"Okay," Hiccup says, adjusting the electric can opener's position on the counter one last time (he's still not sure why). "Okay. What do you think, Toothless?"
Toothless gives him a look like, I only care about the can opener when you're using it on my food. Hiccup groans and angles it slightly to the left.
"Alright, how 'bout now? This looks nice, right?"
It's a can opener, Toothless is surely saying. You're insane.
For once, Hiccup agrees with the imaginary dialogue he's given his cat. Astrid is coming over in (he checks the microwave clock) twenty minutes and he's still not done perfecting the house.
See, it'd be fine if she'd never been there before, but she had and he really wants it to look better than that time because he's still embarrassed about his house's state compared to hers. But he can't clean it up too well because she'll know it's abnormal and get suspicious of him and somehow connect the dots and realize he's crushing on her and never speak to him again and then, like, the zombie apocalypse will happen or something. It's plausible.
He really wishes she hadn't dropped in unannounced that one time.
"Okay, Toothless," he says, talking out loud like he always does when he's freaking out. "Okay, do you remember what we discussed?"
I am a cat and we discussed nothing. Great, his cat is pointing out in an imaginary conversation that their previous conversation was also imaginary. "Shut up, Toothless. I want you either out of the room or on your absolute best behavior while Astrid's here, okay?"
The look Toothless gives him is an astonishingly equal combination of good luck with that and fat chance and HA! Hiccup sighs heavily.
"I didn't want to do this, Toothless, but you leave me no choice. While Astrid is here, I want you to act absolutely… purrfect."
Either Toothless really does speak English or he infers from Hiccup's tone of voice that he's just told a bad pun – either way, he yowls and hides under the table. Hiccup laughs like a maniac.
"I mean it, Toothless, I want you to sweep her off her feet with your amazing personality! I want you to whisker away!"
Toothless sticks his head out and hisses.
"… is that your way of saying you think my jokes are hissterical?"
Toothless runs from the room at record speeds for a three-legged cat. Hiccup calls out after him, "Hey! Are you going to be good? I didn't get confurmation!"
Toothless doesn't come back. "I'll take that as 'it's pawssible'."
… … …
After another twenty minutes, the kitchen and the living room and especially his own bedroom (Toothless had kind of trashed it in his unsuppressed rage) are all sub-par at best, but Astrid rings the doorbell at five o'clock sharp and Hiccup has no choice but to let her in. He's actually kind of insulted when she doesn't even notice how moderately nice the house looks, because he'd spent hours getting it to that level of perfect imperfection. It's a difficult technique that's usually applied to hair (but not his).
"Hey, Astrid," he says, opening the door for her and glancing nervously at the stairs for signs of Toothless. It's Friday, a week and a day since they'd first started their project, and Astrid had wanted to work on it today despite having volleyball practice after school. Hiccup hadn't complained, so they'd arranged to meet up at his house afterwards because his parents are out to some fancy mayor dinner (he was supposed to go with them, but… um, eating fish with the heads still on versus hanging with Astrid? Yeah, not hard). Astrid had promised to come at five on the dot and Hiccup had (silently) promised to clean the house until then.
Astrid takes her backpack off from around her shoulders and retrieves her notebook from it as they walk towards the kitchen. They're about halfway done with their project by now, which is… bad. And good. Hiccup's definitely going to be really down about not getting to spend time with Astrid anymore (because, let's face it, she's never going to associate with him again once she has the choice not to), but he's also probably way too into her at this point and the less time he spends with her, the easier it will be to get over her when she inevitably goes back to ignoring him.
As Astrid smiles at him and sweeps her bangs out of her eyes for the third time since she's gotten there, Hiccup thinks it'll still probably be pretty hard.
"How was practice?" he asks her, poking the can opener slightly to the right as he passes it. "Did you have fun? Break anyone's nose? Or… arm? Is that good in volleyball?"
"I don't think physical injuries are really good in any team sport," Astrid says, giving him an amused look. "As they usually get the team a foul."
"Oh." Foul… isn't that just a synonym for bird? No, wait, that's fowl, foul means… like, bad, but he's not sure how it applies to sports… besides the fact that all sports are bad… "Okay, well, sounds fun. Sit down? I, uh – should I order pizza? Since you'll be staying for dinner…"
"If you want to," Astrid says. "I'm cool with whatever."
