Hello Everyone!
I'm baaack! :D And oh yeah, I am so continuing this story! (the updates may be a few months apart, but let's hope different...) I have it all figured out, at least as far as where I want to end up with this story, which is the main storyline, but there are spaces in the story that I need to fill up with something, so the timeline would work. And that is the hardest for me. So I've been so struggling with this chapter, and its thousand versions I created in the process, but we are finally there. In this chapter the two kids and Elliot and Olivia is finally connected, and we see why was Elliot so angry in the very first teaser chapter. So yeah. I would love to hear what you think about the story! ;)
And I would take a second here, to thank all of you who keep reading the story, and double thank everyone who also reviews. I never understood why people were so obsessed with comments, but now I get it! They are such a huge inspiration! So thank you again, and keep up the good work! ;)
Good reading!
Crysania
They were almost there. At least that was what the navigator showed. Olivia started stirring just then. And although, at some level Elliot knew it was good for her to sleep, he was hopeless alone. Technically he wasn't alone. But the sleeping baby and the still horrified six year old did nothing much to make him feel better. He needed to know that Olivia was going to be okay. And no matter how much he hated to admit it, she didn't look like she was fine. She looked broken. And he had no idea what to do.
The navigator beeped, signaling that they have reached their destination. Elliot looked into the review mirror, and saw the driver of the car that has been trailing them since they left Manhattan nod in reassurance. They have indeed reached their new life. So Elliot steered the wheel, and pulled into the driveway. He stopped the engine, then stared at the building in front of him for a while. That was it. The new beginning he always wanted, with the woman he always wanted, even if only secretly. And there he was unsure about every single thing.
'Let's get moving,' Brooks knocked on his side of the window, jerking Elliot out of his thoughts. He nodded and stole a glance at Olivia. She was up, but she didn't move, she didn't say a word, and only after watching her very carefully for a while was he sure that she was even breathing. Shallow breaths and teardrops rolling down her face. That was all that told him that she was still alive. 'Don't worry about her, I've got her. Take the kids,' said Brooks and headed to Olivia's side. He wasn't too pleased with the acting abilities of the two detectives. So he decided to help them. They needed to do much better, if they wanted to keep up the image. 'Hey, Gracie, we're here,' he greeted her louder than necessary after opening the car door. He was completely sure that at least one nosy neighbor was watching. It was a quiet neighborhood and they were strangers moving in, in the middle of the night; he would have bet his life that someone was observing their moves. They needed to act. Literally. And if Olivia was in no shape to play her own role, he had to help her out. 'I can't believe you slept through the whole drive here,' the lieutenant chirped as he slid one of his hands under Olivia's knees and the other behind her back. He didn't expect any cooperation so he held her tight.
'No,' he heard Olivia whisper as he was holding her, and she started squirming, trying to get free.
'Olivia, it's okay, it's me, Michael. You remember me?' Brooks asked whispering into her ear. 'Olivia, listen to me. You're in witness protection. You need to play your role…' he jabbered with one breath, slightly looking around, as if waiting for something to happen, a miracle, that would get him out of that situation instantly. He didn't know what to expect. Would she break down and cry, right there in his lap, or would she have a flashback, or a panic attack and jump out of his arms? Was she going to cause a commotion? He observed her expression, trying to guess her state from the feelings reflecting in her eyes. But they were empty. Dark. Not even the light of the streetlamps reflected in them.
She blinked after staring into the night for a couple of seconds. 'Put me down, I can walk alone,' she announced, voice firm, but barely above a whisper. He obeyed, still keeping his arms protectively hovering around her in case she fell, but she didn't. 'I can walk,' she reassured him in an annoyed tone, and headed straight towards the car. 'Come on, kids, it's really late, we need to get inside and go to sleep,' she explained calmly as she unbuckled the sleeping baby, taking her into her arms, while holding out her other hand for the little boy. He held onto the extended hand and they headed to the front door. The two men watched the unfolding scene rooted to the spot where they were standing. How was it even possible, that the human wreck, who was practically vegetating on the front seat of the car only a few minutes ago, switched into mother mode and just headed past them comforting two little kids. Maybe he did underestimate her…- Brooks thought to himself and motioned for Elliot to get going.
