I'm pinned to the door, he's speared me through the chest. He's watching Caroline who just mumbled in her sleep.

"I wanted to know why you didn't come." He says quietly.

"C-come where?"

He looks back at me and the spear twists.

"And now I want to know why there's a carer on duty."

He looks expectant but I haven't a clue what to say. Caroline mumbles again and panic churns in my stomach. Tate gets up and crosses the room slowly. My hands shake at my hips as he slides his hands over my cheeks to cup my face. I worry he's going to crush my skull.

"Well?"

"I didn't know I was supposed to go anywhere" I tell him truthfully, caught in black fire and afraid I was to be set alight.

"You haven't spoken to Hayden?" He murmurs.

"No." I answer barely audible.

He hums satisfied and presses his lips to my forehead, their cold. The weight occupying my chest vanishes. I reach up and gently hold his forearms.

"She told me differently, so I came to hear for myself."

"What did she say?"

He lets go of my face and wraps his arms around me, pulling me to his chest. This feels strange…unnerving.

"She told me" he says , deliberately punctuating his words, "that you refused to come down to see me and it seems she's also lied about taking care of that orderly." My heart stutters, "which leads me back to my first question…who's he?"

I shrug.

"What were you talking about?"

"He was telling me to get to bed. I was having a cigarette and a walk before bed…"

His chest rises and falls, "Well I'll have to take care of him"
"What do you mean?" I say too quickly. He leans back to look down at me.

"Well we can't have him find your bed empty, can we?"

I search his face desperate to find some hint of what he really means but he remains expressionless and impossible to read. He reaches up with one finger and traces my lips. Before I can respond to that the soft clicking of the door next to mine reaches us.

"Get into bed" Tate orders pushing me aside. I dart to my bed and all but dive for it, kicking at my duvet and yanking it up to my chin. My door clicks open and I hold my breath, I hear the familiar scribble and then it clicks closed again. Peeking out from under my eyelashes I make out Tate's still shadow which would have been hid behind the door.

"If Hayden's out of bed, he'll find out." I whisper.

"Which compels me to ask her why she's been so stupid" the shadow answers, Tate steps out in to the moonlight and strolls into the centre of the room. He glances down at Caroline and I follow his gaze, I don't like him looking at her and I'm sure she wouldn't either. So I look away so I don't have to see.

"Should we wake her?"

"No, she's really tired. It's her first night back." I whisper against my pillow.

"All the more reason to, congratulate her, she's selling out."

I frown, she hasn't sold out.

"You're not waking her up Tate."

His eyebrow rises at the firmness in my voice. I begin to crumble under his stare but then the corner of his lips twitch upward, "Fine. I get you to myself then."

"Stay here." He orders turning so fast and disappearing through the door faster than I can blink.

"Tate!" I hiss in panic.

Blaine.

What if he hurts him? What if Blaine catches him? What if he finds out about what I've done? What he hates me.

I'm frozen and don't realise I've been holding my breath until my lungs threaten to explode. I start kicking off the covers when Tate slips through the door again; he's like a ghost, an illusion.

"Harder than I thought" He mutters and I take that as something to be relieved about.

"What were you going to do?"

He strolls over to my bed until he's standing over me, "I thought maybe Hayden didn't drug him like she's supposed to...but he hasn't drank his coffee and by now it's cold." I don't want him anywhere near Blaine.

Something brushes over my hair and I flinch under Tate's fingers.

"What?"

"How long has he been here?" he repeats.

"I don't know, a month."

He stares down at me and I feel like I'm staring into a black abyss, about to be swallowed up. The abyss descends down and his nose skims against my cheek.

"I always thought it was sick to have men on the women's ward." He says pressing a kiss just shy of my ear. I'm frozen and nearly shatter when the bed jerks as he hops over me onto it. I didn't realise I was hoping he was going to leave until now.

"We'll just have to hang out here." He sighs throwing his arm behind his head. When Caroline sighs and turns over I pull the duvet up over us and I lie down awkwardly into the crook of his other arm. He smells of fresh cotton. My eyes feel heavy and he begins tracing my hip.

"I've been thinking about you all day." He murmurs softly, taking me by surprise. I tilt my head to look up at him and his eyes have found base, they're liquid black like poster paint, "Ben even thought I seemed… optimistic."

"That's nice."

He leans up so he's bearing over me again, "You fell earlier. Are you okay?"

"Yes I'm fine." How did I have sex with him? I'm finding it hard to lie beside him never mind fuck him.

He stares and then he's moved half way down the bed, the covers aren't concealing him and he's lifting the crook of my knee. I glance nervously at Caroline who's dead to the world. I shake my head repulsed at the association of her and death. Tate kisses the scrapes and I feel an uncomfortable twinge in one spot, he doesn't kiss it again but works around it.

"Funny how delicate some of us are."

"It's just a scratch" I breathe and he crawls back up and leans up on one forearm. He fingers walk slowly up my knee, to my thigh, to my hip, over my tummy, in between my breasts to the hollow of my throat. His fingers slide up around my neck and he tilts my chin up.

"So what did you do little bird?" he asks intently, "to get put in the cage."

I know what he means, it's clear for once and I don't think I could lie to him even if I tried.