"Well, you probably just… burned a lot of calories… and pizza's easy… so… what would you like? I mean, you know, what topping?" Please don't say anchovies please don't say anchovies PLEASE don't say anchovies –
"How's pepperoni?" she suggests, and Hiccup breathes a sigh of relief. Astrid is already proving to be way better company than his cat, who somehow always convinces him to order fishy pizza without saying a single word.
"Sounds good. I can order now and we'll eat while we work?"
"Alright." Astrid puts her feet up on the kitchen table and looks for all the world like she was born to be there, and Hiccup doesn't look at her as he takes his cell phone out of his pocket and calls up Domino's (it's probably sad that he has them on speed dial). After ordering one large pepperoni pizza and returning his phone to its rightful place in the back of his jeans, Hiccup sits down next to Astrid and exhales awkwardly.
"So… should we get started?" He's not as bad at talking to her as he'd been at first, as they've now been hanging out for over a week, but it's still… hard. He's still socially challenged and Astrid's still gorgeous and his nerdiness is still fully active and so he's pretty sure he's going to be at least a little weird around her until one of those things lets up. Which he is fairly certain will not happen.
"Weren't we going to wait for the pizza? I'm pretty sure food boosts productivity by at least two hundred percent."
Hiccup decides not to comment on Astrid's obviously made up statistics. "Alright, then." Another awkward silence falls over them, in which Hiccup tries to mirror Astrid's casual position by putting his feet up on the table, until he realizes how stupid his foot looks and gives up on trying to be cool. People with missing legs are not cool, and yes, Toothless, that includes you.
"So how'd your timer zero out?" Astrid says out of nowhere, and Hiccup chokes on his own tongue even though he hadn't been doing anything with it. After hunching over the table and coughing for a while, Hiccup looks up at Astrid with watery eyes and clears his throat.
"Um. Well. I saw my soulmate."
Astrid rolls her eyes. "Wow, Hiccup, I never would've guessed. I meant where and when, stupid."
"Oh. Oh, ah, right." He really wants to talk about this stuff with Astrid – he's even considered bringing it up over their last couple of meetings – but it's… well, it's kind of painful. Kind of difficult. Astrid is the only person he knows who could possibly understand how hard his situation feels sometimes, but she's still kind of untouchable in his eyes and even though she'd probably get exactly what he goes through, she's still Astrid. And he's still Hiccup.
She's looking at him with blue eyes that are nothing if not sincere, though, so he says, "I was three. I didn't think it was really important or anything, so I… just didn't pay attention. Or care." He drops his face down against the table and lets out a muffled, "Stupid."
"Well," Astrid says quietly, "I was looking at my timer constantly for the entire week leading up to the end and I still managed to miss him, so don't feel too bad. I guess fate is fate or whatever it is that the gods always say."
"Yeah, I know," Hiccup sighs. "But at least you get to blame fate. The only person I can blame is myself for being an idiot."
"Maybe your fate was to be an idiot," Astrid suggests. "I mean, you're still carrying it out, so–"
"Hey, shut up," Hiccup tells her, despite feeling better for some strange reason. Like, all Astrid has to do is insult him and he cheers right up? He really is an idiot. "I was three."
"You don't really go a lot of places when you're three," Astrid muses. "Where'd it happen? The grocery store? A restaurant?"
"The park, actually," Hiccup says. "My mom took me there for the day and on the ride home I realized my timer was zeroed. It sucked."
"Yeah, no kidding. Which park was it, the one on Willow?"
"Is there any other park in this town?"
"Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean… it's a small town. Maybe she's not too far."
"Oh, gee, thanks, I've never considered that before." His words come out just a bit too harsh and Astrid looks just a bit too offended, so he adds, "I mean, I've looked. Just… no luck."
"I know that feeling," Astrid sighs. "I bet mine died."
"Pretty sure you'd feel that. Experienced any mind-numbing, excruciating pain over the last decade or so?"
Astrid snorts. "I've broken a few limbs, nothing major. I got pretty sick freshman year, though, maybe he died of a horrible disease."
Maybe he was in a coma after losing his leg in a fire, Hiccup thinks for some reason. Then he nearly falls off of his chair. Where had that come from? "I, uh – no, I'm sure he's fine. He's probably just older than you… you know, he was at our school showing a little sibling around."
