Chapter 7
An offer you can refuse
"Falcon, we need to talk." I said.
"Stay in character… After the show." He said
There was no point in arguing with this idiot, so I decided to finish up the stupid story. I sighed, grabbed the script from the floor, and continued.
"Oh no, I have gotten Falcon Punch. I am defeated. I loose again. But I will get you next time, Captain Falcon, next time."
"Ha ha!" said Falcon. " I have defeated my rival! And I have saved the beautiful and succulent Princess Peach."
"Oh, my hero!" said Gannondorf. He smiled and said," Now we can go home and make sweet love like usual."
"THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT!" I yelled.
He laughed at me, and spun around in midair. I guessed it was his way of telling me it was a joke. Falcon on the other hand, had a different view.
"By the Period of Poseidon! I should add that to the script!" he said.
"You'd better not!" I said.
"Say in ch- Oh wait, we're done!" He said. The kids started cheering. He smiled and said," And remember kids, the moral of today's story is: Always look both ways before crossing the path of an intergalactic war zone."
How he got that moral was anybody's guess. I was just glad the show was ending. He said a few words before the end, and then wrapped things up with the Official Captain Falcon Saying: To uphold truth and justice. To bring peace and prosperity to the galaxy. To sell out to large corporations and advertise in commercials.
He and the kids saluted, then the camera shut off. The kids in the audience came running down to see Falcon, but security held them off.
"Ha ha!" laughed Falcon. "I'm sorry kids, no autographs today. I have some urgent business with my new girlf- err, I mean friend Peach."
"Aaw." Said some of the kids.
"No worries! Jacob will sign autographs!" he said.
"Aaw." they said again.
"Humph," said Johnson as he shook his head. " No respect."
"And I will sign autographs AS WELL!" yelled Gannondorf, scarring the kids again.
What kid could resist the charms of a psycho in a pink dress? The kids reluctantly took Gannondorf's autograph.
Falcon offered his arm to me again, which I refused and walked backstage without him.
"Come on, we'll talk in my room." He said.
I raised an eyebrow as I wondered if it really was private at all. I went inside, and took off the vest I had on. As soon as I stepped in the middle of the room, he closed and locked the door.
"Hey! What are you doing?" I said
"Just for safety, babe." He said
"What?" I said
"You know, so nobody will disturb." He said
I just looked at him and said," Look, all I wanted to do was ask you a favor."
"Sure sure, anything." He said smiling.
"I need for you to take me away from here. Fast."
"Oh? Moving quickly I see. How kinky. Don't worry, I had planned out a nice little spot anyway." He said as he walked over to his stereo. He then put on some corny romantic music.
"What are you talking about? And what are you doing?" I said.
"Oh Pear, you don't have to play hard to get." He said still smiling.
"I'm serious, I don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't be silly." He said. He approached me and put a hand on my shoulder and said." I got all the signs from you. I know what you want. And don't worry, we'll go out on that date just like you wanted."
My mouth dropped open, and I shoved his hand off.
"A DATE?" I said. "I never… I didn't say I wanted a date!"
"Really now?" he said.
"No! I never wanted a date with you!" I said.
"Oh…" he said. He thought for a moment, and then smiled even more. " Now I get it. You wanna just skip the date, and head straight for sex eh?"
"NO!" I yelled. "You must be a complete idiot to think that."
"Not really," he said. "My father was a complete idiot… I only wish I were that good. Me? I'm just a half-wit."
I opened my mouth to say something, but stopped because there was nothing else to say about that. Instead he said," So… You wanna get bathed first, or should we start now?"
"How about NEVER?" I said angrily.
He thought for a moment and said," I'm not getting you. I'm not getting this 'never' concept… does that mean you want to now or later?"
I was getting seriously pissed at him now. "Never means, NO! I wouldn't ever have sex with you. Never EVER!"
"What's your point?" he said
I closed my eyes and shook my fists.
"Look you piece of crap!" I yelled. "Never means no! No means I will not have sex with you! No! No! No!"
"Wait a minute," he said quietly. "So what you're trying to say is you don't want to do it with me now? Well how about after you take a bath first? Or maybe after our date?"
"NO!" I yelled again.
"Not later? Then how about now?" he said with a smile.
That was it. I slapped that stupid smile right off his face and onto the floor. I was still breathing hard from anger, and he slowly started getting up. I raised my hand to slap him again, but he put his hands up.
"Wait! Wait!" he said. "Ok I'm sorry! I get it now, no sex at all."
"Humph." I said. "Now, will you help me or not?!"
"All right, I will… You want to leave?"
"Yes. I need a ride as soon as I can. And as quietly as possible. Zelda and her goons are after me. Gannondorf will stay and take care of them for me. You just need to take me somewhere for a while." I said
"Fine, sounds like a superb plan!" he said, faking a smile. "Only one problem though."
"What now?" I said
"I seemed to have dropped my car keys somewhere, help me find them." He said while searching the floor.
"Fine," I said as I started to search the floor.
"Check under the sofa," he said. "I'll lift."
I bent down to check, but instead he stood right next to me, bent over and I felt something happen on my back. I stood up, and my eyes widened.
"What did you do?" I asked him.
"Nothing!" he said. He was very unconvincing.
I felt on my back, then noticed something was missing. I gasped and said," Give it back!"
"Give what back?" he said trying not to smile.
"You know damn well what! I don't know how you did it, but you'd better give me back my bra or else!" I yelled angrily at him.