"I took too many pills… LSD and drank too much." I whisper finding it tricky to get the words off my tongue.

His face doesn't change, doesn't judge.

"Wanted to see wonderland before it all went dark?"

"It just stayed dark."

"I'm glad it didn't work." He sighs releasing his hand from around my neck and smoothing back my hair, "It is a gift you know, it allows to see the world as what it is."

"It feels pretend." I mumble sadly.

"So why would you want to kill yourself" he asks leaning down so his lips brush mine, "when you can be the little bit of truth in the world."

My head is swimming and my hearts beating a mile a minute. I feel him smirk and I lean up and press my lips to his. They're still cool…calming. His lips part slightly and I forget where I am, that Caroline's in the room, that Blaine's patrolling the ward as we make out on my bed. All too soon he's rolling off me and running a hand over his face, I miss his weight and the feel of him between my thighs, I felt safe.

"Why are we stopping?"

He smirks from under his arm, "I thought we weren't to wake Caroline."

I open my mouth to dumbly protest when the familiar clicking of doors sounds. Panic rises again and escalates when Tate doesn't react, just lies staring at the ceiling. I grab the duvet and try to fling it over us, it's caught around his legs and chuckles as I get more frazzled and finally just yank it over us. The door clicks open and I freeze my heart nearly bouncing out of my chest, frozen as I stare at Tate grinning at me and, someone who could be Blaine, ticks off a chart. A chart that says I'm behaving, that I'm good, that I'm doing the right thing.

That's a lie.

No one yanks away the covers or starts yelling, the only noise is the click of the door as it closes. Thank god Tate's lean and is also grinning which is infectious, and soon I'm giggling in relief. He hushes me with a kiss, soft and unlike Tate. Similar to how he'd told me he'd been thinking about me. I suddenly didn't want him to go.

And if sensing so...

"I have to leave soon." He murmurs against my lips. I pout and he kisses it away. Tate's kisses… Tate's kisses were slipping into your favourite leather jacket, familiar and it was getting really warm.

"You've only been here for an hour." We spend way more than that down in the basements.

"Two. And I have some things to take care of." He says taking a tendril of my hair and twisting it tightly around his finger. I'm about to tell him to cut it out when he unwinds it and throws the covers back. The coolness of the room assaults my feverish body.

"So did you enjoy yourself last night?" He asks and I'm more aware of Caroline than ever.

I nod and he smiles…a real one, like he's actually happy.

"What would make you think differently?" I whisper confused to why he was unsure of himself…I mean that didn't seem to be a common trait of his.

He smirks and looks up at me, "I was worried the drugs would have affected my dick."

He, uh, what.

I throw my hand over my mouth to try and stifle my laughter, partly scared it would upset him but he seems amused too.

"Sorry" I mumble and he shrugs, casting a look at Caroline. This was getting a bit ridiculous and stressful, he'll have to leave soon.

"I'd rather have to laugh now than last night… I would have been very pissed off if I'd let that pass me by."

I blush from my hair line to my toes.

He fingers my pyjama bottoms, "I prefer the dresses."

"I wonder why."

"Easy access"

I shake my head at his bluntness and run a hand over my face.

"Your tired." He comments and I nod.

"I didn't get much sleep last night."

He grins.

"Sleep when you're dead."

I try to brush that off but it gets under my cold skin. He slides his hand heavily around my waist and we're kissing again. When I'm breathless he aims for my throat, his hot breath on my skin makes me shiver. He places a long, open mouthed kiss near the base before pulling away with a sigh. I'm frustrated. I'm stressed. I want him to leave but want to go with him and stay here.

"What time is it?"

"Nearly four" he answers looking down at his wristwatch. He shakes it and let the sleeve fall down.

If Caroline tries to get me up at eight so help her.

He leaps off the bed and lands lightly on his feet; maybe he's not a ghost… just a ninja. He pulls the covers up over me and begins tucking me in. This is bizarre.

It's possible it's not real…It's possible this is a dream and last night was a dream.

"I wish I could stay with you" he says kissing my forehead and I close my eyes, "Goodnight little bird."

When I open them he's gone.

Its possible It's not real.

*
All too soon I'm being shaken.

"What?" I groan burrowing deeper.

"They want to change the sheets grumpy" Caroline chirps, "so get up."

I huff and make no sign of movement.

"You have to get up now dear or we'll simply make you."

I throw off the sheets and glare at Vivian, her and her stupid hair. She doesn't seem fazed which pisses me off further. Caroline, fully dressed and hair perfect, hands me a throw blanket and I pull it round me. We're sitting down onto the sofa before I remember that I actually mind my appearance around a certain someone. I look around for him but he's not here.

"If he was on night shift, he'll be sleeping in their quarters or he'll be off today." Caroline says quietly not looking away from the TV, but she smiles.

It doesn't help my mood, at all.

Other girls are coming onto the ward as it wakes up, the girl who likes to crawl, crawls past and the one who never talks is lead by a nurse to the arm chair so she can stare blankly at whatever Caroline has on.

"C'mere" Caroline coaxes holding out her thin arm indicating for me to lie down. Her thigh wasn't going to be comfy but I didn't care, I was so tired. I lie down and she makes up for being a crap pillow by running her hands through my hair.

