Chapter 6
A Lesson in Self-Loathing
There were far more donations than Elsa had first imagined. In her eyes, it was almost a mountain of clothes to sort through, and she had to wonder how the nuns came across so much. They had clothes for toddlers all the way up to the elderly, though she doubted that there was much need for either with the city in the condition it was in. In fact, she hadn't really seen anybody wandering around since her encounter with Randall. But, according to Sasha, there were lots of people living outside the compounds. Most were refugees from the neighboring cities or escapees trying to hide from the Russians. Where these people were, she had no idea.
After some digging, Elsa finally found some clothes that she liked and wouldn't be a burden while they traveled around. A pair of black leather boots, low rise loose-fitting jeans, a white tank top, and a light blue zip-up hoodie. It was comfortable and still afforded her the ability to move when necessary. She couldn't remember the last time she wore anything other than that jumpsuit, and she was glad to be rid of the thing. Now she felt like an individual, a real person. It may have been a small thing to most people, but to her it was another taste of freedom.
She still couldn't explain what happened earlier. Nothing like that had ever happened to her before, and the sudden onset of all those symptoms at once scared her. But more than that, it was how harsh it all was. It wasn't a slow buildup, it was excruciating right from the start. No, it didn't make any kind of sense. The strangest part was that it happened right as she entered the church. Before they walked inside, she felt an awesome presence, something that was powerful. But, once inside, she was overcome by pain.
Elsa considered asking Mother Margaret or one of the other nuns about it. Perhaps they would know what it was she had experienced. But the more she thought about it, the more she decided it was a bad idea. She didn't want to explain why she didn't know anything about the church or God or anything. She didn't even know if that had anything to do with it. There was the chance that it was just her powers acting up, but it didn't have the usual sensations that came with it. It was just sudden and terrible.
The ringing in her ears was the strangest part. She could have sworn that there was a voice speaking to her behind the noise, and it wasn't Sasha. That much she knew. It wasn't speaking in a language she could understand, and it was hard enough to hear as it was. It was also difficult to tell if it was male or female. To her, it sounded like it was both at the same time. It sounded urgent, but what it was saying was lost to her.
Once she was finished changing, she took a long look in the tall mirror that was provided to her. Looking herself over, she could see that she desperately needed a shower. Her snowy blonde hair was frazzled and dirty with sweat, there was dirt all over her face and arms, and she could tell she looked exhausted. The scars she had obtained over the years at the facility stood out on her pale skin, and she lifted her shirt to see that more were present. It made her feel ugly, and she hated it. There was nothing she could do about it though. Escaping Langdon's was more than enough of a middle finger to Doctor Harvey and his staff of sadistic psychopaths. Still, it didn't help her feel much better about herself.
When she decided she was done being disgusted with herself, she returned to the grand hall where she had met Mother Margaret. The woman seemed genuinely nice, and acted as if she truly cared about Elsa and her predicament. She trusted the woman, and the other nuns seemed just as kind. This was her first visit ever to a church, and it was leaving a good impression on her.
As she entered, she noticed Sasha and Mother Margaret off in the corner talking. She couldn't hear them, and she knew it was likely none of her business what they were discussing. Instead, she chose to examine the paintings and figurines that surrounded the man on the cross. The paintings were interesting, though they mostly depicted a woman holding a baby. She had no idea who it was supposed to be, but she guessed they were important.
Finally her gaze rested on the man on the cross. For whatever reason, the whole thing seemed morbid and out of place. The man was nailed to the cross, had a halo of what appeared to be thorns on his head, had wounds in his side, and he looked like he was in serious pain. Why this would be in a place of worship she had no idea.
"Amazing, isn't it?" said a voice from behind her.
It startled Elsa, and she spun around to see it was Mother Margaret, hands folded in front of her. Elsa looked as if she had just been caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar, just like she had as a kid.
"Oh...I, uh, I didn't touch anything. I promise." Elsa assured the nun.
The older woman smiled and restrained a chuckle. "I'm not worried about that, child. I just thought you looked drawn in, like you were overcome with awe. I'm not surprised."
Elsa turned her attention back to the man on the cross. "I, uh, have no idea who that is."
Mother Margaret blinked several times, trying to hide the shock on her face. "You don't know who Jesus Christ is? Our Lord and Savior?"
"Um... No?" Elsa admitted shyly.
"Sweetheart, where are you from that you don't know who that is?" Mother Margaret asked confounded.
She looked at the woman for a brief moment before looking down at the ground. "You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Why do you say that?"
