Disclaimer: I own nothing of Naruto
Were they still only playing now, or did they really mean it?
It was a new idea. But Hinata thought, sometimes the boundaries between acting like husband and wife, and actually being husband and wife, became a little clouded. She wasn't sure of what was real anymore. When Neji smiled at her, those small relieving sort of smiles, were they real? When he held her to him at night, was that real? Hinata had hoped that through this marriage, maybe, just possibly she and Neji would be able to develop love between one another, but it was slow going, and her heart was impatient.
Here she was, a married woman, and she somehow she felt as if she weren't doing her job quite right.
Oh Neji was doing well enough, as it was so in everything he did. Being her husband was his duty, and he would do his duty, he had told her that himself. But how sure of her was he really? It was impossible to know. He was so damn quiet. He kept nearly all of his thoughts to himself.
And he would be leaving tomorrow.
Hinata took a deep breath, and sank down lower into the steaming water of their private bath house. Just as Neji had his little clearing, this was Hinata's place of quiet and thinking. This was where she could be alone each day, and worry her little head off without worrying about other people seeing.
She didn't like the fact that she cried around Neji so much. Crying was just something Hinata did, and quite often actually. But she'd told herself when she found out that she was to be married, that she would be a good wife, and she'd be strong, and she wouldn't cry. But in the two months they'd been together, she'd already cried too many times to remember, and Neji was always there, watching silently. He usually did manage to comfort her, or cheer her up. She just wish she didn't feel so useless to him.
And her father still expected a child from them.... She sank even lover into the water, as if she could hide from everything if she just slipped beneath the surface and never came up.
On one side of her was the quiet, smiling Neji, and on the other was her father prodding her in the back. What was she supposed to do with those options?
And though her father didn't say anything about it anymore, he still cast significant glances her way every time he came over to visit. He'd eye her stomach in an obvious way whenever Neji wasn't looking, and she's blush and turn away. She wanted to make her father proud... but a child? Really? She wasn't sure she could handle that. Not anytime so soon. And she thought that Neji understood.
Hinata's mind raced through everything that had happened between her and Neji since their marriage. So much time had passed so quickly, and things were slowly getting better. One other thing that she hoped for in entering marriage was that she might be able to shed away some of her shyness, but so far that wasn't going very well. She still blushed often, stuttered a little, but she was becoming a little more comfortable around her husband. True enough, she and Neji had known one another since childhood, but she couldn't say that she was entirely used to being around him.
Kurenai-sensei had pulled Hinata aside the other day, just before Neji showed up to walk with her home from training. "How are things?" she asked cautiously. "Between you and Neji Hyuga, I mean?"
Hinata blushed, and shrugged a little. "Things are getting better."
"Is he... nice to you?"
"Of course," she replied. The question surprised her a bit. Of course Neji was nice to her. "He's... more than nice."
Kurenai-sensei closed her eyes for a moment , and then looked directly into Hinata's face. "Are you sure Hinata? I remember too well that day of the Chuunin exams. He nearly killed you." "Neji's... not like that anymore...."
"Do you love him Hinata?"
Heavy sigh. "I don't know yet."
The steam in her face was staring to choke her a little bit, so she sat up properly in the bath again. Her shoulders felt cold when she did. Kurenai-sensei had advised Hinata to seek her out if there were ever any trouble at home. "You remember where my apartment is?" Hinata remembered, but at the time she honestly hadn't thought that she'd experience many serious problems in her marriage.
Or at least, she knew she wouldn't experience any of the problems that Kurenai-sensei suspected. Hinata's sensei didn't like Neji. She thought badly of him, it was obvious enough.
But now Neji was going on this mission... an S-rank. How was Hinata supposed to feel about that? She would miss him - dearly - while he was away. This house would feel so empty without him. She was not used to being here alone, and she began to fear how many times he would be away on missions like this. He was still a ninja, and Hinata was still a ninja as well. There was a great possibility that one day she'd be leaving him at home to go away on a mission herself.
