HAI GUISE, I'M IN CANADALAND. I'm pretty excited about the whole "being in Canada" thaang. Because mountains are cool.
I've been working on this since I left, but haven't had an internet connection at any of the campsites I've stayed on, until now.
Why are there mosquitoes in Canada? I'm in the frikin' mountains, and there are mosquitoes. That's just wrong.
But yes. Ignoring the freakish mosquitoes, I hope you like this. After this, there is an epilogue. Which I said last chapter. But yes. I might, one day, if I feel like it, write an alternate ending.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Oscar Wilde, or his book The Picture of Dorian Gray.
Chapter Seven
Logical Irrationality
Light-kun's illness bothered me a great deal more than I let on to any of the task force. As far as they were aware, Light-kun did not desire any visitors, and my visits were simply to provide him with the necessary sustenance his body require to recover.
It was just a cold. I worried more than was necessary, but then, there is something about Light-kun that drives me to make extreme decisions.
It hurt a lot more than I let on, that Light-kun had asked Misa to see him, rather than confide in me. I had watched the entire twenty minute exchange on the cameras in the room. Light-kun had clearly been ignoring Misa, although I doubt even his own mother would have known. I doubt there is anybody who knows Light Yagami quite as well as I do. I do not mean that we are intimate- although at times we are- I understand him.
It is perfectly simple, really. Had I, L Lawliet, grown up as Light-kun has, had it been I who had found that notebook, I would have done exactly as he did. I would have taken Justice into my own hands.
Light-kun and I are not so very different. I am sure that, given my upbringing, he would have become L. he would have done the things I have done, perhaps even been better at it.
I have no doubts, whatsoever, that Light-kun is Kira.
Which means that I owe him my sanity.
Kira killed Beyond Birthday.
Beyond Birthday was very slowly killing me.
I was unable to look at twenty-four hour clocks for fear of the time being 13:13. I despised the very word birthday, and I could barely stand looking in the mirror. My reflection was my greatest fear.
Before Beyond Birthday I was simply an insomniac, now I am afraid to sleep, because in my dreams I see him.
It seems ridiculous, to be so afraid of him, but he is like me in every way. That is a truth which is, quite simply, terrifying. If he was capable of the things he did, then so am I. I took his name, Ryuuzaki, to remind myself.
Light is like that too. I would be him in his circumstances. He would be me in mine.
Light-kun was confined to his bed for a total of three days. I did not notice the change until the third day.
It was a subtle difference at first, which is, perhaps, why I did not notice sooner. Light-kun looked less stressed; there was a glimmer in his eyes that I had not seen since the days before Higuchi. In direct contradiction to that, he seemed anxious about something, as if he had received a troubling piece of news.
I was bothered by that.
When he was Kira, he was cold, calculating and ruthless.
When he was Light-kun, he was relaxed, determined, and different. Although he was still calculating.
Light-kun is all drive, ambition, beauty, arrogance, intelligence and determination. He is the sort of person who could, quite rightly, fill out a form and put their race as superior. I doubt that he would though. For all his attitude, he is still an insecure teenage boy.
It was the evening of the fourth day when we spoke. It was late; the rest of the taskforce had gone home. The handcuffs no longer connected us. He seemed like Light-kun again, not Kira. I was always with him, they were unnecessary.
'Ryuuzaki… L… I have something I need to tell you.' Light-kun seemed… well, nervous didn't quite cover it.
'What is it, Light-kun?' was he about to confess?
'Look.' He passed me his laptop.
It showed an e-mail, sent by him to… him. That was odd.
Trepidation filled me. I wanted to be right, but I didn't. If he was Kira… I wasn't sure what I would do. He could be- there were still killings. Old criminals now and those who had not been convicted.
I began to read.
Light Yagami, you are, you were, Kira…
I read in silence. I could not speak. I could barely breathe.
'You… sing in the shower?' it wasn't what I had intended to say, but somehow it jumped all my other questions.
Light-kun said nothing.
'Why are you showing me this, Light-kun?' I asked, as gently as I could.
'Because…' he hesitated, continued slowly. 'I… I love you, L.'
