Chapter Six
Rose
Stakes. Check.
Phone- sitting on the nightstand, battery removed, sim card taken out. Check.
Backpack with minor necessities- a couple changes of clothes, my Nazar and chotki hidden away in the small inner pocket, safe. And the folder Mom had given me. Check.
With one last look around my room, I triple checked that everything was in order. My bed was made with military precision- something Dimitri would be happy about. My school books, laptop and training folders laid stacked neatly on my study desk, and all of the laundries had been put away. Not a hair out of place. Perfect.
Setting the small piece of paper on my pillow, only two words on the page, I turned out the lights and locked the door behind me.
"Hey Rose, heading down for training," Meredith smiled brightly at me.
"Yup, no rest for the wicked, right," I laughed.
Her head tilted to the side, taking in my full form. I wore my leather jacket, and a tight fit pair of jeans. Not my normal training gear, and I could see she was picking up on that.
"Well, I better get going, Belikov hates it when I'm late, have a good day," I scooted around her, descending the stairs at a rapid rate, I left out the back door, heading straight for the cabin.
After talking with Adrian a bit more last night, I spent the rest of the night thinking about everything I am leaving behind this time around. When I fled the Academy years ago, it was to protect Lissa. Now, I am abandoning her. And surprisingly- or maybe not really- I only feel a smidge of guilt for that.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love Liss. She is my best friend, my sister, and my Moroi, but ever since we returned things have been… what's the word I am looking for, strained. She has been so wrapped up in Chris, which I will admit- the fire fuck has grown on me- but she is seeing me more as her Guardian, not her friend.
I guess it was bound to happen at some point, it's the way it goes in our world. Dhampirs are the protectors, nothing more, though certainly less. We are expendable, replaceable, and that is all there is to it. We aren't meant to fall in love, have lives outside of our charges, or minds of our own.
The more I thought about leaving her, the more I hurt over leaving him. The pain of leaving Dimitri is astronomical compared to what I feel for Lissa. And I don't know exactly how to process this feeling expanding in my chest like a balloon. But I knew I couldn't leave without telling him why. If anyone deserved an explanation, it's him.
Rose. Rose, if you can hear me, come over for breakfast! Lissa called through the bond.
Shaking my head, I did my best to put my barriers up. I couldn't take hearing her continually calling for me, knowing I had no intention of answering. Adrian was already off campus, waiting in a car a few miles down the road. I had no time to spare for celebrations -especially not one that I didn't want in the first place. Hell, I didn't even have time for the pit-stop at the cabin, but I couldn't avoid that.
Picking up my pace, the old Guardian post finally came into view. Climbing the two steps, I opened the door and waited for a second letting my eyes to adjust to the darkness inside. With all the trees and the curtains drawn, the room held no light. Walking in, I went straight to the bed, bypassing the small table on the left, and the fireplace that still held a few burnt logs on the right.
"Rose."
"Shit," I almost jumped out of my skin, my heart slamming against my ribs. Dimitri's large frame leaned against the wall beside the door, his hands shoved in his pockets, "What are you doing!?"
"I am wondering the same thing about you." Pushing off the wall, he stepped in front of me, crossing the space between us in two long strides. His eyes locked on to mind, the depths of chocolate riveting me. "Did you get my messages?" I nodded softly. "I really am sorry, Rose, I …"
"You don't have to explain it, I know," my voice was below a whisper, my resolve to leave diminishing by the second. How does he do that? How is it that one look from him and I feel butterflies take flight in my stomach? I feel the energy in the air shift, sending a tingling sensation down my spine. How can one man alter everything in my universe?
I moved away from his captivating stare, sitting on the edge of the bed. Dimitri ran a hand through his hair, a deep sigh passing his lips as he started pacing the small space. Slipping the letter from my jacket, I slid it under the lip of the quilt, just in time for him to turn back around.
"So, what are you doing here?"
"I just wanted to be away from everyone," I shrugged, "today isn't quite what I pictured it to be."
I had always envisioned my 18th as something magical. The day I became an adult and had a bit more freedom. All of my friends gathered around, eating box after box of pizza and destroying a vanilla cake with buttercream frosting- yum. Playing a game of billiards with Mase as we used to in middle school. Or staying up all night with Lissa watching Rom-Com's- crying over the grand romantic gesture that they all end with, then laughing because were crying, and crying more for laughing too hard. But none of that is going to happen.
