After my session with Jay, Lindsay and I returned to my hospital room. The walk through the hospital was a quite one, as we moved through the hallways I felt my life beginning to drop. The emotions and memories that I could not explain were eating at me, and turning me into something I'm not. Who that person was before I was abducted is gone, gone, gone. I don't know who he was or if he'll ever get back.
Moving into the room Lindsay wheeled me up to the bed and called a nurse in to help move me into bed. As she walks past me, I reach and take her hand in mine and bring it to my face, she looks confused but kneels down beside my chair and looks at me. She can see the tears in my eyes for the first time since we left the office. Without saying a word she smiles and brings the other hand to my head and begins to stroke my hair. It calms me. I feel good, at least for a second.
I'm sorry.
It's alright, Danny.
I don't know who I am.
It'll come.
What if it doesn't?
I guess we're just going to have to get to know each other again.
Her smile is warm, it's comforting. I feel safe again.
Ok, I think I can do that.
I smile, it's forced but it's there. Most of my stitches in and around my mouth have healed but it still pulls.
The nurse enters the room, he and Lindsay begin to move me to the bed. As they move me a weird sensation hits me.
Ah!
I yelped out, it was pain. I felt pain in my legs.
What? Danny, what's happened?
Lindsay said, she wasn't frantic but it wasn't far off in her tone.
I felt that.
Felt what?
The nurse asked.
My knee, I felt my knee. It hurts.
Ok, sit tight Danny. I'm going to get your doctor.
He left the room, Lindsay began to lean over me and stroke my hair again as I tried to control my heart. The beats were hammering against my ribs. I couldn't tell if this was from the excitement of having sensation in my legs or from the little bouts of shooting pain that was radiating up my thigh.
Can you move your toes? Try and move them Danny.
Lindsay asked as she held my hand. I try, with not prevail. I cannot move my toes, why does the pain have to come back, but not the movement. Fuck.
No, I can't. I can't. Damnit.
It's alright Danny, one step at a time. This is looking good.
Lindsay turns away as the Dr. Chan enters the room, he is my neurosurgeon.
Mr. Messer, I've been told your knee is hurting? Is that right?
Yeah, I got into bed and it started sending shooting pain up my leg, but I still can't move my toes.
He looked down at his chart and moved to the leg and began examining it. He took a strange tool out of his pocket that looked like a pizza cutter with smooth jagged edges. He lifted my foot and ran the tool up the bottom. If I could feel my feet, I would double over, I am very ticklish. This thought makes me laugh out loud, Lindsay and the doctor stop and look at me.
Can you feel that?
No!
I answer as I laugh.
Ok, Dan. I need you to tell me when you have sensation. Now?
He moves up my calf. Nothing. My knee. Nothing. My thigh. Nothing.
I still can't feel anything.
Danny, I have some bad news for you. The pain your feeling, it's ghost pain. Your brain is telling you it hurts, but you can't actually feel it. I'm sorry, but there is no sensation.
No, but I can feel it! It hurts, how can you say that!
My voice was cracking. I wasn't imagining this pain, I am feeling it.
I'm sorry. I'm going to set you up for another MRI today, maybe we can see if there is any progress with the swelling.
No, I can feel the pain. My cracked knee cap! It's hurting. Please? I can feel it.
The doctor and Lindsay looked at each other. I looked from one to the other. This had to be a joke I could feel it, couldn't I? Dr. Chan looked up at me, I could see the concern across his face.
I'm sorry Danny. I'll have a nurse come and get you for your MRI. I'm sorry.
He turned and left the room, Lindsay turned back to me, she was still holding my hand.
Danny, it'll come back.
She, too, has tears in her eyes. I look at our intertwined hands and I speak.
Lindsay, can I just be alone for a while. Just a little while.
Ok.
She said as she came close and kissed my forehead, I squeezed my eyes shut as she did so, taking in all the sensations I could feel.
I'm going to make some calls. When you need me, just call the nurses, they'll find me. Ok?
I nod, she kisses my forehead again.
I love you.
She says.
I nod. She leaves.
I lay back on my pillow, I pick up a pillow and I squeeze it, I hug it. I let it hold me. A pillow can't hurt me, I squeeze it and I cry. I cry for myself, I cry. I put my head down onto the pillow in my arms and I cry. I cry into the pillow, I can feel myself gasping for breath, I am crying long and hard. I am crying for all the times I haven't felt this emotion to cry. I cry because the flood gates are open, and I cannot close them until they are empty.
I cry.
