A/N: Once again, huge thank you to Jezebel Jai-Braxlin for beta reading.
Chapter 7
July 5th, 2009
Sometimes it was easy to convince myself that I was only on summer vacation, that school would start again come September and I'd be back. Then I would look at all the job ads, and reality would sink in again.
Despite Embry's constant reassurances that we would find something that excited me soon, I had no such hopes. All I wanted was something that would pay, and I'd prefer if it required my degree so I could feel like I'd actually accomplished something. I wasn't finding many opportunities for that. Holding out for a job I truly wanted was a fairytale.
I thought that, maybe, it could happen when I was middle-aged and had been searching for where I belonged or whatever for decades, but I wasn't going to find it right out of college. The longer I tried to think about what that job would look like, the more I was convinced that it didn't exist.
Somedays it was hard to believe that jobs even existed with how hard it was for me to find openings. I'd been interviewed twice so far, and that felt like nothing with how hard I'd been working. Truthfully, I should have been doing this before I'd graduated, but that would have required facing this earlier than necessary. I couldn't believe I was facing it now.
There were some days where I maniacally searched through job postings. That was when I felt the most desperate. At times, I thought I'd be willing to take something that paid, like, three dollars an hour if it meant I could end this witch hunt, but Embry always calmed me down.
At first, he had been adamant that we should search for something I enjoyed, but even he had realized that was an ideal and nothing more by now. Aside from the limited options, nothing would have been an ideal.
The worst part was that I knew this could last a long time. I'd only been at it a month and felt like I was at my wit's end. If I had been religious, I would have been praying for this to end, but I wasn't sure it would.
July 30th, 2009
It was a fluke that I was on patrol when Ethan phased. A complete fluke.
I was minding my own business while running around and sniffing for something suspicious, and suddenly there was a howl that had to be coming from a wolf in Sam's pack. It took several moments for me to recognize it as Ethan.
But without a pack connection, I was clueless about the reason for it.
Embry's thoughts were suddenly louder in my head. Our patrol so far had largely consisted of me thinking about nonsense while Embry's mind stayed quiet. Suddenly, he had a lot to say as we speculated about what was happening.
After a few minutes, Jake phased along with most of the guys in our pack. You didn't just hear that sort of racket and ignore it. This was different than the howls we used to alert each other to vampires. There was a different sense of urgency to it. Something was wrong with Ethan.
What the hell? Quil asked, sounding anxious. It wasn't often he expressed fear, so I knew the way my own heart was beating was justified.
It's Ethan, Jake informed us unnecessarily. Something's happened, but Sam's being stingy on the details. So Sam was phased and communicating with Jake. He was the only way any of us were going to find out what was going on anytime soon. He wants us all at his house. He's going to try to calm Ethan down enough for him to phase back. Then we can talk.
It didn't sound like Ethan was physically hurt. If he was, there would have been a greater sense of urgency, and they wouldn't be talking about going to Sam's to talk. I tried to let that knowledge calm my racing heart. Whatever it was, surely it couldn't be that bad.
The atmosphere was eerie when I did finally get to Sam's. I had been on the opposite side of La Push while patrolling, so I was one of the last to make it. I squeezed myself in between Embry and Seth on the couch, the only wolf who would be able to fit in such a small space. Everyone was watching Ethan, who was hunched over in a chair with more space around him than anyone else had.
He certainly looked like he was in pain, although I couldn't detect any injuries. He was upset about something. Very upset. I glanced around at the other members of his pack to see if they would give something away, but they didn't. They looked as confused as our pack. Like there was something they didn't quite get.
"Ethan," Sam said. I could tell that he was trying his best to sound authoritative but also not too pushy, considering Ethan's state. It wasn't working too well for him. Ethan looked up at him slowly, an expression of distaste on his face. I couldn't tell if it was directed at Sam or something else. "Are you going to tell everyone what happened?"
Ethan made it clear from one look alone that he didn't want to explain. Collin leaned over and gave him a friendly shove, hoping it would cheer him up. It was the first time I'd seen anyone touch him since I came in, and he recoiled. Collin pulled back, looking hurt by the rejection.
It was quiet for a long time. The only sounds were the occasional person shifting around in discomfort. The tension got thicker and thicker as the clock ticked by, and I took to zoning out, trying to remove myself from the negative energy emanating off Ethan and filling the room.
"I imprinted," Ethan finally said. His voice was grim, without a trace of happiness.
No one said anything, although a few of the guys in our pack traded surprised looks. There had been less than stellar reactions from some of the other guys immediately after imprinting, but no one had looked as messed up about it as Ethan did. Without any personal experience, all I had was the other guys' thoughts to go on, but it seemed to me that the strong re-wiring of Ethan's brain should have been enough to counteract any negative feelings toward his imprint.
