VII.
It was finally the way I remembered things. Playful, whispering conversations, sex that was punctuated with laughter, not tears. She was not shy, not sad and I was happier than I'd been in the past four and a half years. This was everything that I remembered. And I was planning to wake up like this for the remaining nights of her stay. Actually, I was determined, not planning. She was lying there, for some odd reason already looking rather fatigued, I thought with a smile, with her head on my shoulder. This time, I would be more cajoling and less demanding, since the latter really appeared to be counterproductive.
"Lover, would you please check out of the hotel? We should stay together while you're here. Just tell your boss you're staying here. That agent can safely come here to check on you. We will be gracious with her as your guest. Or you can see her outside the compound at night. I'll send Rasul and Cadel with you but they can give you space. Or if you prefer in the afternoon, with Tucker's people. I want you here, with me. There's no reason for the hotel for the daytime when you could rest here and it's wasting your hard-earned money."
I was delighted to sense that she was really thinking about saying yes. But still she hesitated.
"How about I continue to pay for the room, but you stay here," I offered. If she wanted that illusion of escape, she could have it.
"No. No, absolutely not, Eric. That's just wrong. I couldn't do that," she said sounding almost offended.
I pulled back from that one. Clearly that tactic would just upset her. I stuck to the softer approach.
"Stay with me, Lover," I whispered in her ear. "I like waking next to you. Stay, min älskade... my Lover."
I could feel her resolve softening. She wanted to stay. I had to keep myself from smiling. So she liked it when I was soft and cajoling… She liked being with me and wanted to stay. I had her. I could feel it. I tried to resist the temptation to press harder.
"Okay," she said quietly after a minute or so. "I'll check out of the hotel and stay here with you."
Just as I started to feel totally delighted, she tensed and I felt a burst of nothing less than panic from her.
"You're afraid, Lover. What are you so afraid of?"
I sat up and leaned over to look at her more closely and she was on the verge of tears. Again.
"I don't know. I just…" she said, almost gasping. "Just forget it, Eric. I'm fine."
She closed her eyes and lay still, but I heard her heart beating faster and faster. Fine? I saw nothing that was fine. She was frightened. Once again, I could smell her fear. I was completely baffled. She was afraid to stay with me?
"You're really afraid of staying here with me, aren't you? But why?"
I put my hand over her heart, gently stroking her breastbone, trying to soothe her. She said nothing. She would not meet my eyes. She continued to breathe as if agitated. I really wanted to understand why, if she loved me, she would be so afraid to be here with me. How could her loving me be so much harder, so much more fraught than my loving her had been for me to accept, I wondered? I loved her. I had told her repeatedly that I did.
"I never got to choose to be with someone I loved. I never had someone choose to be with me because they loved me. When I was human I married my brother's wife when he died. I liked her. But I didn't love her, at least not in the beginning. For sure, never in love with her. And we had no choice in the matter. It was an alliance of families. When Aude died, I looked around for the most practical match. That was right before I was turned. Then in all this time, after I was free from my sire, I chose… but not for love. And no one ever really chose to be with me because they couldn't really choose. When you have almost total control over someone, what kind of choice can she make?"
She still would not look at me. I stared at her face. She looked cold and distant and I felt that odd sensation of resignation that I had felt several times before from her.
"So you love me basically because you can't glamour me?" she finally said, in a tight voice.
What? But that was totally missing the point…? You love someone because of what they're not? Did the woman really think this way? Or did she actually think I did?
"No. Well, maybe that is a part of it, yes, but really… No. I love you because you are smart, and you are brave. You have a real sense of honor, of loyalty and you are very brave. I enjoy your humor. Your feistiness. You are beautiful, but many women are beautiful. Beauty does not last, unless you are turned, but even then it is… different, maybe harder edged. Character lasts no matter what. You have character. I like you and that has made it easy to love you. I like few people. But I do also like it that you cannot be glamoured. That is true. If you are with me, it is because you choose to be with me. It is a compliment to have someone truly choose to be with you. But it is more than that. You are interesting and I have never known anyone quite like you. The more I have made you mine, the more I wanted you. I enjoy you. I love you. I want to be with you." I paused and finally said, "So I do not understand why you are afraid or how it is that you think I will hurt you."
