Disclaimer: I don't own Phil of the Future. I just love the series!

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Taking Charge Now

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In place of pretzels, cookies or chips, the bowl the hand dove into was filled with memory sticks. Was there going to be a yearbook this year? Yeah. In book form? Nope, there wasn't money in the budget for that ... well, there was, but it was a matter of priorities and Keely had almost surprised herself. Not a simple task for someone who dealt with the amazing and the bizarre daily, but this came very close. Admittedly, it hadn't been a popular topic for her to present in a series of commentaries in her morning reports. "Not popular?" The booing that came through the video lab's walls from all over the school startled her during her first few broadcasts before she came to expect it. Her hallway locker vandalized, gym locker emptied out while she was showering, Keely finding herself pushed outside in only a skimpy towel, oh, and the threats. For the first time since she had one, Keely kept her cell powered down for emergencies only. Lucky for her, she has an understanding mother who stood behind her daughter. (Not to mention a best friend/fairy godmother who could wizrd a towel into slinky evening gown that couldn't help but be noticed. They didn't try that one again - it garnered Teslow too much attention from the boys.)

Keely was surprised that the staff at H. G. Wells was so resistive to her proposal, like the rest. It wasn't like she was asking much of them, but here were some of the same people who handed out long assignment to students all year long, but ask them to scribble down some facts about themselves and you'd have thought that you were assigning them a five thousand word essay on what margins were good for.

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BAD LANGUAGE AT SCHOOL: Quiz, Test, Exam, Fail

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CH7 H. G. Wells School Employees

Herbert G. Wells Jr./Sr. High School Employees:

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Administration:

Vice-Principal O'Donnell: (played by Steve White) (We'll Fix It In Editing #108) / Principal Smythe (Milkin' It #107): H.G. Wells's principal the first season
The only extremely chipper, perpetually in motion and dreadlock-wearing administrator at Wells. Nearsighted, he wears black framed glasses to address students. (Milkin' It #107) His office wall is adorn with photos of legendary H.G. Wells fast-walking champions:
Wendy "Hot Legs" Hotchkiss, Steve "The Stride" Jones, and Kenny Coco, who wore his shorts pulled up to his chest. (We'll Fix It In Editing #108 - Tan Shooting Draft)

Perspective on life: asked whether a glass is half full or half empty, he would insist that you looked thirsty and need to replenish your fluid levels immediately. IMMEDIATELY!

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Principal Tillywack: H.G. Wells's principal the 2nd season, he's mentioned in passing from time to time, referred to, but only seen in photo. (Pim-cipal #217) "The Wacker" is often on fact finding missions with the Pickford School Board to such desolated places as Hawaii and Tahiti. (#217)

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Principal Pim: "P.I.M. Perfect, Infallible, Modest." Although her reign was much shorter than she intended (Principal For Life), Pim's 100 hours as principal achieved landmark changes to the H. G. Wells campus in her efforts to buy students' affections (or fear):
- Vice-Principal Hackett resignation was written, signed and accepted by Pim,
- The two hour lunch period was introduced,
- an all-you-can-eat prime rib buffet,
- gym classes were eliminated ("Say Goodbye to Gym - Principal Pim"),
- free foot massages by former PE teachers available in the former Teachers' Lounge,
- every afternoon declared "Movie Afternoon,"
- a new monetary system was established, "Pim Bucks," in twenty buck denominations,
- the "Pim Re-Education Center" was founded ("Hey, you with the face"), and
- an increased funding to all crafts shops and clubs. Shop class and Ceramics Club were immediately ordered to redirect their efforts into the production of statues, murals, and other forms of art commemorating their new principal.

There was an upset in the programming of H. G. Wells broadcasts ("Breakfast with Pim," "Kickin' It With Pim," "Pim's Pro Football Wrap-up," as well as a change of news anchor (Pim-cipal #217 - White Table Draft)), and rumors abound that this was the straw that broke her administration, as it was a live school interview which ousted the youngest "popular or else" Principal in school history. Wells immediately returned to pre-Pim conditions with the reinstatement of Keely Teslow as gal news anchor, and the removal cameras for constant video surveillance of the student body. "Invincible Principal Pim" indeed. (Pim-cipal #217)

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Vice-Principal Neil Hackett: H. G. Well's vice-principal and the Diffys' new neighbor.

