your dream was to make a potion shop," Link said. "How do boats fit in? Are you trying to take over the world?"

"Um... no. The shop doesn't have as much income as we wanted so I got a job here, but with the swamp killing everything that goes in it not many people want to go on the boat cruise," Koume revealed. "That's why prices skyrocketed last Thursday."

"Do relatives get half price?" Ganondorf hesitantly asked his mother. Koume smacked him.

"I didn't raise you to be a cheapskate! You'll pay, and you'll pay full price!"

"Plus tip," Kotake added. "Isn't that right, Koume?"

"...Yes."

A few monkeys ran up to Link. "Me been watching you," the middle monkey said.

"Tatl, do most monkeys talk in Termina?" Link whispered to the fairy.

"No..."

"Lately, this swamp, filled with poison water," the monkey continued. "Temple above waterfall strange, brother go to temple. But brother no able to find entrance. Temple for Deku only."

"I'm a Deku!" Link exclaimed, putting on the Deku Mask. "Now I can find the temple!"

"It no work like that. Brother captured by Deku. Now in palace. Help brother!"

"Okay. But first..." Link held up the empty bottle, which was still shining from the millimetre of light coming from what remained of the sun. "I can never thank you enough for this gift!" he exclaimed.

"You haven't even thanked them once," Tatl told him.

The tiny bit of light went through the bottle, turning into a concentrated beam of light. It just happened to go right into the potion shop and hit the many potions, boiling them all to the point of a massive explosion, obliterating the whole hut. Flaming debris, shards of glass, and rupees landed all over the clearing.

Link didn't even notice.

-Night of the First Day, Boat cruise-

"So why are you coming with us again?"

"You blew up my house," Kotake reminded him. "You would have seen it if you stopped staring at that bottle for a few seconds, isn't that right Koume?"

"Yes," Koume grumbled as she rowed the boat through the swamp. The paddle would have dissolved if it wasn't for magic and whatnot.

A Big Octo sat in their way, blocking a tunnel that went straight to the Deku Palace. Link stood up. "Do not fear, I dealt with one of these on my last journey. I shall handle it!"

"Sit down," Koume ordered. "Watch." She continued rowing and rammed the boat into its eye, the Big Octo yelping before retreating into the poison. "Happens every time." She flinched as a light shot her in the eyes. "Put that down or it goes into the swamp!"

Ganondorf, lying on his side with an arm hoisting his head up, grinned as he looked at the results displayed in the Pictograph Box. The lazy Gerudo king chuckeld to himself. "You're not picture material, mother."

Kotake floated over on her broomstick. "Oh my god you're hideous Koume!"

"What? No I'm not, I'm beautiful!" Tatl cringed, choosing to stay silent. "You're just jealous that I kept my natural nose after growing old and wrinkly, unlike you."

"Oh there's no way that thing is natural Koume, no way! I've seen dolphins with more natural noses than you."

"Spare me your insults Kotake, they're as ugly as your huge, bulging eyes."

"My eyes aren't as ugly as that hairdo of yours. It's so 27th century, get with the times!"

It was sad to watch for most, but highly entertaining to the dumb and sadistic.

"That was a good one!" Link exclaimed after Kotake's insult.

"You have the same hairstyle!" Koume snapped.

"She's got you there!"

"Mine is complemented by the blue, and when it's all ice magic it looks good. Unlike yours, which is all fire and going everywhere. Did you even think when you did that?"

"Ouch, that one was like a slap in the face!"

"The main problem with your argument is that fire doesn't suck."

"A vicious comeback!"

"Is anyone watching where we're going?" Tatl whispered to Ganondorf.

"I doubt it," Ganondorf responded as he subtly rose into the air and away from their doomed vessel.

-8 pm of the First Day, Deku Palace-

"That was horrible," Link muttered as he squeezed some poisoned water from his hat. "I could have died!"

The completely unharmed Ganondorf scoffed at this."You think it was bad for you? I paid so much for that trip and ended up flying half of the trip anyway!"