I felt her shift slightly under my hand as if she intended to rise.
"We should really get up Eric. It's probably after 10. We'll be really late."
I didn't care if we were late. Pam could keep Amelia amused and even if she wasn't amused, I was a King and I had business for her and so she could wait for it. This was far more important.
"No. We should stay here and work this out now. I asked you long ago if you had a tendency to walk away when things get rocky and I've seen that answer, although I really can't hold leaving Louisiana against you considering what had happened to you. There are other times when you have shown more loyalty and kindness than I could ever have reasonably expected. You have stuck by me many, many times. But you've also wanted to run away from every serious conversation I've ever tried to have with you about us. That habit has caused a lot of problems and I really think we're not going to continue with it."
I spread my fingers out on her chest, making it plain that while I intended to comfort her, I was not letting her out of this bed until she talked to me.
"So tell me, Lover, what is it that you're really afraid of?"
"I told you I don't know," she said in an angry tone.
"Sookie, I can tell you do know. What is it? I insist that you tell me what the problem is. Whatever it is. Even if you think it will offend me."
She opened her eyes and looked up at me and then turned away. Instead of keeping my hand on her chest, I turned her face back to mine so she had to look at me.
"You're being foolish, Sookie. This is beyond being stubborn. You said the other day that you had thought many times about how things might have been different if you had come to stay with me in Shreveport when Breandan's people were after you. What if you had? What if you had told me you were afraid and you wanted me to protect you? What if you had really talked to me? What if you trusted me? What if, now, you actually tried to make this work?" I said, holding her face more tightly. I was so frustrated with her resistance to just telling me what she was afraid of.
She closed her eyes almost completely as she looked down at my hand holding her jaw.
"What would you have done if I was with someone else when Bill found me in Alexandria, Eric?"
I gnashed my teeth for a moment. What would I have done? I really didn't even want to think about it. Finally, with a heavy sigh I said,
"If I thought you were happy, I would have left you alone." The bitter truth.
"How could you even have known I was happy without talking to me? The bond?"
The bond. Always the bond. I gnashed my teeth again. What could she not accept about it? The way I felt had nothing to do with the bond. I'd felt this way before the bond. She felt the way she did before the bond, as I knew the moment the bond was formed. All the bond did was let me better feel how she felt and to offer her reassurance about how I felt about her. It wasn't like I was trying to control her or influence her. And I didn't even need to! I liked how she felt about me. I liked it. I tried not to sound angry.
"The question is pointless. I knew you were not with anyone. Because of the neighbor and because of what Bill learned. And yes, I could feel you were not with anyone because of the bond. I could feel you. I watched you. After Bill had found you, one night I came to Virginia and I watched you through the windows of your apartment. You were so alone. Felt so alone. I went away and thought carefully about what to do. I tried to prevent you from feeling me then, and when I returned, in May. You never trusted the bond. Which is ironic, since if you can't read my mind, it was the surest way to know how I felt about you. But you have always thought it was artificial. Some vampire magic trick. Or just, in general, a trick. You have such serious trust issues, Lover."
"Are you saying you do think it's my fault that I was kidnapped and tortured because I wouldn't go stay with you?"
I looked at her wide-eyed. Was she serious?
"No. Of course not. It was your grandfather's fault for not making sure that I knew how serious the situation was when he knew you were mine. And ultimately his fault for not protecting you better himself. Why he left you alone in that house I will never understand. He could have left Dillon with you. Or Claude. He could have moved you elsewhere to safeguard you. It was my fault for not insisting you stay with me, although I did not want to do anything to coerce you since you were so resistant to almost anything I suggested. It was, perhaps, my fault for not having told you then, that night I was with you, that I loved you. Clearly. In English. Perhaps then you would have come with me. But I wanted you to say you loved me and you would not admit it, even though I knew you did. You, with your appreciation," I said bitterly.