They didn't get past the hall. It was not home. They were not Olivia and Elliot anymore. 'You cannot contact anybody from your old lives,' explained Brooks in a hushed voice. Old Life, Elliot smirked to himself. To be honest this whole thing couldn't have come at a better time. It saved him from the circus of going through a divorce. But the kids. His heart shattered to pieces if he thought about his kids mourning him. He didn't even pay attention to what the other man was explaining to them.
'From this moment on, you are the Jenkins family. Roy, and Grace, and Cory and Dora,' he said taking a glance at the baby Olivia was holding. He passed a thick envelope to Elliot containing the details of their lives up to that second. 'Roy was in the army, Grace was a cop in the city, got injured, so Roy moved the family. Everyone's recuperating after a strange couple of years you had and you are strengthening the family ties. Got it?' asked Michael but he was met with stares that were looking past him. Stares that told him the people behind them are trying their hardest to process everything that happened in the last 24 hours. He decided he was not going to expect an answer. 'I am going to be keeping in touch with you, as often as I can, and the marshals let me,' then he lightly stroke the head of the babygirl in Olivia's arms, and sighed, as if he was predicting a disastrous outcome for the whole plan. 'Good luck guys. There is a number in the envelope that you can call in case you are in trouble,' he said, and immediately realized the slip of his tongue. Hah. They were already in trouble. Deep shit trouble. He searched for his next words. What do you say to the kids, who just saw their mother get killed, to a woman who just has been gang raped, and to a man who left his five kids and wife behind? There is nothing you could say… Sure you could say plenty of things, but nothing really would make sense. 'Take care of each other,' There, that was true; they needed to take care of each other, so he settled on saying the least ridiculous thing that he could come up with. Of course neither of them listened. He could only hope they would remember their names, in case a neighbor stopped by because of the commotion. Brooks took one last look at the newcomer family and closed the door behind him.
Neither of them moved. Or said a single word. Even the baby was impossibly quiet. Olivia prayed for Elliot to say something. For the little boy, what was his name again?- to her new son, that he would ask something, but to be honest she would have been content with the baby's screeching as well. She just needed something to force her mind to stop for a second, to halt her racing thoughts. And she knew Elliot was hoping for the same thing, but she couldn't open her mouth. She couldn't say anything. What should she say?!
Good thing Elliot was a man of actions instead of words, and she suddenly knew exactly what to say as his fists flew into the wall beside the door that just closed on them. He punched the innocent white architecture over and over again until Olivia, decided to speak up, feeling the suffocating grip of the little boy tighten on her side. 'Stop!' she shrieked as the tears started running freely from her eyes. She pulled the baby closer to her chest, if it was even possible and she wished she could melt into the wall behind her as she expected the painful hands grabbing her everywhere all over again. But instead it quieted down. Elliot stopped and stood starstruck in front of her. He ran his bruised hands over his head and looked Olivia in the eyes. 'I'm sorry,' he whispered in breaking voice and she knew he didn't mean it only for his latest actions, but that he blamed himself for the whole undercover op going down in flames.
'I'm sorry, buddy,' Elliot spoke up again, first looking Olivia in the eyes, trying to tell her that his anger is in check, and then crouching down to be eye level with the boy. 'I didn't mean to scare you guys here…' he said apologizing. His shoulders slumped forward in defeat, feeling like a coward. These kids lived through hell in the past day. Hell, in the past couple of hours, maybe twelve, and here he was with his stupid tantrum like a spoiled two year old. He didn't think about the terrified young boy, he didn't think about the couple months old baby, and he didn't think about his injured partner. All he thought about was his bruised ego, because he misjudged the situation and the situation blew up in his face. 'Hey,' he tried to get the boy's attention, 'Come on buddy, let's check out your room,' in hope he could make a fresh start with the little guy, he extended a hand to him, but the boy didn't move at all; he didn't let go of Olivia and he barely turned his head to look at Elliot.
'Let's find a place for your sister to sleep, cause she's getting heavy to hold…' Olivia joined the conversation, wiping her tears away with her free hand. She realized that Elliot won't break the ice alone. And the baby was indeed getting heavier with each passing second for her broken body.
'You're coming too?' asked the little boy raising his head to look at Olivia.
'Of course I'm coming!' she forced a smile on her face. 'I wanna see all the rooms in this house!' she winked at the child, earning a tiny smile from him.