"Your bra is missing?" he said as he looked at my chest through the white tee shirt. "Ha! So it is!"
"Give it back NOW!" I yelled as I covered myself.
"Geeze Plum, I don't know what you mean, honestly." He said, finally cracking a smile.
This guy really knew how to piss me off. I was so angry, I grabbed his hand, pulled, and tripped him onto his stomach. I quickly grabbed 1 of his legs and pulled it back as hard as I could.
"Ow! Ow ow ow ow!" he started yelling and tapping on the floor. "Ok Ok! OW! I give- OW- up!"
I let go, and said," Now give it back."
He was nursing his leg with one arm, and handed my bra over with the other hand. It was cut in just the right spots so that I couldn't use it again.
"How the hell did you do that?" I said
"I'm the quickest guy you'll ever meet babe." He said, still nursing the leg.
"You…" I said, but I couldn't find the right words. I was extremely angry with him. I wanted to hit him again, but instead I said," You PERVERTED @$$HOLE!"
He looked up at me and said," What?"
I start pointing and yelling in his face as I say," You have to be the most horrible person I've ever met! How dare you treat me like this! You don't have any respect towards women at all! All you can think about is SEX! You're nothing but a filthy, degrading, immature, idiotic, ego maniac!"
He stared at me, and we stood there in a moment of awkward silence. Suddenly, he broke down and started crying.
"It's true!" he wined. "It's all true. I'm nothing but an oversexed pervert!"
I opened my mouth to say something, but he interrupted me.
"Oh Kiwi!" he said. "I am SO SORRY! It's just that… I thought you'd be more like Daisy!"
"Well, I'm not!" I said.
"Strawberry?" he said
"PEACH!" I said
"Whatever." He said. "I really mean it. I'm sorry!"
He crawled over to me, I started to back off, but he grabbed me and hugged me from the side. I couldn't do anything because he pinned my arms to my sides as he hugged me in a tight grip.
"Please, I'm so sorry. I'm nothing. I'm worthless. I… I can't help it, I'm a complete looser." He said
This was really uncomfortable, since I couldn't move my arms. Then he did something that was totally perverted. He used his right arm to pin my arms from the back, and using his left arm, put it around my front. I almost thought he was trying to hug around my shoulders, but instead, he moved his hand to grab my breast. He continued to talk as my mouth opened in shock.
"And I promise, I'll never ever bother you again. You're right, I should treat you with more respect. I think you're such a good person, and I'm such a looser."
He stopped talking and then squeezed it. He looked up at me and said," Hey! Did you know, you and Daisy are both A-cups?"
I was so angry, I started struggling and kicking as hard as I could. He let go when I almost kicked his stomach.
"I was just letting you know." He said
I didn't say anything. Instead I saw his legs open, then kicked him right in the balls as hard as I could. In Sheik's video, I learned how to do the split kick, so not only did I kick him, I followed through and kicked all the way to the ceiling.
"OOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!" he yelled as I left him hanging on my foot for a second, then let him drop. I could literally see stars in his eyes, and he curled up into a tiny ball grabbing his crotch. I decided to go and grab the heaviest trophy in that trophy rack. I went back and looked like I was going to hit his face with it. He covered his face, and instead I threw it at his balls. He yelled again, and I pointed at him again and said," Pervert."
All of a sudden, Sparky came flying through a big picture of Captain Falcon. He looked and said," Yea! He deserved that! After he was touching you like that."
"How did you know-" I said.
"Look." He said. "Behind that picture is a peep-hole. I think he put it there. The entrance was a bit hidden, but I found it."
"I KNEW IT!" I said. "This pervert was watching me undress!"
"Uh oh." He said.
"Get me outta here! NOW!" I said.
"Sure… make a wish now."
"I wish I could get out of here! I don't care where I go, just get me outta here!" I said.
There was his flash of light again, and instantly I was teleported somewhere.
I looked around, and saw a bunch of black military looking crates. It looked like I was in a storage area of some kind. But there was the smell of cigarettes coming from somewhere. Then I heard voices.
"What was that?" said a voice.
I heard footsteps coming towards me.
"Who's there?" said the voice.
I ducked down, and hoped he didn't see me. Then another voice spoke," Hey! Forget about it!"
The first person went back to where he came, and they began to talk again.
"So who we watin' for?" said another voice.
"We're waitin' for the boss. He's still finishing his Linguini." Said a third voice.
I recognized that voice though. It was Watoad. I don't know what he was doing, or where we were, but I was sure he was up to no good.
"Didja hear about that shakedown last week?" said Watoad.
"Yea, I heard you were one hellova good arm breaker."
"True, True," said Watoad. "They think just cause' I'm little, I'm easy to throw around. But you should see their faces when I rip em apart."
"Like a friggin' deer in the headlights!" said the first voice, and they laughed.
"Hey, Watoad!" said the first voice again. It was then I realized who that voice was: Waluigi. "What's all this I hears about you poisoning the princess?"
"Na, nothin' like that. Unfortunately, I only drugged her. I wish it was poison though. Stupid bitch. Na, if I'd have used poison, they would have tracked it to me. So far, she's out of the way, so our plan should go smoother since most of the security's gone lookin' for er'."
"Damn good job." Said the second voice. "I'm sure the boss'll appreciate it."
So, it was drugs. It was definitely in the pizza, because the mushrooms tasted strange. And they were also plotting more against me. It isn't usually like me to jump to conclusions, but if I didn't know any better then, I'd say this was some sort of organized crime.
"So what about the game last night?" said Waluigi.