With a sigh, Elsa decided to tell the woman what she had told Sasha, explaining why she didn't know much about anything. As she told Mother Margaret, the woman became more and more visibly concerned. When Elsa had finished, the nun looked quite shocked and angry.
"That is awful that they would do such a thing. Turning their child into a prisoner is just horrific," Mother Margaret spat.
"That's why I don't know much. I wasn't taught anything besides reading, writing, and math. We never received news about current events, and there were no history lessons of any kind. I'm completely ignorant of pretty much everything," Elsa confided.
Mother Margaret smiled sadly at Elsa, and laid a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "All that means is you simply haven't been taught. It doesn't make you any less of a person. There is much to know and learn, and only a limited amount of time on this earth to learn it in. But all you need to do is just ask, and I would be more than happy to help you. I can assure you, though, that God is watching over you and will guide you on your way."
Elsa gave another quick glance to the man on the cross before fully turning towards the nun. "I don't even know what God is."
"God is... Everything. He is all-powerful, all-knowing. He loves each and every one of his children. That includes you," the woman explained.
She didn't know if she understood, but Elsa nodded anyway. It all sounded too good to be true, but maybe the woman was right. Maybe this God did actually care. But if that were the case, he never should have left her imprisoned for so long. This whole train of thought left her feeling conflicted and confused.
Soon it was lunchtime, and the nuns brought them food from their kitchen. It was nothing special, but it was different from the protein bars and slop from the facility's kitchen. Elsa ended up with a very delicious bowl of piping hot chicken noodle soup, which was the most wonderful thing she had ever eaten in her opinion. It filled her up, and she suddenly found that she had more energy than before. She hadn't realized that she had been eating so little.
After she was finished with her soup, Sasha approached and sat beside her on one of the pews. He looked at her for several seconds before saying a word. "Now you look like a person," he said with a hint of sarcasm.
"Gee, thanks," she replied. "What's our next move?"
He tossed his arm across the back of the bench and sighed. "We move by nightfall. My other contact does not like to operate in the daylight. It attracts unwanted attention. But, he will have what we are looking for."
"Is he far from here?" she asked curiously.
"No. Maybe less than a kilometer away. Should not take us more than ten or fifteen minutes to get there."
"Okay," Elsa said as she nodded. "What do we do in the meantime?"
"Get preached to by the nuns until you cannot stomach it anymore," he said with a frown.
"I take it you don't like them."
"No, it is not that. It is just that, after everything I have seen and done, I do not believe there is a God. Or if there is, he does not care anymore," he admitted sardonically.
Elsa fell silent. She didn't know what to say, and she felt she didn't know enough to open her mouth. So instead, she folded her hands in her lap and pretended to look around. Sasha stood and placed a hand on her shoulder before giving her a pat. Then he disappeared into one of the rooms off to the side of the hall.
00000
As evening approached and the pair gathered their things, they were quickly on their way. The nuns had packed supplies for them both, and Elsa now carried a pack of her own. It didn't hold any of the equipment that Sasha's did, but it was a military grade pack. She now had a bedroll of her own, plenty of dried and canned food, a canteen of clean water, and a few other items that she might need. She was grateful that they had helped as much as they did, and promised herself that she would return and visit them sometime.
They weaved in and out of the wreckage of some fallen buildings and pockmarked streets, and soon came to a four-lane road that seemed to run for miles in both directions. Further down the direction they were headed, some of the streetlights appeared to be working, which Elsa thought was odd. But then she remembered how the power still worked back at the docks, and it suddenly didn't seem so strange.
"Is the power going to be working where we're headed?" Elsa asked.
"Yes," Sasha replied. "My contact runs an operation that requires power for his computers and other nonsense. But we will not be there for long. Plus, he owes me."
As they drew closer to their destination, Elsa looked around at the houses and apartments that lined the road, all with power still on. "Do you think we could stop at one of these houses so I can take a shower? I noticed back at the church just how filthy I am."
"Sure, why not?" he said with a shrug. "It would not be a bad place to call it a night. The Russians do not really operate in this part of the city."
"Then that means you could get some rest too. And don't act like you don't need any. I can see the bags under your eyes, plus how red they are. You're sleeping tonight whether you like it or not," Elsa commanded.
"We will see," he replied with a chuckle.
At the next crossroad, there was a 7-Eleven with a couple of the lights on. Most of the windows were boarded up, and a strange, musky smell permeated the air. The neon signs were, for the most part, busted or turned off. Around on the other side were some gas pumps and several parked cars, none of which were in good shape. Where the front doors were stood two men, which Elsa assumed were guards of some sort. Neither looked very pleasant, and both stared at them as they approached.