"Look." Sam spoke again, trying his best to sound upbeat. "I know it's a shock right now, but it will be fine in the end. You're meant to be with her."
Ethan started frantically shaking his head. It was the most he had moved since I'd arrived at the house.
"I don't want this," he complained. "I didn't think it would happen, so I didn't worry, but I don't want this. I don't."
His voice cracked, and his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. Tears were fighting to be released. I could feel Seth shift beside me from his own uneasiness at watching this. Ethan was one of the wolves closest to Seth in age, and they'd always spent a fair amount of time together because of it.
All the guys avoided looking at Ethan. I turned to stare at the floor instead, giving him some of the privacy he needed.
Something about this wasn't okay. There was more going on here than just a dissatisfaction with whoever this girl was, but Ethan didn't look prepared to give us any details. And no one wanted to be the one to push him off the edge when he was already close to falling.
"Ethan," Sam said, voice resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to make any progress, "why don't you go home and rest? I'll debrief everyone else, okay?" Ethan nodded jerkily, although he didn't seem happy to know that we would get the story. "Do you want one of the guys to take you? Maybe Collin?"
Collin was already poised to stand, but Ethan shook his head. Collin deflated again and leaned back into the couch with a frown. Brady dinged him on the shoulder in a small show of comfort. Both of them looked disturbed that their friend wasn't allowing them to do anything to help.
Ethan stared at the floor as he wound his way through the maze we created within the room. The door fell quietly shut behind him. I had expected a slam, but maybe Ethan was too despondent for that.
Even once he was gone, the room was deadly silent. I thought some of the guys were scared, particularly the ones with imprints. Imprinting was supposed to be a happy thing. That had always been considered a given. Sure, a ton of shit almost always came along with it: Sam had been plagued with guilt. Quil had been terrified over what it meant to imprint on a two-year-old. Jake… Well, that shit had been a mess all around.
But despite all of that, I don't think any of them had doubted that their imprint was supposed to happen. I could tell from the memories they had shown me that they had always known in some capacity that it was happening for a reason and that things would turn out fine in the end.
Ethan hadn't shown any of that. There hadn't been so much as an ounce of hope, and that scared everyone. It was unprecedented, and on top of that, no one had suspected that Ethan would have such an adverse reaction to imprinting in the first place. He'd never talked about it. I thought back to any possible times he could have said something, but I had nothing. I could think of plenty of things he'd said about girls over the years, but imprinting had never been part of the conversation. It had to be what was wrong, but I still couldn't figure it out. Did he hate imprinting? He'd never complained about it.
Sam cleared his throat, and each of our gazes snapped to him. He looked like he was struggling with what to say, which was a first.
"So, Ethan imprinted."
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't find the motivation to make a snappy comeback. Sam had been thrown off his usual game of being calm and in control. That was another sign that something was wrong, something that it didn't feel right to joke about. The other guys felt it too because no one said anything as they waited for Sam to continue.
"He, uh..." Sam sighed before he continued with better composure. "We kind of saw his mind when he was phased. Jared and I saw the most. He—Apparently, he's angry because he never thought he'd imprint."
Quil spoke up, sounding nervous. "None of us thought so, did we? I know I didn't. We all just assumed it wouldn't apply to us until it did. Still, we didn't act like that."
"He kept thinking about kids," Jared said. "His thoughts were a huge mess, but I got enough of it to get that. Kids and this really negative feeling. It was enough to put together what the problem is."
We heard Brady take a deep intake of breath. His eyes flickered in the direction of Collin, who nodded in encouragement. Brady looked out at us and spoke. "Ethan's never wanted kids. Actually, he's really, really against it. Swears he'll never have any."
"But he never talked much about imprinting," Collin continued, taking over for Brady. "He never said anything bad about it or anything like that, so we were just as surprised as you guys about this. I don't get what's going on."
It went quiet again. Sam had faded into the group now, no longer standing among us as if he were the one conducting the conversation. We were all in the same state of wonderment and confusion. There was no way to make sense of this now that Ethan was gone.
Collin and Brady left first under the pretense of going to check on Ethan. They waved off Sam's insistence that they be careful and not push Ethan if he didn't want to talk. Before they left, they tugged Seth along with them, and the three of them disappeared into the woods in the direction of Ethan's house.
Embry got up to leave not long after that, and I rushed to stand up too. I didn't like sitting in this room and stewing in silence. Nothing was going to come of it. Breathing would be easier once I was outside.
