Chapter Seven: She'd Dreamed the House First

Somehow things went bad.

Or maybe they'd been bad to begin with, only it took her a while to realize it. She had the charming, handsome husband, the beautiful baby and the expensive house. The great career lay ahead of her. She had it all. But sometimes it didn't feel right. Sometimes she would catch herself wondering...

Am I happy?

Don't be ridiculous. Of course you're happy. Your life is perfect.

But still...

And every now and then something would happen. Something that indicated not only that things were not perfect, but that something was actually wrong.

She spent an entire day curled on the couch crying, ignoring the baby's wails, and when she realized Derek would be home soon frantically tidied herself up, greeted him with a smile and told him she'd had a wonderful day.

Bonny was two and Derek found her huddled on the floor by her daughter's bed in the middle of the night, staring at the rise and fall of her abdomen as she breathed. Groggy and half asleep, he asked her what she was doing and she responded, in a small, frightened voice,

"If anything ever happens to her, I'll die."

He asked if she was okay and his own voice conveyed more confusion than worry.

He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand at all.

Obvious she wasn't okay, but he had a strange look on his face, as if he was slightly amused by the situation, so she answered,

"I'm fine. You should go back to sleep," and he obliged.

Soon the charming, handsome husband's career took off and he started giving more to his job. Not time so much as attention. Derek was very good about budgeting his time, doing it all, being the great husband, the great father and the up-and-coming neurosurgeon. If anything he seemed more attentive, always ready to take his daughter to the park, take his wife out to dinner. Bonny loved him for it. Addison wondered how much he really meant any of it.

Because it sometimes seemed like Derek read bedtime stories, and bought flowers and said "I love you" the same way he cut and sutured and ran post op-analyses, like a machine, like a surgeon, like a man for whom it had all become routine.

And she was part of the routine. Bonny too. They all had a role to play. Derek was the great guy, the knight in shining armor, the career man who liked to barbeque and teach little kids how to play catch. She was the beautiful, smiling wife, who was good at her job, of course not as good as her husband, and who laughed at her husband's bosses' jokes.

She was supposed to be the perfect mother, and Bonny was supposed to be the perfect child.

But the beautiful baby grew into a daughter with spirit, and a will of her own. She was spoiled, used to getting what she wanted, when she wanted, and ready to fight to get her own way. She was certainly not used to sharing and when she started to "make friends" with the other children in the neighborhood there were countless incidents of hair pulling, biting, and screaming fits in which Bonny was usually the aggressor.

Derek was no disciplinarian. Addison was expected to deal with all of this, expected to know how to deal with it, although she was an only child from a small family and hadn't had the experience with siblings and cousins and nieces and nephews that Derek had.

So she gave in too easily, or lost her cool, or was inconsistent, and ultimately only encouraged Bonny's temper. But although this angry little person was certainly harder to control than a sweet, smiling baby, Addison was secretly pleased. Bonny reminded her of her own four-year-old self fighting tooth and nail to be allowed to stay outside past her bed time. She wondered what happened to that person. If she wanted to scream, if she wanted to cry, would she still be able to do it?

So no, she didn't mind the tantrums. What she couldn't stand was the house.

Ironically, as a teenaged band geek with braces, hating her present and imagining how much better her future was going to be, she'd dreamed the house first. Before she wanted the husband and the career, and back when she was convinced she would never want children, she had wanted a Central Park Brownstone.

But by the time Bonny was three she couldn't wait to get away from it, needed to escape that house so badly that she insisted Bonny start preschool a year early so she would be able to get back to work full time. Derek had been against it but she had refused to back down. She had a right to a career and a woman could be a professional and a mother, and didn't they both believe in that?

She knew Derek would not understand that her real reason for wanting to get back to work was that the house, with it's "modern but welcoming" decor and its stain resistant microfibre sofas made her feel like everything below her skin was slowly going numb.

Work helped, and she threw herself into it. Like Derek, she began to make a name for herself and she found she liked success. But success had its price. Because she was successful, and because she and Derek were the power-couple, and because she had the expensive house and the killer wardrobe, people assumed she was happy. And she soon realized it wasn't an option to tell them, "No, I'm not." No one would believe her.

