After my short breakfast with Nick I had decided that maybe human connections weren't all that horrible. True, being in the company of another guy not Dean made me uncomfortable but it wasn't so awful. He could tell how awkward I felt and he made me feel better by making me laugh and commenting on it and in the end he promised he his best friend's girlfriend was shopping for a new friend and I seemed like the perfect canidate. Even if I never wanted to hang out with Nick he would give this Gina my number in case I wanted to hang. All in all, hanging with Dr. Nick wasn't a complete bust and it made me a little more optimistic for my adventure waiting for me at hime.
When I was back at home I quickly made sure to resalt the doors and windows, lock every entry-way and set the codes back up again. I walked to the only empty room in the house and looked at it through the door way. It was meant to be some kind of...maybe studio or library kind of place but instead Dean made it into the "Devil's Trap" room. Mainly because...it had a huge devil's trap on the floor. He always told me to cover it up but there was nothing I could imagine that would cover that huge and gaudy thing. Maybe...a nursery. But no. That was stupid thinking. My new distraction would do the trick.
I took out the big map of the United States and worked klumisly to tape it against the wall. The thing was huge and just when one corner was up and I was working on the other it would all fall down on top of me. It was so bad I resorted to the nail gun for the task my scrawny tape couldn't handle. Once the map was up I used it was a guide and placed the individual maps of the states in the same sequence they're in on the globe. I even skewed it this way and that so it looked more and more like the large map on the wall.
It took a lot of work but when I was finished I stepped back with pleasure. It covered the devil's trap completely. I gave myself a little pat on the back but the little motion suddenly stirred a new pain in my stomach that wasn't really familiar to me-hunger. I allowed myself to smile, I knew this would be a good idea.
I walked to the kitchen and wondered what I should eat. I hadn't gone extensive food shopping in a few weeks but in reality I wasn't in the mood for anything heavy to eat. I just needed something to munch on until I went back to work. I glanced over my fruit bowl and grinned once I saw the ripe banana, that would be perfect. I took a seat and began to unpeal it, vaguely wondering what Dean would say if he saw me eating it.
But that was a bad idea.
Without the distraction of activity my thoughts went back to the place I didn't want to go. And there was no way I could stop it.
"Let her go!"
Was the only understandable thing I managed to make out before the blackness washed over me like a sickness. I had been positive I was dead, I was positive it was the end for me and some part of that brought me happiness. The fact that I would no longer feel pain or misery was a kind of thrilling experience. But death wasn't there to great me...not this time.
I awoke to the feeling of my body throbbing in a uniform sense of hurt that couldn't be distinguished in parts or pieces. I opened my eyes, sure I was in some kind of torture chamber, but it was Dean's frightened face that met me. I was in his arms, in the back of the Impala, as John sat in the front driving as fast as he could. Once I registered we were in motion a sick feeling washed over me and I felt like I was on fire and I was going to spit the fire out from my lungs.
"Shh, don't move, Lori."
It was Dean. I hadn't even known he saw my eyes open but there he was with his green eyes on mine, filled with so much I could never really understand. He pushed a few pieces of hair out of my face and held me tighter but a groan escaped my lips that signaled it was too tight, for right now. He instantly understood and loosened his old but still there was no release, I felt like I was going to explode.
"Dean," I tried to alert but the act of talking sent a bristle of spikes throughout my body that made speech impossible.
He must have seen it because instead of allowing me to continued he placed his finger on my lips and whispered, "Shh, don't speak...Just..rest. Just rest, Lori."
But rest was impossible with every sudden stop and quick turn and Dean's tightening grip. It was torture, worse than the death I thought would face me in the hands of Steven. I tried to think of anything to ease the pain-I could be dead, I thought to myself, this could be it-but no thought gave me comfort. There was nothing..but Dean's face. It was tough and serious as if it had never seen a smile, as if our useless chatter, awkward silence, and foolish smirks had never happened. It was like a completely different Dean in front of me. I thought...no...I thought I saw a tear.
The car suddenly came to a stop that forced a cry from my lungs because something got poked and something else got pinched and I was not in the best mood for that kind of entrance. The back door opened and before I could watch the tear fall I was in the air, against Dean, and I thought for a second maybe I would never get a chance to leave those arms and that wasn't such a bad idea.
I realized at once where we were; we stood in front of Dr. Walcott's office.
Outside stood Tamara with a wheel chair but I was being rushed past her and inside the building where John held open the elevator. I thought of being trapped inside that enclosed space filled with a terror that I couldn't face, so I didn't. I turned my face into Dean's chest and counted out the six breaths, timed against Dean's always steady heart. I wondered briefly if Tamara thought my guys were rude and that brought a little smile to my face. But there wasn't any time for smiles now.
