Chapter Seven.
Cas didn't dream that night. Instead of the tossing and turning Cas had grown used to these past few months, Cas felt safe and warm throughout the night. He woke up to Dean's soft breathing against his forehead and tight arms wrapped around his middle, careful of his back. Cas leaned back enough to loosen Dean's arms so he could get a proper view of his face. Dean looked peaceful. Content. His freckles stood out more than normal in the morning light, pale skin almost glowing. His hair was all sleep rumpled and Cas wanted nothing more than to run his hand through it.
Even as an angel, Cas had loved watching Dean sleep, but this was different. As an angel, Cas loved it because Dean's soul was finally able to rest when he was unconscious. His hazardous thoughts and emotions could be put to rest and Dean would be calm and peaceful. Now as a human, Cas thought Dean was most beautiful like this. The only thing missing were his Emerald Green eyes.
Cas ran a hand softly up from where it was pressed against Dean's chest to cup Dean's face. Dean's lips were partly open, nothing abnormal about them, but Cas was so enraptured by them, he didn't notice when Dean's breathing pattern changed and his eyes slid open.
Cas leaned forward a tad, eyes wide and breath labored. He wanted to kiss Dean unlike any other time when the thought might have occurred. He got as close as a breath away and very lightly ran a finger over Dean's bottom lip. The shiver that ran through Dean intrigued Cas and he wanted his lips to be the cause of that. Cas barely touched his lips to Dean's, just a buzz of connection when he felt the wave of guilt over come him.
What was he doing!? Dean was asleep! What if he didn't want this!
Cas was paralyzed on the spot, not sure whether to proceed or to pull away.
He didn't get the option to choose though when suddenly the arms around him tightened and Cas's body was pulled against Dean's and Dean's lips closed the remaining space between them.
Cas squeaks but Dean only kisses him harder. His hands go underneath Cas's sweater and his jacket, pushing against his lower back, just below his wound. Cas grips Dean's shirt with both hands and gasps when Dean swipes a tongue across his bottom lip. Dean makes a noise that sends a jolt through Cas and his tongue pushes past Cas's lips, stealing Cas's breath away. Cas wants more and he isn't sure what it is though and lets Dean guide him.
Hands run up his sides, gripping Cas and rolling him onto his back. Dean gets on top of him. Knocking Cas's legs apart, Dean gets between them and presses his tongue to the roof of Cas's mouth, licking it slowly. Cas makes a noise he's never heard before and tries to do the same to Dean but Dean just chuckles and kisses him in a way that leaves Cas weak and breathless, eyes sliding shut and rolling towards the heavens.
Dean's hands run further up his sides and thumbs at Cas's nipples for a few seconds going back outside of his sweater to hold Cas's hands above his head like in the car. Castiel trembled beneath Dean, feeling nothing like this before. Dean slid his hands onto Cas's wrists and squeezed, sending a sharp pain down his arm. Cas gasped but Dean kept kissing him. He slid a knee against Cas's crotch, rubbing against him. Then suddenly the kissing stopped and Cas opened his eyes to find Dean staring at his arms. Without Cas noticing, his sleeves had been pushed down to expose the worst of Cas's scars over the months that he had made. Cas tried to push Dean off of him but Dean only sat up, yanking Castiel up as well by his hands.
"What the hell is this!? Is this what you were fucking hiding from me!?"
"Dean-"
"No! No Cas, you don't get to speak. After everything we went through, you think you have the right to do this to yourself?" Dean jumps off of Cas and starts tugging his boots on.
Cas sits up, tears in his eyes. "Dean I-"
"What did I say!?" Dean glares at him like he's disgusting. "And to think I kissed you just to find that out. Disgusting."
"You- You used m-"
Dean stood up, towering over Cas and smirked. "Used you? Well yeah. Why would I ever want to kiss you. You're pathetic and weak. Just a sad little broken angel."
Cas shook his head, tears now falling. "But Dean you said-"
Dean rolls his eys. "I was only saying that to get you stop crying like a baby. I thought that was obvious. I guess you were too wrapped up in your stupid little pity party." Cas tries to reach out for Dean but Dean slaps his hand away and grabs the coat off of him roughly. "No wonder the angel's kicked you out. I mean fist you trust Metatron and kick them all out, and now you're over here trying to kill yourself. Maybe you should die. Sure would make mine and Sammy's life easier."