"I don't know why you get so tired." She says and I don't want to know why either.

When I resurface from my doze Caroline's still brushing my hair and she's watching 'Bewitched'. More girls are in the TV room now, Violet in the other armchair with the silent girl still in the other. Hayden's sitting at the table, her back to me and seems to be playing cards with two others.

"Feel better?" Caroline asks as I sit up and rub my eyes. I nod sheepishly and wrap my blanket tighter around me. I want a cigarette. I want to see Blaine but looking around he's still not here and I feel grumpy again.

"Go get dressed and we can go get breakfast" she says happily handing the remote over to the lady dressed like a four year old.

"Just saying that must be a mouthful for you." Hayden's voice comments.

I glare at the back of her dull, red head. I can't deal with her right now. Thankfully Caroline just rolls her eyes and unfolds herself from her seat, tugging me along. I glance at Violet and am confused then nervous to the look on her face. She's paler than usual and when her eyes meet mine she looks afraid…

Something's wrong.

Caroline has her therapy session when we get back and the rest of us have to go to the art room. It's a lot different in the daylight, a lot more innocent or something. There are easels set up around the room, I dart for the one farthest back. I glance at the fire exit door that leads down to the basement… to the midnight club. Tate had come into our ward again last night, this time undetected and he came in because Hayden told him I wasn't coming… why had she done that. Why didn't Violet wake me up?

Speak of the devil, Violet comes chooses the easels to the right of me and a little bit in front. I try to catch her eye but her heads bent and I lose patience staring at her chestnut curtain of hair.

"So what happens if I get discovered?" Hayden asks ambling into the room, mock enthusiasm clinging to her, "Do you take credit?"

"Please take your space" A nurse orders calmly from the front. Hayden rolls her eyes and flings her hair over her shoulder and I'm hit by shock. There's an angry red mark on her cheek bone, it's not big but it looks really sore.

"What happened to your face?" The nurse asks at once moving towards her.

"Fell out of bed." Hayden replies happily. Its complete bullshit and I look around for someone to share my scepticism with.

"You fell out of bed?" The nurse repeats.

"What? You've never done that? Are you just purrfect…" Hayden asks reaching out and flicking her name tag, "Nurse Julie?"

The nurse jumps back obviously intimidated, maybe she was new. The regulars on are ward don't pay Hayden much attention which is why she starts throwing furniture trying to get them to retaliate. Hayden smirks, evidently pleased with herself and turn on her heel and takes her place. Our art teacher or nurse or whatever she was blinks rapidly and moves back a few paces.

"So, today ladies I would like you to paint…"

"You don't say" Hayden muses loudly so a few girls giggle.

"I want you to paint the thing you want most; I want you to use the colours to reflect your feelings. So if you'd like some, I don't know, some flowers, paint them yellow because they'd bring happiness or warmth. Do you see?"

"I want to get laid." Hayden says and even I snigger at that. Nurse Julie blanks and then tells us to think about it for five minutes.

I dunk my brush into the water and look at the blank canvas.

Fifteen minutes later and everyone's doing something, even Violet. Hayden's flicking paint at another girl. People are drawing cats, ice-cream, hearts, books…

"Do you need any help?"

Nurse Julie is smiling at me.

"I don't what I want." I blurt out looking back at the blank canvas and beginning to panic.

"There's no right or wrong answer" she says gently, "It can be as big or as small as you like."

"This is an assessment isn't it?"

She purses her lips. "Try not to think of it as a test, which it isn't, it's a simple exercise."

"How do I paint wanting to know what I want?" I ask.

She gives me the 'I have nothing to say' smile, the one where you just don't have a response or have lost interest. She moves on to someone else. Everyone just gives up on me.

I suddenly know what to paint. I stab my palette, ruining the brush, and then swipe it across the paper. When I'm done I'm breathing heavily and have to wipe at my eyes and I have no idea why, I don't know.

"Can I leave? I'm done." I ask my voice loud and quaking.

Julie looks up from someone else's portrait with that blank look.

"Your done? Well, I, I suppose so" she rambles, "bring it up to the front for me and sign it."

I rip the page off, allowing it to flop over and be concealed from prying eyes. Julie briskly marches from the other side to meet me.

"Ah now let me see" she says unfolding it and laying it on the table. The uneven circle with nearly ineligible markings on the inside stares up at me and I look away. Violets leaning out from behind her canvas in curiosity, Hayden's chewing on her paint brush with her eyes trained on me…there ringed blacker than normal today and highlight the mark on her face.

"Its um, Its um, well" Julie dithers and I snatch the pen from her hand so she jumps.

"Aren't you going to hold it up?" Hayden calls. I ignore her and go back to my room.

Caroline isn't back yet and my blood courses with jealousy. I sit down on the bed and cling to the edge. Caroline knows what she wants, to get better, to eat more, and to have a family.

Simple.

Except it wasn't, except nothing was.

I throw myself back and bury my head into my pillow and scream.

"What is it, what's wrong?" Someone demands and I peer out to see Vivian kneeling by my head.

"Where's Rebekkah?" I whisper.

"Its Nurse Mikaelson day off."

"Where's Blaine?"

"Mr Andersons to, so you're just going to have to tell me what the matter is."