APPEARANCES

- Season One [6 episodes]:
Future Tutor #101
Future Jock #102
Corner Pocket #103
You Say Toe-Mato #104
Meet the Curtis #105
Age Before Beauty #112

- Season Two [12 episodes]:
Dinner Time #203
Mummy's Boy #205
Time Release Capsule #210
Ill of the Future #212
Christmas Break #213
Good Phil Hunting #214
Stuck In the Meddle With You #215
Where's the Wizard? #216
Pim-cipal #217
It's a Wonder-Phil Life #218
Not-So-Great Great, Great, Grandpa #221
Back to the Future (Not the Movie) #222

- Phil of the Future Game Boy Advance cartridge

Introduced as vice-principal early in the series, Hackett - Sorry! - Vice-Principal Hackett also held other duties including that of H. G. Wells news anchor (#102), school counselor (#103), Pim's social studies teacher (#104) and Phil's biology teacher. (#112)

Personality:
- Honest. Appears in 18 episodes and Hackett won't be caught lying in any of them.
- Honorable. He's a man of his word. When Neil loses a wager, he doesn't back out even if it means he ends up on television wearing a wedding dress. (#102)
- Polite and law-abiding - if you don't count breaking into the Diffys' upstairs when they had greenemia (#212), or trying to uncover what the secret is behind the Diffys (#203), or refusing to hand over the "Astrolator" when told to, (#216) or looking the other way when Phil and Keely attempt to overthrow the despot who fired him and took his tie. (#217)
- Very suspicious of the Diffys - thinks they may be aliens. (#216), but that's not surprising considering what he named his dog.
- More failures than successes in the romantic relationship department. (#101); Divorced, he told Phil that his wife ran off with his therapist, (#112), but told Barbara that his wife ran off with the circus. (#205 - Blue Shooting Draft) At one time he hoped for reconciliation (#101), but he has moved past that and gone on to dating on his own. (#112)
- Insecure, his desk nameplate has his title first and in a larger font than his name (#215), just like the one on the door outside his office (#216); he also prefers people use his title (Vice-Principal Neil) even in informal settings. (#203) Hackett's portrait is hanging on ceiling of every even numbered classroom.
- Perspective On Life: asked whether the glass of water is half-full or half-empty, Neil Hackett would ask why you didn't finish that water before you walk in the school hall to ask him, order you to drink the rest of it before you could answer, tell you to make sure you don't spill any that someone could slip upon, and then break out a smile to soften his tone as he genuinely asked you what was your question again.

Occupations:
- Currently employed by the Pickford School District, as a teacher, counselor and vice-principal at H.G. Wells Jr.\Sr. High School; although he was once fired as vice-principal under Article Three of the school charter, courtesy of Pim. (#217)
- Acted as the H. G. Wells news anchor on the school's closed circuit news broadcasts (#102) until he was replaced by Keely Teslow. He didn't step down gracefully; however, and his ageism lawsuit against the district is still pending. (#212)
- Has toured as a professional ballroom dancer. Toured with "The Curtsies" performing ballroom dancing for six years "all over" (Canada, Arizona). (#112)
- Was in the army and still gets together sometimes with his army buddies. (#221)

Awards:
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Not a lot, so the frames littering his office walls oft contain school logos, pictures of student athletes, and participation certificates so his few recognized accomplishments don't appear to be lonely. (#216)
- A past Pickford Yuletide Star Prince - 2002, according to the red sash he wears, thus he was a prince the year before Keely was the princess! (#213) It seems she has a knack for replacing him.

Unique Talents Beyond Ballroom Dancing:
- Extraordinarily skilled with sound effects (#221)
- Knows how the town got the name "Pickford*," something that a lot of people don't know. (#203)

Memberships:
- Recipe collecting circle
- UFO Watchers / Chili Sampler Club - Hackett covets their prized Silver Pheasant Award and wears the club's embroidered "Pickford UFO Club" beige vest (#212)
- Society of Surfer Teachers (Phil of the Future Books #2 The Great Fake-Out) - which finally explains Neil Hackett's exit with boogie board as Counselor Neil Hackett in (#103).

