Chapter Seven – Funny Business

The sand felt cold between Ezreal's clenched fingers. Groaning, he pulled his cheek up off the wet surface of the beach and rolled onto his back. Uhh, what the… What's going on…? His eyelids cracked apart, and his gaze met the form of a curvaceous lady lying a couple of yards away. Wait… A nearby shout interrupted his thoughts.

"Ezreal! Hang on!"

The voice was familiar. But from where…?

A peppy Demacian dressed in blue hurriedly crouched down over Ezreal. Her bird squawked loudly, and she ran her hands over his chest, looking for any potential wounds.

"Thank Leona. I was so worried…"

Ezreal couldn't help but smile. She reminded him of Bard, way back at the Institute. Remembering his friend made him a little sad though. He needed to see him soon. But he couldn't return without finding the artifact first. Man, he was getting totally sidetracked with all this.

"Is that… who I think it is?" Quinn pointed to the limp body farther down the beach, the waterline threatening to pull the lass back into the water.

Ezreal coughed roughly and sat up. "Yeah," he replied nonchalantly, wiping some sand from his mouth. Man, salt water tastes horrible. Like meatloaf Monday back at the League.

Quinn helped Ezreal to his feet as she eyed Miss Fortune. The pirate girl's hat was long gone, leaving her long red hair sprawling out behind her, catching in her shirt and pants. Ezreal was shivering like a madman, so Quinn draped her cloak over him and went over to help Miss Fortune as well. She turned her over and checked for signs of breathing.

"Well, she's alive, at least. What happened in there? I assume you went back to her ship?"

"Okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but just hear me out, all right?"

"Mmm."

"Like I said, crazy stuff. You have to believe me."

"Yeah, I got that." She put her hands on her hips.

"It's totally crazy."

"Just tell me already!"

"Okay." He took a deep breath and paused for dramatic effect. "I was on her ship, right? So I snuck into her cabin and tried to get my gauntlet back, which I have right here." He held up his gauntlet, and the jewel in the center shone brightly, even with the cloudy skies overhead. "Mission accomplished. But then, some girl with blue hair showed up, and kinda threw a bomb at us, so I grabbed her-" he pointed to Miss Fortune, "-and dove out the window. And here we are."

Quinn stared blankly at him. "Um. Are you sure that's what happened?"

Ezreal slapped his forehead. "Surer than a guy who's really sure about something. More sure than that. Hey, I couldn't think of a good analogy on the spot, all right?!"

Quinn snorted in laughter. Oh shoot, that was really loud. I need to stay cool here. She cleared her throat. "In any case, it looks like we got her," she slapped Miss Fortune's stomach a couple times. "So let's bring her back up to the Quinn Cave, shall we?"

Ezreal squinted his eyes. "The what now?"


"Okay, before we do anything else, you need a much better name for this place than 'the Quinn Cave.'"

"Come on! It's a good name, okay!?" She blushed profusely.

Ezreal rubbed his chin in thought. "Something more birdy. Like, the Nest, or, the Den." He snapped his fingers. "I've got it. The Perch."

Quinn hit him smartly on the shoulder. "That's the worst name I've ever heard. And here I thought 'the Canopy' was bad."

"How about the Shoulder Pain?"

"Shut up."

Once more, Ezreal was able to demonstrate his superior knotting skills. Miss Fortune was tied up pretty darn good. Quinn's hideout was just as Ezreal remembered it, although he did spot a strangely familiar book resting on her bed. One of those books about his life, or something. He was reminded of the dozens of girls asking him to sign one of these things on a daily basis back at his hometown, and cringed. He didn't really want to know why she was reading it.

"Jeez, I'm impressed." Quinn crossed her arms and nodded her head in approval. Right at that moment, Miss Fortune stirred.

Ezreal and Quinn stood and watched for a few moments. "Do you uh," Ezreal inquired, "think she's gonna talk, orrr…" Miss Fortune was clearly awake, but was pretending to be asleep.

"Hey, lady," Quinn slapped her face lightly a few times to get her to react. "Ezreal here just saved your life, so I think you'd better thank the man." Miss Fortune finally opened her eyes, only to glare at Quinn coldly. She glanced over at Ezreal cooly, only to blush and look away.

Miss Fortune cleared her throat. After a moment, she remarked, "…Thanks. I guess."

Ezreal coughed abruptly and looked to the side. Why did she have to say it like that? Quinn watched the two of them, and started to feel a little jelly. She cleared her throat and walked over to Miss Fortune.

"By order of Demacia, Miss Fortune, you are found guilty of serious crimes. These include, but are not limited to, kidnapping, deception with malicious intent, and human trafficking. I will bring you back to Demacia now, so that you can make up for these crimes in due process."

Ezreal leaned in close to Quinn awkwardly. She turned her head towards his.

"Are you gonna kiss her now?" He whispered.

