Mommy Dearest

Chapter 7
The Walls of Jericho

Loren and Jen had each taken a cup of decaffeinated coffee out on to the patio, and had unconsciously chosen chairs that placed the table between them. Both had turned their chairs so that they were now both looking out over the swimming pool and out to sea rather than facing each other. Neither said anything, Jen because she wasn't quite sure how, without giving offence, to ask the questions that were eating away at her. Loren because she was a savvy enough lawyer to know that staying silent was a proven way to lure a witness or a suspect into talking, sometimes unguardedly.

Eventually it was Jen who broke the silence, "Loren... ma'am, what are you doing here?"

"Alexandra's not my first child." Her answer seemed to be such a complete non sequitur that Jen was silenced by surprise. "I was born and raised in Berlin, Ohio. Do you know what that means?"

"No."

"My family was, still is, Amish. Old order Amish. The whole thing. For me and my sisters - all seven of us - that meant the dark dress, long sleeves, hair always pinned up and always, always covered. No electricity, no phones, no music, except for sings after church. We went to school only until we finished eighth grade, and then we started work, and the wages we got all went in to the family purse. An Amish girl lives with her parents until she marries, and then goes to her husband." Loren drew a breath, "I was looking forward to getting married, getting out of that house; my father didn't have the gentlest temper in the world and we didn't know any better, we thought it was normal. There is a tradition of what happens in the home, stays in the home, so we grew used to slaps, then as we got older, the slaps started to become kicks and punches, and they got harder and harder as we got bigger. I think he treated mom the same, but I can't forgive her for not protecting us, especially when we were so small, when it all began. I grew up hating him and her, but Amish kids can never say that, they just do as they are told, especially the girls. You probably can't believe how much power the male head of the family has in that sort of society. Kids, especially girls, just don't rebel. There is another tradition where Amish teenagers are tolerated for a year or so if they kick over the traces," her smile was the old cynical, twisted one of Falls Church, "provided they don't kick too hard. I did, I got pregnant. My family kicked me out, and the whole community shunned me. I became a non-person, even the father of my child refused to recognise me when I saw him in the street. I did the only thing I could, I left town and I went English - that's what they call the modern world, English. It was tough for a pregnant seventeen year old to get a job, when she hadn't even been to High School, even working as a dishwasher in a greasy spoon. Anyway, I was broke, I had nowhere to live, I was all alone in a whole different world and I was terrified. The stress got to me, and I lost the baby."

"Oh, ma'am, I'm so sorry..." Once again Jen's hand was laid on her abdomen.

"That's what gave you away, Petty... Jen, what you just did, with your hand... I did the same thing when I was carrying Alexandra, and... Anyway, after I lost my baby I swore that I was never going to be put in that position, or anything similar to it, ever again. I found a dingy one room apartment that I could just about afford, I dodged social services, and I enrolled in a local high school, and I graduated. Then I got a break. A navy recruiter I went to see talked me out of enlisting, and because of my SATS got me into college on navy funding provided I joined the NROTC. I graduated, got commissioned and went for the law. Oh, not because I wanted to serve humanity, or become a force for good, or to make a change but because in navy terms it's a pretty small pond and I could become a pretty big fish - a pretty cynical reason, I guess. So I became a lawyer; a tour here in San Diego and a couple of sea duties later, I was appointed to Falls Church. It was an opportunity for me to shine in the DC spotlight. I identified a target, I developed an ambition, I was going to become the first female JAG, ever and I didn't care who I stepped on or who I had to suck up to, just to be that. I was going to be so secure that I could do anything I wanted. And then I could maybe even start thinking about a family of my own. All that time from when I was seventeen, I hardly ever dated; I had escorts for formal balls, sure, and even to the opera or theatre, but no boyfriend. I did try a couple of time - remember that damn' bracelet? He was one of the tries, and every time I failed, I just dug a deeper trench and set out some more barbed wire. So no more love life for me, no-one was ever going to be allowed to hurt me again. And then I met someone... no, I never dated him, but he seemed to care about me, even to worry about me, tried to help me, tried to advise me, but I did what I had become very, very good at: I shut him out. But," she added reflectively, "he just kept on trying to help the wicked Lieutenant Witch - what, you think I don't know what people call me? - anyway I got the feeling that he cared, not in a romantic way, he was way too fixated on somebody else, but that he was trying to help me, just because that's what he did. Then later, when I met Sergei, it seemed he cared too and shared some of the same ideas, but I guess I was wrong about that, huh? Some freaking smart lawyer gal there wasn't I? Ugh, this coffee's gone cold; shall I get you a fresh cup too?"