Also Known As:
- "Guy Gabbiota" in (Pim-cipal) as his alias when he interviews for his former vice-principal's position. (#217)
- Code name in (Pim-cipal) is "Lance Tankman." He's very insistent upon it being Lance Tankman and nothing else. Lance Tankman. (#217)

Living with his mother in Season One, Neil received spa treatments from her for moving out of her house. (#217 - White Table Draft) Season Two, he moved next door to the Diffys, to the right of their home. (#203) The interior of his home is filled with models, photographs, and memorabilia from terrestrial and extraterrestrial space programs and the occasional classic sci-fi movie on display. (#216) His small dog's name is Roswell, as in "aliens crash landed in Roswell, New Mexico." (#216)

Follically challenged and sensitive about it: this brown-eyed administrator once ordered a "Lorenzo Lamas" toupee hairpiece which was half installed (#104); the "El Tigre" scalp wax that he tried smelled like cabbage (#112); even surrendering himself to Madam Pim prognosticated prescription for rapid hair growth. (#215) Except when under extreme emotional duress (#112), Neil Hackett dresses as a spiffy nerd … geek … dork? Whichever one is guaranteed immediate occupancy in the nearest trash can. He wears vests and sweater vests, paisley socks, and is not averse to ties of the bow variety. (#215) If you would be brave enough to venture there, in his back pocket you'd discover a pocket-sized copy of the school bylaws (#217), but sadly no comb.

A child of the '60s, Neil is born in Woodstock, New York, in 1969 in a drum circle. (#215) He's allergic to sheep and sheep byproducts (#212), misses his mother's brisket and cherries flambe (#203), drinks coffee, and loves all forms of dance (#112), so that bite on his left calf which he receives from Curtis may concern him more than most. (#105) He is trying to sell his mini van during Phil's 9th grade year (#115) and leases a 1982 Bravada hatchback the following year. (#217)

Mr. Hackett enjoys stunning his math classes with Foucault's Last Conundrum. If anyone can solve it, then no homework for the entire class for the rest of the semester. Four is the answer (the last student who guessed said "corduroy"); third grade stuff for Phil, just a simple matter of abstract computronics. (#214)

Hackett has seen and used a Wizrd effectively, which he knew as an "astrolator," and believed it to be a device of alien origin. In addition to materializing a miniature pony in a Punchinello hat, he has utilized the Wizrd to temporarily enhance his musculature and provide himself with a head full of long blonde hair. (#216)

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Staff:
In order alphabetically by last name.

Nurse Alasia - turns 108 next week and the candles on her cake will likely trigger the fire alarm. (Broadcast Blues #219)

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Mr. Angst - (Versa Day #202) and (Time Release Capsule #210)
Science teacher Mr. Angst personality has bouts of melancholy resulting from the majority of his tech savvy students possessing no interest in science. Phil (locked in Pim's form for a versa day) shows an interest in science, providing the spark to free Angst from the purgatory of teaching junior high science to teenage zombies. It's been observed that Mr. Angst prefers science to teach science to students, yet like most teachers, Mr. A finds joy in competent students. (#202) Like Mr. Hackett, Mr. Angst is also clean shaven above his eyebrows. Below his eyebrows he wears black-rimmed thick glasses. Angst pushes Harvey Snifflekins, the Junior Science Squad's mascot rat, to bring home the gold. (#210)

Perspective On Life: If asked whether a glass of water is half-full or half-empty, Angst would approach it scientifically and recognize that the glass's purpose is to contain a fluid and it is fulfilling its function without error, and as the glass is not suffering from a failure of structural integrity (i.e., leaking), it must therefore be concluded that the vessel is half-full, just as it would be one-quarter full immediately after he quenched his thirst from delivering his mini lecture on containment of H2O within the cavity of a cylindrical prism. Only when all water was absent from the glass would he feel comfortable using the word empty.