"W-what?! No!" She pulled away sharply.

"Well, cause I thought, you said-"

"IDIOT!" She punched Ezreal so hard that he flew backwards through the window. "Oh… crap." A large WHUMP soon followed, with an accompanying groan of pain.

His voice floated in through the open window. "I'm okay! I think!"


Bard counted the gold coins in his hand. Twelve gold pieces. What could he buy with twelve gold pieces? A chocolate bar? No, this isn't the time for that. I need to find someone here who can take me to Ezreal. But where could he be? I've already searched all of Piltover.

Bard strolled out of Piltover General Store with a fat chocolate bar in his hand. Tearing off a chunk with his teeth, he thought, Hey wow, that's pretty good- oh gosh darn it! Now I only have two gold pieces left! How am I going to barter for transportation with two gold pieces?!

A familiar face rolled up. It was the Donger himself, in a snazzy looking vintage car. "Hold on a second," he mused, tapping his fingers against the side of the car. "You're Ezreal's friend, right? Bard, was it?"

The insides of the car were padded with yellow leather. Heimerdinger's driving skills were on point, but he sped through the city so fast, you'd think he was late for his own funeral. Wait, is that how the expression works? Eh, heck if I care.

"Speaking of which, where is the lad? I haven't seen him in eons."

Bard chimed in response.

"Don't know, huh? Would be nice if we did know, I'm quite fond of the lad, and wouldn't want to see him ending up in a museum anytime soon. I'm sure I could whip up some invention for you. The Ezreal Finder Device! No, that's not a good name for it." He lost himself in thought.

Heimerdinger's lab in Piltover was seriously decked out. The surface level looked normal enough, as it was a small house with two floors, but Heimy led Bard down into the basement, where he performed all of his experiments and crafted fantastic inventions.

"Been a while since I've stayed at the Institute. Thank Leona for summer vacation, right, old pal?"

The concept of time was slightly lost to Bard, but he nodded his head in response anyway. Chiming urgently, he pointed to his wrist.

"What is it? Does this have to do with Ezreal? Something urgent, eh? Is he in danger? By golly! We've got to do something about it! One second, if you will."

In reality, it was more like 352 seconds. The Donger stepped away from one of his workbenches and put his hands on his hips, beaming proudly. Bard peered over his shoulder at the contraption on the desk.

It was… a telephone. A telephone?

"You're probably thinking, why the telephone? Does this actually work? It's a bit smaller than the diagram, but it should play like a sweet, sweet fiddle. Sticks."

Bard picked up the receiver and activated the device. "I came up with a better name for the device, Bard ol' pal. I call it: the Ezreal Tracker Phone Home. Or, to shorten it a bit, the E. T. Phone Home."

I don't get it.

A young boy picked up Quinn's phone on the other end. "Eeeehhhhhello?" he asked. It's Ezreal! thought Bard.

"By golly! It actually works! Let me put him on speaker. One moment please."

"Is that the Donger?" Ezreal asked excitedly. Bard chimed in response. "Bard! Holy Leona! I haven't spoken with you in ages! But how did you get Quinn's number, and how did you know I was here in Bilgewater?"

Heimerdinger shrugged his shoulders. "Simply put, we didn't. I created the device to track the specific energy readings from your gauntlet, and then wire to the closest telephone. If you didn't pick up, I'd know you're out exploring, and you're usually fine when exploring."

Ezreal rubbed his behind. Those fish with the teeth certainly don't make me feel very fine. "Yeah, I kinda got caught up in some events regarding the pirate queen Miss Fortune and a Demacian named Quinn in my attempts to find the artifact. Which I'm still not even close to finding. It's in Ionia, for Leona's sake! I need a better boat if I'm going to make it there in one piece."

Miss Fortune smiled at the name Ezreal had given her. It sounded cute coming from his lips. The Pirate Queen. Yeeaahh...

Heimerdinger laughed in response to Ezreal's agony. "Don't worry, ol' pal. I'll build us one of those light speed water cruisers with a built in mini fridge. Living life to the fullest."

Ezreal's mouth formed a wide O shape. "Are you serious?! How soon can you make it here?!"

Heimerdinger looked at his watch. "Hmm, about a week earliest. And, by the way Ezreal, did you say you were with Miss Fortune and Quinn?"

"That's right."

"Alone?"

"…"

"Old pal?"

A buzzing tone soon filled the air. Heimerdinger turned to Bard. "Did he just hang up on us?"


"Ohh yeah, Vi… Right there. That's the good stuff." Caitlyn moaned with pleasure.

"Listen, if you're going to ask me to apply muscle rub to your back, at least have the decency to not make it sound like I'm fondling your privates." Vi wiped the remaining cream off on her pants and stood up.

"So, Cait, have you found any leads yet?"

Caitlyn grinned widely. "I managed to track down that ex-boyfriend of yours, Jayce. He told me some stuff that's quite interesting. Quite interesting indeed."