So by the time Bonny started Kindergarten she'd gotten used to putting on a mask. Become accustomed to the concerted daily effort to wear a smile. Become accustomed to crying quietly in the bathroom. Become accustomed to nightmares.

The house was falling apart, disintegrating into razor-sharp fragments, and she had to get down to the basement. Somehow, if she could just get down to the basement she would be safe. But the steps were rotting and collapsing under her feet and it was dark in the basement and she was afraid to go down.

She woke from this dream, shivering and drenched in sweat at least twice a month and stole silently to the bathroom to splash cold water over her face. Derek never noticed.

Neither did Bonny. Or maybe she noticed but didn't understand. Because more than once, after drying her tears, she'd slip into her daughter's bed and find herself whispering nonsensical apologies.

"I'm sorry sweetheart. I wish I was a better mother," and Bonny, more asleep than awake, would grumble and respond,

"But you're the best mommy in the whole world," and her daughter's sincerity, her obvious belief in this statement, would half comfort her, half break her heart.

You're the best mommy in the whole world.

How do I live up to that?

Bonny never seemed to remember these conversations in the morning.

So Derek didn't notice and Bonny didn't understand.

But Mark seemed to do both. Mark who didn't think or care about anyone other than himself. Mark who was self absorbed and arrogant and at the same time didn't care what other people thought of him. Mark who was the man-whore to Derek's knight in shining armor. The element of danger to contrast Derek's non-threatening good looks.

He seemed to notice the unhappiness she'd become so good at concealing. Seemed to be able to say with no more than a second, a blue-grey moment, of eye contact,

I see you. You're miserable.

And he seemed to understand.

By the things he said to her, half joking, half dead serious, she could tell he knew just how badly she wanted to escape.

"You know, I've always wondered what a girl like you is doing married to a guy like Derek. I mean, the guy's my best friend but...

"Why don't you and me rent a car -something sexy, a sexy, little, red convertible -and just drive the hell out of this town? Lets go to Vegas.

"Don't you ever want to just get away from it all? Leave the whole damn thing behind?"

"I don't think I could do that."

"I think you could."

Marks lips were already on her neck and his hands were already on the buttons of her shirt before she managed to whisper,

"This is a bad idea."

"Yeah." His lips never left her skin. "This is a pretty bad idea."

"You know... I don't really care,"

And kissed him hard, bruising her lips against his, pulling him up the stairs.

And it all happened so fast. And she had never seen Derek so angry.

Not even when...

But this was different. Other people were implicated in this. This was betrayal that could not be kept secret. This would taint his image.

And in the middle of her panic she realized that that was what he was really angry about. Even if he wasn't aware of it himself, she knew. He was afraid this would make him look bad.

And ridiculous things were pouring out of her mouth.

We can fix this.

We're Derek and Addison.

You have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am.

And she wasn't even sure she wanted the chance. But she knew this was too fast. And then he was gone. And she was terrified. Because wearing the mask, the beautiful, smiling wife who was good at her job, though not as good as her husband, and who laughed at her husband's bosses' jokes, was something she knew how to do.

And taking that mask off was not something she was ready to do.

And taking care of her daughter without Derek hovering in the background was something she wasn't sure she'd ever be ready to do.

So she let herself breakdown. In front of Bonny. She broke down when her daughter needed her most.

Then two wonderful, terrible months with Mark.

Mark who made her herself again. Mark who suggested she flush her wedding rings down the toilette and went for long walks whenever she fought with her daughter.

Mark who was not very good at monogamy.

Two months spent answering,

"I don't know so stop asking me," whenever Bonny whined,

"When is Daddy coming back?"

And that was what she really regretted.

Bonny who had screeched and hollered and yelled all her life, but never once whined, became a whiner.

And Addison got in the habit of plugging her ears.

Then two months and one too many inquiries about her father from Bonny and the guilt caught up with her. The vicious highs and lows became too much to handle.

So she tracked Derek down. She sought out the life that killed her from the inside out and asked for it back. She handed him divorce papers they both knew he wouldn't sign and he took her back because she was his wife. Because she was the mother of his child.

And because he was McDreamy, mysterious and noble with a forbidden love to go along with his new persona. And somehow taking her back made him look like the good guy.

And Mark became one more thing they didn't talk about.

One more thing Addison had to feel guilty about.


Ooh, mystery.

Plot is coming... Sort of.

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