Elliot watched as his partner put the sleeping babygirl into her crib. How was it possible that a woman, who had zero experience with kids, not counting the few underage victims they had to deal with, could so gracefully and confidently switch into mother mode in a matter of minutes? Did all the women have it in themselves? Or it was only Olivia? He knew she loved kids, and desperately wanted to have children, but loving and wanting kids, are completely different from actually being good with them. And there she was beaten to an inch of her life, after a couple hour roadtrip, after preventing him from knocking the walls of the house out, she pulled one last jolt of energy, patience and love, to take care of the two tiny little innocent, but tragic lives.
They toured the house together, and just like Olivia said, they checked each and every room in the house. The kitchen with the tiny breakfast table, and the highchair for the baby, opening to the dining room with the real table, as noted by the little boy, then they headed to the living room to check out if they had a tv set. They took a look at the basement as well, though only briefly, and only Elliot was brave enough, or rather had enough energy to climb the steps all the way down. Then finally they got to the kids' bedroom, although, there was another room that could work as a third bedroom, that room was furnished with a bookshelf and a desk, probably with the intention to be used as an office.
It was a rather small house, but for Olivia it took all of her remaining energy to carry the sleeping girl with her all around the building. Her head was throbbing; she might have suffered a concussion. From the pain shooting through her ribcage, she was certain that she had a couple of cracked ribs, if not broken. Her right shoulder must have been sprained, as it hurt like hell even from the slightest movement. Not to mention her thighs, and between her legs. She couldn't remember a time when her whole lower parts hurt like that, not even after the roughest sex she has ever had, and she could barely walk the next day. But she had no exact idea of the extent of her injuries, because she either zoned out, and had flashback during she was being briefed, or the doctors haven't told her anything. Not a single thing. She vaguely remembered their conversation with Elliot and the Captain, but then the next memory floating around in her head was when she was already in the front seat of the car, Elliot behind the wheel, next to her and the kids sleeping in the backseat. She needed to know what those monsters did to her. How much damage was done to her body.
But Elliot seemed to be in the dark as well. He stole sideway glances at her when she was not looking and he noticed the slight limp in her walk, or how she didn't put the baby from one arm to the other while they were roaming around the house, and he knew that she was forcefully keeping herself together. For the kids. And maybe for him too, to a certain extent. He also knew that she was going to come tumbling down, sometime later, and he hoped he would be there for her.
'You know, I don't even know your name,' she whispered slowly lowering herself onto the side of the bed. 'I have an idea,' she leaned closer to the boy, who was already tucked in, but still sitting in his new bed. 'Hey, you too, Grumpy. Come here,' she said patting the bed beside her. Elliot smiled at her forced enthusiasm, and he was glad that she finally seemed alive, even if every move she made seemed painful and forced. He joined them on the bed anyway. 'We need to make a club here,' Olivia said looking between the two boys, marveling at their confused expressions. 'Tonight, this one time, we all tell each other our real names. And then, tomorrow morning when we wake up, we all going to call each other on our new names. Okay?' The boys nodded and she watched them for second, then nodded to herself. 'Okay, young man, what's your name?' she put her hand gently on the child's shoulder, unsure if he was going pull away from her touch. But he didn't. He smiled widely at the idea of being part of something secret, forgetting the happenings that put him and his sister in that situation for a short time.
'My name is Angel,' he declared proudly, and Olivia struggled to continue. To say something intelligible. But what was the chance that after living through her own personal hell, whatever powers there are, put her together with a little angel. She swallowed back her tears, and tried to say something again.
Elliot noticed her momentary blackout and continued instead of her. 'Nice to meet you, Angel. I'm Elliot, and I really hope we can start over and be friends,' he said staring right into the boy's big brown eyes. 'After all, we'll have to work together to take care of the girls,' he winked and extended a hand to the little guy. 'So what do you say?' After a second of pretended thinking, Angel grabbed his hand and shook it firmly. 'Deal,' he grinned at the older man.
'You know, it's not fair,' Elliot turned to Olivia after reconciling with the boy. 'It was your idea to tell each other our names, and you're the only one who didn't tell hers,' he crooked an eyebrow at her.
'Yeah, Elliot is right!' Angel chirped and the whole situation was becoming more and more normal. Even domestic.