One of them was about to talk, when suddenly I heard the door open. There was a lot of footsteps and a lot of talking. I decided to brave it and take a peek.
As I looked out, I saw a large table surrounded by a bunch of people wearing nice tuxedos. On the table was cards, poker chips, guns, beer, and used ash trays with smoke still coming out. I quickly hid again as someone looked my way. Someone spoke.
"Welcome gentlemen." Said a voice. "I hope-a the food was enjoyable. Consider it a compliment of the Wa's. As you know, the Wa's have, and always-a will be, the biggest reining family in all the Nintendo land. But there has-a always been one thorn in our side for our entire career. I think you all-a, know, her. She's Princess Peach."
I heard grumbling and mumbling between the men. I couldn't help but be a little more nervous knowing that they all in there hated me. I then guessed who the speaker was. I took a peek again and saw, huge as always, Wario.
He continued to speak," To get down-a to it, you all come-a from respectable families. Like you Don Alex. You come from a place-a called River city right?"
"Yea." Said Alex. "My game was 'River City Ransom'. I was so cool back in the day. Until that no good b**ch fired me."
"Exactly," said Wario. "And you, Don Jason? What-a game did you have-a before you were-a fired?"
"We were the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers." Said Jason. "Stupid wh*re, firing us like that. I mean we're still cool, right?!"
"Err… right." Said Wario halfheartedly. "And who could forget… Donatello?"
"That's right dude!" said Donatello. "Everyone loved the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'! We're all so pissed off still."
It all was coming together now. Families, shakedown, the slang, the cheesy Italian accents. These guys were the mafia. And he brought all the 'Dons' from around Nintendo land together here in this place. All these people I fired a long time ago, and apparently they formed their own mafia.
["Wait a sec." said Conker. "What do you mean by fired?"]
* * *
Peach giggled a bit and said," I do a lot more than you know I do."
"Like what?" he said
"For example, you ever wonder why you haven't seen a 'River city Ransom?' or even a 'Ninja Turtles' game? Well the nice people at Nintendo Video games HQ made me their contractor. Or even their decision maker. I decide what stays and goes. Characters come to me for contracts, advice, and sequels. Hey, it's not like I make the games, I decide based on popular vote who stays and goes. Fortunately, I fired a lot of people before the dunderheads actually write the scripts."
"Oh, I see." Said Conker. "You give them contracts to work games. Funny, I never saw you there at the HQ."
"I work at home." She said. "I don't go there usually, I take lots of e- mail though. Did you talk to the assistant contractor when you had your games made?"
"You mean Samus right?"
"Yea, she takes most of the e-mail before it reaches me. She's been awful busy with the latest games recently. I'm proud of her though, she still makes time to complete her own game after a such a long time."
"Humm," said Conker. He then smiled mischievously and said," Hey what about those really crappy games that come out? You know what I'm talking about. Blast Corps, Yoshi's story 2, etcetera, etcetera."
"Hey, hey hey!" she said with an annoyed look on her. "Like I said, I don't make the games, and don't write the scripts, I'm in charge of hiring and firing! Believe me, the guys in Blast Corps were promoted to janitors, and Yoshi's too much of an icon to fire. But the scriptwriters were put to shame."
Conker laughed a bit and said," I was only joking. Geeze."
She smirked and said," Yea yea. You can't talk Mr. 'Diddy Kong's Racing'."
"Aaaw come on now," he said with a playful smile. "That was a low blow Peach."
She stuck out her tongue at him and they both laughed a bit. He then said, "You're pretty important then?"
"Yea, I'm the most loved and hated person and everyone in Nintendo doesn't know it. The ones that did know it, hate me. But we'll get back to that later, let's continue."
* * *
"So," said Wario. "It seems-a to me that we're all in agreement that she needs to be taken-a care of. What I'm askin' is-a for your support. Men, guns, ammo is what I'm askin for. You keep-a the castle guards at bay, and we makes our way inside and gets-a the dirty bi**ch. We would do it ourselves, but seein as she-a found our bank accounts and closed em, we are currently on-a shortage of-a funds."
It was true. My toads are sneaky little fellows. They found the mob's account and we closed it. What he doesn't know is that we donated his money to charity. The children thank you Don Wario.
"So, what do we get out of it?" said Jason.
"She has a vault on the basement, the treasury is yours to rob." Said Waluigi
They smiled as they laughed. Alex then spoke again," So what do you get out of all of this?"
"Our business has to do with-a the Princess herself. We need her and-a nothing more." Said Wario.
They were happy to oblige, and I heard the Don's say," Agreed."
They all shook hands, and Wario said," Now come. I want-a to show you my billiard room."
They all left the room, and only Watoad and Waluigi were still there, laughing.
"Suckers," said Waluigi. "They're going for the treasury, while we make a break for the BIG dough!"
"Yea!" said Watoad. "The BIG dough! But eh… what about the security?"
"Forget about it!" said Waluigi. "We'll have the princess right? We only need a couple of er' body parts to make it through."
They both laughed evilly as he said that, and they left the room. I was a bit worried on the fact that they knew about the hidden vault.
["Hidden vault?" said Conker]
Yes, a hidden vault in my castle. For security reasons, we have a secret back-door entrance to the first International Nintendo bank. It can only be opened with my password, my face print ID, my handprint ID, and breath sample. Same goes for my father as well, but we'll keep that between us, Ok? Inside the tunnel though, is an unimaginable amount of security though. If you think Zelda's castle has high-tech security, well you've never seen what's inside that (minus the stupid vine trick). The only way I can figure they found out about this is because of Watoad. He used to try so hard to get the job inside the vault, but I always refused because of his lack of competence.
