Chapter 7 – Sleepless nights, dream-bound souls

When Sam woke the next morning, it wasn't because he was naturally coming out of a blissful sleep, quite the opposite in fact. He had a hard time breathing effortlessly, as if something was putting pressure on his torso. That something turned out to be a someone, as Sam realized quickly upon forcing to push his eyelids back and taking in the scene in front of him. Dean was sprawled slightly over him, head resting on his chest, arm draped loosely over his stomach. It took Sam a couple of seconds to recall why his brother was yet again in his bed. They had watched some science channel the night before and Dean had fallen asleep half way through the documentary. Not having wanted to rob him of the few rare cases where his brother could sleep peacefully, he let him be and just turned off the TV to get back to sleep himself. His body felt a little bit sore and he had to guess they had been stuck in this position a while now. The need to stretch his limps called for attention, but Sam grounded himself upon seeing his brother's tranquil expression. For once the deep lines on his forehead, around his eyes and mouth were smooth; his whole body was free of the usual tension, which so naturally had fused into him over the span of the last ten years, or perhaps even longer than that. Carefree Dean has become an act Sam could easily see through and in his opinion not worth putting up on Dean's side. However, dealing with his inner demons or sharing them with somebody else were still two very different things. And they had both been through similar if not exactly the same repeated situations were none of them felt the courage and inner power to take some kind of reprieve the other would have surely provided. That was just not them. They were Winchesters, which was a born with prerogative to go at things the most difficult way there was. So he understood, didn't mean he encouraged it.

Dean stirred for a brief moment in his sleep, but remained in it regardless. Sam had to admit he liked waking up... not alone. Waking up to a warm body, to contact... But mainly he liked waking up next to his brother. To his scent, to his steady breathing, to the little grunts here and there. Knowing first thing in the morning that his brother was still there. That they survived yet another day together. It had an incredibly calming effect on Sam. He gently caressed Dean's back, so softly it was barely a touch. And then he allowed himself, for the first time in a long while, to feel an emotion he had long since buried deep within himself. A forbidden feeling, not to be ever mentioned.

Yes, he liked to wake up next to his brother and at the same time he hated it.

With conflicted thoughts and feelings he slowly drifted back to sleep under the uncomfortable, yet comfortable, weight of his brother.

Another two hours passed with both of them asleep, until Sam woke up to his phone buzzing. He quickly answered it, before it could disturb his brother's peaceful sleep.

"Yes?" He whispered very softly.

"So you are not dead after all, Moose," Crowley bid his greetings.

He had completely forgotten to call Crowley and confirm that they were both alive and mark free.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you."

"You should have at least updated your Facebook status to 'alive'. I've been checking every hour. Gorgeous profile picture, by the way."

"I'm not on Facebook, Crowley." Sam rolled his eyes. "Wait, are you?"

"Of course, all the kids are on Facebook nowadays. Gotta stay young, Moose."

"Who would even befriend you? No wait, just forget it. I actually don't want to know."

"Your flippy Wings for one," Crowley answered nonetheless.

"Cas? Cas is on Facebook? And is friends with you?" That forced the air out of his lungs.

"Yap," Crowley confirmed nonchalantly. "And I may or may not have added my mother under the category horrible, horrible family members. Speaking of which, she might have recently gone with the wind."

"Rowena escaped?" Sam almost jumped up upon Crowley's revelation.

Dean stirred for a moment, but after he turned his head to the other side, to Sam, he fell silent again. He was surprisingly still draped around Sam's torso which could only mean he had been sleeping very deeply for hours now. A good sign.

"It's not like I had her on a leash." Crowley replied briskly.

"Why not?" Sam shot back.

"She might be a fire-spitting, crazy, backstabbing mother-slash-whore, but she is still my mother!"

"Fine, so what now?"

"I'm just calling to inform you that she is loose. The coven will probably take care of her, but she has shown great skill in avoiding them, so be warned. Should you find her, before the coven or I do, feel free to kill her."

"Sounds like you two patched things up." Sam couldn't help the sarcasm.

"She killed my most trusted and she stole from me. Amongst the apprehended goods also the blade, by the way."

"Well, it's useless in her hands. Dean can't use it anymore either."

"We have the gods to thank for that," Crowley commented. "That is all. May you and your brother stay far away from me."

With that the line went dead.

Not a week had past and another problem had arisen for Sam and Dean. At least it wasn't an immediate threat. They didn't even know where she was or what she was planning. And considering she had more than one enemy chasing after her, she wouldn't surface that quickly for now. That left them with at least a few more days until they actually had to act on this piece of news.

Throughout the whole phone call Dean hadn't woken up. Even though Sam had kept his voice down, it was still a surprise Dean remained asleep. He was deliberating whether or not to get up. There was no way he could fall back asleep, but getting up would mean waking his brother.

His thoughts circled around that question for a while until Sam finally noticed that his brother was acting on an old habit of his.

