I don't own Bleach
Grandpa of Ichigo!Yamamoto
Ichigo: WTF!? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME!
Byakuya: Kurosaki-sama, would you mind marrying Rukia?
Ichigo: Eh? WHY!? AND SINCE WHEN DID YOU CALL ME –SAMA!?
Rukia: Ni-sama! You can't marry me off to Ichigo just like that!
Byakuya: Not now, Rukia, I'm trying to increase my political standing!
Yuzu: So I'm related to a pyromaniac old guy?
Karin: Even more proof that our lives are bullshit.
Kenpachi: Don't care, fight me!
Ikkaku: Then me!
Yumichika: The hell are you lookin' at!? Stay away from me you hideous mongrel!
Unohana: Uuuuuuuuum, everyone-
Uryu: *sigh* this explains so much.
Chad:…. So?
Orihime: Wow, Kurosaki-kun. You're related to a hot old person! (Orihime troll face)
Yhwach: Yama's certainly been busy while I was asleep. *sigh* How is it I'M still a virgin!?
Soi Fon: Wait, does thi mean I have to RESPECT this this this miscreant!
Unohana: Everyone-
Urahara: Maa, maa, aren't you special Kurosaki-san?
Isshin: Guys-
Yoruichi: Guess this means you're heir to the Gotei, Ichigo.
Masaki's ghost: People, please…
Aizen: Geez, where the f*** did THAT come from? I've watched this boy his whole life. You'd think I'd know!
Kyoraku: Yama-jii you've been keeping secrets from us, haven't you? Huhuhuhuhu
Ukitake: (whispering) Um, Shunsui I don't think Ichigo's eally-
Shunsui: I know just play along.
Everyone: Starts rattling off varying degrees of amusement, shock, and insanity.
Yamamoto: QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!
(Everyone is silent)
Yamamoto: Now, I have no idea who posted this ridiculous excuse for a family tree but I can assure you I am not in any way related to Ichigo Kurosaki.
Byakuya: (upset) Reaaaaaaaaaaally.
Unohana: Yes, Captain Kuchiki really. If the Head-Captain had children recently I'd know about it. He hasn't had any for over 2,000 years! It's been so long we have no idea where his descendants are. It's possible but very improbable that Kurosaki-kun is descended from him but, and I can't stress this enough, VERY unlikely. So, sorry Captain Kuchiki you cannot marry off your sister under the guise of political gain to Kurosaki because of some mysterious pretense that makes you think they're dating and your eternal mission to make her happy.
Rukia: Aaaaaaaaaaah, Nii-sama that' sweeeeeeeeeeet. But I'm not dating Ichigo. What on Earth could have made you think that?
Byakuya: Chapter 1.
Ichigo: Yeah, I like Rukia but never want to marry her!
Rukia: And why's that!?
Ichigo: Uh, uh, I- uh.
Rukia: You think I wouldn't make a good wife!? Is that it?
Ichigo: N-no I-
Byakuya: How dare you disrespect my sister.
Ichigo: N-no I wasn' oh, oh god. Oh dear God save meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (runs away)
Rukia: Dance, Sode no Shirayuki! Byakuya: Scatter, Senbonzakura.
(the entire Seireitei explodes in a flurry of Ice and cherry blossoms)
Yamamoto: *sigh* Even more proof my life is bullshit.
Gin: Wonder what kinda trouble I should cause next!
Sorry about not updating!