My eyes glaze over and everything's a blur, I refuse to blind and refocus.

"I'm fine." I breathe and close my eyes.

"No dear, you're not" she says softly and I feel her hand on my hair, "but you must believe you will be." I hear her get up and leave.

"I want to take off the top of my head, lift everything out. Iron out what's crumpled, throw away what's ruined and re-organise." I say quietly.

I wish someone was there to hear.

**

I'm still in bed when Caroline comes back, my back to the room. I pretend I'm asleep when she says my name. The bed shifts slightly and I feel her body press through the covers to my back, her cold hand covers mine."What happened?" she asks gently.

"I just… I'm angry at myself."

"Why?"

I don't know how to explain.

"Niamh, don't over think it, it's really that easy, just tell me."

My breathing shudders, "I don't know myself anymore, I don't know what I want or who I am or what I want to be. I don't think I can be anything. The exercise was to draw what we want most and I drew something that logically isn't possible to have but I believed it was, I had to remind myself it's unattainable. I'm so stupid."

"I think we're all here to find ourselves again" she replies softly, "And I don't think wanting anything is stupid, everyone wants what they want, it doesn't matter if we can get it or not."

She doesn't make me get up, or leave me or ask more questions. She doesn't get impatient or leave me. We lie there for a while as I become less lonely and more content. I think about the last person who was on my bed and sigh heavily. What was I doing…

"How was your session?" I murmur.

She hums, "It was okay, we talked about Saturday."

"Does it makes you nervous?"

"A little bit."

No, it wasn't simple at all.

"You promise?" Caroline demands pouting.

I roll my eyes, "Yes, I'll come down in a minute."

"You better." She mutters as I light up. She scrunches up her nose at it.

"Don't say a word." I say thickly as I exhale.

"Whatever" she sings, spinning on her heel and opening the door in the process, she nearly collides with Moria.

She apologies and Moria ignores her coming into the room, what now.

"This was left for you" she tells me handing over a little bag.

"From who?" I ask.

"Haven't the faintest idea, we've checked it over and have no reason to not pass it on." She says folding her hands on her stomach. Caroline looks excited and she bounces down beside me as she leaves.

"What is it!" she demands impatiently.

Well it's not from my mom anyways, it's not extravagant enough to let everyone know how considerate she is.

I peel back the cellotaped opening and tip it out on the bed. A block shaped thing falls out on my bed with earphones toppling out after it.

"A walkman" I mutter picking it up, "there's a tape in it."

I press the little play button and hold the earphones in between us. Caroline leans in eagerly. The music begins to pulse through and Caroline begins bumping her shoulders from side to side. I smile in recognition and feel warmth spread through me.

Oh yeah, I'll tell you something, I think you'll understand, When I say that something, I wanna hold your hand…

Caroline giggles happily at the music

And when I touch you I feel happy inside.

When the music stops Caroline presses pause on the walkman before the next song starts. I'm frozen, smiling down at it.

"Why are you red?" She asks laughing, knowing too well.

"Shut up" I mutter and briefly worry I've got it wrong.

"There's a note" she gasps, lifting the little bit of paper out of the bag. Before I can stop her she's reading it aloud, "'I hope this is a comfort, look after it, it's on loan.' smiley face."

She grins up at me her blue eyes shining in the know, "This is so romantic!"

"Caroline shut up." I hush.

"Oh c'mon! Don't play dumb, we both know who its from."

"It could be from my mom… or Jesse" I lie.

She frowns, "Who's Jesse?"

"A friend" I murmur tracing the walkman with my finger tips. The earphones are red and I remember the day in the washroom when Blaine fell wearing them."I wish a boy would buy me something nice." She mumbles and I look up to find her looking crestfallen.

"Oh come on, we both know you're going to have mankind chasing you when you get out of here." I say nudging her shoulder, "There will be tears and wars over taking the place as your husband."

She snorts and shakes her head.

"Are you two coming?" A girl who I don't know the name of asks from the doorway, "Its just some of us want the sofa to!"

"Yes were coming!" Caroline replies bouncing up and skipping to the door, "Dorothy's waiting!" she shouts over her shoulder me.

She had so much energy these days…

I grin back down at the walkman and hold it like its precious. I allow myself to believe the best possibility. I allow myself to believe it's from Blaine. I put it under my pillow for safe keeping, anxious to leave it and decide to actually get to the TV room before Caroline through a hissy fit but someone was in the doorway again.

"Must be nice having everyone's attention." Hayden guesses. Her voice is even, like the eye of the storm.

"What?" I say defensively and she nods toward my pillow.

"So who sent you that? Was it the visitor?" she wonders stepping in the room and I take a step back, "Did Tate pull some strings? Gets you whatever you want"

She's sneering at me and she's seems more unstable than I've ever seen her. Her eyes are bottomless and ringed thick black; her arms are limp by her side. She was like poised snake, still before striking.

"I don't know what you mean Hayden."

I haven't even finished the sentence when she's screaming at me, "WHAT MAKES YOU SO GODDAMN SPECIAL!"

I'm knocked back onto my bed with her hands wrapped around my neck.

