Disclaimer: Honestly, if I owned DOGS Heine would probably kill me for making him do all this shit
Notes: I'm SO fuckin sorry you guys. I've no excuse for the lack of updates till now. Again, sorry.
Since I love KiraXsama SO much (and I was uber bored) I asked him what/where he wanted the boys to do/go, and his answer was something that made me die inside. In a good way, honest. Those who cringe at fluffish shit and public stupidity should probably skedaddle. Warnings are for language and groping, mostly. So basically for Badou.
Summary: "Dear Kes (KinkyEyepatchShit), just because you're a sexually deprived bat shit crazy whore, doesn't mean you can fuckin write about me boning my bitchy partner (no homo)….ANYWHO IF YOU WRITE ANYMORE OF THIS SHIT, I'LL BUST A CAP IN YO ASS." Silly Badou, crack is for Kes.
7. Dog Day Afternoon
"Why the hell are we here, again?" Heine demanded, shifting his scorching glare between the weaving crowd and the giddy redhead stuffing his face.
Badou rolled his eye and bit into his snow cone, dribbling cherry liquid over his lips and down his chin as he attempted to get his point across, hand gestures included. "Cuz we need a goddamn vacation. All this time we're busting our asses out there and not once have we gotten a day to just kick back and take it easy."
Heine snorted, anything but convinced. "We coulda done that anywhere else but here, shithead."
By here, he meant the excitable crowd, the scrambling children, the rides, and most of all: the elephant ears. ["Dude, they're not made from real elephants, yanno. Those'er extinct."]
"Lighten up, princess tightwad," Badou admonished whilst he thumbed a chunk of ice off his lips and onto his awaiting tongue. "Enjoy the sights, eat some junk food shit, and let ol' Badou show you a good time." By the end of his tirade he'd polished off the snow cone and had deposited the cone paper onto the ground. ["Some animal's gonna eat that and choke to death." "Since when have you ever given a fuck about preserving life?" "Touché." ]
Before Heine had the chance to go tell 'ol Badou' his exact opinion on the issue, [considering most of Heine's opinions ended in the maiming of others, things weren't looking up] the redhead interrupted him with a squawk, his single eye lighting up with what Heine would call enthusiasm had he any knowledge of said emotion for anything other than bloodshed.
"Let's go on that!" Badou chirped in much child-like fashion, snatching the bewildered albino by the wrist and proceeding to drag him to a platform with a number of red spherical seats bolted down to the floor.
Once they were seated [ not quite homely enough until you have an albino fuckhead trying to break your fingers, spitting curses in your face, snarling at small wailing children fearfully pleading for someone to make the meanie ghost stop biting that pirate man!] Heine took one look at the other seats occupied with chattering children and drunk couples, then slugged his partner one right in the gut.
"What the fuck was that for, bitchface?!" Badou breathed, rubbing at the sore spot and glowering, allowing time for air to rush back into his lungs before continuing his tirade. [if he didn't cut that shit out right now…he'd get it.]
"There was a bee on your shirt." The albino deadpanned. He nonchalantly gripped the metal safety bar restraining them, eyes hooded with boredom as the ride gradually began to shift, arching along the metal pathway of its home.
"LIAR!" Badou howled, shoving a cigarette between his lips for good measure.
"Shhh, it's starting," Heine (barely) crooned, eyes to the sky.
Badou was about to attempt a standing position, to tell Heine to fuck off, no body's gotta be quiet for this goddamn ride, you're s'possed to yell your balls off, now shut up and enjoy it damn you, however the speed of the ride suddenly lurched, the most holy of G-forces shoving him shoulder to shoulder with the albino, who merely glared at the skinonskin contact.
Badou managed a weak grin back at him and (not so) subtly slid his leg between Heines' as their seat wove in and out of the set path, inches away from a messy crash with other seats, red hair flying and blocking his vision, and whoa there, his tummy was starting to bubble in the most unpleasant of ways while the wind blew, the children screamed in delight, and Heine scowled hard enough to ignite clowns.
He prayed [to whoever was listening, God or Mother Earth, or fuckever] that if he did have to purge, it'd be right on that asshole's nice leather shoes. [He'd probably get his ass kicked into next Tuesday, but who the fuck wore leather shoes to a shitty carnival, anyway? Fuckhead was asking for it.]
He could tell that Heine wasn't having a good time [Notwithstanding how he'd taken one good look at the clown passing out balloons, stepped over the dirt threshold of the carnival, opened his mouth and stated, "This is fucking retarded. I'm not gonna have fun."] if the crossing of his arms and the down curled lips weren't evidence enough.
