CHAPTER 7: The One With Martha Stuart

Summary: Harry Potter finds a new passion after the loss of his teddy bear.


As Hermione took her place beside her husband at breakfast, she noticed Dumbledore didn't look pleased. He looked as if he had a particularly stubborn seed stuck between his teeth that was causing him great pain. Hermione was about to pass the headmaster some floss when he suddenly stood up.

"SHUT UP YOU INSIDIOUS STUDENTS!" He bellowed.

Everyone was startled. Not only because Dumbledore had yelled, but because no one had been talking to begin with.

"WE HAVE A GUEST!" He cried. The students did know why he was yelling since they could all hear him perfectly clear. "AND WITH THAT, I WOULD ….. LIKE…. TO WELCOME…. MARTHA STUART."

With that the doors of the hall were blown open and a startlingly distorted woman entered the room with a sneer on her face.

"This is what you call decoration, Dumbledore?" She sniffed. "The color scheme is all wrong." She leaned over and touched a plum colored banner. "Grotesque. Good thing I got here in time."

Dumbledore lifted his lip in a half-snarl half-sneer. Minerva placed a hand on his arm to calm him down.

Martha surveyed the horribly dressed student body before her and then turned to Dumbledore. She nearly gagged at the lack of sweaters thrown over shoulders. "I shall begin work immediately." With that, she turned and left the hall as loudly as she had entered.

Snape turned to Hermione and said, "If that woman turns Hogwarts into pink, I will vomit."

Hermione patted her husband on the cheek. "There, there, dear. I'm sure even she wouldn't do that."


The next day….

"WTF! PINK!"

Dumbledore woke up to find himself surrounded in pink. Pink pillows, pink rugs…. Even the stones of Hogwarts had been tinged pink. "I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! I SHALL KILL THAT WOMAN! I HATE HER MORE THAN I HATED LORD VOLDEMORT!"

Dumbledore dressed in a rage, determined to hunt down Martha Stuart and make her pay.


Martha Stuart stumbled upon a crying boy in her tour of the horrid-ill-kept-not-very-green-not-well-enough-trimmed-not-enough-ivy-covered grounds and bent down to give him a piece of homemade original Martha Stuart ™ chocolate when she realized it was Harry Potter.

"What the heck are you doing? Didn't you defeat some Darth Vader/Ringwraith guy? You should be courageous and strong and … not crying."

Harry looked up at her, snot running down his nose. "I lost my teddy bear."

Martha Stuart rolled her eyes. "Come with me… you can help me redecorate this horrid place."


1 week later

"Harry, aren't you coming to Quidditch tryouts for somereallybigteam with us!" Ron asked.

Harry shook his head while dashing past Ron. "Can't! We're decorating the front hall today! And I just thought of the perfect color scheme! Wait 'til Martha hears about it!" With that, Harry dashed off, screaming about eggplant and lime borders.

Ron turned to Hermione. "I thought he was still threatening suicide over the loss of his teddy bear."

Hermione shrugged. "Apparently he found something else to live for…"

"Dumbledore is going to be soooo mad when he finds out Martha Stuart has corrupted the Boy-Who-Lived…and lived and lived and lived."

Hermione got a pensive look on her face. "Maybe we can help Dumbledore out…"