I honestly believed the night after Yuuri's China short program would have been very different if his nerves hadn't already gotten to him.
I had been holding him up the entire way back to the hotel and Yuuri looked shaken. His face was pale, and his eyes dark, his hands clammy.
I tried to give him time to calm down. He had wanted to talk to his family over the phone so I waited and hoped that would help.
It didn't seem to. It wasn't even the day of the free skate yet and he was already falling apart.
"Yuuri," I said gently. "You won tonight, remember? You should be happy."
"It doesn't mean anything if-,"
I passed my thumb over his lips to keep him from talking.
"Go to sleep, Yuuri."
He looked up at me in surprise.
"I would have loved to celebrate with you." I assured him. "But you're in no condition now. Get some sleep. Stop thinking so much."
Yuuri looked like he wanted to roll his eyes at that but he just shook his head and moved to change for bed. I watched him with worried eyes before I changed and climbed into my own bed.
I felt Yuuri's eyes on me when he came back out of the bathroom. He hesitated like he was maybe going to say or do something but in the end he just got into bed, and soon I fell asleep to the sound of his breathing.
The next day at practice I could tell Yuuri hadn't slept.
I had tried to give him a good start to the day but apparently I had misjudged his stress. It was too much for him to sleep peacefully.
So when practice was over I dragged him back to the room and made him nap. This time lying with him, so that I knew he stayed in bed.
I ended up falling asleep again though and when I woke up Yuuri still looked exhausted.
I told not to do any jumps in the warm up, because I knew any mistakes, at this point, could destroy any shreds of confidence he still had. He didn't listen to me, though, and when he fell on his signature jump he looked like he was going to be sick.
I tried to keep encouraging him. I tried to stay upbeat around him and tell him everything would be fine but he was like a zombie after that.
So quiet and empty, but clearly terrified.
I was so helpless for what to do.
The other skaters seemed to be everywhere, news of their performances was impossible not to hear. Every single time something good happened for once of them, Yuuri's shaking got worse.
I kept trying to drag Yuuri to more private places so he wouldn't hear, but kept finding more people.
Finally we ended up in a parking garage.
I left Yuuri to stretch, putting his ear plugs in. Then I wandered around the garage, thinking.
What was I supposed to do? How did I fix this? Yuuri's anxiety really was so painful and I felt like it was passing from him to me the more I worried for him.
How could I make him feel better?
I got distracted by more announcements that echoed through the garage from the stadium above. Something about another skater's scores.
I briefly glanced at Yuuri and realized he had been listening too, having pulled out his earplugs.
I ran to him.
"Don't listen!" I shouted, clapping my hands over his ears.
It was too late though. I could see by the look on his face that he had heard, and me reacting like that had just made him more freaked out.
I really did feel so helpless.
"Victor," He said gently, "We should be getting back."
I stared into his face. I didn't want it to be time yet. I hadn't found a way to help him, so I couldn't send him out like this. But Yuuri just seemed too experienced to be affected by other skaters. I didn't know how to help him get over something that should have just faded with time.
Yuuri pulled away from me to head back toward the rink.
Skaters' hearts are as fragile as glass, I thought as watched all the painful emotions on Yuuri's face. As I watched him walk away from him again, and felt just as close to losing him as I had before.
If their hearts are so fragile…
"Yuuri." I called without turning to face him, but I heard him stop. I swallowed against a tight throat and ran a hand through my hair.
Let's try shattering his into pieces.
I turned to face him.
"If you mess up this free skate and miss the podium," I slide my hand to brace the back of my neck, because I suddenly feel cold. "I'll take responsibility by resigning as your coach."
It was harsh, but maybe this…
Yuuri had told me once that he beat Yurio because he couldn't accept what the cost would have been if he lost. The cost then had been me, so maybe if he saw me as his cost now, he would be able to fight again.
I waited, but Yuuri just stared at me.
Then tears started to stream down his face.
My mouth fell open in surprise.
I had… never seen Yuuri cry.
"Why would you say something like that," Yuuri asked, his voice hoarse and sobbing. "Like you're testing me?"
I jolted in surprise.
It's shattered…
"I'm sorry Yuuri…" I said, trying to be gentle again. "I wasn't being serious-,"
"I'm used to being blamed for my own failures!" Yuuri yells at me, "But this time I'm anxious because my mistakes would reflect on you, too!"
My lips part in surprise. Me?
"I've been wondering if you secretly want to quit!"
"Of course I don't-,"
"I KNOW!"
He was shaking with sobs now, and I didn't know if I should touch him or not. It seemed like in movies people touched when they were crying. On the other hand though… Yuuri seemed more mad at me than anyone. Maybe he wouldn't want me to.
"I'm not good with people crying in front of me," I admitted, resting my head in my hand, and it was true. I never had to take care of other people. Only myself and Makkachin. So I had no idea what to do for comfort or care when it came to others. I had made an effort with Yuuri, but I still had so much to learn, even about him.
"I don't know what I should do." I told him, turning my eyes to look at his quivering, crying face. "Should I kiss you or something?"