We went straight into the office where the lights were too bright the pain had grown unbearable. I tried the trick of steadying myself against Dean's heart but suddenly it wasn't so calm anymore and I felt like a confused puppy going to get put down. As soon as the analogy came to mind it was as if someone pressed fastforward and everything began to move too fast for me to focus. Suddenly I wasn't in Dean's arms anymore and I was cold and I was in dark and I was in freezing and I thought I was going to die there. Without even saying goodbye.
Sure, everything stopped hurting like my body was turned off but my mind wasn't. My mind was alive and kicking all I could think was damn...I didn't even say goodbye to Dean. All I wanted to do was to say thank you, a real thank you for saving me and trying to save me and for making me laugh when laughter was never really apart of my life. I wanted to thank John for being the father figure I never really had but damn it I just wanted to see Dean again. I wanted to kiss him, not just be kissed, but kiss him for the first time. Even if he didn't like me. I just wanted to get that crossed off my bucket list before it was time to kick the bucket. But then I thought, people in hell want ice water. At least I had a dramatic exit.
Or did I.
The sound of laughter filled my ears that engorged me with a rage because I knew, somehow, that it was at my expense. I opened my eyes slowly but everything was still too dark and still too bright and I couldn't really focus unless I blinked over and over again, which I did. Once everything stilled I realized I was in one of Dr. Walcott's over night rooms with an IV hooked into my arm pumping in some kind of medicine that was making me feel a whole lot better. But then the thought hit me again. I was in Dr. Walcott's over night room, a place I hadn't been in a long time.
A cough got my attention and I saw that beside me was none other than Dean Winchester with a soft blush and a wide smirk. How did I not know it was him laughing? I looked past him and to my surprise saw John leaning against the door frame with the same smirk, almost identical actually, but a different kind of laugh. I was just about to rip into them when Dean's voice filled the air.
"Dad..." was the only word that left his mouth but like a soldier or a kid taking orders John instantly ducked out of the room as if he had never been there. I tried sitting up but Dean's arms where there to help me, "Not so fast.."
"What happened?" I snapped, knowing alreadt that something terribly embarrasing had occured while I wasn't myself and he was laughing at my weakness and worst of all John was too.
He sat back down in his chair and began to mock, "'All I want is to say goodbye...To see Dean. To kiss Dean. To tell Dean I love hi-,'"
"Lying asshole!" I shouted, hitting him with the air not connected to the IV. I grumbled under my breath and folded my arms over my chest as I looked away angrily. How in the world did that slip out! I must have been sleep talking, I thought, but I never sleep talk. And regardless! How rude was it for him to throw it in my face as if it were a joke...But then...to him it must have been a joke. A poor sick girl wanting to kiss him, it must be all in a days work. Nothing special. What had I been thinking?
"Lori..," Dean's voice was soft and urgent but I had made my mind to not look at him and to ignore anything he said. But then...his hands, rough and carved with new etches, touched mine and coaxed them out of their locked position. I turned my head toward him, still not letting go of my bottom lip although I was blushing-especially when I saw him doing the same, "You know...I'm used to getting attention from girls, all over the place. Girls just fling themselves at me, I mean, you know how look!..And these girls aren't ugly...they're all hot...I mean look at you! And it happens all th-"
"Is there a point?" I asked through gritted teeth, suddenly finding it unbearable to listen to all his accomplishments, especially when I knew I was going to be one of them.
His face got all red again and he held my hands a little tighter in them as his eyes refused to meet mine, "Yeah...the point is...I've never met anyone like you...anyone that..has captivated me to the point that after a day and like a half of talkin' and not even touching, not even being physical, I still want more. You know? I saw you there through that windshield and I thought..if you died..if that was the end of you...I wouldn't know what to do. I'd just lose it. You're not like the other girls, Lori, and I'm not like the other Dean. I'm different around you. You make me want to be better than I am, you make me want to be a hero-"
"But you are a hero," I couldn't help but to inturrupt with watering eyes.
He gave me this smile, this smile that was timeless and yet misplaced and beautiful and uglied with hurt, as he rested his hand against my cheek, "Only to you. Lori...I-"
"I see you're awake."
Of course.
Like little children we pulled away again in the presense of Dr. Walcott. He entered the room as if he hadn't just noticed that DEAN WAS GOING TO KISS ME! But Dr. Walcott was older with an old school heart and attitude that didn't really care for the things he was interupting as long as people were getting treated and lives were getting saved. It also seemed to me that he didn't really like Dean that much, he had said he looked to me as a daughter.
"Yeah, I'm awake," was the only thing I could manage to say since my face was as red as firetruck and all the wit had been shot out of me and into Dean's one hand left holding mine.
"That's wonderful to hear. Since you haven't able to take your medicine I've had you on an extra dosage for the past four da-"
"Four days?!" I couldn't help but to scream.
Dean shot Dr. Walcott an annoyed look but John was suddenly in the room to pacify the situation with a calm, "She had to know."
