Okay, so here's my excuse for the lack of updates. I had strep throat for a week and a half. I had writer's block. School started. I was separated from my laptop for a few days when I was free. After that I don't really have an excuse, and I have been slacking terribly. There you have it. I can tell this is going to be a very long year…And just so you know this chapter I'm going to jump around a bit so it picks up its pace a little because I've dragged it out the Seattle thing too long. So this chapter starts off after Eclipse and the beginning somewhat of Breaking Dawn. And I am trying my hardest to expand my vocabulary

Fucking Cullens.

Fucking Edward and his mate.

Why do females always do the craziest things for a family? Vampires shouldn't have the urge to have a family. We were solitary, goddamn it. Most of us live our entire existences nomadic and alone. They're fine with it. A lot of us live our entire existences with only a mate. I would be fine with that. The rest live in covens. I presume they are happy also. I've even heard of some vampires that live with their actual biological family, because they were fortunate enough. But I have never heard of a coven of vampires so desperate for a child that they would create one.

And the dumbasses would have probably gotten away with it if some chick named Irina hadn't told on them.

Fucking Cullens.

I didn't want kids. I didn't think I would ever want kids. Never. And it might have something to do with Jane and Alec being such demons. Or that whenever I approached children they would run away screaming.

Fucking kids.

I hated everything right now. I already broke my mirror because my reflection annoyed me. I broke almost everything in my room. My dresser, my desk, my bed…

Fucking headache.

I knew I wasn't the only one in Volterra with a headache too. There were nine Cullens now, just including Bella and her "child". We were all grounded in Volterra and we had yet to pay them a visit. What was taking so long I had no freaking idea. So someone had to watch them and make sure they stayed where they were until they did. Nine vampires. I could barely even count that because of my headache, and he was pressured to find a way to track down the Cullen's shield along with the rest of them.

At times like this Aro relied on Demetri more than the rest of the guard. Without him, we would be blind. I would be blind. And Demetri had said that whenever he tried to find Bella, the most he could get out of it was a really nasty migraine.

My bedroom was getting stuffier by the minute, and I decided it was time to get some fresher air. As soon as my door flung open I was attacked by Heidi.

"Hello, Felix." She leaned against the door frame that could have been considered almost seductively. Her revealing clothes and tone of voice immediately made me aware. Heidi was very promiscuous with the guard.

"Heidi." I addressed her as formal and non-flirty as I could, however she didn't move and her smile never faltered.

"Now, what would a handsome guard like you be doing on such a lovely afternoon?" My mind screamed at me to leave, but I didn't want to be rude. After all, this woman kept us all fed.

"I was just leaving. Wow, it's the afternoon already? Well I better get going…" I spoke quickly and made a step forward. She simply put her other arm across the door opening, stopping me. I could feel her talent pulling at me, drawing me to her like she lured all those humans. It was something I could have fallen for if I hadn't slapped myself in the face and thought of Demetri.

"What's your hurry? I'm sure whatever it is," her voice became lower and even more seductive," it can wait." She edged her way closer to me and I took several steps back. She stepped into my room and slammed the door shut behind her. I didn't know what had gotten into her lately. For the last few weeks it seemed her only priority was sleeping with me. Every time it got harder and harder to reject her, and she became more and more persistent. I didn't want it to continue this way, and one of my solutions was just having sex with her and getting it done and over with. But I wasn't a cheater. It would kill Demetri. He would hate me. But then again, he didn't have to know…

No. I would not be unfaithful to him, no matter what the circumstances. Heidi stepped toward me and pulled down the straps on her dress. It slid down her body and dropped to the floor, exposing her entirely. Her lean body, her slight curves, long legs…An unintentional groan escaped my mouth and that was all the approval she needed to bring her lips to mine in a fierce kiss.

Half of me screamed to stop, reminding me why this was so wrong, and the other half was pushing me toward this, saying it would only be one time thing and she would finally leave me alone.

The next thing I knew she was tearing my clothes off, and when I finally snapped back to reality, we were already done. No. No, no, no…

She smiled at me before getting off and slipping her dress back on. She looked just as she had before, and I was thankful no one would notice. Before she opened the door, she looked back at me, still sitting in the chair feeling disgusted with myself.

"Bye, Felix." She winked and then slipped out of my room.

At that moment I couldn't have hated Heidi more, or myself. I just hoped he would never find out and it would pass, spare him the hurt, the grief…the betrayal. I had betrayed him in the worst way possible. I went to leave my room to go see him, but right now I couldn't. I couldn't see him smile at me; I couldn't see how much faith and trust he had in me. I didn't know I would ever be able to look at him again without having the horrible guilt pulling me down. I wanted to undo it all; tell Heidi off and deal with her suggestive nature a different way. She was only here so long at a time.

I needed a shower. Badly. But I couldn't bring myself to stand up.

I don't know how long I sat there, maybe a few hours. I didn't really care. I could very well sit there until someone came and dragged me away. If only I could do that.

Very slowly, I stood upright and looked around, as if dazed. I think I was. Everything happened so fast I could look back and say that never happened. I dragged myself to my bathroom and took a very hot, long shower.

I had just finished drying myself off when I heard a knock on the door. As fast as I could I got dressed and cautiously opened it. It was Alec, and he looked pissed.

"Yes?"