"Maybe. What do you think happened to yours?"
"Eh, probably the same thing. Like, she was a babysitter or something. What do you think, can you see me with an older woman?"
Astrid laughs. "Uh, no. It was probably some kid there you saw, do you remember any faces?"
"I wish," Hiccup sighs. "Just hair colors. Two blonde, one brunette, one black. I think there were only four girls there, but… it was a long time ago."
"Yeah. I used to go to Willow Park, too, it was always pretty crowded. What month was it?"
"April," he says. "Almost fifteen years now." He'd given up somewhere after the ten-year point, though.
Astrid suddenly looks weird. No, she doesn't look weird, she never looks weird, she's just… got a weird look on her face. Yeah, that's it. "Willow Park," she mutters. "I used to go there all the time."
"You already said that."
"I never saw you there, though," she says, like he hadn't even spoken. "I don't think I saw you at all until kindergarten."
"Yeah, I don't think we met until then."
"But you don't remember faces," Astrid contemplates, looking completely lost her in her own musings. Hiccup still has no idea where she's going with this train of thought.
"O…kay? Meaning…?"
Astrid looks at him again. "Meaning… well, what if–"
The doorbell rings. Astrid stops talking immediately.
"That must be the pizza," Hiccup says, jumping up and pushing his chair back from the table. "Be right back?"
Astrid stares at him a little more, then nods. Hiccup leaves the room to pay for their dinner, and when he comes back Astrid has her laptop out and is staring intently at it.
"So," she says as he sits back down. "I know we decided on a step-by-step explanation of the carbon dating process, but I was actually thinking that going chronologically would be clearer in terms of–"
"Wait, hold on, what were you going to say earlier?"
"Nothing important. Now, step-by-step does make sense if we go by–"
"It sounded important."
"Well, it wasn't. The thing is, if we go chronologically that means we could change the second paragraph to the introduction and make it way stronger than it–"
"Seriously, what was it?"
"It was ridiculous," Astrid snaps, looking seriously pissed off at him for the first time ever. "Now would you stop interrupting me so that we can work on our project like we're supposed to be doing? Or do you want me to leave?"
"Um," Hiccup says, feeling way more hurt than he should, "um, okay." He knows Astrid's here solely to get a good grade in science, but… somehow he'd managed to forget it for the moment, and having it shoved back in his face by Astrid herself is like, ouch. He feels uncomfortably subdued as he types in his laptop password and silently brings up their power point.
Astrid launches into a long-winded tangent defending her argument for the use of chronological order rather than step-by-step. Hiccup still doesn't say anything.
… … …
Astrid packs up her things wordlessly around eight o'clock, and Hiccup watches her out of the corner of his eye as he saves the changes they'd made to the written portion of their assignment. He thinks about speaking several times, but he can't think of anything to say, so he stays quiet. He's on the verge of just going upstairs and waiting for her to leave when she finally says something.
"Sorry for being… you know. I just really want to finish this thing."
"I get it."
"And it's not – because I don't like talking to you, or –"
"It's cool, really. See you Monday?"
Astrid stares at him. "Actually… maybe we could meet up over the weekend?"
Hiccup falters. "Um, okay… I thought we were only going to work on weekdays?"
"I was thinking I could teach you how to drive." Hiccup thinks he hears the door to the house open and close, so his parents are probably home, but they know already Astrid is here and this is kind of a pressing matter so he ignores it.
"Uh. I thought things went terribly when we tried that."
"Well, yeah, but it was only your first time. You just need practice."
"Astrid, I sucked at that. Not that I don't want to learn from you," he adds hastily. "I'm just… not very good at it."
"You can't expect to get it right away, Hiccup, even I didn't get it right away."
"Yeah, but…" Why is he fighting this, again? Oh, right, because he doesn't want Astrid to feel like she has to teach him how to drive just to be nice. "I just… I couldn't even figure out how to… stick the thing in the other thing." He mimes putting the key in the ignition, because Astrid standing above him with a little smile on her face is rendering him incapable of mustering up the use of proper English.
"I noticed. But you got it eventually." After turning it upside down and right side up a good six times and somehow managing to not get it in until the seventh. "Do you want to meet up tomorrow or not?"
