And so it begins. A review that actually has a storyline (though a deliberatly silly one.)

Review replies;

Movie-Brat: It will...ahem...change your life. :| Thanks for reading!

TweenisodeOrange: Do so! The videos are really entertaining, if really, really cracky. Thanks for reviewing!

Cartooniac55: I've read this story and I have no idea what to make of it either. :\ Thanks for the review!

airnaruto45: It appears, good sir, that the act of saying 'please' might killth you. Nethertheless, thank you for reviewing.


Review Six – 'Half Life: Full Life Consequences' – Part I: The Nightmare Begins

It was a bright and sunny morning, and in a non-descript but colourful ice-cream parlour…evil was afoot.

There were five around the comically undersized table. Walt Disney tugged at his collar as he glanced nervously at William Howard Taft's (alias SpongeNSpongegirl) writing pad, shuddering as his eyes followed the scrawling. The Irate Reader of Batthan's was giving nervous glances at a wolf devouring a pile of Mountain Dew cans.

Essentially, everyone of the weird people who had a habit of turning up at the end of these reviews and yelling at me was conspiring right now. And leading them was my arch nemesis.

Well, actually, he wasn't my arch nemesis. In fact, we'd hardly ever spoken. But he was evil, I can assure you.

The Tsar Alexander III, by Grace of God, Emperor and autocrat of all the Russias, of Moscow, Kiev, Vladimir, Novgorod, Tsar of Kazan, Tsar of Astrakhan, Tsar of Poland, Tsar of Siberia, Tsar of Tauric Chersoneses, Tsar of Georgia, Lord of Pskov, and Grand Duke of Smolensk, Lithuania, Volhynia, Podolia, and Finland, Prince of Estonia, Livonia, Courland and Semigalia, Samotiga, Belostok, Karelia, Tver, Yugra, Perm, Vyatka, Bulgaria and other territories; Lord and Grand Duke of Nizhni Novgorod, Sovereign of Chernigov, Ryazan, Polotsk, Rostov, Yaroslavl, Beloozero, Udoria, Obdoria, Kondia, Vitebsk, Mstislavl, and all northern territories; Sovereign of Iveria, Kartalinia, and the Kabardinian lands and Armenian territories – hereditary Lord and Ruler of the Circassians and Mountain Princes and others; Lord of Turkestan, Heir of Norway, Duke of Schleswig-Holstein, Stormarn, Dithmarschen, Oldenburg, and so forth, and so forth, and so forth banged his fist on the table.

"They have not suffered enough!" he snapped.

His companions agreed, giving sinister nods.

"I have mailed them a torture that will destroy their reality!" continued the Tsar Alexander the III, by Grace of – oh Christ, we'll just call him the Tsar.

An evil grin crossed his face.

"Let's see him face the fury…of Full Life Consequences!"


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

Danny, Sam and Tucker exchanged confused glances as I screamed to the heavens.

"What're we reviewing today?" asked Sam, confused and vaguely anxious.

I paused, shuddering.

"Half Life: Full Life Consequences," I shuddered.

"Oh my god…not that…NOT THAT!" cried Danny.

Then he thought for a second.

"Wait, what?" he asked.

"Well, do you know anything about Half Life?" I asked.

"No," replied Danny.

"Good," I replied, "Because this story has nearly nothing to do with its canon."

I shuddered again.

"Right chaps…lets do this."

"Oh, come on," grinned Tucker, "It can't be that bad…"

John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer.

"Wow," gasped Tucker, "I don't know why, but that sentence really scares me."

"Your subconscious is telling you what you're getting in to," nodded Sam.

He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went.

"Wow – the dramatic tension is killing me," deadpanned Danny.

"Aliens and Monsters?" mused Tucker, "Didn't they make a movie about that?"

"Yes, and I would much rather be watching it right now," sighed Sam.

"Sam, that's product placement," I reprimanded, before taking a long sip of my Coca-Cola.

John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform

Tucker snickered.

"What's so funny?" asked Danny.

"He wet on the platform," chuckled Tucker.

Sam sighed.