I shook my head and snorted with the bitter recollection of the last time we'd had sex before she'd run away, before the fairies got her and before everything fell apart. That night had left me so confused, so empty, so angry and perhaps even hurt because what I didn't hear from her. I had begun to realize that Pam had been right. I had waited to long, misleading her as to my feelings or intentions, even though we were pledged. I thought time would allow us to work things out. But then it seemed that everything had gone into chaos. I had counted on the bond to let her know my feelings. But she thought it was intrusive, foreign, something artificial to be distrusted. I had left the bond to do the work my pride would not let me do. She had needed words, reassurance, and I gave her nothing, I thought to myself. Months of distance and confusion about how I felt.
"I thought perhaps you hated loving me. You were resentful of me, of the bond. You were so cold. So defensive that night. I was confused by your manner, which was so different from what I had remembered. I thought we would have time to work things out, but everything fell apart. Well, we are two proud and stubborn people and we have paid a heavy price for our pride and stubbornness. You especially so. And then you threw away almost everything. What if I hadn't found you? Hmm? What then, Lover? Were you so happy on your own, totally alone? You were merely getting by. Only half alive inside, so shut down to your emotions. And if you were really honest, you would admit it. Neither one of us has been happy with our choices made in those days. So let's work it out now, once and for all."
She was still silent and I was no closer to knowing what the problem was. She felt as if she loved me. Her actions showed she did. After not having seen me for years, she could not harm me when I first saw her in May even though she believed I was there to harm her. She had come back to Louisiana, against it seemed, her better judgment both because of what her memories were and because of it causing problems with her job. All of which to my mind was a clear indication that she did love me. So why the panic? Why the persistent fear? Why the feelings of resignation, as if she was just sadly giving up.
"Tell me, Lover. Tell me what you are afraid of or what it is that bothers you. What is the problem?"
I still held her face and finally, even though I knew it might anger her, I tried to glamour her, pulling on her mind. Her eyes widened as she felt it and I felt her mentally push me away from her. She could see, though, that I wouldn't give up. Finally, almost gritting her teeth, she said,
"Bill got bored with me, Eric. He was already bored well before he returned to Lorena. You're so exotic and old. You've already seen everything there is to see. And I see myself as just an amusement to you. A challenge and an amusement. I don't even have to worry about the growing old part or any of the rational concerns of such a relationship if it were real. You say you love me. But you'll get tired of me soon enough. I just don't see any chance, really any chance at all, that this will end happily. At least not for me. I meant what I said the other day. I'll just end up brokenhearted. I never loved Bill. At least not the way I love you. You want to talk about someone who's bound becoming a stupid fucking Renfield? Well, I don't even need the bond. I already remember how bad I felt before the bond when you left. There'll be nothing left of me if I let myself stay with you. I was ruined for humans long before I met any of you because of my telepathy. But loving you will just ruin me for everyone and everything else when it's over. It will just bleed the colors and the life away from me. I already have three years of proof that I'll end up totally alone and it will be so much worse if I stay for any extended time with you. I don't even want to know how long this time is going to leave me sad when I go home. And part of me just hates myself for coming here at all, because I really don't want to be unhappy. But that's exactly what I think I'm going to be."
If I had breathed, she would have made me catch my breath. I was caught very off-guard. This was all because she couldn't accept that I really loved her? Because she didn't trust that I was serious? So Pam had been right. All along Pam had been right… I tried not to be offended at being compared to Bill Compton, who might have loved her but had worked his way into her bed and her life based on lies. I was so delighted to think that it might be such a simple problem that could be causing her to feel and act as she had been.
I waited but she said no more, and just swallowed as if she had something bitter, her own words really, in her mouth. A few tears trailed down her cheeks. I tried to take it in, in amazement. This was it? This was all? I felt myself nod slightly, and I smiled ever so slightly. There was a simple remedy for this. So simple…
I would prove her wrong.
I kissed her and released her chin, stroking her cheek, and sat up.
"This is better," I said, still nodding. "This I can deal with." I smiled. I was happy.