No one said anything as I followed Embry outside. Embry walked along the drive until we came to the road, walking down it in the direction of both of our houses. It took a long time before he acknowledged that I was walking along with him.
"I wish I'd known," he said.
I looked at him in surprise. "About Ethan? Why? What difference would it have made?"
Embry shrugged, frowning down at the ground.
"It wouldn't have made any difference, but it is interesting, isn't it? None of the other guys has ever said anything about not wanting kids. I've kind of just assumed that they did. Then the one that doesn't goes and imprints. All the guys in there were acting confused as if they can't remember all the times they talked about imprinting as if it were only about reproducing. Why wouldn't Ethan be angry?"
"I hadn't thought about it," I admitted. There was bitterness in my voice. I should have thought about it. Embry had shoved the idea onto me more times than I cared to remember. "I guess you're right, but I still don't get why that would make him mad. If he doesn't want kids, then the imprint can't force it on him even if that's what imprinting is supposed to be."
Embry shrugged. "Who knows? No one. It'll pull him towards her, and he'll want to please her however he can. If she wants kids… Well, he'll have a hard time denying her, won't he? It could be impossible. We really don't know."
Embry's words made it easier for me to imagine a future where Ethan was with some faceless girl I had yet to meet. That was the first time I realized that I knew nothing about her. Not what her name was, not what she looked like, not how Ethan had managed to see her. It was all a mystery, yet her existence had led to both packs feeling floored.
Ethan probably hadn't even explained to her what had happened yet. Had they spoken to each other? Would he speak to her, or would he fight against it?
"This could be significant," Embry said, a sense of urgency in his voice. "Ethan's imprint could change how everyone views imprinting. If he doesn't have kids…"
I knocked into Embry's side as we walked. "Embry, maybe don't use Ethan as an experiment. It might not be a good idea."
"It's more a case study than an experiment," he mumbled. "But it's not like I'm going to say anything to him or anyone else. Just you." Those words made my breath catch in my throat, and I struggled to appear unaffected at the thought of this being something only between the two of us.
"Right," I said once I could trust my voice. "It's just another one of your observational opportunities or whatever you call them."
"I'd call it life."
"Right. Whatever. You do realize it'll take years before we see the ramifications of this, right? Ethan's fifteen. It'll be decades before anyone can say that he won't have kids without any doubt. Don't get me wrong. I get that he's convinced. He obviously is, and I don't think he'll ever want them. But you can't treat it like a fact until the opportunity has passed and there's still no kid."
"I know, but I think his word should be good enough."
"I don't know. If imprinting is dead set on making a shit ton of wolves, then it isn't going to take one wolf's feelings into consideration before making him imprint, right? It would just make it happen anyway. There's nothing to prove that what's happening to Ethan involves what he wants. Even if Ethan doesn't have kids with his imprint, how would we know that's not why the imprint happened in the first place? Maybe they'll resist fate and not have kids, but he still imprinted because the universe wanted them to have kids. I'd like that actually. Ethan getting one up on the universe."
"I hadn't thought about that," Embry admitted. "I just assumed that if imprinting was about babies then it would make sure babies happened. I never thought anyone would be able to resist it."
"There has to be a possibility of that though. I have to believe that. Not even imprinting can magically poof a baby into a uterus."
"Yeah, but how likely is it that an imprint couple would be able to stay abstinent their entire lives? With that pull they feel? They'd snap eventually."
"You can have sex and not have a kid, Embry."
He rolled his eyes at me. "Can you?" he replied sarcastically. "I'm saying if imprinting really wants it to happen, it will make it happen."
"We still don't know if imprinting has that much control." I sped up my steps to get in front of Embry and then turned around to face him as I walked backwards. "Once again, all we have is speculation." I spun back around and kept walking, listening to Embry's footsteps behind me.
That was all I heard for a long time until Embry said, "You know, a lot of things are speculation if you stop to think about it. Hell, most marriages are based more on speculation than imprint marriages are. You never know how a marriage will turn out."
I shrugged, not glancing back at him. "I wouldn't disagree. But we're not speculating about whether marriages will work out. And why aren't we?" I asked rhetorically. "Because that's pointless."
Embry stepped up to walk beside me again. "A lot of the time you suspect the way the marriage will go, right? There are always those couples that you just know won't work out in the end. You can't know for sure, but you can guess pretty well sometimes."
"When it comes to the most doomed of relationships, yeah, but it's harder than that most of the time."
I didn't know if I was talking about imprinting anymore, and Embry sensed it too. His steps slowed down, and mine naturally mimicked his. I stayed quiet, waiting for him to answer on his own.