Loren returned a few minutes later, not just with fresh coffee, but with a couple of bulky sweaters and offered one to Jen,, "Here put this on, it soon gets chilly out here once the sun has gone down. You asked me what I was doing here. Being rescued, I suppose. I did a Sergei; I ran away from Falls Church, I didn't run to San Diego to my family as I let everyone think. I just ran." An apparently unconnected thought occurred to her, "You knew, didn't you? Aboard the Seahawk, you were the first to guess. You didn't really buy that sea-sickness story did you? Maybe you should be the lawyer, you seem to be a hell of a lot smarter than I am!"

"Let's just say I had my suspicions, ma'am. But it took me a couple weeks to figure it out. It sounds to me like you had me date-stamped and filed away within a few minutes." Jen smiled shyly, "So, perhaps I'm not the smart one after all."

"H'mm, maybe. It wasn't going to be a problem anyway, I decided that I was going to have a termination, nothing, especially not a baby, was going to get between me and my goal, but then Commander... er... Harm said something to me on the COD when I got thrown off the Seahawk, now that was a ding in my service record, or so I thought... and then Lieutenant Sims... well there was something she said to me about the way she felt after losing her baby... and I remembered how I felt after the miscarriage and I just couldn't do it, I had an attitude adjustment and decided to go through with the whole pregnancy and single navy mom thing. I know it's going to be tough, but we'll do it, Alexandra and me. I guess I've got a different ambition now. Being the JAG just doesn't seem all that important any more, being a good mom does. Anyway, I ran here to San Diego, I rented an apartment, got a phone organised, leased a car, and got everything squared away with the OB/Gyn at the Navy Health facility here. But here's the thing: I had saved what I thought was a good amount, during my pregnancy, but I hadn't realised just how expensive it would be in San Diego. I've sub-let my apartment in Georgetown until I return to duty, so I had nowhere else to go and I was struggling. Then when Trish called me a few weeks ago, out of the blue, she caught me on a bad day and I just unloaded on her. I called her and her whole family a whole load of names that she didn't deserve. She's not Sergei's mother, what he did wasn't her fault, but I was just so mad at the whole damn' world I lashed out at the nearest target and Trish fit the description that day. I don't know how she did it, how she found me, maybe I told her when she asked, or maybe I was just so mad I let it slip, but the next thing I knew she was hammering on my door and threatening to break it down if I didn't answer. Then she didn't really give me much choice, the next thing I knew the bump and me were living here, and Frank's lawyers sorted out me short-terming the lease on the apartment. I gotta admit that not having to pay rent is a real big relief. I had no idea that babies were so expensive! There is just one thing I need you and Comm... and Harm to know: Alexandra's last name - it was Trish who wanted her called Rabb, I was going to put her name down as Zhukov, but Trish said that no matter what Sergei called himself, he was the son of Harmon Rabb, and that her husband, she meant Harm's Dad, would want his granddaughter to have his name. But whatever, in the short time I've known her she's been more like a mom to me than my own ever was! I know you don't like me and you probably don't trust me, hell, I've never given anyone at JAG any reason to like me, but believe me when I say that my staying here with Frank and Trish wasn't my idea, but I am so very grateful that they did force me to become their guest. Poor Frank, Trish even made him to go into the delivery room with me. He says the bruises will heal one day!"

To say Jen was amazed at the depth to which Loren had revealed herself would be putting it lightly. But what the blonde woman had told her, more, far more maybe than she had intended, gave so much insight into the person that Loren Singer had been, but she now seemed so different from her previous self. Had it been a gradual change throughout her pregnancy, or had it just happened in the...

"Oh God, Loren! I'm so sorry, we've all been so caught up in our own crap, and how you and Alexandra might be affecting us that we clean forgot to ask you! Just when was she born? And how big? And..."

Loren was as pleased as any new mom to answer questions about her baby and with a huge smile, no, a huge grin on her face, said, "Oh-two-thirty-two hours Tuesday just past, she was 7 pounds six ounces, and eighteen and a half inches long. In other words, just perfect."

