Awakening
Chapter Seven: Bonds
I found it strange that, at the same time, I could feel a sense of relief while also feeling so torn up inside that it seemed as if the whole world was crumbling around me. Granted, I'm not the most experienced person when it came to strong emotions, but I was pretty sure this wasn't normal. Though I couldn't begin to try and understand them, the fact was not lost on me that I could now see them for what they were. I was slave to them no longer.
Starfire had set me free...
Slow burn...
–Jinx–
Her words were heavy. The Starfire in front of me was not the bubbly little princess that irked me in ways I couldn't understand. No, this was the radiant, golden warrior that I deeply respected. Respected, again, in ways I couldn't understand. Slowly, the twinge of heartache from my initial assumptions faded and I stepped back inside, motioning for the alien girl to follow.
"Come inside, we can talk." Starfire nodded and descended to the walkway to follow me in. I closed the door and took my time with the lock, resting my head against the wood while trying to gather up the willpower to deal with the oncoming emotional roller coaster.
"Was it my fault?" I asked, unwilling to turn around and meet her emerald gaze.
"What do you mean?"
I sighed.
"I'm guessing you got a little peek into the future too, right? Was it my fault that the two of you weren't happy?" I asked, feeling pathetic at the wavering bit of hope in my voice. "Did she still have feelings for me or something?"
Starfire was quiet for a long while before answering.
"No."
Goddess, that hurt more than I would ever admit.
"In the future I saw we were the best of friends forever," Starfire clarified.
I couldn't help the little snort of laughter. The idea of being BFF's with Starfire almost as ridiculous as the way she'd said it.
"You've got to be kidding me." I said.
"I am not!" she said, voice raising with indignation. "You were our dearest friend and helped us during a most terrible time. It was my fault. I..."
My stomach lurched as my own heartrending glimpse into the future returned, unbidden, to my thoughts. I knew exactly what Starfire was feeling and I couldn't help but sympathize with her, despite my dislike of the alien girl.
"It hurts," I whispered, cradling my childless belly.
I could feel a warmth radiating from her. It took me a moment to realize what it was. Compassion.
"I saw your future inside of Raven's mind." Starfire said, "In my hearts I understand the loss that you are feeling."
Anger blossomed in the pit of my stomach at such a casual revelation of the invasion of something so deeply private.
"I am sorry, friend Jinx," she continued, "it was forced upon me without my choosing. I wish for you to know of my future as well, so that you too may understand my feelings, but it is too painful for words. I would much prefer to show you."
I gritted my teeth, fighting the boiling anger down to a low simmer. I had no idea what circumstances led to her seeing my vision, but Starfire was simply incapable of lying. She hadn't done it on purpose and didn't deserve me lashing out about it.
I sighed, and turned to face her.
"And just how the hell are-"
She kissed me. She kissed me with a passion and purpose that I would have thought impossible for someone facing such emotional turmoil. Weakened as I was by my own shambled mess of a mental state, I couldn't stop the instinctual response of my body. My hands came up to grip her sides as I leaned into the kiss. It was like her tongue was pumping pure liquid desire into my mouth. I felt my entire body flush with sudden arousal for the alien princess. I couldn't tell you how long the kiss lasted before the little voice in the back of my mind finally woke up and slapped some sense into the rest of me. I lurched forward, the motion sluggish, as the hands that had been climbing up to her ample breasts shoved her away. Seemingly as addled as I was, Starfire stumbled back and fell flat on her ass. She looked at me, confused.
"What?! What the hell was that? Why would you kiss me?" I groaned, sickened by my body's response to the contact.
"I... I thought that you would be able to see the future that I did through a kiss. Like with Raven and the image of you inside of her mind."
I stared at her, dumbfounded.
"That only happened because of Raven's magic, why the hell did you think that would work between us?! And what image of me inside her mind?" I asked, irritable, forcefully averting my eyes from the nibble marks trailing up the insides of her thighs.
Starfire started to speak, then stopped. The faraway look in her eyes as she relived her own vision was easy to recognize. All at once she collapsed into heartbroken sobs. I rubbed my temples. The whole situation, combined with my now thrice denied sexual frustration, was beginning to settle into a nasty headache.
Feeling utterly exhausted, I stumbled over to the kitchen and put the kettle back on the stove before making my way to the linen closet and retrieving a spare blanket. I half-helped, half-dragged the sobbing mess of a girl over to the sofa and wrapped her in the blanket. I returned to the kitchen to wait for the water to boil, and hopefully for Starfire to settle down. A few minutes later, two mugs of tea in hand, I approached the still trembling girl and pressed one into her hands.