"I still think you can guess pretty well," he said. "You won't always be right, but you can guess."
"Even if you're in the couple? You don't think people get blinded to what should be obvious signs of doom because they get too wrapped up in fleeting emotions?"
I knew from the way Embry watched me that he knew what I was getting at. I could also tell from his frown that he didn't like the point I was trying to make.
"I think they can sometimes," he allowed. "But I don't think that's true all the time or even most of the time."
"You don't?" I had a difficult time believing that wasn't the case.
"I don't. I think there are plenty of people who go into marriage knowing it'll work out."
"But they're not always right."
"Plenty of them are. They're sure enough. I could die every time I get in a car, Leah, but I still get in one all the goddamn time believing that I'll survive the day. I don't do that because I'm stupid. I do it because I know that I'll do my best to work towards the best possible outcome, and that's all I can do. I don't just avoid driving."
I looked down at the pavement beneath my feet. My face felt warm. "Well, when you put it that way…"
Embry did an excellent job of taking my fears and saying the right things to quell them. That was why I shouldn't have talked to him about them in the first place. He would convince me everything would go well with his stupid optimism, and then it would blow up in our faces anyway. Because shit never turned out the way optimists wanted it to. No matter what Embry thought about marriage and expectations.
Embry knocked his arm against mine, causing goosebumps to erupt on my skin.
"Even if fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, that still means as many people made it work as those who didn't."
I didn't look at him. I couldn't. Instead, I gave a short nod of my head to show that I had heard him. It was all I could manage.
"Fifty-fifty odds are not good odds," I pointed out.
"They're better than half the other odds you could get."
That shouldn't have reassured me of anything, but the way Embry said it did. He always sounded so sure of himself when he talked about stuff like this. How did he do it? How did he talk about not knowing the future while still sounding confident about the future? It shouldn't have been possible.
"Is that even how odds work?" I asked.
Embry made a face and shrugged. "I took prob and stats," he said in his defense.
I felt a small grin building on my face. "That's not what I asked."
He just shrugged again in response, walking ahead of me so I couldn't see his expression. We were reaching my own house, and we'd have to part ways soon. I could feel a longing in the pit of my stomach to not separate and to keep walking with Embry. I could go to his house and stay for a while longer. It wasn't late. Doing so would be reasonable and not unlike plenty of other times where I had done the same. It was what I would have done when our patrol had finished if it hadn't been interrupted.
But I could see the light on in Seth's window, and knowing he had gone along to Ethan's made me curious. They obviously hadn't lasted long.
I glanced up at the window and back to Embry. He was frowning up at it too, his thinking face on.
"Do you mind if I come in?" he asked suddenly.
I knew he wanted to talk to Seth like I did. I also knew that even if he had been coming in just to spend time with me, it wouldn't have been any different from normal. Yet my heart sped up for reasons of its own making, and I tried to keep myself calm as I nodded yes.
The downstairs was quiet when we entered. It was the part of the late afternoon where no direct light shone into the living room, and everything felt like it was cloaked in shadows. Mom and Charlie would both be at work. There was noise coming from Seth's room that sat right above our heads. I glanced up at the ceiling before I headed for the stairs, Embry following behind.
I made the short trip down the hallway and stopped to knock on the closed door. "Hey. It's me and Embry."
We listened to Seth stand up and cross to the door. He didn't answer us verbally, just swung the door open and turned around to flop down on his bed again. I followed him, sitting on one of the areas of the bed that wasn't occupied by Seth's flailing limbs. Embry took a seat in Seth's desk chair instead. I wasn't sure he would have fit on the bed.
After having left Sam and Emily's house to escape the dark mood, entering Seth's room and feeling the same things wasn't pleasant. Seth was moody, but for once, I didn't think the source was his own feelings. There were different characteristics to this moodiness. He was worried about Ethan, not himself.
"He that bad then?" Embry asked.
Seth was silent for a moment, shaking his head back and forth slowly. "He's that bad. Worse even."
He fell silent again for a beat of time before speaking again.
"He was kind of despondent. Hardly doing anything or reacting to anything that any of us said. His mom let us in the house, and she looked worried. You could tell she had no idea what was going on. She sent us up to his room, and she looked hopeful that we'd be able to do something about him. But we got up there, and he was laying on his bed staring at the ceiling, not moving at all. His door wasn't closed, and he didn't stop us from coming in, but then he didn't talk to us no matter what we said. Just laid there. We left eventually, told him to call someone if he needed us, but he won't. He's probably still laying there."