'Okay, okay…' Olivia couldn't help but smile at the boys already ganging up against her, grateful for the universe that children are so forgiving, so she wouldn't have to beg Angel to give her partner another chance to prove that he is indeed a decent human being. 'My name is Olivia, it was after all…' she sighed without even noticing it herself. 'But from now on, Angel's code name is Corey, Elliot's Roy, and mine is what, Gracie?'
Elliot watched her for a second before he answered her. 'Yeah, Gracie.' His heart twisted as he saw how hard she was trying to suppress her own pain. He decided that they needed to talk, because he still didn't know what happened to her, and what her injuries were. But first, they needed to make sure that the little boy was comfortable enough. And he had a feeling that they were on the right track with him. 'But Corey. Because of the secret operation,'
'We're in a secret operation?' Angel asked with twinkling eyes. 'Yeah, buddy. And to keep that operation going, you need to call us mommy and daddy when there are other people around,'
'Like in a real family?' the little boy asked looking up at the man in front of him, and if Elliot and Olivia thought they couldn't feel any more miserable about the whole situation, their new son just proved them wrong, and helped them get to the next level of heartbreak.
'Yeah, we're gonna play that we're a real family. And we're gonna love each other so-so much,' Elliot answered tears pooling in his eyes. He stole a glance at Olivia, but she was still blankly staring at the bedsheet between them. 'So we're gonna say goodnight, each and every night with a big, huge, group-bear-hug,' he said looking at the little boy scrutinizing his reaction, and when he didn't seem to be freaking out, Elliot reached for the little kid and tackled him into his pillow.
'You too,' Angel reached for Olivia's wrist and pulled her down to them, dragging her out of the penthouse bedroom. Elliot opened his arms inviting her closer, but she couldn't. She didn't feel comfortable at all getting closer to him. Or to anyone else. She still hasn't showered; she was still dirty. But before she could protest, Elliot pulled her and the little boy into a hug. He immediately regretted his move when he saw the pure agony etching through her face. He figured he could calm her down, and planted a gentle kiss on top of her head.
Olivia couldn't identify a single bone in her body that didn't feel shattered at that moment, not to mention her cracked rib, and her sprained thighs; still she let herself being pulled into the hug, and strangely enough when Elliot kissed the top of her head, her state of agony ceased to exist for a brief second. But only for a second because his hand on her lower back, his breath on her skin; the general closeness of his body was horrifyingly familiar. 'It hurts,' she whispered barely audible. Somehow she managed to keep her heart from jumping out of her chest as she inched towards the bedroom door. 'Good night, Cory,' she willed her voice to not tremble, in order for her to keep the last tiny pieces of her dignity, but she wasn't sure if she even had anymore. Leaving the room, she tumbled towards the closest wall, slid down on the floor against it, and erupted in silent sobs. She could hardly swallow back an escaping sob, when Elliot followed her to the hall. She was not going to break down now. Even if Elliot hadn't known what happened to her, he made a decision for her, he put her in a situation where she needed to be strong and that was what she was going to do. Stay strong, for the kids, for her partner and maybe a tiny bit for herself. It was so much easier to ignore all that happened than trying to find sense in it, or cope with it.
'Liv, are you okay?' he asked crouching down in front of her. He became worried when he saw her empty gaze staring right past him, and when even after saying her name three times, she still didn't look at him. 'Liv,' he repeated the fourth time, and then he put his hands gently on her knees, hoping that the contact would bring her out of her daze, and it did work. Only, the second his palms touched her knees she jumped. Basically knocking Elliot back.
'What are you doing?' she asked in a panicked voice, terror reflecting in her eyes.
'Sorry, if I scared you, but you were in a completely different place,' he said, not mentioning that he had a certain idea of where she was, and going back to that place, even in her mind, was not doing anything good to her. He moved closer trying to find her eyes, but she was eagerly ignoring his efforts. That was not the Olivia Benson he has known for years. 'Are you okay?' he asked as he watched her dragging herself into a standing position.
'I'm just tired Elliot,' she huffed, after gathering all her power to sound annoyed rather than in pain, terrified, empty, hopeless, or anything else she felt in that moment. Olivia briefly looked at the man standing in front of her, closer than she would've liked him to be, in order to check whether he bought her excuse or not. And he didn't. She could see it in his eyes, in the slight muscle movement of his forehead and his slightly larger intake of breath, but she hoped for dear god, that he would let her go without any further questions. 'I'm going to take a shower,' she added quickly before he had a chance to force out something she didn't want to share.