The castle before them had just two floors, but to the metre tall Deku Scrubs it was a massive, grand structure. The front entrance didn't even have a door. Link hopped across the floating bridges to but just before entering the palace two surprisingly tall Scrubs burst from the ground. "Halt! This is the royal palace of the Deku Kingdom. It is no place for outsiders!" it announced.

"Wait, there's an entire Kingdom of Deku Scrubs?" Ganondorf asked. "Holy shit, you guys must be weak."

"We are one of the most feared empires in the land!" the other guard argued. "None dare stand against the might of the Deku!"

"Hey mother, do you feel like setting them on fire?"

"Not today, Ganondorf."

"But-"

"No buts young man! They are dirty and cracked down the middle!" The argument stopped and everyone just stared at Koume. "Well it's true!"

Tatl turned back to the guards. "Can we please come in?"

"Only Deku may enter the palace," the first Scrub announced in an official tone. "That is final!"

"Okay!" Link put on his Deku Mask. "Ta-da!"

"I- Uh- That's not fair!" the guard cried. "Do the regulations cover shapeshifters?"

"No," the other Deku said as it looked through a handbook. "The closest thing is Gorons with flowers on their heads."

"He transformed right in front of us, that proves he isn't a Deku though."

"I am so a Deku!" Link argued. "I can shoot bubbles!"

"He has a point."

"Fine. But only you may enter. Also, only go straight to the Royal Chamber. Do not enter any other areas under any circumstances, is that clear?"

"As clear as my shiny bottle."

Ganondorf leaned against the wall, getting comfortable. "I'm going to sleep for a bit, don't bother me."

Kotake smacked the back of his head. "You didn't brush your teeth!" she snapped. "Do so right now!"

"It's just a nap, I-"

"Listen to your mother," Koume interrupted.

"Fuck it, I'm going for a walk."

-Inside the Deku Palace-

"I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE, MONKEY!" the Deku King roared. "YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF ONE THOUSAND FLAMING SNAKES SODOMIZING YOU IF YOU DO NOT TELL ME WHERE MY DAUGHTER IS!"

"Sir, the one thousand flaming ass snakes don't come in for another week," a random Deku whispered to the king.

"WELL FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO STICK IN HIS ASS!"

"There are other ways to torture someone you know. We have that pot of boiling water, or if you want to mutilate him we have knives-"

"NO! SODOMY IS THE MOST HUMILIATING OF THE BUNCH! FIND ME THE THOSE NEEDLE PLANTS!"

"Cacti?"

"YES! FIND THEM NOW OR I WILL HAVE YOU FEEL THE WRATH OF THE DEKU GOD!"

"Tatl, what's sodomy?"

"You'll find out when you're older."

Link cautiously made his way across the throne room, going around the fire and approaching a random Deku. "So what's going on?"

"Rumour has it that the monkey ate the princess," the Deku said. "Isn't it frightful?"

"Shut up Steve, you started that rumour," another Deku yelled from near the monkey's cage.

The Deku Butler approached Link, giving him a small bow. "I'm sorry that you had to hear the king's rant," he said. "With the princess missing, he has been unable to keep his cool."

"No problem, I didn't get half of it anyway," Link said, waving the rant off.

The king seemed to still be screaming. "I WILL PULL OUT ALL OF YOUR HAIRS, ONE AT A TIME AND MAKE YOU EAT A STIR-FRY MADE OF THEM! THEN I'LL HAVE YOU SHIT THAT OUT AND EAT THAT!"

"I fear that the princess may be in some kind of trouble, just as the monkey claims. But in his current state, I can't get through to the king to convince him to send someone to look for her."

"Wait," Tatl interrupted. "So the king is fully focused on punishing the monkey and hasn't even sent anyone to look for the princess yet?"

"Our king is not very smart."

"I NEED SCISSORS! 61!"

Link and Tatl went to the cage, seeing the monkey tied to a pole inside of it. "He he, monkey!" Link giggled.