I had to think of a way to stop them. But it was only me. I couldn't take on the mob myself. Especially not I'm a prime target at the moment. No, I needed help; I needed a way to take on the mob. I knew exactly what to do.
"Sparky!" I said.
He popped out shaking," S-Scary. PEACH! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO-"
"Shhhhhh!" I interrupted him. "Not so loud. And don't panic, you gotta learn to keep your cool."
"But, I have trouble sometimes." He said
"You gotta try still! I'm going to be counting on you! Will you help me or not?" I said
"Yes, I'll help. I'll try and keep my cool." He said
"That's the spirit," I said with a smile. " Now, I need a wish… I need to get out of here."
"Umm… there's a problem with that." He said.
"What now?" I said.
"I can't grant the same wish more than twice without a slight grace period, so you'll have to wait a couple of hours. Maybe even a day." He said, lowering his head.
"What?! But I haven't got a couple of hours, or a day!"
"I know I know… you'll have to think of something else."
I thought about it, and said," Ok how about this… I wish for the power to take on the Mafia."
"OK!" he said. He shined, and sparkled again. He made a small flash, and it looked as though nothing happened.
"Well?" I said.
"I don't know… I'm pretty sure something happened. I don't know what though. Try it again, I promise I'll do it!"
"All right. I wish for the power to take on the mafia."
Again, he sparkled and flashed, but instead a vortex opened up, similar to the one Gannondorf came out of. A man stepped out wearing a dark long coat, a colorful undershirt, jean pants, very short cut hair, toting two inagrams in his hands, and had a half smirk and half angry expression on his face. He wasn't facing backwards this time though. We both stood there in awkward silence. I was the one to break the silence.
"Uhh… Hi?" I said. Not the most articulate thing to say.
"Hello." He said back, in a deep voice.
"My name's Peach. What's yours?" I said.
"Payne," he said. "Max Payne."
I thought for a second, and then recognized the name.
"Whoa! Max Payne? 'The' Max Payne himself? The man who took on the mob single-handedly? The man who escaped the cops to avenge his wife and daughter's death?"
"Humph. Nothing I'm completely proud of. Just correcting an injustice." He said.
"Oh, yea." I said. "I'm sorry to hear that. I really am."
"Don't worry about it. Most of the pain is gone now. Still, the pain is there, and it won't ever go away."
"I hear ya." I said. "When I was young, I lost my favorite teddy bear. I later found out that little Zelda took it and sacrificed it to her supposed 'Goddesses'. Geeze, you'd think that Polytheism died out a long time ago, but some people can be so stubborn."
Obviously he wasn't interested in that, so instead he put his weapons away, and asked," So, how did I get here?"
I explained about Sparky, and then explained about my current situation with the mob in the other room. He probably thought I was either crazy, or full of it. But he did believe the part about the Mob outside. Max reached in his coat and pulled out his dual inagrams.
"Looks as though you can Bullet-Time, and Shoot/Dodge-Time. You just need a weapon now." He said.
I didn't understand a word he said," I can what?"
"Bullet-Time and Shoot/Dodge-Time," he said. "Like me. I don't know how you got it, but it will save your life."
Sparky popped out of my pocket and said," That must have been what I did! I gave you Bullet-Time, and Shut-Up Time!"
"Shoot-Dodge." Corrected Max.
"Oh, Shoot-Dodge. Humm… Hey! You know what! You need something else too! Some new clothes! I got just the thing too!"
"Ok, fine." I said as I thought about the crappy outfit I was wearing now. "I wish for a cool outfit."
There was the flash, and instantly I was wearing some new clothes. I had a black long jacket like Max's, a dark green vest underneath, a dark blue tee shirt underneath, and a cool pair of oval shades in the pocket. I put on the oval shades, and smiled. The coat felt heavy, and I reached inside and found duel inagrams, a magnum revolver, and duel Berettas.
"And there's a surprise for you in the pocket!" said Sparky.
I looked, and found a pink bandana.
"What's this for?" I asked
"Infinite ammo, silly!" he said.
"Oh…" I said, looking perplexed. How or why a bandana could give you infinite ammo is still a mystery to me even today.
Max was looking pretty puzzled himself; I bet he believed me now. He shook his head and said," Ready? Why don't you give that Bullet-Time a try?"
"Ok, but I don't see how I'm going to-" I was interrupted by something strange happening. Everything around me was moving in slow motion. Yet, I was still totally aware of what was happening. It stopped and Max said," So? Did it happen?"
"Yea! That was weird!" I said
"It is, but if you get it right, you can surprise your enemy and take the first shots. Now try Shoot-Dodge. Take an evasive dive in any direction and aim your weapon anywhere. Like this." He said as he jumped backwards, landing gracefully on his back, and flipping up.
"Now you try," he said.
"Ok." I said.
I jumped backwards, and again, everything slowed down for me. This time though, I was able to move my body in any direction as quickly as I needed. This was indeed very helpful. I landed on my back, and flipped up like he did. I was pretty good at this, thanks to Sheik's videos.
"Nice, very nice." He said. "Now the trick is applying it. And we've got no choice but to try it out on a few people here. Are you ready?"
I had butterflies in my stomach, and I felt it moving up my throat. I was cornered, and had no other way out. Who knows what my chances of survival were, but it's a chance I had to take. I said calmly," Let's go."