"Drink up, it'll help calm you down a little."
She nodded, sniffled, and took a sip, instant disgust appearing on her face.
"It tastes of the board of cards."
The momentary flash of irritation was quickly replaced as the Starfire-speak translated into proper words, the image of her taking a large bite out of a piece of cardboard flashing through my mind. The exhaustion mixed with the absurdity of it all and I found myself laughing. After a while Starfire joined in, spurring my own laughter on into deep belly chuckles. We continued like that for several minutes before the weight of it all became too much to bear. Leaning against one another for the comfort neither of us would have admitted we needed, we cried until we fell asleep.
–
–Raven–
"You're being surprisingly calm about this," Robin said, the barest hint of accusation in his voice. I've heard it so many times beneath his words that I had to wonder if he even realized it was there. "Considering..."
I didn't open my eyes or speak as I hovered above the tower in meditation. It was surprisingly hard to maintain. The wonderful sensation of mirth bubbled to the surface, causing the corners of my mouth to raise almost imperceptibly. Such wonderful and exciting things I'd been able to truly feel in the month since Starfire ended the emotional war within me. I could sense Robin shift his weight slightly and decided I'd teased him long enough.
"Starfire told me she'd return to me and that everything would be glorious." A full, perhaps even radiant, smile appeared on my face at the memory. I couldn't have prevented its spread if I tried. I couldn't imagine ever wanting to do so. "I trust her."
"Even so, it'd still be nice if we knew where she was so we could at least make sure she was okay."
My smile faltered and I finally opened my eyes, regarding him. He was standing straight-backed and was clearly uncomfortable, causing me to ponder if he was somehow even less experienced in romance than I was. I turned away from him and looked to the city, a hint of concern clouding over my cheer.
"I know where she is. I trust that she knows what she's doing. Though, for the life of me I can't understand why she would go there. Maybe, just maybe... they won't kill each other."
-Starfire-
"Get out!" Jinx bellowed, one hand attempting to cover herself while shaking the brush of toilets at me with the other.
"I will not! The Best Friends Forever are supposed to accompany each other to expel waste from their bodies. It is tradition!"
"I'm not your Goddess-damned BFF! I don't even like you! You suck! I've never been a 'tee-hee lets go pee' girl and I never will. So piss off!"
"I believe it is you that is supposed to be doing the pi-" Starfire hurriedly ducked behind the door with a squeak as Jinx let out a roar of supreme rage and hurled the brush of toilets at her. Starfire giggled mischievously and peeked around the door. "You are most adorable when you are trying so hard to be angrier at me than you feel!" she said in a teasing, sing-and-song way that always got a joyous reaction from her host and best friend forever.
Jinx balled her hands into fists and took several deep breaths.
"Look, bitchcess," Jinx said through clenched teeth. I've put up with a lot of your bullshit these past two months. The invasions, no, the full on murder of my privacy, the destruction of my kitchen every time you cook your weird alien shit!"
"But you consume the delicious treats every time that I-" Jinx silenced her with the glaring of death.
"The inability to go to sleep at a decent hour because you're either: A) Watching cartoons at some ungodly volume, B) Crying over your vision which makes me cry over my vision, something I very much don't need, or C) Sneaking into my bed and doing your damnedest to cuddle me to death with that freakish strength of yours!"
Starfire pressed her fingertips together, eyes averted.
"I understand now that it is difficult to live in such closeness with another. I am most grateful that-"
Jinx ignored her completely and carried on.
"It pisses me off that your periods are so light and easy. You both talk, and punch, in your sleep! When you masturbate it feels like a freaking earthquake is shaking the building. Now, I appreciate a sexy alien frigging herself into oblivion as much as the next girl," Starfire felt her body reacting with shyness and joy. Such compliments from her pink-haired friend were rare and often not said on purpose, but they always filled her hearts with joy. "but given that you scared off the last two girls that I tried to bring home for some damned necessary -because of all the reasons listed above- good old fashioned, no strings attached sexual gratification, I'm dying here!"
"You do not need those stands of one night! It is a most joyous of bonding rituals on Tamaran to share one's self-loving with the closest of friends. "
"This isn't fucking Tamaran!" Jinx hissed, hands curling into claws. "And we're not the closest of friends! You're literally an obstacle to my happiness!"
"You do not mean your words." Starfire said indignantly, huffing and turning away from her friend. The toilet flushed, something Starfire counted as a victory in her plan to accompany Jinx to the room of bathing. "You say all of these hurtful things but there is no righteous anger in them."