Jen could not help but smile at Loren's obvious pride in her daughter, and remarked in a teasing voice, "Yeah, but she'd have been just as perfect if she'd weighed eighteen and half pounds and had been seven and a half inches long, wouldn't she?"

Loren gasped in shock and was about to verbally blast Jen from the face of the planet, when the absurdity of the image Jen had created burst upon her. The outrage that she had felt was displaced by her huge shout of laughter that was wholeheartedly shared by Jan.

"Oh," Loren wept, mopping away tears of laughter, "You have no idea what having a baby that size would do... and I am going to make you pay for saying that!"

"Harmon, I'm going to tell you something now. Something that no man I've ever met really understands and perhaps a lot of women don't understand. When a woman goes into that delivery room, two beings are brought into the world; not only is a child born, but a mother is also born. Try and think that one through, son."

Harm looked at his mother, his ears had heard what she had just said, but his brain, usually razor sharp was taking its own time to puzzle through her words, "OK... I guess I kind of know... that being a parent changes things... I'm sort of feeling that way already with Jen..."

"Yes, son, it changes things for a man, for a father, but huge as those changes are they are nothing compared what happens to a woman when she gives birth. I'm not just talking about physical changes, but really deep, really significant change. I've only known Loren for a very short time, but when I first met her, she reminded of some small frightened creature, backed into a corner and showing her teeth so that the big bad world would just leave her alone. She was in such bad need of a friendly shoulder... no... she was like every woman in her situation, she needed her mom. I don't know anything about her past life, but I reckon it hasn't been too easy, and I guess this was just maybe one straw too many. Anyhow, I didn't give her much choice; I told her she needed to behave herself, be a good girl and do what she was told. Well, she did, not without some snarls and snaps, but we eventually got her back here, and she locked herself away for nearly a whole day, and I swear she was still as sulky as a bear when she finally came out for some food, and she stayed that way right up until Tuesday morning. When we went to see her after she'd rested and cleaned up she was sat up in bed with little Alexandra and she gave as such a smile..." Trish sniffed, and started to fumble in her purse, but then smiled as Frank wordlessly offered her a large white handkerchief. "I don't push her Harm, she's welcome to go anywhere or do anything she wants as long as she's under this roof. She came home yesterday and I swear apart from meal times, she's hardly spent a second away from her baby. This time when she's talking to Jen is the longest I've seen her away. No, she's not being an unnatural mother; she's got the baby monitor in her pocket!"

"Well, mom, I can't help but tell you it was a hell of a shock when I walked into the library and saw her there, but after my heart started beating again, I could tell that she'd changed somehow, her face seemed less... sharp... less peevish... softer... I don't know exactly, and her voice too, it was less shrill..." He laughed, "Yeah, I think I get it, like she'd been re-born!"

Trish just smiled her agreement, but added on a warning note, "Harm, some of the changes are hormonal, they may or they may not last too long, but I think you'll find that there has been some permanent change, so play nice, now, OK?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"There is just one thing more, Harm. The baby's name. It wasn't Loren's idea. It was mine and I had to argue long and hard for her to agree. You see, it doesn't matter what name Sergei uses, he was, is, your father's son, and that makes him a Rabb, and I know your father would want his granddaughter to have his name. So I asked Loren to do that as a special favour to him. Now to change the subject completely, tell me all about your Jennifer, she seems such a lovely girl..."

"Mom, she's the best thing that ever happened to me, since... since..."

"Since Diane?"

"Yes, I was trying to say that, but I couldn't just come out and say it. I don't want to be disloyal to Diane, but while what we had was a good, a very good thing, and if I hadn't been too wrapped up in my flying and had had the sense to ask her earlier, you might have been a grandma years ago, and maybe, Diane..." He choked, the memory of Diane slumped in her car in her bloodstained summer whites was still very vivid and very painful.

"Oh, Harm, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... You can't go there, Diane's death was not your fault, you mustn't blame yourself either for anything you did, or that you didn't do. But I had to ask, son. It wouldn't be fair for you to marry anyone else, especially a girl like Jennifer, if you're still in love with Diane."