An offer you can refuse
"Falcon, we need to talk." I said.
"Stay in character… After the show." He said
There was no point in arguing with this idiot, so I decided to finish up the stupid story. I sighed, grabbed the script from the floor, and continued.
"Oh no, I have gotten Falcon Punch. I am defeated. I loose again. But I will get you next time, Captain Falcon, next time."
"Ha ha!" said Falcon. " I have defeated my rival! And I have saved the beautiful and succulent Princess Peach."
"Oh, my hero!" said Gannondorf. He smiled and said," Now we can go home and make sweet love like usual."
"THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT!" I yelled.
He laughed at me, and spun around in midair. I guessed it was his way of telling me it was a joke. Falcon on the other hand, had a different view.
"By the Period of Poseidon! I should add that to the script!" he said.
"You'd better not!" I said.
"Say in ch- Oh wait, we're done!" He said. The kids started cheering. He smiled and said," And remember kids, the moral of today's story is: Always look both ways before crossing the path of an intergalactic war zone."
How he got that moral was anybody's guess. I was just glad the show was ending. He said a few words before the end, and then wrapped things up with the Official Captain Falcon Saying: To uphold truth and justice. To bring peace and prosperity to the galaxy. To sell out to large corporations and advertise in commercials.
He and the kids saluted, then the camera shut off. The kids in the audience came running down to see Falcon, but security held them off.
"Ha ha!" laughed Falcon. "I'm sorry kids, no autographs today. I have some urgent business with my new girlf- err, I mean friend Peach."
"Aaw." Said some of the kids.
"No worries! Jacob will sign autographs!" he said.
"Aaw." they said again.
"Humph," said Johnson as he shook his head. " No respect."
"And I will sign autographs AS WELL!" yelled Gannondorf, scarring the kids again.
What kid could resist the charms of a psycho in a pink dress? The kids reluctantly took Gannondorf's autograph.
Falcon offered his arm to me again, which I refused and walked backstage without him.
"Come on, we'll talk in my room." He said.
I raised an eyebrow as I wondered if it really was private at all. I went inside, and took off the vest I had on. As soon as I stepped in the middle of the room, he closed and locked the door.
"Hey! What are you doing?" I said
"Just for safety, babe." He said
"What?" I said
"You know, so nobody will disturb." He said
I just looked at him and said," Look, all I wanted to do was ask you a favor."
"Sure sure, anything." He said smiling.
"I need for you to take me away from here. Fast."
"Oh? Moving quickly I see. How kinky. Don't worry, I had planned out a nice little spot anyway." He said as he walked over to his stereo. He then put on some corny romantic music.
"What are you talking about? And what are you doing?" I said.
"Oh Pear, you don't have to play hard to get." He said still smiling.
"I'm serious, I don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't be silly." He said. He approached me and put a hand on my shoulder and said." I got all the signs from you. I know what you want. And don't worry, we'll go out on that date just like you wanted."
My mouth dropped open, and I shoved his hand off.
"A DATE?" I said. "I never… I didn't say I wanted a date!"
"Really now?" he said.
"No! I never wanted a date with you!" I said.
"Oh…" he said. He thought for a moment, and then smiled even more. " Now I get it. You wanna just skip the date, and head straight for sex eh?"
"NO!" I yelled. "You must be a complete idiot to think that."
"Not really," he said. "My father was a complete idiot… I only wish I were that good. Me? I'm just a half-wit."
I opened my mouth to say something, but stopped because there was nothing else to say about that. Instead he said," So… You wanna get bathed first, or should we start now?"
"How about NEVER?" I said angrily.
He thought for a moment and said," I'm not getting you. I'm not getting this 'never' concept… does that mean you want to now or later?"
I was getting seriously pissed at him now. "Never means, NO! I wouldn't ever have sex with you. Never EVER!"
"What's your point?" he said
I closed my eyes and shook my fists.
"Look you piece of crap!" I yelled. "Never means no! No means I will not have sex with you! No! No! No!"
"Wait a minute," he said quietly. "So what you're trying to say is you don't want to do it with me now? Well how about after you take a bath first? Or maybe after our date?"
"NO!" I yelled again.
"Not later? Then how about now?" he said with a smile.
That was it. I slapped that stupid smile right off his face and onto the floor. I was still breathing hard from anger, and he slowly started getting up. I raised my hand to slap him again, but he put his hands up.
"Wait! Wait!" he said. "Ok I'm sorry! I get it now, no sex at all."
"Humph." I said. "Now, will you help me or not?!"
"All right, I will… You want to leave?"
"Yes. I need a ride as soon as I can. And as quietly as possible. Zelda and her goons are after me. Gannondorf will stay and take care of them for me. You just need to take me somewhere for a while." I said
"Fine, sounds like a superb plan!" he said, faking a smile. "Only one problem though."
"What now?" I said
"I seemed to have dropped my car keys somewhere, help me find them." He said while searching the floor.
"Fine," I said as I started to search the floor.
"Check under the sofa," he said. "I'll lift."
I bent down to check, but instead he stood right next to me, bent over and I felt something happen on my back. I stood up, and my eyes widened.
"What did you do?" I asked him.
"Nothing!" he said. He was very unconvincing.
I felt on my back, then noticed something was missing. I gasped and said," Give it back!"
"Give what back?" he said trying not to smile.
"You know damn well what! I don't know how you did it, but you'd better give me back my bra or else!" I yelled angrily at him.
"Your bra is missing?" he said as he looked at my chest through the white tee shirt. "Ha! So it is!"