Chills ran down my body. Ethan was never one to get upset about things. He was one of the guys who would make a joke to distract from anything that was bothering him until everyone had forgotten about it. For something to hurt him badly enough that he went silent…
"He'll be okay," Embry said. "He has to be. All the other imprinted wolves are."
"Ethan's imprint is not all the other imprints." I was surprised at the bitterness in Seth's voice as he spoke. "Just because they turned out great, doesn't mean his will. Maybe this is shit and will always be shit. You saw him today."
Embry hesitated over confronting Seth about it but decided to speak anyway. "We saw the immediate aftermath. We don't know what will happen later."
"No one else had that reaction," Seth continued. There was anger building in his voice, which had me worried. "Jake was about to fucking kill Nessie before he imprinted, but afterwards, everything was rainbows and butterflies for him. Ethan didn't react normally. How is his imprint supposed to be normal?"
Embry shrugged. "Maybe it won't be. I'm just saying that we don't know."
Seth scoffed but didn't try to argue anymore. I didn't think they'd succeed in doing anything other than butting heads if they kept going at each other. Imprinting wasn't something Seth and I discussed. I didn't much care to discuss imprinting at all, so since Seth never brought it up to me, I never brought it up to him. I hadn't expected him to have such an adverse reaction to it though. Like Ethan, he had never complained about imprinting, but I realized that I didn't know much about what his thoughts on the topic were.
"Embry might be right."
I had no idea why I said it. I'd spent so much of the past trying to dismiss Embry's imprinting theories. Not once had I felt the need to defend them. They were much easier to dismiss as fantasy, just like all the theories that the pack had formulated. But something about seeing Seth dismiss them so easily too made me switch sides, at least for the moment. I needed him to take Embry seriously, at the very least, whether he agreed or not.
Both Seth and Embry looked at me in surprise. A grin slowly appeared on Embry's face, and I expected him to mouth 'thank you' to me before I turned away to keep myself from seeing it. Seth still looked worried and a little angry. He didn't have much of a reaction to my statement beyond his widened eyes and lifted eyebrows. He just watched me closely.
Eventually, he muttered, "He could be, I guess. We'll see."
I wasn't sure why he readily agreed with me when he had openly scoffed at Embry. Maybe he thought he was being ganged up on and there was no way to win. That hadn't been what I meant to do. I wanted both of them to be right more than I wanted them to be wrong. That was why I had such a strong reaction to Seth's dismissal of Embry's ideas.
Neither one of them spoke after that. Seth stared at his bedroom wall. Oddly enough, he probably looked like Ethan at the moment even though he had been expressing worry about his friend's state minutes ago.
I heard a wolf approaching the house before I could smell that it was Al. Glancing at Seth, I could see that he had noticed too. It was like his entire body had perked up, and he was tilting his head to better listen. Seth had always had the best hearing in the pack, and I wondered if he could recognize Al from his footsteps alone.
None of us moved to do anything until there was a sound of a knock on the front door below us.
"I'm gonna go," Seth announced, sitting up and sliding off the bed. I noticed him glance out his bedroom window as he passed, wanting to catch a glimpse of Al but trying not to get caught by Embry or me.
Once Seth was gone, I turned to look at Embry. It hadn't escaped my notice that we were now sitting in Seth's room without Seth. The door opened and closed downstairs, and we listened to Seth and Al getting farther and farther from the house. I glanced down at Seth's blue duvet beneath me as if checking that I really was in his room.
"I should go," Embry said, standing up.
I watched him for a moment. I'd been about to suggest that we leave Seth's room, but I hadn't meant for Embry to leave the house yet. The words had been on the tip of my tongue. Now I struggled to keep them tucked away. Embry walked towards the door but glanced back when he realized I wasn't moving or speaking. That was the prompt I needed to get my mind back on track.
"Yeah, sure. I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"
Even though I phrased it like a question, I knew the answer. If he were to say no, then I would be shocked. We'd seen each other virtually every day of the summer, even if it was only for a few minutes. Much more often, we saw each other for most of the day. That was why I was confused about Embry leaving suddenly when we hadn't talked much.
Without looking at a clock, I would have placed the time at somewhere in the early evening, not early enough for us to depart from each other.
"Tomorrow," Embry confirmed with a smile.
He stepped out of Seth's room. I listened to his footsteps fall heavily down the stairs. The door opened and closed softer than it had when Seth went through it minutes before.
I was still on Seth's bed. Right. I should have been getting up, but at the same time, I didn't get why staying here would be a terrible thing. I had nothing to do for the rest of the day, and I was already in the perfect position for a nap.
I could sleep and dream of scenarios that were simple and happy. There was none of this ambiguity that was going to drive me to insanity.