"Come to mock me as well, Deku Scrub?" the monkey defiantly asked. "I did not kidnap the princess, no matter how many times you say it it won't get her back! She'll be killed by a monster unless something is done!"

"And where do we find said monster?" Tatl asked the monkey.

"In the temple!"

"The temple is a shrine!" one of the Deku Scrubs behind Link argued. "There are no monsters there!"

Having learned enough information, the two left the Royal Chamber only to run into another monkey. "Was my brother alright?" it asked.

"You talk a lot more fluently than the last monkey," Tatl commented.

"Yes, he's a bit slow in the head. You saw the entrance to the cage, right?"

"No," Link answered.

"It was a big hole in the wall behind the monkey," Tatl said, punching him. "Look around next time!"

"We know a secret route to there," the monkey continued. "There's an entrance in the outer garden, but it's too high to reach normally. You need a bean from the bean seller who lives below the palace garden."

"How long have you been planning this out?" Tatl asked the monkey.

"A very long time. I have battle plans so we can storm the castle if you fail. I've even analyzed patrol routes and know how good the vision of every guard is. We have a flamethrower in case that fails too."

-10 pm, the Palace Gardens-

The Hylian Link poked his head around the corner, ducking back as a Deku Guard walked past him. "Stupid stealth missions."

"Who said that?!"

"It came from over there!"

"Charge!"

"Uh-oh."

Link was swarmed by the Scrubs, unable to see anything through the leaves. Suddenly he was thrown off of his feet and found himself at the castle's main entrance, the two Deku guards staring at him. He put the Deku Mask back on. "I told you not to go anywhere except the Royal Chamber!" the guard snapped.

"I'm sorry, I won't do it again..."

"Well, as long as you're sorry I suppose I can let you back in. Just listen to me this time!"

"Okay, thanks!" Link hobbled back into the palace, entering the garden again.

"You've let him back in eight times now," the other Deku said. "When are you finally going to stop him?"

"How about when you shut the hell up!"

Link tiptoed past the first Deku Scrub, waiting until the second had turned its back before running into the next area. From there he just did what he did in the Hyrule Castle sneaking mission: hum to himself while knocking out all the enemies from behind. The garden path eventually ended at a hole. "Have I had any bad experiences going down a hole?" Link asked the fairy.

"I don't know, you may have."

"Good enough." He jumped into the open pit.

Inside of the pit was a man sitting on a carpet, eating things out of a bag. "Ooooh, you're my first customer in a long time," he said, food flying out of his mouth. "I sell Magic Beans. If you plant them and water them they'll grow real fast, yes they will. Ten rupees per bean."

"Can I have a free sample?" Tatl asked him.

"Of course." She received a bean.

"Can my friend here have a free sample too?"

"I don't see why not." Link was given a bean.

"I have some friends who aren't here that would also like some free samples. Would you mind us giving them some?"

"Not at all." She was given four more free samples.

"Thanks!" The two quickly fled the underground cavern. When they emerged into the darkness they found all the Deku Scrubs lying on the ground with their necks snapped. A large man with a grey bodysuit and a bandana snuck out of the area. "Looks like we won't have any trouble leaving."

Link ran out of the garden, finding Koume and Kotake playing cards in front of the palace. "Go fish," Kotake said.

"Aren't we playing poker?" Kotake glared at her. "Kidding, kidding."

"I have the Magic Beans!" Link exclaimed, holding up one of the small green beans. "Now we can get int through the upper entrance."

"What are you talking about? You haven't told us anything since you first went in to see the monkey, isn't that right Koume?"

"Yes it is Kotake, yes it is."

"Oh, right. We're going to use the Magic Bean to fly to the garden's upper entrance and break into the monkey cage!" Link eagerly explained. "Where's Ganondorf?"

"He went out on a walk hours ago and never came back," Koume explained. "He's going to have a lot of explaining to do!"