I was my first instinct, because that was usually was my only instinct with Yuuri. I only seemed to make him angrier though.
"No!"
He turned his face up to look at me and it was flushed and he still had so many tears running from his eyes. He looked less angry though.
"Just have more faith I'm going to win than I do! You don't have to stay anything. Just stand by me!"
The plea is so earnest. So desperate and pure.
The worse part was that he shouldn't have had to ask. I should have known from the start, because it was the same plea I had held onto, for a long time now.
I wondered if Yuuri and I were as different as I had come to think. Maybe underneath it all, we were actually quite the same.
I put my hand gently on Yuuri's shoulder.
"Okay Yuuri. From now on, I'm at your side. Always."
Truthfully I always had been, but I hadn't made him feel that way. If he had been scared of losing me all this time, I hadn't been doing my job properly.
"And I do have faith in you."
Yuuri looked up at me and I gave him a careful, nervous smile. "You know that don't you? It's why I'm here."
Yuuri nodded, his tears slowing down.
"We really should get back."
"Yeah."
I put my arm around him and walked him back toward the rink in silence, just thinking about what he had said.
I needed to do a lot more for Yuuri, and I wished I knew better what I was doing.
I probably should have asked Yakov at some point. He might have appreciated that.
Maybe I still could.
Yuuri stayed quiet and flushed as he pulled off his sweats and stood at the side of the rink, ready and in costume.
He looked sad and beautiful, and I felt weirdly far away from him. Like I had dislodged myself from my place at his side.
I just didn't know how to make things better. I didn't have enough experience at it.
I offered Yuuri tissues before he went out onto the rink, and he took them and blew his nose from crying.
He was still so quiet, and hardly looked at me.
I offered my hand to take the tissues he was done with. He moved as if to offer them to me but pulled his hand back at the last second so that they nearly fell onto the ice.
I reached to catch them, leaning over the rail and nearly falling over.
Suddenly I feel Yuuri's finger poke the part in my hair, in that way he had during practice when I told it him it made me feel old.
Then his hand brushed over my hair like he was petting me.
Oh. Yuuri had been teasing me.
My eyes widened, and my heart swelled. Oh okay. Then we were okay.
I slowly smiled. So he didn't need me to fix everything. Sometimes we were just okay.
The crowd cheered as Yuuri skated out onto the ice.
The music started, and my nerves tightened. I waited to see how Yuuri looked.
I was surprised when I realized he was actually smiling, and he seemed so unusually calm.
He skated toward a jump combination, and landed it with ease. Smooth as water.
Relief flooded my entire body.
That was my Yuuri.
He landed his next jump too and I jumped with excitement, throwing my arms up.
"That was perfect, Yuuri!" I shouted and I wanted to laugh.
He was so beautiful, wasn't he? So beautiful and strong. It was hard to imagine looking at him a moment ago and thinking he was fragile. But that was Yuuri.
He was so much of everything. So sensitive, so strong, so kind. It couldn't imagine how he held it all inside of him, but then again I guessed he didn't. Not always at least. It was all on full display when he skated.
I watched him move, as entranced as the audience was, and I felt that wave of pride again. He was my Yuuri, in some small way. We were tied.
I always wanted to feel that way, watching him.
His loop was flawless and I could tell he was himself again. His skating was like music again. Breathtaking.
He slipped on his axel and I was so impressed when it didn't seem to faze him. He just kept skating, and I was amazed that he seemed to have the kind of confidence I always wanted him to have. The unshakable certainty of his talent.
This wasn't quite that but it was closer, and I was glad. Especially after seeing him so low.
I found myself tense and unable to look away.
He nailed a triple flip and a thoughtful expression touched his face.
Hmm? That seemed odd. Yuuri didn't usually skate so well when he was thinking. He seemed to skate his best when his mind was blank.
I wondered what he was thinking about. He still kept smiling.
He over rotated the next jump and for a minute my heart plummeted before I shook it off. No. I would not lose faith in Yuuri. I had to have more faith in him than anyone. My eyes fixed on him again. I should never look away.
He hit his next jump and didn't even seem tired. I envied his stamina so much.
After a truly stunning step sequence Yuuri moved on to his last jump, and I could tell something was different.
It wasn't until he jumped that I can see it, though.
It was not a loop like it should have been. It was a flip. A quadruple flip.
Everyone always called it my signature move but never had wanted that to be true, more than in that moment when I saw Yuuri's body forming its movements.
He fell, but it hardly mattered. It was beautiful, and it was like he was claiming me, there in front of everyone, and I had never been so touched in my life.
The crowd roared, because it was a surprise and because it was difficult, especially at the end of a program. But all I could think about was Yuuri.
I covered my face to make sure I wasn't crying, then I ran for the kiss and cry.
Yuuri's eyes followed me, and when he saw me stop at the exit to meet him he moved toward me, a huge smile on his face.
"Viktor!" he called in excitement and I was so happy to hear him say my name like that again.
His face was glowing with pride and exertion, his cheeks bright and his eyes dancing. "I did great, right?"