Elliot nodded silently. There was certainly something she was not telling him, and he was going to find that out. Although, he decided he'd let her skip the questioning for the being. He figured the shower would calm her down, and maybe she would be in a more talkative mood after that. 'I'll look around in the kitchen. Fix up something to eat. How about that?' She looked back over her shoulder and shot a weak smile in his direction before disappearing in the bedroom and closing the door behind herself. 'She's not going to eat,' shook Elliot his head to himself and wandered off to the kitchen.
If Elliot hoped that Olivia would be more sharing after her shower, he couldn't have been more wrong. The first ton of bricks got thrown at her, when she looked at the reflection of herself in the mirror. Giant purple fingerprints on her neck, and a huge blackeye, representing all the colors of the rainbow, on one side of her face. That was it. Her tears started falling freely because she knew that those injuries were only the tip of the iceberg. She didn't even take off her shirt then and she knew, her other body parts were going to look a lot worse and suddenly she started wondering if showering was really the right thing to do. Did she really wanted to see all her injuries, but then, she remembered that she still had all the bodily fluids of the men on her. Hell, probably even in her, and she wanted to throw up. She collapsed next to the toilet bowl without any effort to try and prevent the heavy fall and succumbed to the violent heaves. She didn't have anything to throw up. She hasn't eaten anything in the past day. Now that that was done, although she dreaded what she might find, she started undressing herself. Her ribs hurt like hell with every movement. No. Rather with every breath she took and she wondered how could have she carried that baby all over the house, when right at that moment she had difficulty taking off her top as well.
Olivia didn't have to stand in front of the mirror to take each and every injury into account, the bruises were visible without the reflection as well. Not to mention the telling pain. Her whole right side looked like it was splashed with a bucket of bluish purple paint, and she could also see the handprint on her breasts. But what was the most horrifying, that on her thighs, in the place of the two black bruises she could still feel the strong knees pushing her into the mattress and crushing her bones under their weight. And then she could also remember the pain she felt when those animals forced themselves inside her. And this time, she didn't even try to hide the tears. She let them fall freely and she cried for herself. Herself only. At that moment she needed to be selfish. Did she feel sorry for the kids, sure. They were only innocent bystanders. For Elliot? Of course, the man was ripped away from his family. But he was aware that something like this could happen anytime on the job. Just like she was. But she always hoped to avoid getting raped. She was so desperate of doing everything differently than her mother did. And there she was sobbing, feeling sorry for herself. The only thing she needed was the alcohol and she could officially become Serena Benson. 'My God!' she barked at herself, then added whispering: 'Get yourself together,' It usually worked, to knock some sense into herself, but she figured she was right that time. She needed to cry, she needed to mourn her life as she knew it until then.
She stepped into the stream of hot water, the tears still streaming from her eyes and her breath occasionally caught by sobs, and she marveled at the burning sensation the water had on her skin. People use steaming hot water to disinfect things. Do victims feel clean after taking a boiling hot shower? Is there something to feel when getting clean? All the feelings and touches and fluids are washed away just like the germs when disinfecting something. Victims must feel something. But she didn't.
Only after the shower. The hot water has increased the pain in her muscles and the bruises hurt a lot more as well. She needed to ask Elliot if she got any kind of medication for the pain. And it suddenly hit her. She was either in shock or out when they did the rape kit. Did they do a rape kit? They must have. After all, even if she couldn't tell that she was indeed raped, her appearance probably did, and even if that didn't, there were around a dozen people who probably watched it happen on live broadcast. Somebody must have mentioned to the doctors what happened. That she was raped. Hah- she huffed to herself. Raped.- how bitter that word sounded.
Whoever did the shopping, had done a thorough job. Elliot marveled for a second at the thought of a highly skilled federal officer, marshal or whoever was in charge of these things, pushing a shopping cart and trying to decide between whole wheat flour and multi grain flour for the new witnesses. But he really did a great job. He could have practically made a Thanksgiving AND a Christmas meal from the stuff that was stacked up in the cabinets and the fridge. Not that he was in the mood. Settling for making some simple spaghetti, he was almost done, when he heard her footsteps approaching the kitchen. The little taps were painfully slow and he already dreaded her mood. She must have seen her bruises. She must be blaming herself. And he was blaming himself for not saving her from those animals. It should have been a simple mission and yet everything went wrong.