"Hayden!" I choke as she shakes me. Then she's nose to nose with me, her fingers pressing into my throat so it gets smaller and harder to breathe, my eyes water over as oxygen makes a wheezing noise travelling through my windpipe.

"People like you make me sick" she hisses. "You're a fucking victim that lives up to it!"

I can hear other people yelling and filing into the room but I need to get her off, I dig my nails desperately into her hands, "And you know what I hate about victims? More than anything? They get whatever they want when they don't deserve it!"

There's more shaking as people try to lift her and then we tumble off the bed. I push my knee into her stomach. She lets go and quickly they pull her away. I crawl backwards choking and spluttering until I'm under Caroline's vanity and my head hits the wall. I see scrabbling white clad trousers and Hayden's' legs kicking as she screams for them to get off her.

"YOU'RE ALL WEAK FUCKING PEOPLE! YOU'RE ALL WEAK AND PATHETIC!"

My cheeks pressed to the cold lino as my eyes water over and I curl up trying to get a grip. Hayden continues to scream and scream and I close my eyes wishing it would all stop.

"Niamh come out from under there, please."

I think it's Moira but I don't want Moria. I don't want her here.

"What happened?" Caroline demands, her sweet voice scared, "Niamh? Niamh!" She's closer and I peek through my eyelashes to see her on the floor, lying down mirroring me, "Stop saying that" she whispers.

"Saying what?" I stutter confused.

"She needs to come out from under there." A male voice says impatiently.

Caroline holds her hand out to me, "C'mon."

My hands shaking so much that Caroline has to extend her arm further. They make me sit down on the bed and sit up straight and hold my arms down as someone examines my throat.

"Are you okay dear?" Moira asks calmly after they're done poking.

I nod unable to speak. Caroline stands behind her looking worried.

"You don't have to worry about her now, your safe okay?"

I nod.

"Do you need anything dear?", I shake my head and she pats my knee, "Come up to the TV room when you feel calm."

As fucking if.

I manage to snort at that and wrap my arms around myself. Caroline sits down beside me and wraps her arm around me as Moira leaves.

I hear her say something Dr. Harmon and padding.

What the fuck just happened.

"She shouldn't be on this ward." Caroline says bitterly.

"I don't know what happened" I say but as soon as it's out of my mouth I know it's a lie. It has something to do with Tate, it has something to do with me having Tate's attention.

"Let's go watch the movie." I say feeling a prickle run over my skin.

"What? Are you are sure? Don't you want to talk or calm…"

I'm on my feet, "No c'mon, we were looking forward to it."

"Niamh your shaking."

"I'm fine."

**

I can't sleep, my foots twitching like crazy. Caroline's snoring softly, it took her longer than usual to fall asleep, still worried. Walking back to our room earlier I asked her what she asked me to stop saying when I was under the vanity.

"You were saying 'Blaine' and 'Rebekkah' but mostly Blaine." She says quietly with a small smile.

I don't like the room being dark. I don't like it. I get up and open the door to the ward, it's quiet and as dark as my room, except for the lights falling out of the nurses station. I hear distinct but hushed laughter from whoever's on duty. I move quickly on my tip toes to Violets room and knock gently on her door before slipping inside. Her lamp clicks on as she look up at me in surprise.

"What are doing?" she mumbles.

"Why didn't yous come get me last night?" I ask.

She makes an annoyed noise and rubs her eyes, "Hayden told us not to."

"Why."

She shrugs, "I know better to ask Hayden things."

"Tate came to my room" I tell her quietly and hold out my carton to her. She raises her eyebrows before taking one and I sit on the edge of her bed.

"You've got bruises" she comments exhaling, "he won't like that."

I don't think anyone has much of an opinion on bruises so I don't know why she thinks that. Then again, Tate's not in the spectrum of normal…

"You haven't a clue." Violet muses.

"What?"

She sits up better and crosses her legs. She has a lot books stacked by her bed, I don't recognise any of them.

"When we were coming back up last night" she explains, "Tate popped out of the dark and asked Hayden the same thing, why had she lied to him. I didn't want to be there, the most volatile people in this place about to clash. So me and Damon left them to it…but I'm pretty sure I heard him hit her."

I blink, "What?"

"You need to expand your vocabulary" she says dully.

That red mark on her face…her lashing out. She really idolises Tate and for him to strike her… or be disappointed in her because of me, someone she remotely didn't like…

"I'm going to bed." I say making for the door.

"If I were you" Violet says quietly, "I'd tell the people in here what's going on, so they're both put as far away from you as possible."

"Why don't you?"

She stubs out her cig on a skull figurine, "It not me in the middle."

"Thanks Violet." I snap feeling like I was at the bottom of a deep hole and the top was pinprick above me.

I wanted to tell Rebekkah but that would mean actually confessing, it would mean wiping out any progress I'd made, or they'd thought I'd made. It would mean Caroline would find out what I was really like and then so would Blaine.

And I really couldn't think of anything worse than Blaine thinking of me as fucked up slut. It was bad enough knowing it myself.

I crawl into bed and take the pills I was stubborn enough to tongue. I wish I had a drink.

**

Caroline's bouncing on my bed. Although I've had more sleep than previous nights I still feel like shit.

"Get up sleepy head, there's a surprise for you!"

"It's always been a nightmare trying to get her out of bed." A gentle, feminine voice chirps.