"Yes, Lori, it's been four days. You were seriously injured. You've suffered a mild concussion but you know in your state any trauma to the brain can yield fatal results. Thankfully we cleared that hurtle and you scatted by with a sprained ankle and a few bruised ribs but we're not out of the woods yet. The extra dosage I've been giving you have been treating your symptoms but it appears you've already built up an ammunity to it. I'm still trying to figure out what else I can do to treat you," there it was again. That helpless, pleading look of Dr. Walcott's that told me there was no hope and I wasn't going down alone and he wasn't going down without a fight. Finally he let out a little sigh as he said, "I'm sorry about your aunt and uncle, Lori. I thought I called the guys in time."
"You called them?" I couldn't help but to ask in shock. I knew that his patients were getting haunted and slaughtered but I thought it was unbeknownst to him.
Dr. Walcott turned to John with a little half-hearted smile as he nodded then turned back to me, "We were too late with the last patient. We became aquainted then and discovered that it wasn't just cancer killing my patients. We came up with the idea to move my practice back to where it started and hope they would come in time. I'm sorry I didn't call them sooner."
"What...but...I thought you didn't find the bones. How did you get rid of him?" I asked, feeling like I missed so much with my four day coma.
This time it was John's turn to answer and stepped slightly further into the room as he did, "It doesn't just have to be bones keeping a spirit here. The Doc informed us Steven was part Native American. It clicked then that he was following the old picture Doc had in his wallet of the two of them together. Once we burned it he burned up right with it."
"Just like that?" I questioned in disbelief.
"Just like that," John repeated with a satisfied smile.
Dr. Walcott sighed heavily, a little sad, but still happy as he shook his head and mumbled, "Thank God it's over."
Yeah, thank God it's over...It's over. We're over.
The words repeated in my brain and just then everything dawned on me. The mission was over, the mission was completed, what was there left now? I turned my head to look at all of them in one shot as I asked in a voice that demanded a real answer, "What happens now?"
As if on que Doc pulled his phone out of his pocket and stepped toward the exit, "It's my wife, I have to take it."
But with the doctor gone there still was no change in the atmosphere. My question hung in the air and not even Dean's hand was on mine for comfort. I asked again, this time more forceful, "What happens now?"
John's eyes were on mine and I felt myself diminish in his authority and his law spoken in his kindest voice, "Lori. You can't come with us."
"What?" it was like he grabbed my heart and threw it in the rabbit hole. It was like the conversation with Dean never took place and to emphasis that point he stood from his seat behind me and paced away with his back to the both of us. I tried hard to keep the tears from coming out but the medicine and hurt made me weak and through gritted teeth and growled, "I have no where to go."
"We have a secure place for you to stay in Wyoming and Dr. Walcott is going to move his practice to follow you. You'll be safer there," each sentence grew closer to the end of the arguement and answered each of my protests as if they didn't exist.
"What am I supposed to do?" I asked, trying to keep the sadness and anger out of my voice but it was useless, "I have no one now."
John sighed heavily and I thought for a second that would be his weakness, but he was only taking a break before he pulled out the big guns, "It's not safe for you with us."
"Don't you think I should decide what's safe for me?" I couldn't help but to snap at an octive too loud for someone that had just saved my life, again.
"What you saw today was a glimpse of our day to day life. This case was a breeze compared to what we have faced. If you think for one second I'm going to allow you to get in the middle of a dog fight with no training, and no preperation you are dead wrong, Lori. If there was any other solution I would consider it but this is the only option," this wasn't nice John speaking. This was Sergeant Winchester barking orders as if I were just another helpless soldier that had no choice but to follow.
"I suppose there's nothing to it now, is there?" I asked bitterly, making a show of wiping my eyes so hard I was sure bruises were going to appear the next day.
John shook his head, glancing to Dean who had turned for the second, "No. We've made our decision."
"Have you now?" it came out of my mouth with every ounce of venom aimed toward Dean. He had this weak face as if it wasn't his choice and these hurt eyes that mirrored John's but I didn't care. How dare that bastard tell me all that sweet stuff and then leave me. How could be? John opened his mouth but I beat him to it, "Excuse me. But I think I need to rest."
"Lori," Dean's whisper was pleading and helpess but I didn't care. I turned my face in the opposite direction to hide the tears that were streaming down like loose dams.
I heard Dean's heavy footsteps followed by John's soft sigh, "We leave tomorrow."
And then they were gone. Leaving me to cry alone.
I threw away my banana peel once the grips of the latest memory had released. I wipped at my eyes as angrily as I had then, two years ago, because I hated those things. I wished that I could go back in time and shake myself out of my stupidity and swim in the moments when Dean and John were there, just an arm's reach away. I grabbed a glass of water and took a gulp to calm the cotton mouth that was new thing I wasn't used to. I walked to my room and grabbed the journal, turning to the first page as I walked back to my room of maps. I was back to my distractions. This was going to be much better.
