Chapter Six: Anthropomorphize the Universe
Commander,
I give you thanks for assisting the refugees and myself. We would not have lasted much longer against Cerberus, let alone Reaper troops. I also feel the need to apologize; I'm not an expert on weapons that can't be attached to a ship, so I'm sure you did most of the work on the field. But now I can repay you in full. Because you took the time to help, I can return to the skies and help push the Reapers back. Perhaps I'll even fly over Earth, if I manage to live that long.
Your "modified" comrade was kind enough to inform me of Naja and Nymer's fate. Even knowing they, my captain, and countless others gave their lives in this war—and accepting this fact, as turians are expected to—it is still painful, knowing their lives could have been longer. Knowing they could have given so much more.
I wish you luck in your coming battles, and that you will—forgive the informality—continue to "kick the ass". I think that's how it goes.
1st Lt. Nachthex Caelus, Palaven Air Fleet
Shepard could see red and orange lights glinting in the reflection of his data-pad. In the swirls of his coffee. He put both down and lowered his head, fingers trailing up his cheeks, over the cruel chasms, and fixed over his scalp like a calloused crown. At least the marble surface of the mess hall counter was forgiving. Knowing only darkness accompanied him, teammates and crew tucked away in their quarters, he released a pained groan.
"You know," a gentle voiced rolled in, "if you're trying to fall asleep, you might want to lay off the caffeine."
The commander lifted his burdened head and saw Ashley approach the counter, arms folded, eyes straight, trying to upkeep a peaceful and good humored expression. "Yeah," he answered, trying and failing to work up a laugh for her, "but with the biotics, I need a steady calorie intake and somewhere along the line, I got addicted to this stuff." He watched as she took a seat across from him. Her thick lashes fluttered, lips pursed, brow smooth. He knew she was trying to look at him, not the scars, but knowing her eyes were on him still caused him to twitch. "Can I make you some? I've gotten pretty good at it." He said it as an excuse to turn away from her, if only for a minute.
"Maybe another time, I just wanted to check on you. Must've been a rough day. Drell Reaper troops, huh?"
"Yeah. Of all the things I thought I'd be telling Hackett about, Reapers using yet another species was not on the list. It's puzzling, though. There's not nearly enough drell to make a sizeable army, their world was already dying. And I did some research, there hasn't been a single report of anything like what I saw today. Those things were new, but…"
"Hopefully it'll stay an isolated thing, then."
"Yeah, hopefully."
"Man, though, just when you think you've got these crazy things figured out, they pull out some new trick. I mean, you killed the last of the rachni, but they still got those Ravagers."
"True, and those things are a pain in the ass. And… Banshees aren't just asari, they're Ardat-Yakshi. Maybe… maybe that's it. They're not aiming to make a hoard of shock troops, but a few powerful soldiers, to spearhead their ground assaults."
"That's not really better or worse, but it's something."
"Those drell things… they were in a laboratory of some kind. I think they were working on a cure for Kepral's Syndrome. Maybe they were scientists, or volunteers, or... in any case, it's gruesome, what was done to them." Shepard cringed, his mind tunneling back to the lab, which delved further to reveal Thane's likeness. Do you… remember a drell? In Huerta Memorial Hospital?"
"Yeah, in my physical recovery class. Tannor. He talked about his son all the time, it was so sweet. It sounded like they were in a rough patch, but he really loved that kid. I actually showed him the book you gave me. The man was definitely not apologetic for having a sensitive side. But when Cerberus got to the Citadel, I ran to the Council and he went some other way. I have no idea where he went."
"Actually, his name was Thane Krios. He was an assassin, and worked for me during my pursuit of the Collectors. He even asked me to help him fix things with his son, in a sense, before he died."
"He was a… wait, so he's gone? I knew he had Kepral's Syndrome, but was that what did it?"
"No. He died protecting the Salarian Councilor from a Cerberus assassination."
"I had no idea. He was at peace with his condition, but I didn't think he'd go and do something like that. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him."
"He probably didn't have much time left anyway, but I know how you feel… I don't like seeing people throw away their lives when it could've been prevented. At least his son was there when he passed."
"And now he can be with his wife."
"Yeah."
"Ah, sad and strange as in dark summer dawns. The earliest pipe of half-awaken'd birds. To dying ears, when unto dying eyes. The casement slowly grows a glimmering square; so sad, so strange, the days that are no more."
"Tennyson?"
"Yeah. 'Tears, Idle Tears'. Tann—I mean, Thane—he liked that one. Seemed like… he was trying to let go of his regrets, but you can't just forget these things. Sorry if that came out of nowhere, but I didn't have a whole lot to do in that hospital."
"No, it's okay. I'm glad you two got along."
"Man, it's just…" Ashley watched as Shepard kept his head tilted sideways, face looking at random objects in the room. Her hands floated across the counter surface to meet his. "Hey, how are you holding up?"
"It was just a shock and a few burns. I'm fine, save for…" His gaze wandered off the counter, climbed along her fingers and arms, until it locked onto her face. He had to look straight at her, he owed it to her. But as he did, he cringed, seeing the thin mask of happiness on her. "Ash, you don't have to pretend you don't see them."
Ashley gulped, but she kept her hands on Shepard's and her eyes on his. "It's a bit to take in, you realize. You should have told me."
"I know. It's just that they're a reminder that I was bought back from the dead, remade by Cerberus as their tool. For a while, I was okay with it. I needed to keep going. No one else was going to take care of the Collectors, the Reapers. But later on, the Illusive Man… it just got more and more obvious he was using me, just got a little worse each time. He was more than ready to throw me out if I stopped being useful. That's what you do with tools, use them up until they're worn out."
"Come on, Shepard, you're a person. I'm not gonna pretend to know what coming back from the dead is like, but you can't see yourself as a thing."