I got up and started handing her the clothes I'd stripped off her playfully before, and then I started dressing. I hooked her bra for her and adjusted the straps, admiring the color against her skin. So attractive… Something to remove again later. Even though, admittedly, she might be too weary for more. I kissed her shoulder. I watched her finish dressing. She looked and acted flustered. She started brushing her hair after checking her makeup, which I'd tried not to mess up that final time. I smiled as I took the brush from her hands and ran it through my own hair a few times. I was not currently looking very put together or royal, I noted with an amused smile. My hair was really quite a mess. I was frankly too keyed up to think about doing anything with appearance beyond just making it presentable for talking to Amelia. Besides, it was Sunday. I could be as casual as I liked.
"So how are you planning to 'deal' with it?" she said, with a lot of tension in her voice.
I turned to her with a smile. I actually twitched with amusement. I felt quite happy. Light of heart. This would work, I thought to myself. It will all work out. I have her. Well, perhaps more considerately, we have each other. Pam was right, and I didn't even care that she'd be impossible about being right.
"I am going to prove you spectacularly wrong. And Lover, I am going to marry you legally. I know what want. I will not change my mind. But I will change yours. If I don't talk you into it now, I will the next time, or the time after that. You will believe me. If I waited three years just to see you again, you ought to have a better estimate of my determination. But no matter. You will see. Just try not to lose us too much more time together. That would be something you really should regret. Shall we? We're really approaching embarrassingly late. It's almost 11 pm. On the bright side, all of your worries about seeing Amelia ought to look like, what is the expression… small potatoes? after this little discussion, right?" I winked at her. I really felt so happy.
We walked toward the door to the hall and suddenly I just scooped her up into my arms and kissed her. I felt happier than I had in years. Many, many years.
"So delightfully wrong," I said as I smiled.
I kissed her again, laughed, and put her carefully back down on her feet. I took her hand and we went downstairs to see Amelia.
After she had spent a while talking to Amelia they came looking for me in my office. Amelia and I sat talking about warding various locations. She asked about Sophie-Anne's former estate, which had been badly damaged by Hurricane Katrina. Felipe hadn't really done anything with it. I said I was still undecided whether or not I was going to renovate it.
Pam, Stefan and I had been mulling over the financials of that potential renovation for months at this point. It would be very costly and the estate was largely for show. I was not big on show. A lot of effort for a little gain. And really Felipe had just drained this state's revenues with too many layers of bureaucracy, too many people on his payroll in positions that were redundant. It might be better to just consolidate things financially and be a bit more spartan for a time.
"How do you see her?" I asked, sifting through some other papers on my desk, as Amelia took notes.
"I don't know," said Amelia, hesitantly. "She is still so obviously traumatized about it all. I mean it didn't happen to me, and I really can't imagine it, but I'm amazed that she is still so very affected by it. I guess… the thing is she looks fine now. But she really isn't fine. It's like she blames herself for what happened to Tray. Even Claudine and I mean, it was their war, right? Maybe she needed to be away, to find some other way to be, just to survive it. Sometimes Pam and I have talked about that. Plus, she's had so much bad stuff happen to her, even in addition to the fairies. But even though she seems like she completely rebuilt herself, her life and found something she could do that was really hers away from everything else supernatural, it's all built on that foundation of what happened to her. How do you see her?" She looked up at me with those piercing blue eyes of hers.
"I see her as extraordinary," was all I said.
She was extraordinary. To have been through so much and still be yourself? Amelia was right, I thought to myself. She had had so many bad things happen to her. Even going all the way back to her childhood. I mentally pushed aside Amelia's comments about her finding herself away from everything supernatural. No, she belonged here, at home, I told myself. I would work toward making that clear to her.
I sent Stefan with her to collect her things. I instructed him to make sure she was not charged for canceled nights. She seemed anxious but didn't argue. When they returned and Pam found out that Sookie really was going to be staying for the rest of her visit, she just couldn't miss the opportunity to make some snappy remarks about my keeping her locked in my bedroom at long last and what that might entail. I gave her a dark look. The wry reference to 'Stockholm Syndrome' was really the final straw. She left before I had to offer to throw her out of my office. But Sookie must have known she was kidding around because she didn't seem at all concerned by her banter.