"What-"

And now he really just wanted to push him out of the bed.

His brother was drooling on him.

Biting the curses back, lips pursed, nose cringed, eyes narrowed – bitchface on. Now he kind of felt stupid for showing even the least bit of concern, for ever having thought it was nice to wake up next to him, seeing how Dean had managed to create a pool of spit on his shirt. Leave it to his brother to even be able to mock him while he's sleeping.

He let out a deep calming breath, trying to get rid of the irritation at the same time. He had to repeat it twice for it to actually work, but eventually it did manage to wash away his annoyance. If he was going to let his brother continue (drooling) sleeping on him, he had to get himself distracted.

Reaching for the drawer next to his bed, he pulled out a long since neglected book he had been reading, before he changed his overall literature to everything regarding the Mark of Cain, and eventually soul bonding. John Adams was an interesting read and Sam had to admit that not a small part of it originated from the romantic depiction of the president and his wife's relationship. Not that he would confess that in front of Dean. With nothing to do and time to kill, he made to read the second half of the book.

Dean woke up an hour later, disoriented at first and confused that he apparently woke up from a deep slumber. Normally he didn't sleep so relaxed that even his subconscious didn't torment him with the memories of his late victims. So mostly the disorientation arouse from the fact that his headspace had been for once blissfully empty upon waking. He turned around to see his brother reading a book and was soon greeted a good morning by him.

"Morning," Dean grumbled back. He rather quickly put the pieces together as to why he was waking up with his little brother lying next to him despite his still half asleep brain. "So I fell asleep." It sounded astonished.

"You did," Sam concurred.

"It's past ten?" He asked shocked, seeing the digital clock on Sam's desk. He hadn't been able to sleep straight for more than two or three hours without waking up at some point. Now he had managed six.

"It is," Sam confirmed. He was just as happy about the realization as his brother was.

"Huh," Dean deadpanned.

"You wanna eat breakfast?" Sam stored the book away.

That's when Dean noticed the ugly stain on Sam's gray t-shirt.

"You been drooling on yourself?" He looked half appalled half amused at his little brother. "Come on, you're too old for that."

Sam returned his gaze incredulously. First open mouthed, than gaping like a fish, not knowing how to rebuke and then settled for his initial annoyed bitchface he drew the first time he saw his brother drooling on him.

"Be a little considerate here. Yours truly was sleeping next to you," Dean shook his head in exasperation. "What I have to deal with everyday..."

"What you have-" Sam finally found his voice again. "That's enough." He pulled the shirt off with one swift movement over his head and tossed it angrily at Dean's face.

"Disgusting much?!" Dean complained annoyed.

"That's what I thought!" Sam bellowed back and left to take a shower.

Despite Sam's annoyance he did make breakfast for them, deciding to take the high road here. They talked about everything and nothing at all. Nothing of substance, really. Sam informed him of Crowley's mother and even mentioned a possible hunt, but Dean dismissed it quickly, saying they needed a little bit more time off, before they returned to all the crazy that was out there.

The day passed by in a blur of having done nothing mentionable and Sam wondered how long this will continue, because neither him or Dean were able to just sit down and do nothing. Sooner or later they would have to get back on the road again. Especially now that Rowena was out there again.

He turned in later than usual, however, drifted off rather quickly once he was lying on his bed. Again he woke up with that uneasy feeling. Normally such a feeling made him jump up straight, scan his surroundings for any kind of danger and have a hand on either his gun or a knife just in case. But there was nothing threatening here in the bunker and Sam couldn't really equate that uneasiness that woke him with external threats. No, it was something else. Like the nights before it felt like he had a nightmare, only that he was sure he hadn't had one at the same time. Normally he can recall his dreams rather well. Sam thinks it's something that he has become more attuned to since his visions, even though he didn't have them anymore and that already for a long time now.

The creaking noise of Dean's bed made him surface from his inner thoughts and he realized his brother had woken up as well. Again. So last night's long rest had just been a fluke. He sighed sadly. But then again, he had only managed to sleep so well after they had watch TV together. Sam decided to try that same approach again. He quickly opened the door, turned on the television, and hopped back into bed.

"You're up again?" Dean asked, after he saw the light from Sam's slightly open door and came in to check on him. He could have sworn Sam's door had been closed when he went to bed earlier.

"Yeah, wanted to see the continuation from yesterday's documentary," Sam explained casually.

"They made a second part of this boring crap?" Dean asked incredulously.

"A five part series actually."

Dean almost keeled over hearing this. The first part had been so incredibly boring already, who on earth would make five installments about this? What was there even to say to be able to fill that amount of time? He hadn't understood jackshit the night before. Hadn't it been for Sam, explaining the different parts, he would have gotten nothing out of it. Although he had to admit the way his brother had illustrated the scientific yada yada had been close to interesting. He especially liked the time travel theory Sam had patiently outlined for him. Dean never ceased to acknowledge Sam's intelligence, but at times like these he wondered if Sam wasn't made to live another life after all. If not lawyer, maybe teacher. He would have been good at it. But all in all he was also a damn good hunter. Sad part was, however, he didn't become this good, because he wanted to. He had been forced to become this good, it was a question of survival. Dean took solace in the fact that Sam was at least okay with it now and the many lives they had saved spoke for themselves. Of course so did the lives they put in jeopardy.

