I'm sorry this chapter took so long but it was very challenging to write. I hope it was worth the wait.
...
7.
Maybe she should have eaten something but she hadn't been hungry all afternoon after her lunch with David. It's too late now because she's already in his street. Her stomach clenches and she is beginning to doubt herself. Again. She tries to breathe through the slight stomach ache while finding a spot to park the brown Ford she takes home from work these days. After parking the car half a block down from her destination, she sits in the car for a while, gathering the courage to walk up to his door. When she finally emerges, her fingers stiff on the door handle, she shivers when the cold evening air hits her. She should have put a coat on. She locks the car and starts walking towards the building. His new apartment. Where he lives alone, without a wife or children.
And then she hears voices in the street. Laughter. His laughter. There he is, with two other people. Young people. It's the twins. Olivia stops, her eyes widening a bit while her stomach does a few backflips. She wants to leave. He may have moved out, again, but he's still part of his family. She doesn't want to disturb his relaxed moment with Richard and Elizabeth but before she can turn around, Elizabeth spots her.
"Olivia!"
...
Every single hair on his body stands on end when he realizes she's here. Olivia is here and his entire being focuses on her. He stands motionless while his children run over to his former partner to greet her. He sees her blink a few times, as if she hadn't seen them coming, when Elizabeth wraps her arms around her.
"It's so good to see you! We were talking about you just this afternoon. How have you been?" Elizabeth rattles.
Elliot can see her force herself to give his daughter some attention but she radiates the same tense apprehension he is feeling. Why has she come? He has to admit he hadn't expected her. Not yet, anyway. She isn't exactly someone who acts on impulse when it comes to personal matters.
Richard greets Olivia too and she tells them she's fine but she had wanted to talk to their dad.
"Well, we were just leaving anyway so he's all yours," Richard says with a grin.
"Yeah. We're off now. I'm driving. Did you know I drive now, Olivia?" Elizabeth chatters on and Elliot can't help smiling at his daughter's act. Leave it to Elizabeth to try and diffuse the tension she had no doubt picked up the second he and Olivia spotted each other.
Olivia is a little overwhelmed. She hadn't expected the twins to be so happy to see her and now they're basically pushing her towards their father. She walks up to him with the kids, who say goodbye to their father quickly, 'to leave them to talk' as Richard puts it. She stands next to Elliot and they wave the kids off together. It feels surreal. They haven't said one word to each other yet and now they're smiling and waving like two parents seeing their children off. After Elizabeth's car has disappeared around the corner, they stand there for a few long moments in silence. What should she say? How does one start a conversation like this? 'Hey, it was good to see you again and by the way, I want you too? Kiss me again so I can take notes and compare you to David some more?' She shakes her head almost imperceptibly and stuffs her hands in the pockets of her sweater.
Elliot takes a deep breath and glances at Olivia. He is overwhelmed by her unexpected presence and her appearance takes him back to another night she'd shown up at his doorstep.
'There's a flower in your cup.'
What has she been doing since this morning? How much thinking has his beloved overthinker done so far? He wants to ask her why she's here but he bites his tongue just in time. He would push the wrong button if he asked her that. So instead, he tells her,
"I'm really glad you're here."
Olivia nods and bites her lip.
"We … I guess we need to talk."
"You wanna come in?"
"Okay."
...
She walks up with him on autopilot and wraps her arms around herself as soon as Elliot closes the door behind them.
"Welcome," he says and she forces a smile.
Why was she here again? Her eyes scan his face and the familiarity of his features is painful. It's the face she has been looking for every single day for the past nine months wherever she went. Not consciously, but she knows it. The completeness she feels when she looks at him is proof enough. And the way his eyes are now boring holes in her isn't uncomfortable at all. Or maybe she welcomes the discomfort, because she's even missed that; feeling awkward around him because of her hidden feelings. It's still way better than feeling lonely and cold without him.
"Are you cold?" Elliot asks her, and she thinks it's ironic.
"I was," she replies and it's the truth. Just standing in the same room as Elliot is helping her warm up again.
"You want some hot chocolate?" he asks and she chuckles.
"Hot chocolate?"
"I made some for the kids," Elliot says by way of explanation.
His 'kids' are all grown up already but somehow she thinks it's kind of sweet that he's made hot chocolate for them.
"Sounds good," she says quietly.
She really needs to snap out of it and remember why she's here, she thinks. But she'll take the quiet before the storm for now. There will be time enough to get agitated and not make sense. Or to get aroused and make complete sense for once in her life …
Elliot just nods and after glancing at her once more, he moves behind the breakfast bar to scoop some hot chocolate out of the pan and into a mug. She can't help wondering if he isn't cold himself, since he was just outside in just a t-shirt and jeans.