"Give it back NOW!" I yelled as I covered myself.
"Geeze Plum, I don't know what you mean, honestly." He said, finally cracking a smile.
This guy really knew how to piss me off. I was so angry, I grabbed his hand, pulled, and tripped him onto his stomach. I quickly grabbed 1 of his legs and pulled it back as hard as I could.
"Ow! Ow ow ow ow!" he started yelling and tapping on the floor. "Ok Ok! OW! I give- OW- up!"
I let go, and said," Now give it back."
He was nursing his leg with one arm, and handed my bra over with the other hand. It was cut in just the right spots so that I couldn't use it again.
"How the hell did you do that?" I said
"I'm the quickest guy you'll ever meet babe." He said, still nursing the leg.
"You…" I said, but I couldn't find the right words. I was extremely angry with him. I wanted to hit him again, but instead I said," You PERVERTED @$$HOLE!"
He looked up at me and said," What?"
I start pointing and yelling in his face as I say," You have to be the most horrible person I've ever met! How dare you treat me like this! You don't have any respect towards women at all! All you can think about is SEX! You're nothing but a filthy, degrading, immature, idiotic, ego maniac!"
He stared at me, and we stood there in a moment of awkward silence. Suddenly, he broke down and started crying.
"It's true!" he wined. "It's all true. I'm nothing but an oversexed pervert!"
I opened my mouth to say something, but he interrupted me.
"Oh Kiwi!" he said. "I am SO SORRY! It's just that… I thought you'd be more like Daisy!"
"Well, I'm not!" I said.
"Strawberry?" he said
"PEACH!" I said
"Whatever." He said. "I really mean it. I'm sorry!"
He crawled over to me, I started to back off, but he grabbed me and hugged me from the side. I couldn't do anything because he pinned my arms to my sides as he hugged me in a tight grip.
"Please, I'm so sorry. I'm nothing. I'm worthless. I… I can't help it, I'm a complete looser." He said
This was really uncomfortable, since I couldn't move my arms. Then he did something that was totally perverted. He used his right arm to pin my arms from the back, and using his left arm, put it around my front. I almost thought he was trying to hug around my shoulders, but instead, he moved his hand to grab my breast. He continued to talk as my mouth opened in shock.
"And I promise, I'll never ever bother you again. You're right, I should treat you with more respect. I think you're such a good person, and I'm such a looser."
He stopped talking and then squeezed it. He looked up at me and said," Hey! Did you know, you and Daisy are both A-cups?"
I was so angry, I started struggling and kicking as hard as I could. He let go when I almost kicked his stomach.
"I was just letting you know." He said
I didn't say anything. Instead I saw his legs open, then kicked him right in the balls as hard as I could. In Sheik's video, I learned how to do the split kick, so not only did I kick him, I followed through and kicked all the way to the ceiling.
"OOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!" he yelled as I left him hanging on my foot for a second, then let him drop. I could literally see stars in his eyes, and he curled up into a tiny ball grabbing his crotch. I decided to go and grab the heaviest trophy in that trophy rack. I went back and looked like I was going to hit his face with it. He covered his face, and instead I threw it at his balls. He yelled again, and I pointed at him again and said," Pervert."
All of a sudden, Sparky came flying through a big picture of Captain Falcon. He looked and said," Yea! He deserved that! After he was touching you like that."
"How did you know-" I said.
"Look." He said. "Behind that picture is a peep-hole. I think he put it there. The entrance was a bit hidden, but I found it."
"I KNEW IT!" I said. "This pervert was watching me undress!"
"Uh oh." He said.
"Get me outta here! NOW!" I said.
"Sure… make a wish now."
"I wish I could get out of here! I don't care where I go, just get me outta here!" I said.
There was his flash of light again, and instantly I was teleported somewhere.
I looked around, and saw a bunch of black military looking crates. It looked like I was in a storage area of some kind. But there was the smell of cigarettes coming from somewhere. Then I heard voices.
"What was that?" said a voice.
I heard footsteps coming towards me.
"Who's there?" said the voice.
I ducked down, and hoped he didn't see me. Then another voice spoke," Hey! Forget about it!"
The first person went back to where he came, and they began to talk again.
"So who we watin' for?" said another voice.
"We're waitin' for the boss. He's still finishing his Linguini." Said a third voice.
I recognized that voice though. It was Watoad. I don't know what he was doing, or where we were, but I was sure he was up to no good.
"Didja hear about that shakedown last week?" said Watoad.
"Yea, I heard you were one hellova good arm breaker."
"True, True," said Watoad. "They think just cause' I'm little, I'm easy to throw around. But you should see their faces when I rip em apart."
"Like a friggin' deer in the headlights!" said the first voice, and they laughed.
"Hey, Watoad!" said the first voice again. It was then I realized who that voice was: Waluigi. "What's all this I hears about you poisoning the princess?"
"Na, nothin' like that. Unfortunately, I only drugged her. I wish it was poison though. Stupid bitch. Na, if I'd have used poison, they would have tracked it to me. So far, she's out of the way, so our plan should go smoother since most of the security's gone lookin' for er'."
"Damn good job." Said the second voice. "I'm sure the boss'll appreciate it."
So, it was drugs. It was definitely in the pizza, because the mushrooms tasted strange. And they were also plotting more against me. It isn't usually like me to jump to conclusions, but if I didn't know any better then, I'd say this was some sort of organized crime.
"So what about the game last night?" said Waluigi.
