Chapter Seven: Carina Wishes Remus Wasn't Right

"Sit down," Remus said sharply upon entering his office, which Carina did without question, more because she'd never seen Remus look so angry at anyone, let alone her, than anything else.

Remus followed up his comment by walking out of the room, leaving behind one very confused Carina Black. It was ten minutes before he came back, this time followed by a confused looking James Potter, and Carina's heart sank. Oh, please don't make me explain this to him… "Carina, I'd suggest you start talking, now. Maybe begin with how it is that map landed in your hands, and somewhere in there, will you let us know what the HELL you were thinking sneaking out like that!?"

Okay, Remus Angry Scary. "I – " she started, and then stopped. She didn't want to get the twits in trouble over this, even if she didn't like them.

"The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth," Remus said, almost as if reading her mind.

"Fred and George gave it to me," she muttered. "They were just going to show it to me, probably so that I'd note the secret passages or something, but I recognized it and – " Carina cut herself off again, and then, "Itoldthemiwaspadfootsdaughtersotheydgiveittome," she said in one breath.

Remus' eyes narrowed, James just looked a bit confused. "Can you say that again? Preferably in English?"

"I told them I was Padfoot's daughter so that they'd give me the map," she whispered guiltily.

Why was it upsetting her now, when she'd been nothing but excited at the time? Both visits to Hogsmeade, there hadn't been any guilt or worry, and now here it was piling up. But, she knew without thinking for long, that the reason she felt guilty now was that she was letting herself think about the full ramifications, about what she'd been risking, and about… her dad had sacrificed his life to protect her, and she had taken advantage of his name to do something that could easily have gotten her killed.

If Remus had been scary before, Carina thought with a shudder, James was now about fifteen times more scary than that. But the angry look was quickly replaced with a blank expression, and in just as empty a voice, he said, "I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and let you explain this before I react. I'd suggest you hurry on your explanation."

Carina bit her lip. "I was going stir crazy in here, I wanted to get out, the opportunity presented itself and I took advantage of it. I'd planned not to go back, just to go the once in December, but…" she faded off, unsure of herself. "You sent the invisibility cloak and I was so frustrated, and MERLIN, I wanted to get out of this place, I wasn't even going to say anything to anyone, but Malfoy was insulting Hermione, Ella, and 'Rea, and I lost my temper, and when I was trying to get away the cloak slipped and Malfoy ran off to told Professor Snape."

Right, Carina realized once she managed to make herself shut up, that had not been the best way to explain all of it.

"Where is the cloak now?" James asked evenly.

How do they do that? Carina wondered, How do they always keep calm even when it's obvious that they're furious?

"Behind the statue of the one-eyed witch," she answered him quietly.

"You know," he said softly, "I seem to remember you promising that you would be careful this year."

"…I was careful, I didn't even – " Carina cut herself off and said reluctantly, "All right, you have a point there. I'm sorry. I fully intended to keep the promise at the time, I didn't expect that Hogwarts could honestly be so boring…"

James held up a hand. "Stop." He said evenly.

"Wha'?" Carina asked in confusion.

"Anything you say right now is likely to make me more angry than I already am, and believe me when I say that you do not want that," James told her, still not sounding the slightest bit angry.

Carina really hated that. For all she knew, he could be laughing at this (she really doubted it, though) because he was showing absolutely NO emotion. She was beginning to wonder if someone had given him a calming potion before bringing him here.

"You – " James shook his head. "I can't believe you actually did this. I can't believe you truly did something so utterly stupid, that went directly against a promise you made, several rules, and could have gotten you killed. What – never mind, I don't want to know what you were thinking. And you obviously don't have a logical explanation. I need –" James cut himself off. "Remus, will you please make sure that my goddaughter is still here when I get back? I need to control my temper."

Carina was caught between guilt and fear. He hadn't even looked at her. Sure, she knew he'd said he'd never do what that Boggart had said, but then, she hadn't just done something so stupid at that point, either, had she?

She barely even noticed when James left, or that Remus was marking essays, she was too busy lost in her own thoughts. Yes, she'd wanted out of the castle, but Merlin, she could have gone home for Christmas if she was that desperate! Who was she kidding, and what was the real reason she'd wanted to sneak out so badly, because that seemed to be eluding her.

"I don't know why," she said softly, and Remus looked up at her.

"You don't know why what?" he asked quietly, putting his quill down.

"Why I wanted to sneak out so badly. There was no reason, not really, if I'd just wanted away from the castle I could have gone home for Christmas, but I can't figure out why it was that I wanted to do it if that isn't the reason!" Carina ranted in frustration. What was wrong with her? She should have just stayed inside, books had entertained her well enough for ten years, why would they stop now? And Merlin, a castle compared to a cupboard: she should have been in heaven here! "What is wrong with me?" she groaned.

Remus looked at her thoughtfully. "Well, you know the reasons that aren't possible, so look at the ones that are possible." He pointed out.

"What do you think?" she asked, looking at him hopefully.

"I think that you must have taken leave of your senses, because the Carina Black I've gotten to know over the last few years would never have done something so idiotic." Remus answered honestly.

"That was so helpful," Carina muttered sarcastically. "I mean, for Merlin's sake, Remus, I've been telling myself that I just needed some space, I wanted to get out of the castle, but I spent the vast majority of ten years living in a cupboard with books as my only company! It wasn't ever a problem them, and I honestly don't think it is now! Where is logic when I need it?!"

"Apparently, you lost it sometime around Christmas," Remus answered shortly. "Finding it again would likely be very helpful for you, so I suggest you try."

Carina sighed and silence once again fell over Remus' office.

Carina was beginning to think that the boys had a point: girls were impossible to understand, herself included. She could not figure out for the life of her what her real reasons were. She knew what she'd told herself, but she also knew that she didn't believe it.