"Here you go."
"Thanks."
They are silent again and Elliot wonders if Olivia is going to tell him why she decided to come over tonight. She's clutching her mug with both hands as if she's afraid she's going to fall over if she lets go. It can't have been easy for her to come to him. He knows better than anyone that Olivia Benson doesn't open up. Maybe that's why he kissed her. To force her to open up about what has been so obvious between them for so long.
"Why don't we sit?" he suggests, and Olivia nods.
They move into the living area and she chooses the far end of his couch. Elliot sits down to her right, pulling one leg up on the couch and turning towards her, but leaving a respectable distance of several feet between them. She's not on the brink of running right now, so he doesn't need to crowd her like he did this morning. She sips her hot drink quietly for a while and Elliot waits, watching her. He can see she's been crying and he aches for her. She's still the most beautiful creature he's ever seen, just like this. With no makeup on, her hair messy and in casual clothes, she is perfect. She can knock an entire room flat when she's all dressed up in sexy clothes with perfect hair and makeup, but she is always beautiful to him.
He sits up a little straighter when she takes a breath to say something.
"I don't know how to do this, El."
El.
How he's missed it to hear her call him that. It's the first indication that she hasn't come over to tell him off or create even more distance between them.
"What do you mean exactly Liv?" he asks, using her own nickname too. "What is 'this'?"
Olivia chuckles humorlessly.
"I suppose that's been the question all along, hasn't it?"
Her brown eyes finally meet his blues and he swallows hard. She isn't on guard as usual. She seems … broken. Vulnerable. She doesn't have all the answers this time. Not this time, and she's looking at him to help her. The fact that she still seems to trust him to help her, even subconsciously, moves him and he wants to move closer to her. He doesn't. He doesn't want to overstep, again. He needs to give Olivia space to make up her mind and to approach him if she wants to. He vows not to kiss her again unless she initiates it.
...
Olivia knows why she's here but it's not easy to break the old patterns they have perfected over the years. She can't do it alone. She knows that Elliot has made a very big overture but that was hours ago and this feels like starting over. He is keeping his distance now. That may be new in itself, she realizes, already different from the in-each-others-face approach they are used to. And they are openly addressing what's been brewing between them. That's another thing that's new. They are in uncharted territory and she needs something to hold on to. The way they know and read each other has always been enough to maintain their balance, but now something needs to change. They both need to be willing to lose their balance before finding a new equilibrium. Together.
"Just tell me … why you came over tonight."
Elliot is helping her along. His question isn't an accusation. His voice is gentle and his face is open. It helps her find her voice.
"You came back," she says, and she knows she is sounding a bit pathetic.
"Did you really think I wouldn't?" Elliot asks.
She sighs.
"You made it pretty hard for me to keep believing," she tells him honestly. "Nine months Elliot. You could have died and I wouldn't have known."
She knows she sounds bitter and hurt and she is.
"Even a little note saying 'I'll be back' would have made so much difference …"
Her voice breaks and she tries to take a deep breath, but it's a short one instead, as if she's gasping for air. She sees Elliot's hand twitch on the backrest of the couch and she knows he wants to reach for her. It's as if her skin is already anticipating his touch and it's ridiculous how badly she wants it. But he doesn't reach for her and he doesn't say anything. When she looks at him, she sees that same sad look of regret in his eyes again.
"I'm sorry," he whispers and while he's barely made a sound, she hears him loud and clear.
She swallows and nods, then takes another sip of her hot chocolate. It's drinking temperature now and she welcomes the warmth as the warm liquid travels down to her stomach. It's as if that warmth inside her helps her to relax just a little bit. She knows they need to hash this out once and for all, and she knows it has to be with words, not silent understandings.
"It took me months to even acknowledge that I had a new partner. And even longer before I actually noticed anyone again. David was the first one …"
Her voice breaks again and tears well up in her eyes unexpectedly.
"The first one who made me feel anything again."
She looks in her cup and swirls the remaining chocolate around. From the corner of her eye she sees Elliot sit up a little straighter and she knows what's next. He's always been jealous of whoever she'd been dating, although he never had any right to be jealous. He should know that the emotions she is feeling aren't deep feelings for David, but that it's pain that's triggered at the memory of how numb she'd been without him. Without Elliot.
"Have you been seeing him long?"
Her head whips up and she looks at him, eyebrows raised. She hadn't expected that question. She had expected him to try and undercut her relationship with David again, like he had done that morning. Not that this quiet question is less confronting, but Elliot still doesn't know how new her involvement with David truly is.