Vi's face flushed red. "What?! What did he tell you?!" She grabbed the collars of Cait's shirt and pulled her into the air.

"Woah there, calm down, love. He's still scared pantless of you." Vi licked her lips at the thought.

"But seriously, you can put me down now." Vi let Cait go unceremoniously, and she staggered up from the floor and pretended like it was no big deal. "So apparently someone else visited your boyfriend Jayce, a certain Bard. Ring any bells?"

"More like, ring any chimes. Yeah, what about him?"

"Well Jayce told me he was in contact with Jinx a while back, and ended up throwing Bard's friend Ezreal under the bus. You know Ezreal right?"

"Oh yeah! He's that kid you were over crushing on when he first came to the League!"

Caitlyn punched Vi in the gut. "I was not 'crushing' on him!"

Vi couldn't hold back laughter. "You totally were, though! You followed him around and started writing down all his favorite foods and silly stuff like that-"

"SHUT UP! I do and did not like Ezreal! Now listen, Jinx is going to be going after him, so we need to find him first and make sure that he's okay."

"Searching for da booty, huh? I see you, Cait." Vi winked cheekily at her.

"Never seen someone so eager to die."


Ezreal spent the following week scouting for some better food and practicing his marksman skills on some crabs by the water. Some weird giant frog creature bet him some pizza against Leona knows what, but he didn't really feel like eating anything that came from that guy, regardless of the fact that he was wearing a chef hat. In the meantime, Quinn tried to pull as much information from Miss Fortune as she could, but was having difficulty in doing so, as Miss Fortune would taunt Quinn about Ezreal. The boy quickly turned into the target of a competition between the two, with Miss Fortune's seductive gaze countered by Quinn's "accidental" physical contact with Ezreal's body. After a week of futile attempts to win his affection, the dude just couldn't handle it anymore. The sexual tension was just too high.

The end of the week was here, and Ezreal was cooking up some grub he bought from the market in Quinn's kitchen at her hideout. Entering the room, Quinn stumbled for the seventh time into Ezreal's arms, and he caught her with a grimace as his ladle flew out of his hand. "Hey, Quinn? Are you feeling all right? You're falling over more often than a Jenga tower."

Quinn blushed and held on tightly to Ezreal. "Yeah, I'm fine, just been feeling a bit dizzy lately." Her heart rate increased rapidly. This could be my chance to secure a-

"Oh, well in that case you should lie down." He carried her to her bed and threw her down. "Stay. Put. Rest. Good Quinn."

As soon as he left the room, he heard his name being called from the next room over.

Ezreal opened the door to find Miss Fortune tied down onto a bed. "W-what?! Miss Fortune?! How did you- I mean why are- I'm just gonna go-"

"No, wait! I need your help!"

Ezreal slammed his head against the door frame and sighed in resignation. "Fine. What is it?"

Miss Fortune wriggled in her bindings. "Quinn tied these a little too tightly. I need you to loosen them for me."

Ezreal looked away. "…Fine. But no funny business." He walked over to her bedside.

"The buckles are in the middle. It would be easiest if you got on top of me."

Ezreal's heart started pounding. No way no way no way.

The puppy dog eyes were too powerful.

Ezreal didn't think the bonds were tied particularly tightly. Straddling Miss Fortune with his legs made his entire body stiffen. Miss Fortune was enjoying the show, but she decided to step it up a notch. Pulling her arms out from the straps, she quickly undid all the bindings, threw Ezreal down underneath her, and let her hair fall over his stunned face.

"Um, Miss Fortune? This business is starting to get a little funny."

She licked her lips in response. "That was the point. This pirate queen is on top." She threw Ezreal's scarf to the side and started to undo the buckles underneath his shirt.

The sweat poured down Ezreal's face in buckets. Oh Leona, what did I ever do to deserve this-

Quinn burst into the room. "MISS FORTUNE!" Ezreal was reminded of his ex-girlfriend, Lux. He winced at the thought.

Miss Fortune groaned. "Can't you just leave two lovers alone?" Quinn seethed with anger.

"Get your hands off my man!"

Miss Fortune laughed, then glared in response. "He's mine." She looked back at Ezreal beneath her.

Ezreal was gone.

"What the- Where'd he go?" The window curtains on the other side of the room fluttered in the breeze.

Quinn locked eyes with Miss Fortune. "Pain. Unimaginable pain."


Author's note:

It's been a while, but I'm back at it again with the Bard/Ezreal story action!

Also that feel when your friend reads your story and points out that Jinx actually has blue hair instead of pink hair

I feel like such an idiot

Also if you haven't noticed I like to fill these stories chock full of random references

Like when Caitlyn says "Never seen someone so eager to die" that's from Fallout 4 from when Cait says "Never seen them so eager to die" which is funny since they both have the same name and ahahah funny joke very nice and cool kill me now