A short time later, we lay in the bed talking, watching the candles flickering.
"So things seemed to have gone easily with Amelia?" I asked.
"Yes. It was easier than I thought it would be, or maybe just… not as painful. Pam told me that you invited Amelia tonight so that I could 'get it over with' on a night when you weren't busy. In case I got upset."
"We really had business to discuss, but yes, I thought it was better to have her come on a night that had few distractions."
As we talked she played with my fingers on my right hand, moving the joints and examining the fingernails. She was still so caught up in blaming herself if her frequent absorption with my hand was any indication.
"Sookie, you really need to let it go."
"Let what go?"
"My hand."
She started and turned to me with a slight gasp, as she quickly started to release my hand as if afraid she was somehow hurting me. I quickly laced her fingers in mine.
"No, that's not what I meant. I meant you need to let go of what happened. To me, to Bill. It wasn't your fault."
I looked at the light flickering across her face, which was unnaturally still. She didn't reply at first.
"I'll never let go of it," she whispered finally, swallowing hard. "And I'll never forget it."
"I don't want you to blame yourself for something that was not your fault. It was my decision. I would make the same choice again."
"Even if it wasn't my fault, it happened because of me. They hurt you because of me. I'm not ever going to forget that, Eric."
I felt this flood of emotion from her and she breathed unsteadily. I sighed. It was too raw a topic for her to discuss. I really wished that she had never found out about it at all. I kissed her, then got up and blew out the candles. I got back into the bed and pulled her closer, with her back against my chest, my arm wrapped around her waist.
We were quiet for a while and then she broke the silence.
"What did you think I was going to tell you earlier tonight?" she asked quietly.
"That you wanted children. That you hated the fact that I'm a vampire. Something that I couldn't fix. More about how you hate the bond. Or that you hate the all political bullshit in my life."
She laughed softly.
"That I hated the fact that you're a vampire? You have got to be kidding, Eric. It would be a little late for that one, wouldn't it?"
"Considering all the bullshit I have heard come out of your lovely mouth about the bond, frankly, nothing would have surprised me. If I had more sense, I'd be insulted by your doubting my feelings for you, considering our history. But luckily for you I'm not taking it personally. It says volumes about what you've been through is the way I'm looking at that one."
I paused and finally said, "Maybe I was afraid you would never forgive me for not having been able to rescue you from the fairies." Maybe I thought I didn't deserve much forgiveness for it.
She was silent for time then said,
"You did what you could do, Eric. You paid a terrible price for what you were able to do, too. What happened to me was not your fault. You protected me plenty of other times. I guess... It took a while to understand things. I won't lie and say that I wasn't blaming you back then for somehow having let me down or something. But it was unfair. Totally unfair. Then I switched to blaming myself for so many things. I guess that one isn't quite right either. But you had offered to protect me by having me stay with you. I didn't want what you offered because I wasn't ready to admit I needed more protection, or what it implied about you and me. Anyway, I do hate the politics. I really do. It frightens me. But that's just you. It's who you are."
Even if she was still blaming herself for some things, she forgave me. Amazing. So all that was left for me to forgive myself for having left her to Niall Brigant's hapless care. Yet again, I thought to myself bitterly that I should have known better than to trust to him. She was not the only one who had trouble forgetting or letting go of guilt. I found myself wanting to erase not just what had happened to her but that entire night when I left her alone. Then I brushed the thoughts aside. It was wasted rumination. What was done, was done. I was determined that we would move forward as we were. I would get her to move back, marry, be happy. We would just move forward from here. That was what I wanted, and I would get what I wanted. I was very good at getting what I wanted. And I was sure that what I wanted would be good for her as well. Even if she thought it was 'high-handed', I thought with amusement. In that moment, lying there, I was finally certain that this would work out. I pulled her closer and was silent as I enjoyed thinking about how well things were going after only two nights.
After another few minutes of quiet, she said, "So my thinking that you're going to get bored with me and totally break my heart is just an easy fix to you?"
If only all problems were so easily fixed… I kissed the back of her head as I felt the sunrise stealing the last of my awareness.
"Yes… my Lover… you're so wrong."