"A few weeks," she states flatly.
It's not a lie. She's met David almost a month ago and they've been on a few dates since. Olivia watches Elliot for a reaction and she can see he is working hard to keep himself under control. She knows the jealous asshole he can be is somewhere in there but at least he is making an effort not to unleash him just yet.
"Is he good to you?" Elliot asks and she knows it's an even more difficult question for him to ask her.
"He is," she says, nodding. "We've been talking about disclosing to our bosses."
Elliot bites his lower lip and she can't help staring at his lips. She sees him swallow and sees the muscles in his jaw work and she has to remind herself to keep breathing. She knows she isn't playing fair. They haven't been talking about disclosing. David has, and she's told him she doesn't know if she's ready for that. He hasn't asked her why not but by now, she thinks he knows that a big part of her list of reasons revolves around the man sitting in front of her right now.
"Sounds serious," Elliot says tersely.
...
Elliot can feel the tension radiating off him in waves. He wants to touch Olivia, and if she keeps this up, he will want to grab her and shake some sense into her very soon. It's torture for him to just sit there and wait for her to finally tell him why she's here. He thought he knew but he isn't sure now. This morning, he'd been completely sure of himself and of them. The way she'd responded to his kiss had spoken volumes. But now, seeing her pain and how she is speaking of this David finally making her feel something again … he hadn't expected that. He doesn't know what he expects of her now.
"I … I just," Olivia stammers and he thinks it's the first time she is stammering while talking to him.
She sighs and tries again.
"I couldn't leave things like that between us."
Elliot nods. He feels himself getting frustrated with Olivia.
"I see. "So the reason you're here is … what? To tell me it was good to see me but that's it? Like a courtesy call?"
Olivia puts her mug down on his coffee table and he can tell she is moving slowly deliberately, probably to keep her hands from shaking. She puts her hands in her lap and looks down at them, and then answers his question softly.
"No."
"Then what Liv!"
Her head snaps up at his exasperated tone and he can see a very familiar fire ignite in her eyes. But there is something else there that he can't quite place.
...
It's uncanny how much she's missed this. She actually welcomes his anger. It is so familiar to her and it's something she knows how to deal with. It almost feels like coming home and she stands up to face Elliot. He stands as well and it's like those months apart evaporate. There is still a distance of a few feet between them but his intensity is already overlapping with hers. It's truth time and she thinks it will be easier to get the words out in an argument than in a quiet heart to heart.
"You knew!" she says, pointing at him and raising her voice a bit. "You knew you were the only man I trusted! And you know why! You know me, Elliot."
She takes a deep breath and all the hurt she felt when she was crying earlier, hits her again. It has to come out. Elliot needs to hear it.
"I convinced myself I didn't need you and just when I actually manage to feel something for someone again ..."
"Liv, I didn't know!" Elliot interjects, but she isn't finished.
"Of course you didn't know! You thought I'd be waiting for you, just like I've always been waiting for you! Good and patient little Liv, right?!"
"No!"
...
He steps closer to her and she doesn't budge. Her chest is heaving and Elliot has to force himself not to look at it. He stares into her eyes instead. Is she right? Hadn't he expected her to still be single and burying herself in work, just like always? But he doesn't see her the way she's depicting herself right now, pining away for him.
"No?" she challenges. "So you've actually considered the possibility that I might be seeing someone?"
"I … I don't know," he admits and Olivia huffs.
"Sure you do. You couldn't have been more surprised to see me with a man last night."
She sees right through him but he has to convince her he doesn't see her as someone who was or has to be at his beck and call all the time.
"I was a little shocked but not for the reasons you think," he maintains.
Olivia takes a small step back and tilts her head.
"Enlighten me, detective," she says and her eyes are daring him to say something wrong.
He loves her more than he can say. He loves her just like this, all riled up and ready to pounce on him if he makes a wrong move. He has half a heart to grab her and kiss her right now, but he doesn't. He can't. He vowed he wouldn't unless she kisses him first.
Instead, he needs to tell her how he feels about her. What he thinks of her and why he came back to her. Full disclosure.
"I felt ashamed as it was," he tells her, and his voice is hoarse with emotion. "I didn't need an audience. I will admit I had hoped it would just be you and me so I could tell you …"
He takes a breath and he can tell Olivia is listening to him. She is breathing fast as well.
"Tell me what?" she asks and her voice betrays her own jumbled emotions.
"Everything I told you this morning."
...
Olivia remembers. She remembers every single word of what he's told her this morning. His apologies. His admission that he'd been wrong, not contacting her for so long. That he's missed her. That he wants her.