He immediately answered in a raging fit. "'Felix I have to talk to you," he growled and the anger in his voice intimidated me. I stepped aside so he could come in, which he did hastily. I don't think I had any idea why he was here, other than some horrible thing that happened he was blaming on me.

I didn't even completely shut the door before he full out yelled at me, but making sure no one could hear. "You pig! You selfish, self absorbed, pig! I can't believe you! What were you thinking?" His hissed his complaint and for a split second I thought he was talking about me and Heidi. He left his statement open-ended as if he expected me to answer him. When I didn't answer it only fueled his anger.

"You probably don't even know what I'm talking about!" His stare was directed at me and he sneered and rolled his head like he was going through some kind of teenage hormone. "Cheater," he yelled as he stabbed my chest with his finger. "You actually forgot that everyone here can hear for miles away, didn't you? Well, you couldn't be any louder!" Oh shit. I was so dead. Instantly my heart dropped.

"Does he—"

"Thankfully, no! He's so busy watching Carlisle he was probably zoned out. But there's no way it's going to stay a secret when everyone else knows. It's not even going to be suspected as rumors because a lot of people see you as the cheating type! Let me tell you something, Felix. He has to find out, and I'm not letting the rest of the guard tell him first! So do you want to tell him, or should I? And keep in mind that it might sound better if he hears it from you." I could only stare. When I didn't respond Alec only sighed.

"Look, he's a good fricking friend, and he doesn't deserve this. I really don't want to be the one to have to break the news to him. I only have experience comforting people throwing a tantrum, so I really have no idea how to even make him feel better—other than giving him ten bottles of wine and saying 'have at it'. Wait a minute…No! I'm not letting you choose! Right now! Go talk to him! Go on." He started hustling me out my door. I was speechless. When I was fully out he pointed in the direction to Demetri's room and shut the door in my face. Did he just kick me out of my own room? And then stay in it? I shook it off and did as he said. Would "I slept with Heidi" sound better than "I slept with someone else"? I didn't know if saying right away we had sex was a little too strong. Maybe just saying I was cheating, or I had cheated. I had cheated. But that might make it seem like it was a continuous thing. I was closing in on his room, and it seemed the more I repeated what I was going to say, the easier it felt like it was going to be. I thought I might actually be able to say it without turning into a messy puddle.

This was all too sudden. A few hours ago everything was perfect. I knew there were some imperfect things about our relationship, but I felt it was. He had never told me he loved me, although I had told him countless times, and we had only shared very quick kisses. Sometimes it felt like it wasn't enough, especially never being able to touch him intimately, but it was perfect and I hadn't asked for more. Now he was going to think us not being fully mated drove me to someone else. Now he would think he wasn't good enough.

I stopped in front of his door and all the motivation I had built up to do this washed away. Alec was right; I was a pig. I had heard countless stories about men cheating and only feeling sorry for their selves when they were caught, except I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, but for who it would hurt the most. I couldn't knock on his door, I just couldn't do it. As if he heard my thoughts, the door opened and revealed him. His expression first read confused, probably to why I was here, and then the corners of his mouth turned up in a small smile. "Hi." I would have smiled also if the circumstances I was visiting under were different.

He gestured for me to come in, plopped down on his bed and patted the spot next to him. He seemed happy to see me, and it just made things a million times harder. I was hesitant to sit next to him, but decided to act normal at least for a few more minutes. Just like all the other times I was close to him; it was all I could think about. He was sitting next to me, cross-legged, smiling, beautiful, I could smell him, even taste him on my tongue every time I breathed in, my arm almost touching his, so close.

I knew he would be fine just sitting in silence for hours; we had done that before. He just enjoyed my company. He must have sensed the tension, because he asked me what was wrong. I couldn't tell him right away, that would just make everything I said after it seem fake. I had to make him feel like I truly loved him.

"I love you."

"I know." His slight humor lightened the mood, only a bit.

"No, I mean I love you. I need you…with me. You have to understand that. Please. I know you might not, but you have to know that I'm unconditionally in love with you, Demetri, and I would never intentionally hurt you."

"Thank you." I gritted my teeth.

"I'm serious." His smile flattened out into a serious face, and it looked like he was mocking me. He set his hand on my arm and brought his face to mine in a chaste kiss. It lasted longer than I thought it would, but ended sooner than I hoped.

He didn't pull back completely and left his face within a few inches of mine. "What's wrong," he repeated. "You sound like you're about to tell me something bad."

I didn't answer. "Felix." I could feel myself falling apart, and a huge lump formed in the back of my throat. I touched his forehead with mine and cupped the side of his face. He closed his eyes and waited patiently.

I swallowed and pulled myself together as much as I could. "You are so beautiful, and perfect, and amazing." That part came out easily. "I don't deserve you." That part was a little harder to say.

"I could say the same thing to you," he breathed.

"But there's a good reason why you should have better." I could feel the lump coming back as the words I wished I didn't have to say slipped out. "I was with someone else." I said it so softly I wasn't sure if he heard me when nothing happened.

I felt him stiffen beneath me and his eyes flashed open. "What?" His question was rhetorical. "Are you serious?" His voice cracked and weighed a ton with hurt, betrayal, and disbelief. When I didn't answer he stared into my eyes. I felt my dead, granite hard heart shatter like glass.

That was a long chapter! For me, at least. What do you think of the sudden turn in the story? Sorry I had to leave you hanging like this but it's getting late and I can't keep writing. Review:D