Jinx muttered darkly as she went about washing her hands and then roughly shoved the door, and Starfire with it, aside as she exited.
"There's some righteous anger in them!" she growled, looking at Starfire with an exhausted glare. Eventually, though, the look softened into something else. "Look, all I'm asking for is a little space, a little compromise on a few details of our living arrangement. Not much, just the most simple of things would be lovely," Jinx gestured up and down at Starfire.
"What do you mean?" Starfire asked, tilting her head curiously.
"Could you please just put some damn clothes on for once?! I'm frustrated enough without you waving those things in my face!"
Starfire followed Jinx's gaze down to her exposed breasts and grinned mischievously before arching her back in a manner she knew would be pleasing for any being to witness. Jinx let out a long, tired sounding sigh.
"I will return to wearing clothing if you agree to let me give you the cuddles of friendship at night without kicking me onto the floor. That is a compromise, yes?"
"That's extortion!" Jinx shouted, eventually pulling her eyes up to Starfire's. The alien girl gave her the most radiant and innocent smile she could summon and Jinx's shoulders slumped. "I give up..."
She didn't even try to fight as Starfire bounded forward with a giggle to wrap her up in a flying tackle-hug.
-Raven-
The nightmares came so suddenly. I'd gotten so distracted, no, enraptured by the growing bond that when it suddenly unraveled to the barest thread my empathic link greedily drank in all of the pain and turmoil. My magic seized upon the sudden influx of emotional energy and created visions of all of my deepest, darkest fears to torment me in my sleep. For the first time since truly embracing my freedom I felt my control slipping. I was terrified.
I spent the entire day and night at my window, looking in the direction of Jinx's apartment. It would be a continuous struggle to resist the urge to go to them, to take them in my arms and tell them how sorry I was for bringing this misery to their lives. In the end I resisted, holding onto the trust I felt for the women I loved. I couldn't tell you what was said, or even who said it, but it nearly destroyed everything we had all suffered for...
-Jinx-
When I came to I was sitting naked in the middle of my living room, arms wrapped around my legs, rocking back and forth. Fragments, small flashes assaulted my mind. My fist crashing against Starfire's horror-stricken face reflected in the bathroom mirror. I looked down at the hand and found it poorly wrapped in one of her flimsy tank-tops. I flexed it. It was stiff and sore, but it didn't seem like anything was broken.
A bolt of panic suddenly shot through me and I swept my eyes across the room. The place was a little trashed, but nothing beyond the usual aftermath of one of our rowdy Girl's Nights.
"Starfire?" I called, my voice cracking horribly.
I brought up my, thankfully uninjured, other hand and rubbed at my sore throat. I must have done a lot of screaming and a lot of crying to wear out a throat long abused by shouting over a bunch of delightfully unruly lesbians at the club.
"Starfire, are you here?" I tried again.
Silence.
Fear overwhelmed concern. I rose, shakily, having to pause as I hit a wall of stiffness in my lower back. Another flash of memory; Starfire standing over me in the same position with a mixture of bitterness and pity clouding her normally smiling face. I cry out at the misery that look summons and force myself to rise fully. I hurriedly stumbled through the apartment to search for her. Finding nothing, I tore open the doors of my closet, catching sight of a terrified, one-horned madwoman in the full length mirror. For a moment I don't even recognize myself, then another flash: Starfire on top of me, wrestling with my wounded hand as it clawed at the bands holding my hair in place.
"What did you do?" I whisper to my reflection, then shouting, "How did you fuck up this time?!" tears began to fall.
The anger faded to sadness. I took a quivering breath before pulling free the remaining bands to let all of my hair fall down my back. Stifling a sob I throw on an overcoat, not wanting to waste the time trying to find suitable clothes. One last look at myself, I wipe petulantly at the falling tears for a moment before giving up and deciding it would have to do. Another flash hits me as I reach for the door: Starfire, tying the fabric around my hand before turning and running out the door as I reached for her.
I looked at the clock, trying to think of where she could have gone. An urgent and maddening desire to sprint out the door after her gnawed at me but I shook my head, knowing that I would never find her like this. Slowly I shifted my aching body into a starting stance. The motions were difficult at first, but I moved through the kata and felt both my muscles and my chakras beginning to unwind. I reached out and grasped that waning tendril of my fortune-charged magic, every fiber of my being begging it to help me find her.
My stomach growled.
"Of course," I murmured, a small smile spreading across cracked lips.
I threw open the door and sprinted out into the dawn. I knew exactly where she would be.