The albino must have seen the look on his face, or noticed the greenish pallor to his otherwise pale ass skin because his scowl deepened into a frown and he shouted with heartfelt feeling over the wind. "Puke on me and I'll rip your fuckin man tit off."
Badou couldn't wrestle his upset stomach as well as the irritable albino, thus he leaned his head against the back of the seat and closed his eye, the occasional dry heave rising to the surface. Unfortunately gravity and G forces weren't his friends, not back in the day, nor now, and his head was immediately pulled away from the hard metal seat and thrust against the fluffy white hair of his partner. Badou's eye shot wide open.
Oh damn, he was spinning, spinning, not even able to make out the blurry people shapes, and Heine's whole body had stiffened the second Badou's bright red locks mixed with his own snowy white. What the albino did next was anyone's guess. [ Badou deduced it'd all end in someone losing an eye, and then tears. He hoped it wasn't him, actually.]
One pale hand reached over, set itself upon his knee, and then drew back in an awkward pat. It repeated itself twice more. "Uh…there, there. Ride's almost over." Mumbled the baritone of his socially retarded partner.
This is just too damn much, Badou thought. He just couldn't help it. He took one look at the hand on his knee, imagined the wide eyed look on the albino's face, and then proceeded to bust out laughing.
Heine bristled on cue, wrenching his hand away with a scowl and a snarl. "Last time I ever comfort your ungrateful ass!"
Some time later, just as Heine had predicted, the ride came to a stop. The two men [puke-y and pissy, respectively] exited in a calm and timely fashion ["GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY, I'M GONNA HURL!"] and then brainstormed over a pair of sodas on what to do next. ["Shit, didja vomit your balls too?"]
Heine eyed his partner critically. "Should you really be drinking that after nearly puking your left nut?"
Badou chose to slurp obnoxiously on his beverage, searching for words. Finally, "And you give a shit because?"
Heine gave a sharp nod. "Good point. Its not your balls I'd miss, anyway." Suddenly, mid-slurp, something caught his eye. A slow twitch raised the corners of his lips into an almost smirk.
"I pick next. Let's go on that." He pointed to a rather gloomy backdrop; a creaky, aged, wooden two story house, complete with scratch marks across the wood and mildew stains marring the rails of the stairs.
Badou turned toward his partner, a scathing retort on his lips, [who the fuck decided we'd take turns? That's not how this relationship works, zombiefuck] until he saw it. His eye widened to the size of a dinner plate, straw shooting up his left nostril comically, jaw coming unhinged.
"That?" He squeaked, glancing at his partner in the desperate hope that he'd change his mind, or there'd be a gun fight to distract him. A very different circumstance greeted him.
Oh shit. He's pouting.
Displaying anything but a pout-ish pout, since his lip was neither jutted out nor between his teeth [more of a tremble-y frown] the albino gave him a look bordering bloodlust and desire. [It mostly said: we're doing it. No, not the it you want, cuz I'm gonna be a dickweed and make everything difficult.] The corners of Heine's lips curled higher, exhibiting a dangerous row of teeth ready to tear a new one.
"What, are you that big a chicken shit that you can't take a couple ghosts and a zombie or two?"
Badou grimaced, from the straw shoved up his nose and the whole idea. "Naw, I already deal with one zombie on a daily basis. If another one starts to nibble at me I dunno what I'll do." He unhooked the straw from his nostril, took a sip, then thought better of booger infested coke and tossed it.
"…Are you flirting with me?"
"Fuck no."
"Mmkay then." Heine's eyes hardened with renewed determination. "We're getting on this shitty ride."
Ten minutes and three traumatized children later [Look here, Heine was responsible: he should've known better than to inform the redhead of the smooshed skittles he had in his ass pocket] Badou found himself seated in yet another little metal car, except this time it was a tad more comfortable and there were, from what his PI instincts had told him while they were still outside in the glorious sunlit ghost-free zone, two straight couples seated behind them. One of which consisting old farts. The logic behind that escaped Badou, when taking into consideration the heart attack ratio in old people. [Oh why did that cumbucket insist on the front row seat? Scratch that, Badou knew it was to torture him. The assturd.]
So they eased along the rusty track at an agonizingly slow pace in the near-darkness, pausing long enough for each scheduled spook to jump out at random intervals and scare the beejeezus out of them. [definitely not one called Badou, no sir]
Had he had his eye open, Badou would've judged how his partner was enjoying (fat chance) the ride. However the redhead had his eye squeezed shut, palms covering the patch as well as his shut eye, plus he was doubled over so far forward that his forehead touched the metal safety bar. [Ah, just like the womb.]