I smiled softly at him and nodded my head.
I had the urge to kiss him again- I opened my arms and my feet left the ground.
So this time I did.
My arms went around Yuuri's neck as my weight hit him, and our lips crashed together.
His were chapped, but so warm, and we were falling together onto the ice.
My lips slipped off his as I tightened my arms to protect him from the fall.
I landed on top of him and pulled back to look into his eyes, smiling down at his shocked expression.
"I wanted to surprise you more than you surprised me," I explained, blushing, "This was all I could think of."
My voice was breathless but Yuuri just gave me the softest smile. One that made my heart melt.
"It worked."
I already wanted to kiss him again, but I hugged him instead.
We were still on camera after all.
Yuuri won silver in the Cup of China, behind Phichit who one gold. Chris took third and didn't look thrilled but I knew him and it wouldn't shake his confidence.
I just watched Yuuri smile and clapped.
I couldn't help but brag to the cameras about him after. Telling everyone that now that he could do the flip, he would definitely be winning gold next time.
Yuuri looked embarrassed but I could tell he was happy.
Faith, I reminded myself. My faith in him always made him happy.
After interviews I turned to Yuuri with a huge smile and he looked at me with these shy eyes that I didn't know how to respond to.
My first instinct was still to kiss him.
"Are you hungry, Yuuri?"
He nodded, still glowing but looking a little tired now.
When I thought about how little he slept, I wondered how he was still on his feet.
"Room service?" I suggested, and his grin widened.
"Sure."
We went back to the hotel, my hand in his during the drive as he stared out the window.
I stared at him through the mirror.
The air felt heavy, with the things that I should have said, and the things I wanted him to say back. When we walked into the room, there was much more pressure for the silence to break.
I shrugged off my coat. I hadn't planned on jumping into things with Yuuri quite so suddenly after all this time. I didn't know how to explain it to him.
"Yuuri?"
He placed his flowers on the night stand and unzipped his jacket. He had changed out of his costume and was just wearing a plain black shirt and sweatpants now, for which I was glad. I didn't want to have to worry about ruining his beautiful costume.
I shook that thought out of my head quickly.
"I guess we can't have katsudon." Yuuri murmured, a little sadly and my brow furrows.
"Because we're in China." I pointed out and he laughed.
"Because I didn't win."
I hummed.
"We could have anyway. You were amazing tonight."
"You need to stop making exceptions for me." Yuuri turned to smirk ruefully at me. "You're a coach aren't you? Be more disciplined."
I rolled my eyes.
Yuuri moved toward me but stopped a few feet away. "Hey Viktor?"
"Yes?" I tilted my head. I wanted to reach out to touch him but was too afraid to try before we talked. I didn't have the element of surprise this time.
Yuuri looked into my eyes. His hair was still slick, but messier than before. His eyes were shining behind his glasses.
"Why did you kiss me?"
I blinked. That was his question?
"You really don't know?"
Yuuri blushed at that. "Well I…"
I stepped forward and took his hand. I used my free one to tip his head up to press his forehead against mine.
"Do you really not see the way I look at you?"
Yuuri made a soft sound, and his voice wobbled when he started to speak.
"Why would you…"
I pulled back to glare down at him.
"Don't start with that," I said sternly. "You have to see it by now. How beautiful you are. Not just your skating but all of you. You have to see that you brought me here. You. Not just your talent, not just your potential. You did. You're why I will always want to be here."
Tears filled Yuuri's eyes again but I'm not scared this time. I could tell they were different. I could see the warmth in his face.
"Viktor," Yuuri's sob was quiet and breathless as he threw his arms around me and buried his face against my neck.
I held him tightly and pet his hair. "Yuuri…"
"This is the time when you're supposed to kiss me," Yuuri chided with a slight laugh to his voice. "Not when I'm mad at you, and not on international TV."
"You really minded that?" I asked with a smile.
Yuuri blushed and shook his head. "Not this time."
"Good."
I eased him back and put my fingers under his chin to turn him to look at me.
His eyes had dried up a little but his eyelashes were dark and wet and made his eyes look lovely over his red cheeks.
I lowered myself down to press our lips tightly together.
For a moment that was it. Silence and the press of lips. Then, slowly the sounds of breathing and moving lips followed and our mouths were around each other. Pulling and pushing and consuming.
I could tell Yuuri hadn't done much of this before, but he learned quickly as always, and his determination was endearing. Besides, his inexperience kept my jealousy at bay.
"Viktor," Yuuri breathed against my lips, laughing a little. "I really am hungry."
I laughed too and the kiss broke as we stumbled apart, grinning bashfully at each other.
"I'll order." I offered, moving for the phone and the menu. "There will be plenty more time for that while we wait."
"Yeah." Yuuri agreed with a smile and I looked back to raise an eyebrow at him.
He blushed darkly but didn't lower his eyes from mine, or stop smiling.
I reached for him again.
"Viktor! Food!" Yuuri giggled desperately, playfully pushing me away as we fell back onto one of the beds.