My muscles burned as I passed the vendor cart just before the pier. Three mornings a week I would buy Starfire two corndogs and a soft pretzel for myself as we walked along the waterfront that looked out onto Titans Tower. I thanked the magic and the universe, and whatever Goddess had chosen to smile on me. She was there, on the longest dock, face buried in her hands.
"Starfire!" I gasped, lungs heaving from the run.
My legs, clearly spoiled by Starfire's insistence on flying us to any faraway destination, chose the moment she turned to give out. I started to curse myself for being so lazy, then I thought of the cool night air rushing past my face as she carried me princess style through the sky, cradling me to her warm, powerful body. I smiled in spite of myself, knowing I couldn't regret those moments.
"Jinx," she mouthed, shaking her head slightly.
She stared at me for a while before attempting to speak again, but no words came. My chest began to ache in a way that had nothing to do with my exhaustion. I wanted to say something, but the attempt ended in a choking gasp as my mind pieced together a silent story from the shards of my memory.
"I'm sorry!" I wailed. "I don't remember what I said or did to make you leave, but I'm so sorry! I've torn apart every good thing I've ever known. Please, don't let me ruin this too!"
I could feel my hands clutching at my overcoat, wincing as the injured hand tried to ball up the fabric. When I looked at Starfire again, the look of absolute horror and misery one her beautiful face cut me to the core.
She covered her mouth with a hand, the other trembling as it slowly reached for me. She managed two steps before collapsing and burying her face in her hands. I crawled to her and reached out shakily to put my hand on her shoulder.
"Please, I can make this right. Just don't leave! I know, I probably don't deserve it, but give this another chance! I can't... I couldn't..."
She brushed the hand away, giving me a soul-rending look at the pain and shame resting inside her uncovered emerald eye.
"It was me..." she whispered.
"What?"
She lowered the other hand to look at me fully, eyes dim and lips trembling.
"You did nothing wrong, my Jinx," she whispered, reaching out to gently cradle my injured hand and bring it up to press her lips against it. "I am the monster that put poison into something so beautiful,"
"What? No, it had to be me. You're too... you would never..."
Another flash of memory, Starfire's face in the mirror dripping with malice as she whispered something I couldn't quite hear. The pain that consumed my own reflection was awful to witness. I watched, horrified, as something broke deep inside of me. I couldn't bear to see the hurt she had caused me anymore and used the hand that she had held so many times to take it away. I returned to the present, seeing my fist against Starfire's face so eerily positioned like the memory that I pulled my hand back, fearing I was about to hit her.
"Yes, you remember now," she murmured, gazing longingly at the hand clutched to my chest. "It is I that do not deserve a chance of seconds, my Jinx. I do not deserve anything. Not our Raven. Not you," she whispered, rising to her feet and starting to turn away.
The pain in my chest was too much. I lurched forward and wrapped my arms around her waist.
"No! I-I don't care what happened! When Raven left me it tore a hole in my heart, but there was already one there!" I didn't know where the words were coming from, but I couldn't stop them. "You knew, though. You came to me and you filled it in little by little with your wonderful, stupidly loving self! If you left me, my heart would shatter! I could never show such a broken, miserable thing to Raven!"
More words tried to come, but I couldn't give them voice. Slowly, tentatively, her arms slid under mine and she lifted me up to look me in the eyes.
"I hurt you so badly, my Jinx. Even if you were to give me forgiveness, I cannot give it to myself. I am not worthy of being a Princess of Tamaran. To harm one she loves with all that her hearts can give is the worst-"
"It's the visions, Starfire!" I wheeze through the pain. "They have us so twisted up inside that we're always on the edge of snapping."
"But the words I said to you..."
She tried to turn her face away, but I stopped it with a gentle touch of my good hand.
"I forgive you," I whispered, pouring my heart into the words.
There was a tiny spark of hope in her eyes. The pressure in my chest was replaced by a reassuring warmth as her arms wrapped tight around me, her head resting against my shoulder.
"You are too good to me, my Jinx."
I reached up to caress her hair and smiled.
"Damn right, I am. Now pick me up and take us home. It'd be a blow to my badass image if people saw me blubbering over some chick on a pier."
I could feel her smile on my shoulder as we slowly lifted into the air and began moving in the direction of our apartment.
"Thank you, my Jinx. I feared today was the end, but after your sweet words it feels very much like a beginning. Together we will overcome these visions and we will go to her. It will be glor-"
"I love you, Starfire."
The words I had tried so many times to say in the last few weeks came so easily in that one moment. I could feel us accelerating in our flight. I smiled and wrapped my arms around her neck, lips pressed against hers, completely content in the knowledge that Starfire's flight was powered by her unbridled joy.