He watched as Olivia struggled with pulling out a chair at the kitchen table. She seemed like she just gave up keeping it together. The instant mother she played like an hour before, was long gone, and who entered the kitchen rather resembled the vegetating human being who has been sitting beside him on their drive to their new home. But still. He was somewhat glad, that she let herself just go. He wished she knew she didn't have to be strong all the time. She was not alone in the situation. He was there too. And he could be strong for her too. 'Let me help y..' he reached for her hand to help with the chair following his flow of thoughts. It was his time to be strong for her. But despite her obvious difficulty to move, she flinched away. 'No!' she exclaimed, casting her eyes downwards, suddenly feeling conscious of her reaction. 'I can manage,' Olivia added shyly.
'Okay,' he stepped back, carefully observing every muscle movement in her face, trying to guess her thoughts, with very little success. Normally he could read her like an open book. But then? Nothing. What on earth was going on with her? She probably got a bad beating. She was bruised, sure, and limping. So why didn't she let him help her? 'Okay,' he repeated himself as he watched her stealing a glance towards the bedroom door. 'Tell me how can I help,' he tried to find her gaze, but she was still busy observing the cracks in the wooden floor. He wished she would just tell him to help her walk to the bedroom, but he was a hundred percent sure that she would never do that.
'You can't,' she answered in a defeated voice, practically breaking Elliot's heart. Still, she was oh so wrong if she thought he was going to let her go just like that. She was not okay. And if they were doing that family thing, they needed to care about each other. Who knows how long they were going to live together. Not that him caring about her would be so hard. That application got turned on the second she walked into the squadroom all those years ago, and year by year, his concern just got stronger and stronger, but her unbreakable wall always made it hard for him to actually be there for her. But this time, he can't just let her go. She was seriously suffering and he wanted to be there for her.
'Liv, talk to me,'
'I'm tired, Elliot and would like to go to sleep,' she finally faced him, but her tears blurred her vision so much that she could barely make out where he was standing. She hated that she was so helpless. There she was facing possibly the biggest tragedy of her life and on top of it, she was yanked out of her life as she knew it until then and got placed into a mix and match family. How ironic is life. How many times has she dreamed about having kids? Having a family? Or even about such selfish things, like spending a night with Elliot. And suddenly she got everything she wished for. Family, kids, all with Elliot, and she didn't even become the third party in his marriage. All when she was struggling after taking each and every breath. All when she wished she had her service gun with herself, so she could seriously consider putting a bullet in her brain. How could she possibly take care of a family, play the loving matriarch when her own survival was also questionable? And on top of it, what the hell should she do with Elliot? She didn't make him cheat on his wife, but she sure took him away from his family. If only she wouldn't have been so keen on going undercover with that stupid operation. But no. She had to. She had the itch, she wanted to prove herself, and she left only debris in her wake, leaving Elliot to pick up her pieces, because she, alone, won't be able to do it. And however it hurt to admit, that was for sure.
Elliot knew he had no right to question her. It was not an interrogation after all. She needed to figure out on her own, that she needed to trust him, that she could share her feelings with him. That they were not only partners anymore. How strange was it to stay that. And he let his thoughts wander to a place which he kept locked up in his mind, and very rarely granted himself the right to go there. But Olivia was there with him. They were about to play husband and wife in front of everyone, he couldn't help but wonder how close would she let him go away from all the prying eyes.
And even though he could barely control himself, he really wanted those blank spaces filled in; he needed to know what happened while he was out, and how did she get so hurt, he didn't ask any further questions. Her teary eyes looking up at him pleadingly distracted all his nerves. Those eyes broke his heart and having no better idea, he figured he'd let her decide what she wanted to do. 'Okay,' he said quietly and stepped out of her way, watching as she tried to hide the limp in her walk on her way to the bedroom.
It was only a short time, when Olivia heard the bedroom door open, and Elliot sneaking in quietly. She expected him to ask if she was awake, but he didn't say a word. She expected the bed to gently dip behind her, when he would sit down, preparing to go to sleep, but it didn't. Instead she heard the closet door open, and quiet ruffle coming from its direction. Then footsteps. She moved closer to the side of the bed, but yet again, Elliot walked past the bed and reopened the door, letting the dim light coming from the kitchen illuminate the wall Olivia was facing. 'Where are you going?' she asked quietly, without turning in the bed to face him. She could tell from the change of his breathing that she startled him. He probably expected her to be asleep. He closed the short distance to the bed with a few steps.