I sit bolt up, nearly head butting my roomate. My mom's standing in the middle of our room in a lavender wrap dress. I must be dreaming. There are bags at her feet with designer logo's and a wicker basket.

"What the fuck" I breathe and she tuts.

"Language" she chastises and Caroline purses her lips embarrassed. Of course she's dressed already.

"Your moms brought a picnic." My friend says in her bright, cheery, 'I think the best of everyone' manner

"Finally remember the date?" I mutter.

"I know perfectly well what date it is young lady. When you're dressed and feeling more civilised I'll explain why I'm late to the party."

I suppose that was meant to be smart.

"We get to have breakfast on the grass" Caroline says beaming and then assess my expression, "It's okay I'm joining right? Your mom asked…"

"Don't be silly darling, of course it is. Why don't you show me the lawn and we'll set up why Niamh makes herself presentable."

"Okay" Caroline agrees sliding off my bed. My mom lifts the wicker basket and one of the other bags, setting it down in front of me.

"It'll hide the bruising" she murmurs softly and reaches out to cup my face in the way that makes me feel guilty.

I take my time in the washroom, Rebekkah's still not here, no sign of Blaine. The bruise on my arms almost faded so I don't try to hide it from the nurse on duty. I'm past actually caring about orderlys, they couldn't keep a psychotic bitch from trying to strangle me and I didn't want to give my mom something to comment on. I was also hoping Blaine would be one of the escorts into town tomorrow…

"You asked for this" one of the nurses says holding out a razor. I take it and roll my eyes as she pulls a chair over to sit outside my shower cubicle.

I sigh, fucking crazy people.

Later I find Caroline and my mom on near the oak tree on our old picnic blanket. At least she hasn't thrown it away. I smile as I flop down onto it.

"Ah there you are, beginning to think you'd gotten lost." My mom smiles lifting a bowl of fruit and dolloping a spoonful of yogurt onto it.

"It's really good" Caroline beams as my mom hands it to me.

"The scarf suits you." She says softly and I force my usual smile when I'm around her.

Her and Caroline fit together as the chit chat about designers and places and sushi and I feel a part of the furniture as I chew my breakfast.

"It's the same in Mexico, the beaches are like powder" I hear my mom say and I turn back to the conversation.

"When were you in Mexico?" I ask.

She smoothes down her skirt and lifts up her cup and saucer, "Emma thought it would nice to arrange a little trip for us girls, she knew what kind of pressure I'd been under and I really had no idea about it…"

"When mom" I snap.

She purses her lips.

I look down at my Dads picnic blanket, the one he bought when we he woke me up one morning and decided to take an adventure, "You were in Mexico, when I was stuck in here."

"I came straight from the airport." She defends.

"You were in Mexico when some crazy bitch tried to strangle me!"

"Language!" she snaps setting down her cup with a clatter, "I am your mother and you will not speak to me like that, not everything is about you! This situation doesn't just effect you, its been hard for me to!"

"Oh I'm sorry, did the 'girls' not give you as much sympathy as you expected?"

She pinches the bridge of her nose and bows her head, fucking drama queen.

Caroline's frozen with wide eyes, her cup in mid air, looking from me to her.

"I tried to do something nice for you." My mom says in a small voice, sitting up and covering her mouth. She shakes back her hair and blinks rapidly so she doesn't cry.

I fucking hate her. I hate her because I feel disgusting and worthless and it's always her, always her that does this to me.

I grit my teeth, "Sorry mom."

She waves my apology away.

A cold sensation runs down my spine and I look over my shoulder, Tate's standing at that window again.

Would he ever hit me?

I turn back quickly and reach for my mom's hand, she jumps like I've struck her.

"I'm sorry."

She shakes her head and finally smiles.

"So going out tomorrow should be fun." Caroline chirps up.

"Yes, I suppose you girls will want to shop." My mom adds and I shrug with that fake smile plastered on my face.

"I'm not sure we'll be allowed…" Caroline trails off.

"I'll leave a little something with Dr. Mikaelson, so you can both get something nice."

Throwing money around.

Caroline looks taken back, "You don't have to, I mean..."

"My treat." My mom smiles and its evident she's won Caroline over. I itch to tell my mom she can't just throw money at things to get her way, we might not even be going near that part of town, and it especially annoyed me that she thought she had the kind of influence to dictate what we'll get to do tomorrow. Like she was such good buddies with Dr. Klaus but I swallow my annoyance.

Caroline excuses herself so she can go to the restroom, so it's only the two of us and the awkwardness is evident.

"Lovely day." She says and I nod.

"I always liked those shorts on you." She compliments and I thank her.

"Did you have a look in any of the other bags?"

I shake my head sheepishly but she doesn't look offended, I don't know how but it makes me feel worse.

"Well I brought you the most beautiful shawl from Cancun and shorts like those in orange."

"Thanks mom."

"I like Caroline."

"Me too."

"Poor thing."

"She's gotten better… she got taken off our ward for a while."

"You never told me that."

I shrug because I honestly don't remember what we've talked about in our phonecalls, I don't think I've talked much at all.

"How are you darling, really?"

I look play with a fray in the carpet and suddenly the sun is too hot.