"Yeah, that's really mature."

to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle

"Who leaves a motorbike on the freaking roof?" demanded Danny, "Explain, fanfic, ex-"

"Shhh, d'you want us to get sued?" snapped Sam.

and normal people close because he was in his office lab coat.

"Yeah, my dad wears a lab coat to work all the time," sighed Tucker.

John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences" so he had to go.

Sam let out a fake sniffle.

"That was such an uplifting and dramatic speech," she fake-cried.

John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed.

"…and got blood all over the pavement, the scamp," I grinned.

He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have weapon.

"Zombies? I thought we were fighting aliens and monsters?" demanded Tucker.

"You are using logic, Tucker," reminded Sam, "That's very bad."

The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.

There was a long silence, before Sam uttered a simple phrase.

"Wut."

the mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys".

"This man has the oratory talent of Napoleon, Churchill, Roosevelt and Orson Wells combined," I sighed.

John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.

"…because only possessed police officers pull you over for speeding," nodded Danny, sarcastically.

"That explains all the unpaid speeding tickets in Planktopolis," added Tucker.

"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said

"Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman.

"…and another thing," snapped Danny, "Why's he always called 'John Freeman?' Can't they just call him 'John?'"

"Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head

"But he didn't have weapon!" boomed Danny.

He paused, a dawning look of horror as he realised what he said.

"This story is infecting MY MIND!" he cried.

and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.

John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.

"Uhh…how much longer?" groaned Sam.

"We're about half done," I replied.

Sam groaned.

John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman.

"Where else would they be?" demanded Danny, "Behind him? Above him? On Mars, maybe?"

John Freeman smiled and walked fast. John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.

"Who just leaves a gun lying on the ground?" demanded Sam.

"FPS level designers," shrugged Tucker.

"Quiet, I wanna see what happens to the Zombie Goats," shushed Danny.

"Don't you mean Zombie Ghosts?" I asked.

"No. It's physically impossible to be dead twice."

John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place" and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.

"Behold, our sympathetic protagonist," I sighed.

Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead

"NO!" I shouted, "NOT THE PANTS!"

"All those wonderful pants!" added Danny, in mock horror.

"WWWWHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" cried Tucker, reaching to the sky in anguish.

and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.

When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss

"The final boss?" demanded Sam, "Seriously?"

"Well," shrugged Tucker, "You can't say it's not faithful to the source material."

"Well…not there," agreed Danny.

and Gordon said "John Freeman! Over here!"

"He calls his own brother 'John Freeman?'" exclaimed Danny, "Is that…aw, never mind."

so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see.

Gordon Freeman said "its time to end this ones and for all!" and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell.

"…and there was much rejoicing," nodded Tucker.

"Yay," we all said, unenthusiastically.

John Freeman said "thanks i could help, bro" and Gordon Freeman said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed.

The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled "LOOK OUT BRO!" and pointed up to the top of the sky.

"As opposed to the bottom of the sky," I sighed.

Gordon Freeman looked up and said "NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!" and John Freeman walked real fast out.

"Quick, John Freeman!" boomed Danny, "Mosey for your life!"

John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss

"But wasn't that the final boss?" asked Danny, confused.

"Yeah, that happens a lot in games," I replied.

and he was mad and angry.

"What?" I snapped, "But they both mean the same thing!"

"THIS IS AN ABOMINATION AGAINST ALL CREATION!"

"What was that?" asked Danny, as the lights started flickering and the room shook violently.

"Um…I think that line just annoyed a dark God," replied Sam.

"Just that line?" snapped Tucker.

"I'll get you back evil boss!" John Freeman yelled at the top of lungs.

There was one final violent shake, and I was thrown onto my back. Everything went dark.


When I woke up, I was alone in the reviewing room. On the walls, written in blood (well, actually, I later found out it was tomato sauce, but yeah), was a simple statement.

I HAVE TAKEN YOUR FRIENDS.

YOU MAY SAVE THEM IF YOU CAN YOU DO…WHAT HAS TOBE DONE.

Climbing to my feet, I glanced at the screen. I then grabbed my telephone.

"Bring it on," I growled, glancing at the last words on screen.

to be continued..?


I have a feeling Danny, Sam and Tucker aren't in Kansas anymore.

...not that they ever were, but yeah.