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Miss Brickle - The teacher whose health class Seth Wosmer "sleepwalks" into, or so he claimed. (It's a Wonder-Phil Life #218)

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Coach Buchinsky - The Eastern European accented Boys' Gymnastics Coach who so wants to win. He lives in a tiny one room apartment, one so small that he prepares and cooks his lunch in the smelly gymnasium. Although interested in new talent, he really is more interested in not missing his lunch. (Future Jock #102)

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Miss Donaldson - huggy English teacher who hopefully is a better at instructing than she is hiding her lack of respect for Mr. Hackett (Future Jock #102)

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Mr. Duke - According to a posted flyer, he'll be waiting for students in the parking lot on Saturday morning … and waitin' and waitin' … (Where's the Wizard? #216)

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Cafeteria Lady Doreen - if you wish to apply for the vice-principal position under Principal Pim, the interview line starts behind Doreen. (Pim-cipal #217 - White Table Draft)

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Chef DuPré - Speaks with a thick southern United States accent, DuPré has cooked at some of the finest schools and prisons in Lou'siana, and from the looks of him, he's made a practice of sampling his cuisine constantly. His dishes' names all start out with the word "blackened (hot dogs)." (Age Before Beauty #112)

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Ms. Hermione Feinstein - (Versa-Day #202) and (Happy Nird Day #209)

Phil's elderly English teacher (including quatrains) whom Pim (transformed into Phil) serenades is the only teacher at H. G. Wells who also writes her first name on the chalkboard. (#202) Ms. Feinstein judges Keely's oral report on the Red Badge of Courage as an "A," yet adds that Keely will have to factor in a "D-" for her poor visual aid (Phil in a bunny suit). "C+" now. Thanks a lot, Phil. (#209)

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Mr. Flavin - mentioned only in passing, the unseen math teacher for whom Hackett substitutes. (Good Phil Hunting #214)
He is possibly the "Unnamed male math teacher" mentioned below.

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Mrs. Friedlander - Busy fiddling with her ying-yang balls while her student are busy taking her test (Meet the Curtis #105 - Blue Production Draft), she is distracted by Keely attempting to prevent her from seeing Phil go after Curtis in an H.G. Wells's hallway. (Meet the Curtis #105)

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Mr. Ginsberg - (Pheromonally Yours #106) and (Your Cheatin' Heart #111)
A teacher partial to coco-nana smoothies (#106), Ginsberg teaches humanities courses including Poetry (#106) and Drama. Speaking of "drama," Mr. Ginsberg is oblivious during his critique to the underlying drama suddenly improving Keely's performance. (#111)

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Miss Hanks - algebra teacher in first episode, short, but wears high heels, has extra credit algebra problems on chalkboard for math lovers only. Phil may just be her new favorite. Keely and Tia? Not so much. (Future Tutor #101)

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Mr. Hopkins - Pim cheats on his anatomy quiz by using invisible ink and Debbie in a yellow jumpsuit, then confesses. (Tanner #118)

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The-Janitor-With-Sideburns - happy Ed McMahonish-announcer introducing the "Save Harvey Telethon" (Time Release Capsule #210)

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Officer Jones - Working for Pickford Security and assigned to H. G. Wells, Jones is entrusted with carrying the spare key to the red security doors. He also appears to be moonlighting at the Big Ideas Lab after school hours. (Phil of the Future Game Boy Advance cartridge)

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Nurse Krinsky - needs to find another job that doesn't involve owwies, blood, or x-rays. (Doggie Daycare #117)

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Miss Veronica Legler - Thirty year old redheaded teacher at H.G. Wells who dated Mr. Hackett at least once, the front of her place has a front lawn that Hackett sleeps on with sprinklers that wake him up at 5 a.m. Her mother's first name is Beverly. (Age Before Beauty #112) and (Age Before Beauty #112 - Pink Shoot Draft)

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Miss Levy - (Daddy Dearest #114) and (My Way #115)
A music teacher who's enthusiastic about American folk music, she first asks Lloyd to lecture Phil's class, then the entire school on American folk music. She really knows her jaw harps. (#114) As their Life Skills teacher, Levy generously gives Pim and Bradley a shared D-minus for their busted bag of flour baby. (#115) Full last name is "Dunleavy." (My Way #115 - Blue Shooting Draft)