"I want to get better mom." I say quietly.

"I know this partially my fault." She says quietly and when I look up she looks genuinely upset, she's not hiding behind a hat or her hand. It's unnerving, "We haven't been close, we never talked, after your father died…"

She needs to stop, "Its fine mom. Its fine."

She reaches out and this time I flinch but she caresses my cheek, "I almost lost you that day too and I nearly lost you again."

I cover her hand and gently take it away, holding it between us, "Just give me time…"

She nods, "I think I should be going now. I have to go speak to Dr. Mikaelson about keeping that wretched girl away from you."

I blink in surprise at the venom in her voice.

"Can I keep this here?" I ask holding the blanket as she packs the things away.

She looks down at it, "Of course."

"AW are you going?" Caroline cries appearing with Violet. Seeing them side by side is like comparing the sun and the night.

My mom says goodbye to Caroline who throws her arms around her, and then to Violet who doesn't speak and I walk her back to the ward. She gives me an awkward hug and then leaves.

I let out the breath I felt I'd been holding in the entire morning. I collect the walkman from my bed and go back to my friend. We spend the rest of the day swapping the walkman between us and sunbathing, Violet snorts when we offer it to her, It makes me want throw it at her head.

There are literally hundreds and hundreds of rows of ice-cream. How they fit in here I don't know. Blaine's holding my hand and waiting patiently.

"I'm sorry" I moan

"It's okay, take your time."

"There's just so many…"

I hear him chuckle but when I look up, it not him. Weird. I look back to the choices when he brushes my hair but it's not him, he's holding my hand and holding his wallet with the other…

"What wrong?" he asks.

"Do you often talk in you sleep?" someone's cool breath fans my cheek and I blearily open my eyes.

I'm staring at Tate. I nearly fall of the bed and he grins. Caroline's sound asleep and I shove his chest roughly so the smirk on his face falls away. I remember he hit Hayden.

"I didn't mean to make you angry" he defends.

I shrink back down onto my mattress, "I know, sorry."

He climbs over me and silently holds out his hand, I take it and put on my tennis shoes. Violets waiting outside, she stares at our intertwined hands. I shrink further into Tate's side when we get to that corridor, I don't like it. He seems pleased though. There's only me and Violet from our ward tonight, Tate doesn't ask about Hayden and I wonder why. There are other girls down here, I don't want to know any of them, I want to be in bed. We end up on the same blanket, already occupied by the guy with bright blue eyes.

"Hello" he greets, his blue eyes clear cut like sapphires. Why were beautiful men fucking mental? I grin suddenly shy and Tate's arm tightens around my waist. It almost hurts.

"Damon this is Niamh, Niamh Damon." Tate introduces as Violet deals cards.

"I know." Damon says smirking, eyes never leaving me.

"Niamh's currently undiagnosed and Damon's a sex addict." Tate adds, trying to break whatever weird connection was flowing between us. I didn't know you could be addicted to sex? Well not in the terms of being committed… or did that loosely mean rapist.

"I like mysteries." He smirks at me, bluntly flirting. I glance up at Tate to see him glaring, Damon takes no notice.

Tate unwinds his arm and takes his hand, shifting closer to Violet.

"Where's Hayden?" Damon asks throwing down a card.

Nobody speaks. He looks up at us all in turn.

"She wasn't in her room" Tate says throwing down his card. I don't know what we're playing so just throw anything.

"She's in the padded cell in the next corridor" Violet divulges.

"What did she do? Finally aim the furniture at someone?"

Violet peers up at me through her curtain of hair, turning everyone's attention to me.

"She tried to strangle me."

"Jesus Christ." Damon exclaims scrunching up is face. I liked he was so concerned.

A shiver passes down my spine and I turn to my right to see Tate staring at me, eyes black and boring holes into my skin. I wilt under that look and an image of him striking Hayden flashes in my head. I flinch when he lifts his hand, he pretends not to notice, and he tugs at my new scarf. His face is blank mask as his thumb brushes a tender spot, reflexively I want to cough.

"Why'd she do that?" Damon murmurs.

I shrug.

"Jealousy." Violet answers and I wish she'd shut up and learn to speak when it was necessary.

"This is my fault." Tate states.

I don't say anything.

"I doubt it, with Hayden it'll be something completely unfathomable. Like someone laughed at your joke."

"Niamhs not that funny." Violets murmurs, lips twitching, and Damon rolls his eyes. I don't think it's funny, "At least you have our trip tomorrow to cheer you up."

"What trip?" Tate demands instantly throwing down a card.

"Into town to get ice-cream." I answer throwing down a card and avoiding his eyes. They were magnetic though, lulling me to them.

"You girls and your special treatment." Damon says silkily and I smile at him.

"You didn't tell me that." Tate murmurs.

"Only get a birthday once a year." Violet interjects again.

"Its your birthday?" Damon questions with a small smile, he was really quite alluring.

"Was. Two days ago."

"You didn't tell me that either." Tate repeat, his voice flatter. He was annoyed; I give him a apologetic look. I feel like I'm about to have my head held under water.

I jump as Damon lifts my hand and kisses my knuckles, "Happy Birthday."

"Hayden's not the only person capable of strangling someone" Tate says smoothly. Panic seizes up in my chest as he glares at Damon.