"Russia, my main man! How the hell are ya?" the large black man on the right said as he held out his hand.
"How many times do I need to tell you, fat fuck, that I am not Russian." It wasn't in anger that he said it. It sounded like it was a joke between friends. Sasha took the man's hand and, for some reason, they bumped shoulders. "How would you like it if I called you a nigger?"
"Alright, my bad. You lookin' for J-Dawg?" the man asked as he puffed on what looked like a cigar, although it smelled far worse than tobacco.
Sasha flashed them a grin and a nod. "Yes. I need to get my friend here a weapon, and Jonas can help."
That was when they noticed Elsa, who had stayed a few feet behind just as a precaution. "Yo, who is the sexy thang hangin' wichu?"
"Do not get any ideas. She is off limits." Sasha warned. "Try anything with her and I will kill you."
The man looked at his companion then threw his hands up in front of him in effort to calm Sasha. "No need to get all upset. I respect you and the lovely lady. How long have you been with her?"
Sasha rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue. "Kretyn. We are not together. I am helping her find her family."
The conversation was making Elsa feel very awkward. She was toying with the end of her braid, and was trying hard to not look either of the men in the eyes. What she really wanted to do was disappear.
The big man didn't take his eyes off of Elsa, which only made her feel worse. "Coo'. You might as well head on in. I'll radio J-Dawg that you're here."
They pulled the doors open and Sasha motioned for Elsa to follow. After they entered, he leaned down slightly to talk to her. "Stay close. I do not trust any of these men, especially Jonas. But he is our best chance of getting you a weapon. Do not leave my side for anything," he whispered as they headed to the back of the store.
There were a couple more guards standing outside the door heading into the office. As they approached, one of them knocked on the door without saying a word. Moments later, a voice called out from behind the door telling them to open it, then a scrawny black man with jewelry all over and some gold teeth waved them in.
"Ha ha! Sasha, my friend! Haven't seen you for a minute," the man said excitedly.
"Eh. I have not needed anything," he replied with a shrug.
The man looked over at Elsa and leaned forward in his chair. "And who is this lovely thang?"
"She is not a thing. She is a friend of mine, and I am helping her with something, so no funny business," Sasha warned again. "She needs a weapon. What do you have, Jonas?"
Jonas leaned back in his chair as he winked at Elsa. "You need a weapon. I need payment. It's that simple."
"Name your price."
"Well, I can think of a couple things I'll take as payment," Jonas replied, kissing at Elsa and winking.
Elsa drew herself closer to Sasha, almost hiding behind him. "I thought I told you no funny business. The girl is off limits."
Tilting his chair back, Jonas clapped his hands together then stretched them behind his head. "Of course. My apologies. I am a simple business man, and as a business man I try to make deals where possible. You are a long term client, and as such I am willing to cut you a deal. How about a week's supplies and ration tickets?"
"Sure, as long as we get everything we need," Sasha replied.
"I wouldn't try and cut you a bad deal. You get the gun, the ammo, everything. It comes as a complete package," Jonas reassured them.
Once the terms were agreed upon, Jonas motioned them to follow him to the storeroom. Inside were a few crates, as well as a few metal cabinets lining the walls. Walking up to the crates, he motioned for a couple of his goons to slide off the tops, revealing all manner of guns as if they were on display.
"Now then, my friend, what is the lovely lady looking for? As you can see, we have all sorts of weapons to suit your needs," Jonas said as waved his hand over the display in a grandiose fashion.
Sasha looked down at Elsa, thinking over what would be best for her. Compared to him she was tiny, and might not be able to handle much. "I think a 9mm would be perfect. Perhaps a Makarov."
A wide grin split across Jonas' face, and he reached into the wooden crate and pulled out a black pistol with a dark brown grip. "You're in luck, my friend. I just so happen to have some. You can thank our rebel friends for acquiring these weapon shipments and delivering them to us for a small payment." He handed the pistol over to Sasha, who carefully inspected it. "The Makarov PMM. The modernized version of the PM. Balanced grip, has ten-round and twelve-round magazines, and is lightweight enough that your lovely companion can handle it relatively easily. You'll find it is in mint condition, fresh from the factory. What do you think, my man?"
He turned the gun over in his hand, making sure everything was intact and as Jonas had claimed. Luckily, it checked out. "Alright, we have a deal," he said as he handed Elsa the gun, who took it nervously.