Cas can hardly breathe. His head is pounding and his eyesight is becoming blurry. The ground feels like it's shaking as Dean shouts at him.
Dean smirks and leans forward, stealing one final kiss from Cas. "No one could ever love a Fallen Angel. If God didn't want you, why would I?"
Cas grabs his head and screams.
Opening his eyes, Castiel looks around frantically. He hears the shower on in the bathroom and Robert still sound asleep in the bed next to him. He's wrapped up in a blanket and still wearing Dean's jacket.
Was it all a dream?
Cas quietly gets out of the bed and cracks the bathroom door open. Yep, Dean is still here. He closes it and leans against the wall next to it, breathing deeply.
If it was all a dream, then Dean didn't see, then none of that happened, then Castiel still has some hope of Dean not hating him. This just proves that Dean should never find out. Which means Cas needs to lessen how often he does it. He slowly slides down the wall to sit on the ground, knees drawn up.
Cas felt his poisonous thoughts circle his head, going round and round, making Cas want to simultaneously run and hide and disappear forever. He clutches Dean's jacket tighter around him and grips his arms.
Suddenly the bathroom door is opening and Dean looks down at Cas, amused. "Well good morning. Why're you on the floor?"
Cas looks up at Dean, trying not to stare. Dean's dressed in some well worn Jeans, a form fitting black shirt, and a green buttonup with the sleeves rolled up. His necklace dangles around his neck and his hair drips water down his neck, making Cas's mouth go dry.
Castiel looks away.
"I had a nightmare…"
Dean sighs and sits down on the floor next to Cas, pulling him against his side. Cas pulls away from it, but lets Dean keep his hand on his waist. "What happened? Was the one you told me about last night?"
Cas shakes his head. "No… This one was different but… it felt so real…"
"Well what happened?"
Cas felt his ears go pink. "N-nothing major. I just- you said you wanted to know. So I told you. When I was still an angel, I didn't dream. Even the few times I did fall asleep, there was nothing." Cas looks at Dean. "Dean how do you tell reality from dreams. How do I know that this isn't just a dream?"
Dean looks thoughtful for a few minutes. "Hmm well I just imagine something ridiculous. And if it doesn't happen, then I know it's real."
"Ridiculous?" Castiel accompanies his question with his classic head tilt.
Dean laughs and ruffles his hair. "Hey like flying monkeys or something. Now come on, get dressed. I'm starved." Dean jumps up, stretching. He helps Cas up, holding onto Cas's hand a little longer than what was deemed normal. Cas grabs some clothes and heads for the bathroom.
Castiel stares into the mirror, breathing heavily. Just a couple. Just a couple of cuts. That's all he needs. But his angel blade is in the other room. Cas starts tearing into the cabinets looking for something he can use. He CANNOT spend an entire day with Dean when his head feels this heavy. Cas starts to fumble, wanting nothing more than to lay on the ground and cry when he sees it.
There. On the edge of the sink is the razor Dean must have used. Cas grabs and fiddles with it until it breaks open. Rolling up his sleeve with shaky hands, Cas immediately swipes it across his wrist. It makes a thinner line than what he's used to. But it'll have to do. He makes two more and his head begins to clear again. He focuses on the pain, sighing. He goes to make a fourth cut when there's a knock on the door, making Cas jump, accidently making the cut longer than he intended.
"Hey, you okay in there? I heard some stuff fall."
Cas shudders and takes some toilet paper, pressing it against the blood. "U-Uh yeah. I-I'm fine, Dean. I just tripped."
"Cas."
Cas sighs at Dean's stern tone. "Dean, I'm fine. I told you I just tripped."
"And I don't believe you. I told you, I can tell when you're lying."
Cas rolls his eyes and washes his arm off. He hides the razor blade in his jeans pocket and pulls on a long sleeve dark blue button up shirt. He puts Dean's jacket back on and opens the door. "I told you Dean, I'm fine."
Dean stares at Cas, looking him up and down. "Yeah okay, I believe you." Dean swallows and Cas tilts his head.
"Dean? What's wrong?"
Dean growls a bit but then shakes his head, clearing his throat. "N-Nothing. You just- you look good Cas."
Cas's cheeks turn slightly red but he ignores it and continues tying his boots.
He stands back up and walks over to Dean. "Would you like your coat back, Dean?"
Dean smirks and puts a hand on Cas's hip, making the latter shiver. "Nope. Looks better on you anyway, Angel." He follows the nickname with a wink.
It was going to be a long day.