-Raven-
"They're coming!" I shouted, scaring the hell out of everyone in the living room.
"Sheesh!" Beast Boy shouted, clutching at his ears. "Don't just float there silently for hours and then bust out the fireworks! I've got sensitive hearing, ya know?!"
He may as well have been speaking an alien language for all the attention I payed. They were coming back to me. The sheer, uncontainable joy that filled me with could have sent Starfire to the moon and back.
"Are you sure?" Robin asked. The question was so ridiculous that it actually managed to catch my attention. "I've been focusing every spare bit of concentration towards them for seven months. Yeah, I'm at least 60% sure it's them," I said, with a little eye-roll for emphasis.
"Booya, girl!" Cyborg said, raising his hand for a no-look high-five which I issued happily.
His lessons in the ways of "general wiseassery", as he called it, were finally bearing fruit. Starfire and Jinx were working so hard to improve the future. I wouldn't be able to face them if I didn't try to better myself in return. Robin sighed, knowing he was truly outnumbered in the house now.
"I'm guessing you'd like us all to leave?" he eventually offered.
Despite him being the subject for most of my lessons with Cyborg, things had really improved between the two of us. All of us, in fact. My less doom-and-gloomy nature had gone a long way.
"I told myself I wasn't going to be that selfish. I know all of you missed her, too, but... yeah, you've all got like two minutes to get the hell out," I said, the last bit with an intentionally eerie smile.
"Gimme like five, I'm almost done with this..."
A tendril of darkness shot across the floor to hit the power button on the Game Sphere 3000.
"Aww, a power outage! What terrible luck!"
Beastboy sat, staring at the screen, controller still poised in his hands for a good ten seconds before dropping it to the floor. He glared at me for a moment, then stomped off towards the entrance, muttering under his breath about lesbians and their magic jerk powers. The fake smile was quickly replaced with a real one as he gave me a thumbs up over his shoulder.
Cyborg stood and pulled me into a hug, whispering something about not breaking too much of the tower before joining Beast Boy. Robin kept it to a simple nod before taking his leave.
"I love you guys," I said, the words coming out only slighty awkward and clunky.
They started to turn back around, but were met with a wave of darkness carrying them out the door and slamming it shut behind them. I smiled again, my heart absolutely fluttering at the approaching presence. I made my way up to the roof to wait for them.
Technically, what I said to Robin wasn't a lie. I was focused on them the entire time they were gone, but with restraint. With my new-found control of my powers, I probably could have laid bare the entirety of their emotional states, but doing so would have been a sign of mistrust and a massive invasion of their privacy. Still, some of the pulses of emotional highs they had been sending out were... confusing, sometimes terrifying. I couldn't for the life of me guess at all the ups and downs they had experienced. I couldn't wait to hear all about them.
When they came into view, the staggering strength and depth of the bond they had formed fell on me like a hammer blow. Until that moment, every fiber of my being had been calling for me to fly up and embrace them and never ever let go. I was unable to move as they gently touched down in front of me. The simple grace and ease with which they held each other was beautiful to witness. When they came apart, I actually felt myself lamenting the loss of the contact between them. It was like the earth and the sky had been separated from one another other.
"Is this what my magic was trying to tell us?" I asked, approaching on trembling legs. "Warning us that I was standing in the way of something so beautiful?"
They looked at each other and smiled, bathing me in the warm glow of shared emotion.
"I told you she would say something like that," Jinx said with a laugh.
"Yes, and I will make you whatever Tamaranean treats you desire for a month."
"Yus," Jinx said with a little fist pump.
I stared at them, speechless.
"Oh, this new side of Raven is so lovely, is it not, my Jinx?"
Jinx nodded, sending those pink horns of hers swaying.
"Worth every second of putting up with your crazy ass!"
They started to laugh. It was so warm and encompassing that I felt myself starting to join in. Then, Jinx's lips were pressed against mine and the world stopped turning. I closed my eyes, sending tears of relief down my cheeks. When I opened them again Starfire was there, her tears mirroring mine. She pulled away and pressed her lips to Jinx's and I was struck again by the beauty of them together. Everything faded as we embraced, kissed, laughed, and loved each other so completely.
As the three of us truly came together on the rooftop, I could feel a weight lifting from my heart. No more cage. No more uncertainty. No more fear of what the future might hold for us.
This was our Awakening...
~fin~
NOTE: When planning out the end of the story I wasn't sure if I was going to include an Epilogue... but my fingers had their own ideas about that. I fell in love with it immediately and couldn't imagine not including it so bear with me for just a little longer while it's edited and we can finally lay this story to rest together.