The trade went smoothly, and soon after Elsa had her own gun plus enough ammo to last a good long time. As they left, Elsa felt a weird sensation wash over her. She was scared of the gun, but she also felt relieved to have it. It was insurance that she might need to protect herself if she ever became separated from Sasha. It was bound to happen at some point, but she still hoped it'd never come to that. But more importantly, she might need it when she begins looking for her family. For Anna.
They walked a little down the road before finding a house to squat in for the night. Once again, it was as if the previous occupants had left in a hurry, because everything seemed to have been untouched. As they settled in for the night, Elsa decided it was time to rid herself of the dirt and grime that had taken over.
The water still worked, though it ran dirty for a few minutes after sitting for so long in the pipes. Once it was clean, she fidgeted with the dials until the temperature was to her liking. As she stripped down, she noticed that there were still all the self-care products necessary to feel fresh and clean again. It was actually far more than what she ever got back at the facility, so it was rather thrilling to her that she could use these and feel better about herself.
After a nice hot shower, and feeling the cleanest she had in a long time, she found a hairdryer and hairbrush in a drawer by the sink. Deciding to continue pampering herself, Elsa dried out her snowy blonde hair until it was smooth as silk and brushed out straight. Afterwards, she rebraided her hair and looked in the mirror. It was pleasant not seeing herself covered in filth. Then she saw something out of the corner of her eyes.
It was a makeup kit sitting on a shelf next to the mirror, and ever curious, Elsa pulled it down and looked inside to see what exactly it was. There were all manner of things inside, most of which she didn't know anything about. But she did remember back to her childhood when she and Anna sneaked into their mother's makeup drawer and played dress up. She had seen her mother put the stuff on countless times, so she sort of had an idea what to do. So, using those memories, she dug through the bag that contained a plethora of products.
Eventually, she found what she wanted and toyed with it. When she got the desired look and effect, and had stopped stabbing herself in the eyes, she looked in the mirror and was pleasantly surprised with what she saw. She looked pretty. From the extremely light flush on her freckled cheeks to the dark purple eyeshadow, she actually looked mature and beautiful. Or so she thought. She didn't really care what anyone else had to say, because she finally started to feel good about herself.
But there were still the scars. Scars from years of experimentation, and unfortunately, self-mutilation and self-harm. That was another dark secret she hadn't told Sasha. She had tried to take her own life on many occasions, just to stop the daily torture that Doctor Harvey put her through. She was always found and saved, although reprimanded and treated rather harshly for her actions. They never helped her with her depression either. In fact, they didn't seem to care. She was merely a test subject, not a person. Not something they gave a damn about, except for how much it would cost them to replace her. The others never seemed as important to Harvey as she did. From what she had heard from some of the staff, she was his favorite. He took more pleasure in testing on her than any of the others. Apparently, he felt that her powers were much stronger than the others, though she didn't really believe that. Not when there were kids that could blow things up with their minds. That seemed significantly more dangerous than hers, and should have been right up his alley.
Regardless, the scars were there and they were permanent. A constant reminder of a horrible time in her life. Even now, when she's running for her life and trying to find her family in the war-torn wasteland that used to be her city, she still felt more free and alive than she had for thirteen long, miserable years. She had another human to speak to that wasn't trying to do horrible things to her. A companion. Perhaps, at some point, she could come to call him a friend as well. She didn't think they were quite there yet, however. But, if he did like he promised and helped her find her sister and parents, then she could definitely call him a friend.
When she decided she was done thinking about things she couldn't change, she got dressed and headed back to the room she was going to sleep in. On the way, she passed by Sasha's room, and saw him lounging on the bed smoking a cigarette. She decided to lean against the doorway, fold her arms, and grin at him.
"You actually look relaxed. It's a nice change," she said teasingly.
Taking a long drag from his cigarette, Sasha barely turned his head to look at her. "You were in there a long time. Did it really feel that good?"
"Oh, I found some makeup in there, and decided I'd try it out. I think I did alright, considering I haven't ever done it before. I just have memories of my mother doing it, so that's what I went by," she explained.
He finally decided to turn his head and look at her for a minute, grinning as he did so. "Look at that. The pretty girl is now even prettier. You look more mature now. I like it."
"You do? You're not making fun of me?"
"Why the hell would I make fun of you? I have told you before that I think you are pretty and I meant it. I think you did a good job for someone who has never used makeup before," he reassured her.