'Going to sleep on the couch,' he answered taking a pillow from the bed.
'You don't have to. It's fine,'
'It's okay, Liv. I'll be fine on the couch,'
'I don't want you to sleep on the couch,' she whispered, but only hot air came out. Still, he heard her, as he stopped with his movement. 'Can you stay?' Olivia asked, her tears sliding down her face at her own helplessness.
'Liv,' he begged. Of course he wanted to stay. He wanted to stay there forever, with her. He wanted to hold her and kiss her and tell her in hushed voice, that everything was going to be okay. But she was crying. And it broke his heart. 'I'll stay, but please talk to me Liv,' he whispered as he sat down on the edge of the bed. So that's how she went down into her rabbit hole- Elliot wondered to himself. After a case got fucked up, he went home to his family, and was lucky enough to have five kids who all had their own problems and fights, which magically each and every time helped him forget about the disaster that he survived that day. But Olivia had noone to do that for her, maybe an occasional boyfriend did help her forget, until she kicked him out of her bed. Yeah, that's how Elliot always imagined those situations. And if their current one wouldn't have been so gruesome, he had maybe allowed himself a little smile. But he didn't. Something told him, that that time it was different. Did she always take it so hard? Sure she was injured this time, but nothing permanent right? Otherwise the doctors would have never let her out of their sight. So what was the tragedy that she was so upset about? That they'd have to play family together for a while? If he wanted to be radically and completely honest, he even liked it a tiny bit. The kids were cute, and he finally had a reason to spend more time with Olivia. When she didn't answer, he decided he was going to probe her a little further. He knew that he was not going to get an answer, though he was hoping for one tiny bit of reassurance that she was going to be okay. A little smile, a word or even a change in her breathing. After all those years, he could easily tell what she was thinking only by her breathing pattern. But nothing this time. Her tears kept falling silently and he has never felt so helpless in his life. He let out a desperate sigh, and running out of ideas, Elliot put the pillow back from where he took only seconds before and he laid on top of the blanket facing Olivia's back.
No words were spoken, but there was no need for them really. She slowly turned around to face him, and upon seeing the genuine concern in his sky blue eyes, she couldn't contain her feelings any further and gave way to the range of conflicting emotions in her mind. She broke down in sobs as she thought about all the things that happened. If only she hadn't forced that whole undercover thing, Elliot could be home with his family and her own life, her whole life wouldn't be in shambles.
Elliot watched as the woman he cared for so much broke in front of his eyes. He knew she blamed herself for the failure of the operation, but he also knew that that alone wouldn't cause her to break down so much. He watched as she curled up sobbing, as she clung desperately to her own torso; as a final line of protection between herself and the rest of the world. And the images kept floating his mind. The way Roldan approached her motionless form on the bed. The expression on Fin's face when he discovered Olivia. Then the Captain's words.
She went through a lot of things.
You will need to be strong for the both of you.
She has never been under these circumstances.
The way she walked with a limp. And when she freaked out after he hugged her, then jumped from his touch. And he couldn't help his poor heart being pierced by the words he just remembered her saying.
What else do I still have to lose?
His tears were threatening to fall. He needed to do something. The sudden realization hit him like a ton of bricks. How could he have been so stupid?! He knew all the tell-tale signs and yet he failed to recognize them with Olivia. He really needed to do something. He jumped out of the bed and started pacing the room to try to deal with his unbelievable level of frustration. She was still curled up on the bed, her cries quieted down a bit, she was probably waiting for his actions, and he needed to ask her, but he had no idea how. He rubbed his forehead with his palms and decided that they need to face the music. Elliot went back to the bed, lay down facing Olivia, mirroring her posture. He slowly slid a hand towards her, but not quite touching her, and took a deep breath. Although he already knew the answer to the question, it was still the hardest one he was ever going to ask in his life.
'They raped you,' he whispered trying to contain his horror, and it didn't come out as a question, rather a dreadful statement but he still waited for her to shake her head and tell him that they only got close…