One of them was about to talk, when suddenly I heard the door open. There was a lot of footsteps and a lot of talking. I decided to brave it and take a peek.
As I looked out, I saw a large table surrounded by a bunch of people wearing nice tuxedos. On the table was cards, poker chips, guns, beer, and used ash trays with smoke still coming out. I quickly hid again as someone looked my way. Someone spoke.
"Welcome gentlemen." Said a voice. "I hope-a the food was enjoyable. Consider it a compliment of the Wa's. As you know, the Wa's have, and always-a will be, the biggest reining family in all the Nintendo land. But there has-a always been one thorn in our side for our entire career. I think you all-a, know, her. She's Princess Peach."
I heard grumbling and mumbling between the men. I couldn't help but be a little more nervous knowing that they all in there hated me. I then guessed who the speaker was. I took a peek again and saw, huge as always, Wario.
He continued to speak," To get down-a to it, you all come-a from respectable families. Like you Don Alex. You come from a place-a called River city right?"
"Yea." Said Alex. "My game was 'River City Ransom'. I was so cool back in the day. Until that no good b**ch fired me."
"Exactly," said Wario. "And you, Don Jason? What-a game did you have-a before you were-a fired?"
"We were the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers." Said Jason. "Stupid wh*re, firing us like that. I mean we're still cool, right?!"
"Err… right." Said Wario halfheartedly. "And who could forget… Donatello?"
"That's right dude!" said Donatello. "Everyone loved the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'! We're all so pissed off still."
It all was coming together now. Families, shakedown, the slang, the cheesy Italian accents. These guys were the mafia. And he brought all the 'Dons' from around Nintendo land together here in this place. All these people I fired a long time ago, and apparently they formed their own mafia.
["Wait a sec." said Conker. "What do you mean by fired?"]
* * *
Peach giggled a bit and said," I do a lot more than you know I do."
"Like what?" he said
"For example, you ever wonder why you haven't seen a 'River city Ransom?' or even a 'Ninja Turtles' game? Well the nice people at Nintendo Video games HQ made me their contractor. Or even their decision maker. I decide what stays and goes. Characters come to me for contracts, advice, and sequels. Hey, it's not like I make the games, I decide based on popular vote who stays and goes. Fortunately, I fired a lot of people before the dunderheads actually write the scripts."
"Oh, I see." Said Conker. "You give them contracts to work games. Funny, I never saw you there at the HQ."
"I work at home." She said. "I don't go there usually, I take lots of e- mail though. Did you talk to the assistant contractor when you had your games made?"
"You mean Samus right?"
"Yea, she takes most of the e-mail before it reaches me. She's been awful busy with the latest games recently. I'm proud of her though, she still makes time to complete her own game after a such a long time."
"Humm," said Conker. He then smiled mischievously and said," Hey what about those really crappy games that come out? You know what I'm talking about. Blast Corps, Yoshi's story 2, etcetera, etcetera."
"Hey, hey hey!" she said with an annoyed look on her. "Like I said, I don't make the games, and don't write the scripts, I'm in charge of hiring and firing! Believe me, the guys in Blast Corps were promoted to janitors, and Yoshi's too much of an icon to fire. But the scriptwriters were put to shame."
Conker laughed a bit and said," I was only joking. Geeze."
She smirked and said," Yea yea. You can't talk Mr. 'Diddy Kong's Racing'."
"Aaaw come on now," he said with a playful smile. "That was a low blow Peach."
She stuck out her tongue at him and they both laughed a bit. He then said, "You're pretty important then?"
"Yea, I'm the most loved and hated person and everyone in Nintendo doesn't know it. The ones that did know it, hate me. But we'll get back to that later, let's continue."
* * *
"So," said Wario. "It seems-a to me that we're all in agreement that she needs to be taken-a care of. What I'm askin' is-a for your support. Men, guns, ammo is what I'm askin for. You keep-a the castle guards at bay, and we makes our way inside and gets-a the dirty bi**ch. We would do it ourselves, but seein as she-a found our bank accounts and closed em, we are currently on-a shortage of-a funds."
It was true. My toads are sneaky little fellows. They found the mob's account and we closed it. What he doesn't know is that we donated his money to charity. The children thank you Don Wario.
"So, what do we get out of it?" said Jason.
"She has a vault on the basement, the treasury is yours to rob." Said Waluigi
They smiled as they laughed. Alex then spoke again," So what do you get out of all of this?"
"Our business has to do with-a the Princess herself. We need her and-a nothing more." Said Wario.
They were happy to oblige, and I heard the Don's say," Agreed."
They all shook hands, and Wario said," Now come. I want-a to show you my billiard room."
They all left the room, and only Watoad and Waluigi were still there, laughing.
"Suckers," said Waluigi. "They're going for the treasury, while we make a break for the BIG dough!"
"Yea!" said Watoad. "The BIG dough! But eh… what about the security?"
"Forget about it!" said Waluigi. "We'll have the princess right? We only need a couple of er' body parts to make it through."
They both laughed evilly as he said that, and they left the room. I was a bit worried on the fact that they knew about the hidden vault.
["Hidden vault?" said Conker]
Yes, a hidden vault in my castle. For security reasons, we have a secret back-door entrance to the first International Nintendo bank. It can only be opened with my password, my face print ID, my handprint ID, and breath sample. Same goes for my father as well, but we'll keep that between us, Ok? Inside the tunnel though, is an unimaginable amount of security though. If you think Zelda's castle has high-tech security, well you've never seen what's inside that (minus the stupid vine trick). The only way I can figure they found out about this is because of Watoad. He used to try so hard to get the job inside the vault, but I always refused because of his lack of competence.