However, judging by the un-amused sigh from beside him, Heine was disappointed for the second time in a row.
Tossing Badou's latest speculation down the shithole, a zombie with mauled and rotten skin hanging off its bleach pale bones burst from the darkness, on Badou's side of the car mind you, and let out a pained groan, complete with gaping hungry mouth. As expected Badou erupted into a high pitched shriek to add to the symphony of screaming females behind him and promptly jumped halfway into the lap of a startled Heine.
"HOLY SHIT!" Badou voiced what everyone on the ride was thinking and squashed his palms tighter against his eyes. ["What the hell is that gonna do? You can't see, dumbshit." "FUCK YOU. IT HELPS MY PHYCHE." ]
A skeptical snort from beside him. "You have your damn eye closed, no reason to get your panties all in a bunch."
Badou growled low in his throat and whipped his head in Heine's general direction, lips twisted into a scowl. "YOU LEAVE MY PANTIES OUT OF THIS. fuck- I mean zombies are freaky!" At the noticeable silence returned, he continued. "YEAH YOU TOO."
Badou felt the albino bristle with indignation, then a hand wrapped around his upper arm and attempted to haul him out of the others lap. "Then get the hell offa me if you suddenly think I'm creepy, asshole. (you didn't exactly call me freaky last night. At least not in a bad way.)"
"Don't haveta tell me twice, motherfucker! You're creepy as hell, always have been always fuckin will be!(you shut the fuck up about that. Never call yourself freaky in the sexual way in my vicinity ever again. Makes me wanna hurl)."
And suddenly, he noticed it. The tell-tale fifth appendage insistently poking his leg. Wrenching his hands from his eye(s), he twisted toward Heine, mouth dropping open.
"DUDE. YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKIN HAVE A BONER RIGHT NOW? I KNEW YOU WERE FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD BUT I SHOULDA FIGURED YOU GOT OFF TO THIS KINDA SHIT. YOU FUCKWIT."
Heine opened his mouth to toss a scathing retort back, however in order to thoroughly ruin the mood, a swamp [well, it might have been from the swamp. Did have leaves and mud seaweed hanging from its body…okay, sea monster?] creature shuffled from out of the void of darkness and howled obnoxiously.
A kind of awkward silence settled upon the car, effectively hushing the snuggly couples (and sleepy elder couple) in the back into quiet.
Only to be trounced by Badou's impromptu opinion. "FUCK OFF!"
The monster stared, lowered its previously raised arms, and shuffled through the concealed [my ass] back door, muttering sullenly about his contract misinterpreting the interaction of the audience.
Heine cleared his throat. "Look man, I don't have a boner. You're just hearing things."
Badou could only stare in stunned silence. "…..What?"
Heine wiggled in his seat as a response, predictably crossing his arms over his chest and scowled. "Just what I said, asshat. Clean out them ears and listen."
His face was the very picture of severity, that is until Badou reached between their intertwined legs and grabbed the albino's clearly apparent hard on through his pants, screaming, "YOU FEEL WITH YOUR COCK, NOT HEAR, COCKBREATH!"
Heine groaned and clapped a heavy hand over his mouth, mechanically bucking into his partners hand, while his own free hand gripped the safety bar in front of them for dear life. Badou smirked, fear momentarily forgotten, and leaned in closely to the point of breathing huskily into the albino's ear, crimson hair draped across Heine's shoulder and tickling his cheek.
"How do ya like me now, bitch?" To emphasize the point he tugged hard, eliciting a strangled moan to seep through the cracks of Heine's fingers.
"Oh, young love," a reedy thin voice wheezed from the back of the car. "Remember when we made love in the Tunnel of Love, Harold?" A symphony of snores responded for the old man.
Badou and Heine were a bit busy engaging in tonsil hockey to comment on the loving couple, eventually managing to squash the albino into one corner of the seat, fly down, while the redhead locked his knees against Heines, trapping him against a hard place and two hard places [a.k.a their cocks]. But thankfully that was momentarily taken care of.
Unfortunately they found themselves rudely interrupted by the light and the gawking crowd at the end of the tunnel.
Badou released Heine's mouth with a pop, straightened up, smoothed back his hair with a palm, and wiped the imaginary dust [and real cum] from his hands.
"There's nothing to see here folks, move along. Nothing to see here, yep, he just uh, had a problem with his zipper, uh huh. I was helping him, that's it. No molestation or hand jobs involved."