Shrugging, Elsa rubbed her arms as she stared at the floor. "I don't know. You're the only person to have ever called me pretty before. Even with all my scars, you don't seem to be bothered by any of that. I just wanted to use the makeup to feel better about myself. Most of the time I feel ugly."
Sasha sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and pat the spot next to him, indicating to her to sit down. Without arguing, she did as he asked. "I am not the kind of person who lies to others. I will tell you the truth, no matter how painful it might be. You are a very beautiful young woman, and will someday make someone very happy. I can see that you are a good person, and even after years of being a prisoner, you are not some vicious animal or criminal. You are kind and loving. I can see this in you, even if you cannot see it in yourself. I have known you for over two days now, and in that short time I have figured you out pretty well. But in order to heal, you need to learn to love yourself. That is something I still struggle with as well."
They were quiet for several minutes, with Elsa sniffling and wiping her eyes. No one had ever told her those things before, and hearing it from someone she had only just met was something she never expected. He seemed to know her better than she did. He could look past her defects and see the person underneath. Maybe she really wasn't a monster after all. But he didn't know her dark secrets. He didn't know everything.
After she had calmed some, Elsa began toying with the end of her braid, something she always did when she was nervous. She didn't look at him, instead focusing on an imaginary spot on the floor. "There were a few times while I was at the facility that I tried to kill myself. That's how bad it was for me there. They did horrible things to me, to all of us, and we were powerless to stop them. When our parents came to visit us, we were forced to lie to them about our time there, telling them that we were doing well and enjoyed it. We lied to protect ourselves as well as our families. The head doctor there, Doctor Harvey, threatened to harm us and our families if we ever told them the truth. But who would believe us? They thought we were there to get treatment for our problems, and instead we were held prisoners and tortured."
"Why were you there? Why would you have been sent there to suffer through that?" Sasha asked quietly.
"I don't know really," she responded slowly. "Like I said before, it was because I hurt my sister."
Sasha shook his head, not believing her. "No. You do not get locked up for accidentally hurting someone, especially so young. There is more to this story. What are you not telling me?"
Elsa felt conflicted once more. She desperately wanted to tell him, but she didn't know how. He wouldn't believe her anyway. Besides, her powers have remained dormant since she escaped. Not so much as a tingle or spark, so it wasn't like she could show him. There was little she could do to convince him. A girl with supernatural powers wasn't very likely to ever happen in the real world.
Yet she was living proof of the contrary. Plus, he did believe her when she told him about her imprisonment, so maybe there was a chance he would believe her on this. After all, he was level-headed and rather intelligent. Maybe he had heard of people like her before, such as when he was in the military. It wasn't like she would be lying, but the story itself would seem far-fetched as it was. The whole thing made it hard for her to decide what to do.
"I can't tell you," she said softly, deciding to refrain from telling him. "I'm sorry. I want to so badly, but I can't."
Once again they sat in silence for a couple minutes, neither looking at the other. It almost felt awkward, but she had become comfortable around him after spending so much time with him in the last couple days. She knew she could trust him, but she was scared of what his reaction would be if she did tell him. She could lose him as a possible friend, or he could refuse to help her any further. Those were risks she wasn't willing to take right now.
"You mentioned you have a sister. What's her name?" Elsa asked, changing the subject.
Sasha frowned at the question, but answered it anyway. "I had a sister. Her name was Oksana. She was about your age when she died. She was pretty, like you, and was one of the sweetest people you would ever meet."
Still playing with her braid, Elsa looked up at him with sadness in her eyes. "I'm sorry. What happened?"
Taking a deep breath, Sasha sighed heavily before continuing. "She was murdered by some thugs in an alley. These thugs, they worked for a man named Pavlo Marchuk. A loan shark and shady business man."
"What's a loan shark?" Elsa asked innocently.
"Someone you borrow money from, and regret it after. If you do not pay them back, they do terrible things to you and your family," he explained.
Elsa shook her head in confusion. "Why would you ever borrow money from one then?"
Leaning forward, Sasha rested his forearms on his knees and sighed. "Because I was young, stupid, and desperate. I was in a lot of debt to a lot of people, and tried to pay them back with borrowed money. It was a big mistake, and I regret it to this day. I got my sister killed."
Elsa felt more depressed than she did before. She had no idea the tragedy that he had suffered through, and she wished she could help him in some way. It was a long road, trying to recover from the past. She knew all to well about that. Now, she was determined to do what she could for him. He had done so much for her, and still had much left to do. Now, it was her turn to repay the favor.