I had to think of a way to stop them. But it was only me. I couldn't take on the mob myself. Especially not I'm a prime target at the moment. No, I needed help; I needed a way to take on the mob. I knew exactly what to do.
"Sparky!" I said.
He popped out shaking," S-Scary. PEACH! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO-"
"Shhhhhh!" I interrupted him. "Not so loud. And don't panic, you gotta learn to keep your cool."
"But, I have trouble sometimes." He said
"You gotta try still! I'm going to be counting on you! Will you help me or not?" I said
"Yes, I'll help. I'll try and keep my cool." He said
"That's the spirit," I said with a smile. " Now, I need a wish… I need to get out of here."
"Umm… there's a problem with that." He said.
"What now?" I said.
"I can't grant the same wish more than twice without a slight grace period, so you'll have to wait a couple of hours. Maybe even a day." He said, lowering his head.
"What?! But I haven't got a couple of hours, or a day!"
"I know I know… you'll have to think of something else."
I thought about it, and said," Ok how about this… I wish for the power to take on the Mafia."
"OK!" he said. He shined, and sparkled again. He made a small flash, and it looked as though nothing happened.
"Well?" I said.
"I don't know… I'm pretty sure something happened. I don't know what though. Try it again, I promise I'll do it!"
"All right. I wish for the power to take on the mafia."
Again, he sparkled and flashed, but instead a vortex opened up, similar to the one Gannondorf came out of. A man stepped out wearing a dark long coat, a colorful undershirt, jean pants, very short cut hair, toting two inagrams in his hands, and had a half smirk and half angry expression on his face. He wasn't facing backwards this time though. We both stood there in awkward silence. I was the one to break the silence.
"Uhh… Hi?" I said. Not the most articulate thing to say.
"Hello." He said back, in a deep voice.
"My name's Peach. What's yours?" I said.
"Payne," he said. "Max Payne."
I thought for a second, and then recognized the name.
"Whoa! Max Payne? 'The' Max Payne himself? The man who took on the mob single-handedly? The man who escaped the cops to avenge his wife and daughter's death?"
"Humph. Nothing I'm completely proud of. Just correcting an injustice." He said.
"Oh, yea." I said. "I'm sorry to hear that. I really am."
"Don't worry about it. Most of the pain is gone now. Still, the pain is there, and it won't ever go away."
"I hear ya." I said. "When I was young, I lost my favorite teddy bear. I later found out that little Zelda took it and sacrificed it to her supposed 'Goddesses'. Geeze, you'd think that Polytheism died out a long time ago, but some people can be so stubborn."
Obviously he wasn't interested in that, so instead he put his weapons away, and asked," So, how did I get here?"
I explained about Sparky, and then explained about my current situation with the mob in the other room. He probably thought I was either crazy, or full of it. But he did believe the part about the Mob outside. Max reached in his coat and pulled out his dual inagrams.
"Looks as though you can Bullet-Time, and Shoot/Dodge-Time. You just need a weapon now." He said.
I didn't understand a word he said," I can what?"
"Bullet-Time and Shoot/Dodge-Time," he said. "Like me. I don't know how you got it, but it will save your life."
Sparky popped out of my pocket and said," That must have been what I did! I gave you Bullet-Time, and Shut-Up Time!"
"Shoot-Dodge." Corrected Max.
"Oh, Shoot-Dodge. Humm… Hey! You know what! You need something else too! Some new clothes! I got just the thing too!"
"Ok, fine." I said as I thought about the crappy outfit I was wearing now. "I wish for a cool outfit."
There was the flash, and instantly I was wearing some new clothes. I had a black long jacket like Max's, a dark green vest underneath, a dark blue tee shirt underneath, and a cool pair of oval shades in the pocket. I put on the oval shades, and smiled. The coat felt heavy, and I reached inside and found duel inagrams, a magnum revolver, and duel Berettas.
"And there's a surprise for you in the pocket!" said Sparky.
I looked, and found a pink bandana.
"What's this for?" I asked
"Infinite ammo, silly!" he said.
"Oh…" I said, looking perplexed. How or why a bandana could give you infinite ammo is still a mystery to me even today.
Max was looking pretty puzzled himself; I bet he believed me now. He shook his head and said," Ready? Why don't you give that Bullet-Time a try?"
"Ok, but I don't see how I'm going to-" I was interrupted by something strange happening. Everything around me was moving in slow motion. Yet, I was still totally aware of what was happening. It stopped and Max said," So? Did it happen?"
"Yea! That was weird!" I said
"It is, but if you get it right, you can surprise your enemy and take the first shots. Now try Shoot-Dodge. Take an evasive dive in any direction and aim your weapon anywhere. Like this." He said as he jumped backwards, landing gracefully on his back, and flipping up.
"Now you try," he said.
"Ok." I said.
I jumped backwards, and again, everything slowed down for me. This time though, I was able to move my body in any direction as quickly as I needed. This was indeed very helpful. I landed on my back, and flipped up like he did. I was pretty good at this, thanks to Sheik's videos.
"Nice, very nice." He said. "Now the trick is applying it. And we've got no choice but to try it out on a few people here. Are you ready?"
I had butterflies in my stomach, and I felt it moving up my throat. I was cornered, and had no other way out. Who knows what my chances of survival were, but it's a chance I had to take. I said calmly," Let's go."