Heine snarled, shoved the redhead from his lap, and evacuated the ride. "Yeah," he played along for once. "I had some of the skin caught."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Badou frowned around his fresh cigarette, eyes darting from side to side in a sweep of the premises for his moronic- rather, badass partner. Clamoring children, lovely couples, chick with big titties [his eye lingered a tad more than necessary], more couples, more children, and a group of titties- er, fetching young women. But alas, no moody albino asshole.
"Where the fuck is that skank? I go to piss, two minutes flat, and he just takes off! Son of a bitch."
He cocked his hands on his hips and turned, gaze unexpectedly falling upon the pucker-y lips of what appeared to be a goldfish, merrily dog (fish) paddling in place.
"WHAT THE FUCK!?" He yelped, jumping about a foot away from the abomination.
Heine thrust the temporary home of the pudgy goldfish toward Badou, blinking owlishly at the redhead. "Here."
Badou's frown grew immensely. "The hell am I supposed to do with this?"
"Jeffry."
"Huh?" Badou raised an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth sagging. He prayed zombiefuck wasn't expecting him to eat it or some shit. Because that was just savage, and the time he speared a dead bird and held it up to his mouth was just acting. He wasn't really gonna eat it, honest. He'd rather eat shit from Kiri's place.
Using the element of surprise, the albino snatched Badou's hand and wrapped it around the knot on the plastic bag. "This is Jeffry. He's yours. Welcome."
That said, Heine spun on his heel and stalked away, expecting the redhead to follow.
Badou scowled. He plucked the cigarette from his lips. Spewed a stream of smoke into the thick humid air. Raised the plastic bag at eyelevel and stared.
"Creepy little bugger, aren't ya?" Then he lowered the fish to his side and pranced after the albino, neither grateful for the present nor amused by being left behind.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heine mewled into the sour cigarette laced mouth covering his, fingers working the fly of Badous jeans as the redhead tugged the albino's pants past his knees to settle in a bunch around his ankles, cursing colorfully as he battled with, and successfully maneuvered one pale leg out of the pant leg, sliding between the parted thighs.
"About fuckin time," Heine hissed as he pulled up for air, simultaneously freeing Badou's almost painfully hard cock from its confines. He wrapped his fingers around it and began to stroke, sending Badou's shuddering form lunging for his lips again, gun calloused fingers lugging the albino's pumping hand away not long after.
"I don't fuckin think so." Badou snarled, pinning Heine's hand to his side, the other drawing one of the albino's legs back, displaying the prize of the night to the stale air of the carriage. He aligned his already wet cock, nudged the head just past the clenching ring of muscle, and looked up with bated breath.
"Sweet buttery Jesus. Heine-"
Heine waited for the initial 'you're so fuckin tight,' or 'nngh, its so good.' Certainly not: "That goddamn fish is staring at me! Make 'm stoppit!"
So Heine did what anyone else thrown into the situation would.
"Badou." He yanked Badou's chin back toward his face, his mouth slipping open to exhibit two rows of sinister sharp teeth as he snarled a warning. "If you fucking don't move right now, I'll make your shitty cock 'stoppit.' Permanently. Comprende?"
Badou, needing not to be told twice, or hell, once, nodded. "Si…" And slammed his hips forward.
There were many things that could (and would) go wrong when fucking in an elevated ride, aside from the creepy fish's ogling.
The main one being the landing.
Badou climbed off of Heine, swept his damp hair back from his face, straightened up, and wiped his wet hands of imaginary dust and real cum.
"Nothing to see here folks, he was having a heart attack! I was uh…giving him mouth to mouth, yeah. Not fuckin him in the Ferris Wheel carriage, nope."
Heine rolled his eyes and hauled his pants up from around his ankles. "Badou, do your goddamn fly up."
Badou's eye dared to peek down. "Haha, whoops."
Ziiiiiip went the zipper.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Holy shit that was probably the weirdest/coolest thing I've ever written. Yes, seriously. Thanks for reading! So far this is the longest I've made any DOGS!related drabble of mine. So, yay me! Hopefully I'll be updating more regularly. Please, PLEASE don't give up on me yet. I'm striving to make this the best, and your support helps me a great deal! If you have any prompts you'd like to throw at me, or even something you'd like to see happen, just drop me a line, ya'll. I can't guarantee I'll do it for sure as a full on drabble, but I sure as hell will fit it into an OMAKE. So I'll shut up now and let you review. As always, I LOVE YOU GUYS TONS. I ALSO LOVE JEFFERY. Cuz he's adorable. Also times 2, THANKS A BUTTLOAD to KiraXsama for being the epitome of awesome sauce, and omgpotatochips (I have no idea what your pn is on here) for listening to my bitching and giving me advice. YOU'RE BOTH AMAZING.
As always, review baby. -wink-