"Well…" Since she's offering… "Alright. Can you come over around lunch time?"
"Yeah, no problem. But you provide the necessities." She stares meaningfully at the pizza box on the table, and Hiccup laughs.
He's about to respond when he spots his parents in the kitchen doorway for the first time. "Oh, hey, Mom. Dad. I thought I heard you come in, how'd the dinner go?"
His parents are both silent. They look absolutely shocked, really, he hasn't seen them this bewildered since he'd told them he needed some shaving supplies for his stubble. He's confused about it for a moment until he realizes that there is a very pretty girl in the kitchen with him, looking for all the world like she not only doesn't hate him but maybe even likes him.
"Oh, uh, this is Astrid. She's my partner. On that project I told you about."
Astrid looks kind of awkward. "Hi, Mayor Haddock. Mrs. Haddock. I was actually just leaving, so…"
Neither his mom nor his dad say a thing, which Hiccup finds a little weird. Why aren't they jumping on the chance to embarrass him? Is the fact that a girl is hanging out with their son really that astonishing? He's not that bad, honestly…
"Well," Hiccup says. "I guess I'll walk you out, then, Astrid?"
"Yes. Um. Okay." She glances at his gaping parents. "You… have a good night."
"They will," Hiccup says, almost pushing her towards the entrance hallway, and lets out a relieved breath once his parents are out of sight. "Sorry, I don't usually have girls over. And by usually I mean ever."
"Well, that much is apparent. Seriously, it was like I had four heads in there or something."
"Yeah, sorry. Um… see you tomorrow, then? If you're not too freaked out by my parents."
"Nah, at least I know where you got the crazy from now." He bumps her shoulder with his own as a reprimand, and it feels… natural. Almost.
"Drive safe."
She grins at him. "I'm not you, Hiccup, I will."
He sticks his tongue out at her as she leaves, then trudges back to the kitchen to give his mom and dad a talking to. "What was that all about, guys?"
But his mom's not in the kitchen anymore – it's just his dad, whose sitting at the table with his hands folded and a serious expression on his face. Hiccup already hates this.
"Son… we need to talk."
Ah, crap.
"Actually, Dad, I was just heading up to bed so if you don't mind I think I'm going to–"
"Sit down," his dad says, in the kind of flat voice that got him the title of Stoic around town. It's commanding and mayoral and Hiccup sits down.
"Son," his dad says, the boss-voice tinged with a hint of awkwardness. "You… you're a young man now, and I'm sure you've noticed some… changes as you've aged, as well as a few… urges. Which are all perfectly natural but I think it would be best if you–"
"Dad. No." He is not getting the sex talk right now just for associating with a girl. No way. "I hit puberty two years ago, Dad, I know my voice didn't really change but it is a little bit deeper and look, I have a tiny beard, I mean it's nothing like yours and you can only see it if you squint but it's really not that–"
"Hiccup," his dad says, and Hiccup gulps because his dad only calls him by his nickname and not son when he's being really serious. At least he hasn't moved onto Hayden yet. "I… didn't think this would be a problem, because of your zeroed out timer, but clearly you've given up on finding your soulmate but I don't it's right for you to sleep with other people, I mean the gods know your mother wasn't my first and I've always regretted that and I'm sure when you find your soulmate you're really going to –"
"Dad. Stop. I don't know what you're talking about but I don't like where this is going and I really don't like hearing about all the girls you hooked up with before mom."
"Son," his dad sighs. "I understand that Astrid is… a very attractive young girl, but–"
"We're not having sex, Dad." It's… flattering that his dad thinks he could somehow convince a girl like Astrid Hofferson to sleep with him, but… no. Holy mother of all the gods no.
"Your mother and I heard your conversation, son," his dad says tiredly. Hiccup furrows his brow.
"About… me learning to drive?"
His dad winces. "Yes, okay. If that's… what you're calling it these days."
Hiccup is suddenly having an extremely difficult time keeping a straight face. He breathes in and out slowly to keep his calm, then remembers his line about putting the thing in the other thing and bursts out laughing.
"Hiccup, I know this seems like a laughing matter now, but one day–"
"Dad," Hiccup laughs. "Dad, no, she's really teaching me how to drive." He gasps for breath, then the situation hits him all over again and he breaks down for the second time.