Damon laughs him off and I wonder if he's plain stupid or knows something we don't.

"So who's escorting this little trip?" Tate asks flatly.

"Uh, Rebekkah, Vivian, I'm not sure who else" I answer quietly, I didn't want him angry.

"Blaine and Mike." Violet adds and my heart flips for numerous reasons, "I saw the rota."

"I see." Tate murmurs. It's silent for a moment before he throws down his cards and stands up in a fluid movement. Before I can ask him where he's going he's striding to the other side of the room towards other guys.

"Between me and you Vi," Damon declares, "Cuz no offence Niamh but you can't play."

I shrug not objecting and glance over at Tate, he seems to be demanding something off someone.

"Now he's jealous." Damon quips glancing up from the game.

"There's nothing to be jealous of." Nothing he knows about anyway.

"What's Tates is Tates. No one else gets a share." He smirks and I feel something flutter in my stomach. There was an underlining hint of rising to a challenge in his voice.

Violet curses as he beats her. She disappears to bum a smoke off someone.

"I hope you know what you're getting into." He says considerately, "Or rather, have gotten into."

"No, not really. I think I skipped the terms in conditions…"

"Then get out before shit gets too deep." That sounded simple, the second time someone had advised that in 24hrs…so why didn't it sink in, "Not everyones simple to read." He says and slyly pulls out a metal case holding his cigarettes. Seems Violet didn't only irritate me.

"Like you, you mean?" I retort taking one.

"I love sex, I love to fuck and I don't think that'll ever change." He says simply, "What's easier than that?"

"Um, the means you'll go to do that?" I reply quietly.

He snorts, "I'm not a rapist, just very religious parents."

"Oh." I smile relived. I look over my shoulder for Tate but he's not around. What the fuck?

"He tends to do that…disappear." Damon murmurs.

I didn't even want to be down here and now he'd fucking left me, Bastard. It seems Violet had taken advantage of not having a host either; it seems she'd left to.

"I'm going back to the ward." I decide standing up, "Thanks for bumming me one."

He stands up, "No big deal, and I'll walk you…if you want?"

I nod gratefully; the passage was still fucking scary. The connection between us fizzles, letting us know there's something there that could be ignited. Maybe I was just frustrated and what's more convenient than walking beside a sex addict?

We've just reached the mouth of the passage when…

"Where are you going?" It's not loud but its menacing all the same. We both turn to see Tate standing behind us.

"I was walking the lady back to her room, seeing her date vanished." Damon says simply, he was the only person I'd seen be blunt with Tate. I certainly couldn't.

"This isn't funny." He says through his teeth, I can feel the irritation burning off him.

"Whatever man." Damon shrugs, "Night Niamh, see you some other time…" I hope I'm the only person that hears the hint in his voice, and if I am its endangered by him leaning in and placing a soft kiss on my cheek. I like him. He was easy to understand.

Damon walks past Tate's glare with a smirk and then I'm alone with him in the passage I don't like.

"What are you doing?" he demands.

"Going to bed" I say bravely, "I don't want to be sleep deprived when I go out tomorrow."

He stares at me, "I don't want you to go."

"What?"

"You heard me."

Are you kidding me?

"Too bad." I snap, turning on my heel.

He grabs my upper arm and fear explodes through my chest, "Let go Tate!" I demand in a panic. My backs put against the wall as I struggle against his grip and he refuses to let go.

"What's the matter with you?" he asks sounding worried, "Why are you fighting me?"

I stop and let my head fall back, "Why did you hit Hayden?"

He face blanks and his grip lessens.

"Why did you hit her?"

"Because she deserved it."

The little shred of disbelief burns out.

I try to dart past him but he doesn't allow it, "Calm down. Please. Calm down."

"Or what? You're going to hit me to?" I blurt out and he stills again.

"I would never hurt you" he says sounding wounded, "I would never..." he takes my face in his hands, "You have to believe me."

I don't say anything.

"I want to go Tate." I plead. He hesitates before stepping back and dropping his hand to his side, his black eyes look like a sheet of black water, ready to reflect moonlight but instead they reflect anguish.

"If that's what you want…" he says quietly.

I shuffle a little bit down the wall, thinking he's going to reach me for me again but he doesn't and so I break out into a run. I'm half way there when I hear him let out an tormented cry from behind me, it makes me scream and I run faster.

I try to steady myself in the art room but I can't get my fear under control, the adrenalines dissolving and leaving behind the blunt fear. I dart into our room and tug on Caroline's covers. She stirs as I climb in beside her.

"Niamh?" she asks confused, voice thick with sleep.

I don't respond.

"Are you okay? What happened."

When nothing but silence answers her she sighs heavily.

"What are you keeping from me."

***

OKAY, RIGHT, I KNOW THIS IS LONG, BELIEVE ME I KNOW. It is 05:37 and I am ready to fall into a grave and sleep forever. No proof reading. No copyright intended. Own no character apart from Niamh and Damons little cameo was on request.

Im sorry if this chapter dragged on but it all felt necessary…and then again not.. its wasn't supposed to go like that, curve balled.. And I was under a bit of pressure.

Review, read, be revolted whatever. GOODNIGHT xox