What would she do at home alone every day during the upcoming weeks? How long would Neji be gone?
She shivered as she got out of the bath. Usually she'd stay longer, but she wanted to spend as much time with Neji as possible that night. After all, he'd probably be gone by the time she woke the next day. And she would probably cry. It made her heart heavy just thinking about it.
Neji was sitting on the edge of the bed when she came to their room. He was staring at the wall across from him, looking as if his mind were a million miles away. He didn't even notice her step in. "Neji?" she called quietly, and he turned her way, his expression as unreadable as ever. Hinata sighed heavily. She'd never been able to read him. It was impossible to know what he was thinking.
Hinata crossed the room on bare feet, until she stood before him. He looked up into her face, not saying a word. "What are you thinking about?" she asked. It seemed to be a question she was asking frequently these days.
"Tomorrow," he said shortly.
She nodded sadly, and took one of his hands. He watched with silent eyes as she pressed his hand against her face. She didn't think she had to tell him that she would miss him. Neji reached around her waist then, and pulled her down, into his lap. She blushed in surprise, and he kissed her.
"I'm sorry," he said after that. "I shouldn't be leaving."
"You have to," she quoted him, and he nodded.
"I'd say I'd be back soon, but I have no idea how long I'll be gone."
"I know."
For the first time in a while, things were suddenly awkward between them again. Hinata was uncomfortable sitting in his lap, and she worried if she were too heavy. And his eyes were on her again, and she didn't know what to say. With an embarrassed sort of sigh, she rested her head against his chest for a moment, then stood. "Maybe we should just go to bed," she said quietly, although she really didn't want to. The thought of waking up alone the next day haunted her mind like a disease.
Hinata crawled into the blankets on her side of the bed while Neji turned down the oil lamp they had in their bedroom now. It was a moment before he laid down though, and Hinata was really beginning to worry about whatever it was he was thinking about. She did that often though. She never knew what he was thinking, and it always made her nervous.
When he did lay down, she lay close to him, and he slipped an arm around her. That was normal at least. Hinata was more tired than she had thought, and in no time she was dozing peacefully.
It seemed like only moments later, but it must have been hours into the night, when Hinata stirred from a dream she couldn't remember. Still mostly asleep, she was pondering about the dream, though she couldn't recollect what it had been about, and suddenly she remembered that Neji would be leaving, and here she was asleep. She jerked awake, and found herself face-to-face with her husband.
Moonlight was streaming in through the bedroom window, and he was awake, and his eyes were on her. She blushed when she realized that he had been watching her sleep. "Bad dream?" he asked quietly.
"Something like that," she replied. Despite the fact that she wanted to stay awake, her eyelids were already getting heavy again. Neji watched as she struggled to fight off sleep.
"You don't have to stay awake," he said when she let out a sleepy sigh.
Hinata considered that. She really was tired. "Promise me you'll wake me up before you leave?" she asked.
He gazed at her a moment with those pale, serious eyes, and finally nodded. "Yes. I'll wake you up."
"Okay."
She was asleep again before she knew it.
It must have been a mere few hours later when Hinata felt a gentle hand shaking her awake. Her eyes opened drowsily, and she saw Neji, already fully dressed, leaning over her. She gasped quietly, and sat up. He was sitting next to her on the bed.
"I'm going now," he said flatly.
Why was there never any emotion there? Not in his face, or in his voice. Sometimes she thought she caught a glimpse of something in his eyes.... But why couldn't he at least look a little sad to be leaving now?
"Okay..." she said, looking down at the bedspread.
Neji lifted her chin so that she would look up at him, and he kissed her. It was a lingering sort of kiss. When Neji finally tried to pull away, she pulled him closer. He didn't fight it, but she still wondered what he must be thinking.
When they parted, Neji touched a small strand of her hair. He looked up at her hair, and half-laughed. Bed hair. She worked to smooth it. "I'll be back," he promised, accompanied by a serious nod. And then he walked out the door, and Hinata was alone.