Mason isn't here.
Eddie isn't here.
And Lissa- though she is waiting for me to show up for our yearly breakfast in bed- has no idea how torn I am over everything. Mainly because she doesn't know about half of it. And that is my fault.
"Is there anything I can do," he came to squat in front of me, his hands resting on my knees, a look of sincerity in his eyes.
Run away with me- that's what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him to come with me, leave this world and it's backward ways behind. To take a leap of faith and walk down the unpaved road that would lead to our forever. A forever where we didn't have to hide our feelings. Where we could go out on the weekend for dinner and a movie, stroll through the park at dusk, watching the way the moonlight shines across the field, or through the trees.
Hell, I would settle for being able to kiss him without worrying that someone is going to see. But that is not a future we can have, it's a dream -a fairytale- and I am no Cinderella.
I shook my head slowly, "No, but," I paused to draw a deep breath, building my resolve to leave back up, "I think we should break up."
He blinked a few times, eyebrows raising in surprise, "Why?"
"Dimitri, let's be honest with ourselves, this," I waved a finger between the two of us, "isn't going to last, we can't make it work. You know it, I know you do, between the age difference, the backlash from everyone, we are setting ourselves up for failure."
"Besides, we are always going to come second to our jobs, they come first, and I don't want to be second best. I don't want to have to worry about choosing between you or her. I think it's best to just end it all now, go our separate ways and forget about what we had."
I am pretty sure I just drove a stake through his heart and pulled it out to stab my own. His mask was completely gone, I have never seen such a look of hurt from him, and to be the reason it's there…. I wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there for doing this to him.
It will be better in the long run, Rose, don't fold, don't let up.
"Roza," my heart cracked along with his voice, he hasn't called me Roza since our talk in the gym four days ago, "are you sure this is what you want?" his eyes begged me to assure him, but I couldn't.
I wanted too, God- did I want too. To tell him I am an idiot and I love him more than anything on this earth, but once he found out what I was up to, he wouldn't love me anymore. He would call it another immature act and be disappointed in me. I can handle many things, but not that.
And in the end, the fact of the matter remained, I am leaving- and I have no intention of returning. I don't want this life anymore. I don't want to worry if tomorrow will come. I don't want to spend my life serving ungrateful people. And I sure as hell don't want to live in a society that dictates who I can and can not love. I want to do something meaningful with my life. I can't do that here. Not the way I dream at least.
"I'm sorry, Dimitri," I held his eyes for a moment, burning the chocolate depths into my memory, before looking over his full frame. Slowly I dragged my eyes down his body, drinking in his features. His broad shoulders, muscular arms, the defined pecks, and abs that laid under his white cotton T-shirt, and his toned powerful thighs and legs. Bringing my eyes back up, locking onto his one more time.
I could see that he didn't want me to walk away, and I would be lying if I said I wanted too. But I knew in order for him to have the life he has worked so diligently for, one of us needed to go. I was the better choice. Eddie needs me. And I know he will take care of Lissa.
"I'm sorry," I whispered and turned toward the door.
Two words. The same two words I left written on the piece of paper on my bed. The same words I wrote in the letter I left for him- tucked under the lip of the quilt on the bed behind him.
I can only pray and hope that in those words he sees what I am I trying to say. That I love him more than my own life, and for him to have the life he has worked so diligently for, I had to go. That I will always care for him, no matter how far I go, or how much time passes until I see him again- if I see him- I will always hold love for him in my heart.
"Roza, Я люблю тебя," his voice hardly a whisper, thick with tears.
I paused, my hand gripping the doorknob tightly. I love you, too, more than you will ever know. That's what I should say. I need to tell him, one last time how much he means to me. But for one reason or another, I squeeze my eyes shut, pull the door open, and speak my final words to him
"Love fades, Comrade."
Author's Note:
Happy Hump Day! Yep Yep!
Hope everyone is having a wonderful week so far.
Question for this update: When you are in a book slump, what is your go to, to get out of it?
*other than VA of course*
Mine would be, the PERFECT duet, by Meghan Quinn- you can see a review for it (as well as the BLUE LINE duet) on my facebook.
All My Love, Until Next Time,
Dream