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(math teacher) - (Team Diffy #116), (Neander-Phil #121) and (Pheromonally Yours #106)
Possibly the "Mr. Flavin" mentioned above, this teacher among the audience applauding the night of Debbie's solo performance. (#106) Pim blows off his math test and makes negative remarks as to his teaching ability when she thinks that she'll be returning to the future. (#116) He happens by just in time to catch Pim just after she tears off her locker door due to an intolerance for the squeakiness of Debbie Berwick's balloon animal creation. (#121)

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Miss Mayberry - Stretching the buttons to fit into her '50s Night sweater, short statured and short haired brunette Miss Mayberry almost finds out that Myron is catatonic when Phil zaps him and props Myron against lockers after she assigns Phil and his new buddies detention for body surfing in the hallway. Like most teachers, though, she decides not to get involved and her high chunky heels keep on walking. (Raging Bull #120)

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Mr. Melvin - Pim is annoyed by the shine reflecting off the top of this bald-headed teacher and tells him and everyone else as much … while she thinks she's scored a ride back to 2121. (Team Diffy #116 - Pink Shooting Draft)

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Mr. Adelaide Messerschmitt - (The Giggle #204), (Phil Without a Future #208), (Happy Nird Day #209) and (Maybe-Sitting #211)

Introduced in Season Two, this teacher speaks in a nasally voice, sometimes referring to himself in the third person.

Personality:
- superior self-image
- critical of students, noting flaws over abilities
- delights with sadistic pleasure in informing his pupils that they will fail before he even passes out his exams.
- Perspective On Life: asked whether a glass is half full or half empty, Mr. Messerschmitt declares that the water is not trying hard enough, not that it would matter even if it worked itself into steam, which he highly doubts it capable of.
- Volable, he is reputed to espouse his observations incessantly and fluently by utilizing metaphors to convey information to the inferior simpletons enrolled in his classes - which applies to all his students as far as he's concerned. (#208)
- Practices the art of Bonsai tree trimming in the classroom which everyone appreciates, preferring that he snip bits and pieces from little trees rather than from his students. (#208)

Family:

He shares with his students that his parents were acrobats. (#204) His sister's name is Fattina in captions, Battina in credits, and called by both names in episode #211. She applies to Pickford Imitation Crab Meat Plant to audition her skill of painting unidentifiable fish bits to appear to be crab. Her son, his nephew, is Nathan*, an eight-year-old attracted to stairs and breaking things just to watch them smash. While Fattina has remarked that a Messerschmitt family trait includes a head of luscious brown wavy hair, if you met her or her son, you'd be staring at follicles somewhat lower. No, not their eyebrows, a tad bit lower - yeah, that's it. Now, just try and look away if you can. Can't, can you? Join the club. Which club? Mustache. Mustache. Mustache. (#211)

*Nathan predictably muses come the Summer Solstice. (#209)

Testing At School:

Messerschmitt's desk is populated by caddies filled with pencils, highlighters, and rubber stamps. He loves torturing his students by making them take only really hard tests. (#204) He hangs a 12x16-inch portrait of himself on a classroom wall, behind which is a wall safe which holds "Even Harder Tests." (#209) The Omicron Gambit - a horrendously difficult exam of his own design which has only been taken by three students, has been banned in 17 school districts and Chile. (#204) Copies of which would have been burned if he had not made them fireproof (#204 - Blue Shooting Draft) This year's Career Day Supervisor, he handed Phil a booklet entitled "Hot Jobs of the Future." Mr. Messerschmitt was proud to administer the Career Placement Test (CPT), an official state sponsored test which successfully predicted that he would become a teacher, guidance counselor and flamenco instructor, for students who failed to choose a career by the conclusion of Career Day. (#208) He reveals his first name while he is dejected about not being able to administer a test to his class. (#209)

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Miss Mip - substitute, probably a future Pim using an anagram for her alias. Could she be from an alternate future, because why would anyone wiling return to high school, or did the time machine break down again in the 1960s and Pim's become an middle-aged teacher's substitute? Miss Mip is adept at not only foiling pranks directed her way, but also causing them to backfire upon her attackers (well, "attacker." There's only Pim.) The Mip drives a monster truck which she parks wherever she desires. (Mummy's Boy #205)

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Miss Navin - Pim and Debbie's brunette home economics teacher. Naive, she's fallen for Pim's less than clever fast food meal substitutions in the past - until Debbie points out the obvious. (Unification Day #110)

