"Oh, please. And how would some jam, two fans, and a Graveler help with that?"

"I could always try something while he's sleeping." My telephone conversation was brought to an unceremonious end when my mother decided that she needed me at just that moment.

"Honey! Gary's here! he says he wants to talk to you!" she called from the foyer.

"Tell him I'm not home!"

"I know you're there, Leafy."

"Tell him I'm sick!"

"I can see you're not." The dolt had managed to get in anyway, and was now standing over me, his face inches away as he rested his elbows on the arm rests of the couch. "You've really got to start working on your alibis."

"I'll talk to you later," I muttered into the receiver, hanging up without so much as waiting for a goodbye in return. She'd understand. I glared at the bane of my existence, waiting for his rotten excuse this time.

"I was thinking we could spend the day together. You know, doing friend stuff, or whatever."

"And I was thinking of kicking you out."

"Oh, Leafy, that's no way to talk to your best friend," Blockhead pouted.

"I don't recall ever agreeing on that terminology." Unfortunately, since Red had risen so high on my totem pole of animosity, it left few spots between Dolt and the coveted position. In other words, he was pretty dang close. By this point, he was probably about to pass my own mother.

Three comedies, countless ridiculously terrible jokes, and several long hours with this self-proclaimed best friend later, I was ready to shoot myself. I'd begged my mother to hold off on going out to buy groceries until tomorrow; who knew what would happen if I were left alone with that thing for however long. Thankfully, dinner, full of absurd anecdotes, was soon over and Dolt had to go back to his own home. It was times like these when I really felt bad for his family.

"It's getting so late, though, and they predicted a rainstorm for the night. I think I can hear it now. Wouldn't it be better if I stayed over here tonight? It'd be just like old times, wouldn't it, Leafy?" He wrapped an arm around me cajolingly. The desperation was starting to show through, and he was running out of excuses. I didn't hesitate to shoot him down.

"You'd better get home before that rain starts then, eh?"

"Well, Gary, I'd love to let you stay, but, you know… you practically being adults and all…" my mother trailed off. For once she was on my side. I'd have to remind myself to thank her later.

"Oh, I see," Blockhead said dejectedly. "Well, before I leave, I just need to make a phone call. Is that all right?" My mother nodded and he walked a bit down the hall to make his call in privacy.

"Honestly, Mom, I just wanted to say th-"

My thank you was cut short by the ring of the doorbell. Upon opening the door, I was greeted by none other than my ex-ex-ex-friend, donning his pyjamas and holding a bundle of what appeared to be a couple of pillows and another set of sleepwear. I had to resist strangling the nearest living thing, especially when Dolt strode out from the hall to greet his friend.

"Oh, Red, funny meeting you here!" He turned to my mother. "He just loves sleepovers, you know. Just like old times!"

"Really, I mean, I wasn't planning on this, but I suppose if Red is here, it'll be fine. It'll be like when you were kids! How cute!" She could forget all about that thank you now. It was more like a "go to hell" now, anyway.

The two not-so-welcome guests set up base in the living room, spreading out blankets for makeshift beds on the floor. I couldn't help but view the clashing colours and patterns critically. The green paisley and royal purple checks made my stomach turn, but I could survive for one night.

"I made a bed for you too, Leafy." Doofus pointed at the jumble of cloth I'd been eyeing warily before. "It's right next to mine, just like when we were kids, right?" Right. When I already wanted to kill you while you slept nearby.

The night passed in nearly the same way as the day, only with the addition of Red. Blockhead's suggestion of Spin the Bottle was quickly shot down by both Red and me, unsurprisingly. By the time the clock struck nine, I was getting tired of all of the board games. There's a reason why they're called "bored" games, and I found out the hard way.

9:15. Red fell asleep.

9:40. I tried, unsuccessfully, to fall asleep.

10:00. More puns.

10:30. If I hear one more joke, I'll shoot myself.

11:15. How does he have this unending barrage of wisecracks?

11:50. This is what death feels like.

We were both lying in our respective nests, eyes shut and as close to sleep without actually being asleep as possible. I couldn't move, even if I tried. I'd never stayed up this late in my entire life. A life of religiously consistent bedtimes and early nights certainly added up. Ga-Dolt's exhaustion seemed to say the same.

"What…what did…" he said weakly. "What did the Magikarp…karp…say when it r-ran into…into a dam?"

"Wh-what?"

"Oh, fudge."

"Wh-what?"

"I…I said it all wrong."

A chuckle escaped. Then it wasn't long before I was in hysterics.

"Wha?" was Dolt's eloquent response.

"I'm waaaay too tired," I muttered into my pillow once my bout of laughter was over. The last thing I heard before blacking out was a snore from next to me.

"Honey, wake up. Wake up, dear."

"Five more minutes, Mom."

"No, you've got to get up now. It's already half past ten."

That sobered me up. I opened my eyes in unfamiliar surroundings, confused a bit until I remembered the events of last night. Great. He got me to laugh again. But how could he prove that I laughed before midnight? Unless he could, I might get away without his date.

"Oh, Leafy, you're up." I couldn't catch a break, could I? " And before you say I can't prove that you laughed sometime yesterday, I'll show you that I can." This didn't sound good. A point-and-shoot camera made its appearance in front of my face and I fought to keep it in focus. There it was. The photograph, taken from somewhere behind Dolt's shoulder, showed me unflatteringly mid-laugh while the timestamp read 23:57.

"Red was awake the whole time?"

"Yep. Just in case something like this happened." I had to admit, he'd planned the whole thing pretty cleverly. "Come on, Leafy, get up." He extended a hand to me and I grabbed it, still in a daze from my late night. I'm pretty sure I was dead to the world until my mother thrust me under a cold shower to freeze my face off, something unusual. Normally I'd be doing that to myself in the mornings.

You can imagine my reaction when I heard afterwards that Blockhead had offered to take my mother's place. I don't think he'll be doing that for a long time.


I've stayed up much later than this, as I'm sure many of you have. I'm only glad I caught myself, because originally I'd been going into the morning hours. That would not work. At all. So, I had to tire them out quickly with some hand waving and author powers.