"It's all true Liv," Elliot repeats. "I just left one thing out."
Olivia takes a step back and starts shaking her head. She knows what he's about to say and she isn't ready to hear it.
"You can't just walk out of my life when you feel like it, and then walk back in and just assume …" she starts, but Elliot cuts her off.
"I didn't feel like leaving, Liv. I had to. But I was always coming back. How could I not come back t …"
His voice breaks unexpectedly and he puts a hand over his eyes while taking a shaky breath. Her love for him overrides her own pain for the moment and Olivia steps closer to him, wanting to comfort him for some reason. She doesn't touch him but he drops his hand when he hears her speak to him.
"That's what I've been wondering. How could you not come back to me?"
"I was always coming back," he croaks out and her fingers are itching to touch him.
They are both hurting and it shouldn't be this difficult to close the distance between them. But she's still scared to death of the fire. She can feel it now. It burns between them, the flames already flaring up just because of how close they are standing to each other. The words are pushed from her lips before she can stop them.
"I'm scared."
"Of what? Me?" he asks her, his red rimmed eyes trained on hers.
She shakes her head.
"Never."
His hands reach for her but then he stops himself. She doesn't want him to stop. Her skin aches for his touch and she slips her hands into his before she can change her mind. She may be afraid of the fire but she isn't afraid of Elliot.
"Then what?"
"Us."
The single word comes out as a whisper and Olivia looks down at his chest. She doesn't think she's ever been this honest with Elliot before.
"Why?"
His thumbs are caressing the backs of her hands soothingly but there is despair in his voice, in his 'why'.
"Because of this," she answers, releasing one of his hands and gesturing between the two of them. "Because this is what we always do. We hurt each other."
...
She releases his other hand as well and he misses her touch instantly. He's surprised she has touched him at all but her words force him to focus on what she is saying.
"Maybe we do but we always find each other again, Liv. We have for years. And I believe we always will," he tells her.
"What if I don't believe that?"
Elliot closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He forces himself to think before he speaks again. They need to have this conversation and Olivia doesn't need any more frustration from him now. He needs to convince her to give them a try.
"We're both strong-willed, I know that. But that's what's always made us such a great team, Liv."
"On the job."
"It's always been about more than just the job and you know it."
"Do I?"
She's challenging him again. They need to put all of their assumptions into words to take away all doubt about who and what they are to each other.
"It's always been about more than just the job for me," he tells her. "I thought you knew that."
"So did I," she says sadly. "Until you left."
"I already told you …" Elliot says, but he stops himself.
...
Olivia wonders why. They've never held back before so why start now? Elliot shakes his head and seems to be searching her eyes for clues on how to continue this complicated dance they've started. They aren't used to vocalizing all the things that have been brewing between them but she has to admit it's good to hear him say things out loud that she's wondered about for so long.
"Yeah. You already told me," she says, giving him some space so he can continue saying what he wants to say to her.
"I know we've said things to each other in the past," Ellios says. "About not choosing each other over the job. But we always did and we always would. You know that."
Olivia nods. He's right. It has always been about more than just the job between them.
"I chose you over the job when I shot Jenna."
"What?"
There are fresh tears in his eyes and the raw pain she sees in his blue irises makes her heart go out to him.
"I aimed to kill."
She shakes her head vigorously, still defending her partner as always.
"No. No! It was a good shoot. IAB cleared you. You had to shoot her."
"She'd just shot Sister Peg."
Olivia remembers. She'd been covered in the Sister's blood.
"That could have been you."
Suddenly it's not so hard to close the distance between them. Olivia steps forward and wraps her arms around Elliot's waist.
"It wasn't," she tells him firmly.
...
Elliot sinks into her embrace and clings to her for dear life. He never wants to let go again. He needs her. Everything he's done over the past months was for her. Getting his own place, finalizing his divorce, therapy. It was all so he could come back to her and give her everything she deserves. And in return, she will chase away the nightmares of the bloodbath that had lead to his retirement. And she will allow him to be the man he's always wanted to be. For her.
Olivia closes her eyes and breathes him in. His arms close around her like a vice and she feels whole.
This is what they do. They are a raging fire but as soon as one of them falters, the other one steps up to catch them. They are two equals but the instant one of them weakens, the other one is the strong one. They will never let each other fall. And if they ever do fall, they'll fall together. Maybe they are destined to fall together eventually and be swallowed by the fire. Maybe they will rise up as a phoenix from the ashes of their past. She needs to decide if she's willing to fall with him. If she's willing to burn with him. If there is even a life for her without him.
…
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