"Up for another adventure into the outer space?" Sam grinned, inviting his brother to join him again.

"Man, if this was at least Star Wars," Dean groaned, but was already on his way to Sam's bed. "Scoot over, princess. And if you dare drool on me, I'm gonna smack you out of the bed."

Sam had to correct him soon about this, he didn't know how many more jabs he was willing to take.

They managed without either one of them drooling and to Sam's satisfaction Dean had had even a better night's rest than the one from before. Both of them ignored the circumstance that there had been sharing a bed to accomplish that though. They had always been rather sensitive about the question of two queens or one king. Dean was too stoic to admit how relieving it felt after finally having had a good night's rest, about shaking off the memories for just a few peaceful hours and the reason for all of it was just Sam's presence. And Sam was too glad there was finally a way to help his brother overcome his nightmares, not to mention that he himself enjoyed the sleeping arrangements a little too much. The guilt and shame alone were enough to keep his mouth shut about this and calling it out would make Dean withdraw into himself only more anyway. So they both never mentioned it out loud.

Another two nights passed in the same fashion, with Sam inviting his brother to yet another continuation of the Black Hole documentary series and with both never having slept better than in those shared nights.

"Did you wash the Impala?" Dean asked, returning from the garage.

"Yes, the other day."

"You were extra careful around the headlights?"

"Yes, Dean. Everything how you have repeatedly lectured me on."

"You know she deserves the best," he said so fondly, Sam was happy he had decided to clean her after all.

"I think you should take her out," Sam suggested. Dean hadn't left the bunker since they had been to Montana. It was time for him to find the joy of the outside world again.

"Don't mind if I do," Dean replied and told him he would leave tonight for a bar. "You wanna come along?"

Sam did. His feelings were quite clear about that and he knew to contribute this to the bond. And that was exactly why he declined coming along in the end. He had to get a better grip on this. Otherwise hunting would become nerve-wracking whenever they had to separate. He had been careful to store the books revolving around soul bonding in the depth of the bunker's library and had not taken them out so far to prevent his brother from seeing them. Once his brother was out for the night, probably trying to hook up with some girl at the bar, he would go through them again. Maybe find something he had missed.

"Suit yourself," Dean said nonchalantly.

So, turned out everything came down to adjusting. Once Dean had left, Sam had buried his nose in books somewhere in the corner of the library. The bond was apparently an evolving and growing thing, assimilating the hosts' feelings and encompassing them like a flexible layer of sorts. It would adjust depending on the person's emotions. However, it originates from core personality traits or core emotions in relation to the partner. The bond would make them rather unreceptive to changes. Engaging into soul bonding implies that the partners are close, in most cases in love with each other, which means they consequently prefer to be together. This results in one major basic common ground for the bond to manifest on. Since it is mutual, they can accept it more easily. Once used to the sensation they will get a better handle on it naturally. They adjust. The problem with him and Dean was, however, the need to be together with Dean was Sam's major trigger in creating the bond, not Dean's. He didn't want to lose his brother to the extent where he shared his soul with him. Naturally his desire to be with Dean was stronger than the other way around. Of course Sam knows Dean loves him and wants to stay together, but they had been in two completely different states of mind when the bond was established. Which explains why Sam felt so needy to be with his brother and Dean did not and perhaps also why he felt so content waking up next to him, even though it was actually his brother with nightmares and not him. However, both ended up enjoying sleeping together, which could be an appease to Sam's longing to be with his brother round the clock.

In the end Sam just plainly had to get used to the feeling and habituation would come naturally. It would just take a little bit longer for him, that was all. Probably. There weren't really that many case studies and the authors were often more philosophizing about it than have actual basis for their assumptions, since they themselves could just guess what the bond would feel like, considering they couldn't draw from personal experience.

Sam sighed. It hadn't been three hours yet since Dean had left and Sam was already yearning his company. However, understanding his feelings helped a lot. Knowing how the bond was affecting him and why made it easier to put the situation in perspective. Now it was just a question of mind over matter. And Sam was certainly not a weak willed man. He couldn't let Dean find out about the bond and if this was his major bump in the road, he could certainly deal with it.

He carefully laid back the books, concealing them in the forest of literature and tried to ignore the deep rooted feeling of missing his brother by sleeping it off. He left the door open in case his brother wanted to sleep in his bed again. Though he was sure he would never initiate that on his own accord. Sam had to find ways to subtly invite him into it. The documentaries had been a good first start, but that wouldn't work forever and besides after tonight there weren't any installments left.