I have never before understood the concept of a deafening silence, but the total lack of sound of any kind it that moment was louder than anything I had ever heard.
It was up to me now, I knew.
Light-kun had put himself entirely at my mercy.
He was so many things.
My best friend, my worst enemy, guilty, innocent, arrogant, insecure, confident, scared.
Images of him flashed through my mind.
Head thrown back, laughing at some idiotic joke.
Frowning in concentration.
Glaring when I called him Kira.
His head thrown back, writhing, panting and screaming beneath me.
He loved me. He had given up, because he knew I never would, until he killed me.
I would never give up pursuing Kira.
But Light-kun was no longer Kira.
I made my decision.
I deleted the e-mail with a few keystrokes.
There was no visible trace of it. I would need an accomplished hacker if I ever wanted to see it again.
'I love you, too, Light-kun.'
For a long moment, neither of us spoke.
I do not think I can ever explain what I did. It was against everything I stood for as L, as Justice. Yet I do not doubt that it was the right choice. I could not have lived with myself if I had arrested Light-kun. I would not have wanted to. The way Light-kun makes me act is irrational, and yet, because it is Light-kun, it is somehow logical.
Light-kun makes me something I can never be on my own. He is not aware of that fact, and I do not think he ever truly will be. I can read people, I can solve the unsolvable. But I will never truly understand Light-kun.
I believe that if I was called upon to justify my decision my only defence would be that I love Light-kun.
The silence was broken by the sound of people hitting pillows, as Light-kun, for the second time in recent history, threw himself at me, wrapping his arms around me. Our lips met in a chaste kiss. We broke apart, still not speaking.
I pulled the boy closer as he began to cry.
Even when in tears he was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
As Oscar Wilde said, beauty is a form of genius- is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation. I agree wholeheartedly with those words, and I, with all my genius, could not have put it better myself. Light-kun's beauty would be impossible to describe in any of the many languages I know.
'Don't cry.' I told him. I stroked his hair awkwardly. I do not deal well with emotional outbursts.
Light-kun did not stop crying for a further ten minutes. When he was finally calm, he wiped his eyes.
'Sorry.'
We both knew that he didn't need to apologise.
We lay there, in silence, for a long, long time. Eventually, Light-kun fell asleep, his head lying on my shoulder. He looked incredibly peaceful, and if I had not been able to hear his soft, steady breathing in my ear, I would have thought he was dead.
I shifted, trying to get comfortable without disturbing Light-kun. I ended up lying down, my legs stretched out, and my arms wrapped around him.
When Light-kun awoke the following morning, he seemed more surprised that he had fallen asleep fully clothed than that he had slept in my arms. I wondered, idly, if he had known what I would do, or had guessed at it. I didn't like to think so- I would never tell him, but it wounds my ego to be thought of as predictable. Many things wound my ego; I am under no delusions about how large it is, or how egotistical I am. I just pretend otherwise. I would never rob Light-kun of things to complain about, that would be simply cruel.
'Good morning, L.' Light-kun smiled up at me.
'And the same to you, Light-kun.' As I spoke, I gently extricated myself from him. We needed to change before work, after all.
'Are you really not going to arrest me?'
'No, Light-kun, I am not.' I paused. 'I no longer have any evidence, anyway.'
'So… what will you do now? There's someone out there somewhere, killing criminals.' Light-kun looked a little puzzled.
'We will apprehend the culprit, Light-kun. I invited you to join the investigation team, not just because I thought you were Kira, but because if you were not, your intelligence was an invaluable asset.'
Light-kun nodded. He was being uncharacteristically quiet, normally he'd have been complaining about the lack of immediate breakfast or… something.
'Well then, we had better get dressed, hadn't we?' he smiled, and got off the bed.
It took more self-control than I possessed not to look at him while he changed.
It took more self-control than he possessed not to jump me when he saw me looking.
In the end, we were forced to skip breakfast altogether, in favour of a shower, and, on Light-kun's part, the application of a more than a little concealer. I do not think Chief Yagami would have taken kindly to the large red marks on his only, and supposedly straight, son's neck.
That was a conversation none of us were quite ready to have.