-11:30 pm of the First Day, the Upper Entrance-

Link, Kotake, and Tatl looked at the path they had to follow to reach the monkey's cage, Koume having stayed behind to wait for Ganondorf. "So I have to jump between all of the moving platforms with my Deku hovering," Link summarized.

"The hovering ability that you aren't very good at," Tatl added.

"In the dark!" Kotake continued.

"Right." Deku Link burrowed into the first flower and flew toward the first platform. Suddenly, a Deku Nut flew through the air and exploded on Link, sending him crashing to the ground. He screamed, falling into an unattended part of the garden. "What just happened?"

A Mad Scrub laughed to itself as it hid in its flower again.

-2 am of the First Day, the Monkey Cage... technically it's the second day since it's after midnight, but the counter doesn't change until morning... whatever-

The Hylian Link fell to the floor, gasping for breath. "So... many nuts... There were nuts... everywhere..."

"Oh! How did you get in here?" the monkey quietly asked, excitement evident in his voice.

"I fell," Link groaned.

"Don't talk so loudly! If they see you in here they'll capture you too!"

"So this is the monkey we were sent to help, eh?" Kotake circled around the monkey on her broom.

"What? You were sent to help me?"

"Your brothers... I think," Tatl said. "One of them had me questioning whether-"

Link jumped, attempting to slash through the rope. The monkey pulled up its feet just in time to avoid having them cut off by his flailing sword. "Don't do that!" Kotake created a large blade of ice and slashed the pole in half midway up, causing the monkey to fall to the ground screaming. Luckily the Deku Scrubs all began cheering from something the king said, not noticing the loud slam. Link calmly cut the ropes. "You could have killed me!"

"Could have, could."

"I'll just move on. Do you by any chance have something that can make a lot of noise, like a loud instrument?" Link pulled out his ocarina. "That tiny thing will never do, it's too quiet. We need something loud to rescue the princess!"

Link put on his Deku Mask and took out the pipes. "I- What- You have Deku pipe now, just like the princess. Those will work great! Who are you anyway?" Link wobbled and fell over under the weight of the pipes. This somehow attracted the attention of the Deku King.

"THE MONKEY IS ESCAPING! I WANT THE PROFESSIONAL MONKEY CATCHERS IN THERE, RIGHT NOW!"

"It'll take a long time to explain, let's move on!" Tatl quickly answered.

"Good idea. Listen to this: I was trying to find out about the poison water to I went to the Woodfall Temple with the princess since you need Deku pipe to get in. Unfortunately there was a monster there and it captured the princess. No one else will believe me, so it's up to us to help her!" Link and the monkey ran into the cage's exit where the Deku couldn't get them. "Here's the song the princess taught me!" He quickly hummed the Sonata of Awakening. Link managed to get this song right in a record four minutes!

"Let's go!" Everyone fled the cage, going through the upper garden while dodging the bubbles sent at them from the Deku Scrubs below. They ran along the elevated path until it ended at the spot where Link came in. "Follow me!" Link jumped down, rolling on impact to avoid damage... only to find a swarm of Deku Scrubs waiting. "Back up, back up!"

The Deku Scrubs ran, the crowd engulfing everyone. When they left Link, Kotake, Tatl, and the monkey were each tied to a different pole in the middle of the Royal Chamber.

"How'd this happen?" Tatl questioned. No one answered.

"I can't believe that one of my own would try to free the monkey!" the Deku King growled. "OPEN THE HATCH AND CALL THE DEKU GOD FOR ITS DIVINE PUNISHMENT!" A Scrub grabbed a really long stick with a hook on the end and reached for the ceiling, catching on a handle and pulling part of the roof off. It fell down and smashed the Deku King's throne to pieces. "I'm glad I wasn't on that. Now Deku God, PUNISH THIS... GUY!"

Two large pincers reached in from above and a large being dropped from the sky, landing on the ruins of the throne. "Dammit, there's splinters everywhere!"

"Oh, hi Gohma," Link greeted. He paused. "Wait a minute..."