"Got to a point where I couldn't look at myself. That's why I got the surgery. But it didn't fix anything. They were always there." His head dropped again, hands drifted to push away his cup and data-pad to the far side of the counter, so that he could not so much as catch a glimpse of the red in his face. He choked up trying to speak again, his normally steadfast baritone faltering, his words shaking. "I'm sorry, Ashley. We just got back on track, so I didn't want to put you through this. But I ended up making it worse."
She leaned in closer and put a hand against his cheek. Her fingers tripped over the gashes, and her eyes began to well up with tears. "Serves you right for not bringing me," she said with a weak laugh. "Don't know how you managed to stay in one piece for so long without me to protect you."
"Nothing short of a miracle," he responded, fighting the strain to crack a little smile. "But… when I was with Cerberus, after Horizon, I wasn't sure you even wanted me back. I wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't. There were times I was sure you wouldn't."
"Come on, Bas, what did I say about feeling sorry for yourself?"
"I was cold to you, then. And you were still nervous around me, up until Mars."
"Well, keep in mind… it's you we're talking about."
She had finally managed to work a smile on her Commander's tired face, "Heh, okay, point taken," he said.
"When you died, I tried to move on, and honestly, I was doing a pretty good job. I even started seeing this guy for a little while… then I heard you were back and… I couldn't do it. The feeling I got… I knew I wasn't totally over you. So I had to break it off, it wasn't fair to him.
"It's just little things, you know? You think you're over something, you go the longest time without thinking about it, and something happens, and it's like a dam breaking. Like that mission on Tuchunka. I don't know if it was the word 'bomb', the sound of Victus's voice or just something in the air, but something in my mind… snapped, and all those memories of Kaidan flooded in. God, I miss him, I wish… he would have made a better Spectre than me."
"Don't you dare talk like that."
"It's true, damn it. He was more experienced, he had biotics, had a much better track record than I did. Never even lost any of his men to hostile action. What happened at the Citadel, he wouldn't have let that happen, or at least he would've handled it better."
"Ash…" Shepard cupped his hands over hers, with a stare that pulled her in. The gaze of his unfettered eyes pushed away the sight of his scars. "Is remembering this making you think about my choosing you over Kaidan?"
"It's been so long since I've allowed myself to think about it. I mean, if you had gone back for him, maybe my sacrifice would've lifted that Williams curse once and for all."
"Maybe, but… damn it, Ash. Don't think for a second it was my feelings that saved you. Alenko was an excellent soldier, and if I could've gone back I would have. But you can't measure worth like that. You know what it means to work for everything you get, and that's what I need. You don't stop working because someone rewards you. This war isn't going to be won with people giving each other accolades. Medals of honor don't impress the Reapers. It's gonna take blood, and strife. You know that better than anyone."
"Yeah… I do."
"I don't need any more martyrs, Ash. I need you."
The lieutenant commander took a breath, and a warm smile crossed her face as she released air. "Thanks, Bastian, this was a good talk."
"I'm sorry I keep doing this to you. Bringing up all these things."
"No, no, don't be sorry. I'm glad for it. I mean, sure, there are times when it'd be easier if I couldn't feel a thing. But then I wouldn't be quite the same. Might feel like crap for a while, but eventually it makes me want to do better."
"Do better… listen, I was thinking… I could just get the surgery again, but Chakwas told me the rate at which they heal or progress is related to my mental state. So I was going to try and… be more positive, and maybe they'll actually go away this time."
"I don't know, Skipper, wartime isn't ideal for learning to smile more."
"I'm hoping it goes a bit deeper than that. When I was in detention, I did some thinking. And after Tuchunka, things really started to hit home."
"You mean when Mordin died to cure the krogan? Liara and Tali told me about him."
"That's exactly it. I wasn't going to let him do it. I almost stopped him. The genophage was created for a reason, he and I were in agreement, or at least I thought so. But he was so determined to undo it. It was his work, maybe the most significant thing he had done in his life, but he wanted to change it.
I want to do better. It's hard to explain. But maybe if I don't approach everything with anger and cynicism, maybe if I can think of this war as not just fighting for survival, but for a future worth living in, maybe they'll heal."
"You really miss this Mordin. He must have made a great impact on you."
"I do, and he did. It's funny, I think he originally joined me against the Collectors as a way to atone. But what he did, that was on his terms, and now… now atonement is looking like a good idea to me."
"Bastian, you may not be the easiest guy to get along with, but you've done great things. You're doing something great right now. You really think you need to repent?"
"I've always believed in doing what needs to be done, no matter the price. So many people have given their lives so I could keep going. The people we've lost—Kaidan, Thane, Mordin—everyone, they deserved better. And it's not going to matter unless the galaxy is one worth living in. I can't make that personal connection with the whole universe. But I can think about them, about those still around me now… and you."
Ashley had to bite her lip, to keep the trembling voice and weepy waters locked within her heated face. "Wow, Bastian… that sounds a lot like Kaidan, if you don't mind my saying."
"That's a good thing. He was a man of integrity."
"Yeah, he was," the lieutenant commander slowly hoisted herself off her seat and rubbed her salty eyes with her forearm, lest she stay another moment and allow the memories to overwhelm her. "I… should let you get back to it," she said as she started to drift away, feet on the floor. "Don't stay up too late, now."
"Ash," Shepard pulled her back in as she reached halfway between the counter and the hallway. "Before all this happened, when you came up to my cabin, I was going to ask if you'd like to stay there. With me." He saw her pause, squirmed in her step. The ever present spark of heat that emanated from his face was still too intense to ignore, as much as she tried. "Give it some thought."
She rubbed her flushed cheeks and sniffed back the tears into her sockets. "I will."