This was all Pettigrew's fault, anyway, she thought grumpily, and it hit her like an anvil.

She buried her head in her hands and shook it.

"What is it, Carina?"

"I'm even more stupid than I thought I was," she said bleakly. "I mean, it'd be kind of logical to just want out of the castle when most of my friends are getting to do so every few months, but for such a pathetic, insane, risky, idea as that…"

"You figured it out?" Remus asked, once again putting his quill down.

Carina nodded miserably, but before she could explain, James entered the office again.

Apparently the last hour had helped him calm down, because he just seemed less angry, even though he still looked more or less the same as he had when he'd left. "What did our dear Carina figure out?" he asked Remus.

"The real reason she went to Hogsmeade," Remus answered before she could. "Because, as she realized, her previous reason was so flimsy it barely even fooled her."

Carina flinched. "Not like this one is much better," she mumbled in self-disgust. This once again drew their attention back to her, and she shifted uncomfortably. "I was hoping that he'd come after me."

You could have heard a feather hit the floor, it was so silent, until James asked, "WHAT?!"

"I was hoping that he'd come after me, so that I could capture him, get revenge and prove that I'm not helpless," she whispered, refusing to look at either of them. "And here you thought just wanting to get out of the castle was bad," she said with self-hatred evident in her tone.

"You put yourself in danger… because you wanted to be in danger?"

"Kind of," she said uneasily. When it was put like that, it sounded even worse than it had before.

"Sweet Merlin, Carina, why would you want that?" James asked, running his hands through his annoyingly messy hair.

Carina bit her lip, thinking, before she answered, "There are so many reasons, and none of them hold an ounce of logic or reason."

James looked frustrated.

"I'm sorry."

"And that makes this situation so much better," James said dryly. "Two years ago, you had the excuse of not being used to someone caring whether you lived or died, were in trouble or not. By this point, I'm sure that you are used to it. Merlin, do you know what it would do to me if you died, 'Rina?" he asked softly.

Carina nearly flinched at the tone of his voice, but managed not to – barely. She just shrugged in response.

"Your Saturday's for the rest of this school year will be spent in detention with Remus," James told her in one of those don't-argue-with-me tones.

"'Kay," she murmured.

James crouched down in front of the chair she was sitting on and looked at her seriously, "'Rina, I don't want to lose you, and you were being foolish and putting yourself in danger. I cannot accept that – I refuse to. Please don't put yourself in anymore danger, 'Rina. Pettigrew isn't worth it, you're worth hundreds of him, and he isn't worth your time. He is evil and cowardly, but he WILL be caught, I promise you that."

Carina nodded in response.

"I'm going to go back home now," James said quietly. "I would ask you to promise me that you'll stay safe, but I already know that doesn't mean much, does it?" he asked humorlessly.

Carina desperately wanted her pillow so that she could bury her head in it. Seeing as the pillow she wanted was in her room at home, she settled for burying her head in the cushioned back of her chair.

"Carina?"

"Yea, Remus?" she responded quietly.

"You know that you should probably be getting back to your common room, don't you?"

Carina nodded wordlessly, staring at the ceiling as if it were the most fascinating thing she had ever seen in her life.

"You know, Flower, he had every right to be even more angry than he was."

Carina forced herself to look away from ceiling. "You're right, he did. I was, as usual, being a complete idiot without considering the affects of my actions. Gods, you'd think I was a Gryffindor… no, Remus, I don't doubt that he the right be to be angry with me. You're both right, I was being foolish and taking needless risks. This is just one of those times that I wish you weren't right."

"Wishes aren't going to change it," Remus pointed out. "But it's only an hour 'til curfew, so I'd suggest you hurry up Ravenclaw tower."

"Right," Carina said, standing up and looking around for a second before walking the door, "Bye, Remus," she whispered as she left. She didn't even consider going somewhere other than Ravenclaw tower, right now she just needed to think. And figure out how it was that she'd become so stupid in the last year.

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Monday February 14th 1993

"'Rina?"

Carina groaned and waved her hand irritably towards the voice that was trying to wake her up. "G'way," she mumbled.

"Sorry, 'Rina, but you really need to get up," Hermione's voice came apologetically. "Professor Flitwick wants to talk to you, and we have ancient runes in half an hour."

Carina moaned and forced her eyes open. "Do I have to?" she whined.

"Sorry," Hermione said again. "But you do. He said that it was important, so I'd suggest that you hurry, as well."

Carina groaned. "Fine, fine," she mumbled, rolling off of her bed and landing on the dormitory floor with a dull thump.

Five minutes later, Carina was reluctantly decent enough to leave the dorm, and she made her way to her head of houses office, knocking lightly on the door. "Professor Flitwick? It's Carina."

"Come in, Miss Black," the squeaky voice came.

Carina pushed the door open and entered.

"Please, take a seat," Flitwick offered, before getting to the point. "Last year, you remodeled what is often known as the forbidden loo among girls. You have since then taken it up as a place to spend time with your friends away from the common room and classes, and even managed to make it password protected, which I confess to being very proud of."

Flitwick paused, and Carina asked worriedly, "Do I have to put it back the way it was?"

"No, Miss Black," Flitwick assured her. "But we would appreciate it if you and your friends were discreet about your 'room', because I've had several requests for people to have their own. There are quite a few empty rooms in this castle, but many people refuse to believe that you and your friends did the work on your own. I called you here to ask you if you would demonstrate some of your transfiguration and charms skills in front of the group of people who are complaining to me, as proof that you did it on your own."

Carina stared at him in shock. "Umm… I guess…" she said uneasily.

"I'll contact you with the time," he told her. "I believe you have a class to get to."

Carina nodded. Time for ancient runes.