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Miss O'Leary - creative writing class, competes with Miss Winston's class in a less than friendly manner (Milkin' It #107)

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Miss Phipps - School Librarian, as crusty a piece of toast, she does keep the noise level down by her constant shushing. (Pheromonally Yours #106)

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Ms. Selletti - unseen teacher with her own office, one of Debbie Berwick's lucky cupcake receiving teachers (You Say Toe-Mato #104)

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Spanish teacher who Keely closes her broadcast about, sharing news about an upcoming el wedding. (Get Ready to Go-Go #207)
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Miss Tumbler - wears orthopedic pants and that's all I have to say on the matter. (Broadcast Blues #219)

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Miss Vanderhoosey - Keely at school after the New Ager maturers her to age 25, and then she substitutes for a few minutes in Mr. Hackett's biology class. Appears again at coffee shop on her first date - with Mr. Hackett! She does claim the 75 year-old Blake Bastille (aka Phil) as her half-century age difference boyfriend, so she must not be as shallow as most folks. (Age Before Beauty #112)

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Veronica - Please see "Miss Veronica Legler" above.

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Mr. Weatherwax - (We'll Fix It In Editing #108) and (Tanner #118)
The Wax teaches the Video Lab course, teaching television news broadcasting which, though it's not all at once obvious, demands good penmanship. He appreciates a good news story and is willing to let a story go over the air even if it embarrasses a student or doesn't fulfill his assignment. Overweight, he eats fast food four times a day without complaining, which means the definition of his cooking skills consists solely of reheating by microwave.

Perspective On Life: Because of his aforementioned diet, he is perpetually in search of an antacid and that half-full glass of water to take it with.

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Ms. Genevieve Winston - (Tanner #118), (Milkin' It #107) and (Raging Bull #120)
Secretly a likely time traveler herself, during the first season Ms. Winston transferred to Wells Jr./Sr. High School and became 7th grader Pim's creative writing teacher (#107); she then taught a class filled with second graders (#118) before next being spotted being annoyed by Pim's 39 tardies in Winston's class back at Wells and attempting to perform a home visit parent-teacher conference at seven in the evening, but being submarined by Pim substituting Curtis for Barb and Lloyd. (#120)

During his short special assignment with her, Ms. Winston was the 2nd grade handwriting teacher for 9th grader Phil. With a reputation for being "tough, but fair," she transformed Phil's monkey scrawlings into legible script. Thanks to one of her second graders was Tanner's helmeted brother "Crash" Kirkpatrick, Phil ran aground of Winston's classroom discipline policy resulting in his spending time in a cardboard shed housing two chairs designated as her timeout area, "The Quiet Club." (#118)

Genevieve really knows her state facts. (#120)

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Keely never imagined she'd finding herself wanting to thank Mr. Hackett, but his memory stick did contain the most information, complete with pictures of his childhood, time in the army, his dancing days, and even his wedding photos, complete with the entire ceremony's soundtrack. It almost took Keely as long to go through all his stuff as his marriage actually lasted. But, "thank you, Mr. Hackett," the video yearbook was getting done.

It made sense. The yearbook is almost all student generated anyway, with a faculty advisor. Digital photos, so no need for darkroom supplies; everyone had the software to generate the page layouts; really, the only actual cost of producing a yearbook was the printing and delivery. Keely pushed the issues for weeks, putting up with the garbage that was thrown in her direction, literally, but in the end, the student body couldn't really think of a good reason not to support "Krazy Keely's" idea. So, everyone agreed to honor their yearbook orders and paid the full price for a digital version, instead of the traditional dead tree kind. Nicer in many ways, with vid clips, links to classmates' sites, as well as advertisers, which pulled in more dough.

Oh, the dough? It was donated to help out families of H. G. Wells students whose families had been out of work for months or more. Now, Keely has another idea, something about a virtual graduation ceremony ... where does she get these crazy futury ideas from?

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GOOD LANGUAGE AT SCHOOL: Pass, Note, Bell, DONE

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November 23, 2008

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*Named by Douglas Tuber after the Pickford-Fairbanks Studios (Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks bought the property in 1919) where Phil of the Future was filmed!