"Mom, Diane got me through some of the blackest days in my life. After I crashed, when it was doubtful whether I'd ever walk again or be able to stay in the Navy, let alone fly again, Diane was the one who got through my walls, and wouldn't let me lose faith in myself, I can never, and I ought never, to forget that. I can't recall if I ever told you, but that day when Diane's ship docked, and she was in such a hurry to get off, well, she was coming to meet me. I was going to take her to Grams's and I was finally going to ask her to marry me, I had a ring in my pocket. I was that much in love with her. But that was then, this is now. Diane is gone, she's a wonderful memory I have, and I'll never forget her. She had a huge part in making me who I am today, the very lucky man that Jennifer has for some unknown reason fallen in love with and has said that she'll marry. I couldn't be who I am, who Jen loves, without having had Diane in my life, but now she is just a loved memory, and every so often, I'll pull it out and give it a shine, so it doesn't fade away, and I'll remember how we were, and even grieve a little, but no, I am not still in love with Diane."

Trish's eyes had again filled with tears and again Frank gave her his handkerchief. Trish knew how much her son had erected barriers not just against the world of today, but against the ghosts in his past. She still didn't know everything that he had experienced, there were some things that mothers didn't need to know, but her son had returned from his teenage foray to Vietnam changed in some profound and disturbingly dark fashion. But now, with this new young woman in his life there were signs that he was at last letting go of at least some of his ghosts. She did not want to cause him any further pain, but there was one more question she needed to ask him. "Harmon, have you told Jennifer about Diane?"

"No, not yet."

"You must tell her, and you must tell her before you're married. You can't enter into marriage with a secret of that sort."

"I know, mom, it's one of the things that I mean to do while we're here. Diane is the only other girl I've ever brought home to meet you, and I need to let Jen know that, but without making it seem that she's somehow a second-best, a second choice. I'm just having difficulty in finding the right words and the right time to tell her."

In the event Harm was spared the need to find the right words and time. Shortly after finishing his talk with Trish and the silent but supportive Frank, Jennifer and Loren returned from the patio, thankful despite the chunky sweaters they wore, to be out of the night air. Loren had said a yawning good night and made straight for her bed, all too well aware that Alexandra would be demanding to be fed just about now, if the ache in her breasts was any indication, and certainly again in just another couple of hours.

Jen disappeared into the kitchen and returned shortly with mugs of hot chocolate for the four of them. The conversation was desultory, and trivial as the time difference between the east and west coasts caught up with Harm and Jen and they were soon yawning almost openly. Trish gathered up the mugs and despite their protests chivvied them off to their beds, saying in a stage whisper to Jen, "You know, Jen, it really doesn't matter to me in which room you sleep. But I warn you, that boy of mine is a slippery customer, don't let him get away." Her triumphant smile would be sufficient proof in any court, Harm thought, of the satisfaction she had obtained through putting them both to the blush and in getting in the last word of the night.

He showered quickly, and was about to slide between the sheets when there was a soft knock at his door; a knock he had been half expecting. He was also half-right, it was Jen in a pair of his old boxers with a tie-waist and one of his old academy T-shirts. What he hadn't expected was the puzzled look on her face, or, and his heart sank as he recognised it, what she was holding in her hands.

"Harm," she said in a slightly puzzled tone, "Colonel MacKenzie's always been a Marine, hasn't she? So how come when I was putting away some of my stuff I found this picture of her as a Navy Lieutenant."

He held his hand out to her and drew her down to sit beside him, and taking one side of the picture frame in his free hand, and letting her keep hold of the other edge, he said, "Jen, that's not Mac. Mac's very like her to look at, and maybe that's why I thought for a long time that I loved Mac...This is Diane, and she was a much finer person than Mac can ever be..."

By the time he had finished telling her all about his love for Diane and that she was the only other girlfriend he brought home, and how she had been so brutally and needlessly killed, he was not far from tears, while Jen's tears flowed down her cheeks in an unbroken stream. He finished his narrative with much the same words as he had tried to explain his feelings to Trish earlier that evening, and finished with, "that's how things are Jen, I'm sort of shop soiled, and I'm sorry that I come with all this baggage. and all these ghosts, and that you weren't my first love..."

"Oh, shut up you dumbass." she scolded him gently as she dried her tears, "If Diane hadn't taught you to love, then you wouldn't, you couldn't have loved me. She opened up your heart so that your love could spill out all over me. I'll always owe her for that. I'm glad that she was your first love, but I intend to be your last."

She stood up, put out the light and returned to his bed, determined to show him how very, very serious she was about her intention. Their love-making was a long, slow, tender and healing experience, leaving both of them satisfied and asleep. Even Alexandra's hungry cries just half-an hour later failed to disturb them.