"What do you mean?"
"Driving, Dad," he chokes out. "Driving. No sex."
"…oh." Suddenly his dad looks equal parts relieved and embarrassed. "Well. Then. Good. It's… about time you learned to drive."
"Yeah," Hiccup laughs (almost sobs). "Yeah, it's just driving. Thanks for unnecessarily scarring me for life, though."
"Yes. Well… it's about time you head off to bed, then, isn't it?"
"Dad, it's barely eight."
"Go to bed, Hiccup." Hiccup falls over more than usual on his way up the stairs because he can't see through the tears in his eyes, then collapses onto his bed and laughs some more into his pillow.
Toothless gives him a concerned look. Hiccup waves him off, then waits a few minutes to be sure that Astrid's home before texting her.
Hiccup: so my dad thinks were sleeping together
Astrid: What.
Hiccup: uh huh he and my mom heard our conversation and thought it was one big sex euphemism
Astrid: why would they think that?
Hiccup: think back 2 the specific wording of it
Astrid doesn't text him back for a few minutes. Then:
Astrid: oh gods
Hiccup: Yup
Astrid: Oh GODS
Hiccup: YUP
Astrid: Should I be laughing this hard?
Hiccup: Not until I give u the details
Astrid: Oooohhhh goooods
Hiccup: Dad: I heard ur conversation Me: about driving? Dad: if that's what ur calling it these days
Astrid: Im dying
Hiccup: I can tell by ur improper grammar
Astrid: Seriously that's a great code for sex people should use that
Hiccup: Hey that's true think of what all the phrases could stand for… like 'switching gears'
Astrid: Parking
Hiccup: Pulling out
Astrid: Accelerating
Hiccup: Going in reverse
Astrid: Hey am I gonna be allowed to hang out with you from now on then?
Hiccup: Are u changing the subject because u can't think of anymore thinly veiled sexual innuendos
Astrid: Maybe
Hiccup: Okay then I set things straight ur good
Astrid: Awesome then I can fully appreciate this for how hilarious it is
Hiccup: Shut up I just got the sex talk a month away from my eighteenth birthday it is NOT funny
Astrid: So you don't think it's funny?
Hiccup: I get to think it's funny YOU don't
Astrid: Hey so your birthday's next month?
Hiccup: Yup
Astrid: When?
Hiccup: …next month
Astrid: SPECIFICS
Hiccup: The end of next month
Astrid: Seriously Hiccup the DAY
Hiccup: The VERY end of next month
Astrid: So February 28?
Hiccup: Something like that
Astrid: What do you mean 'something like that' it's either the 28th or it's not
Hiccup: It's the last day of february
Astrid: So it IS the 28th?
Hiccup: …
Astrid: Omg it's the 29th isn't it
Hiccup: No
Astrid: Omg it IS
Hiccup: Shut up
Astrid: You were born on a LEAP YEAR that's just too good
Hiccup: Shut uuuupp
Astrid: You're only four omg
Hiccup: I've had four birthdays but I am not four and stop using text talk it's freaking me out
Astrid: Omg your dad gave a four year old the sex talk
Hiccup: Im gonna kill you
Astrid: That's so irresponsible should he even be the mayor
Hiccup: Astrid I swear
Astrid: Okay fiiine I've had my fun but don't think this won't come back again
Hiccup: I'll give you full rights to hold this over me if u tell me what you were going to tell me earlier today about the soulmates thing
Astrid: Hey I have to go
Hiccup: OK SORRY
Astrid: No really goodnight
Hiccup: You don't have to tell meeee
Astrid: And I never will but I actually have to go the parentals are trying to make conversation with me bye
Hiccup: Okay bye
The last of Hiccup's hilarity fades, and he's left alone on his bed (save Toothless) to wonder what on earth Astrid had wanted to say to him.
… … …
Dunno which part of this was more fun, the innuendos or the cat puns. Also I have a legitimate reason for this being late – on Sunday afternoon I had like 200 words left to write and then my three month old laptop died FOR NO REASON UGH. after some attempts at resuscitation and a darth-vader like 'nooo' I got out my old laptop to rewrite it but it needs a cooling fan and I sold mine so I had to buy a new one, THEN rewrite this chapter and ps my laptop's still broken and will be forever siiiiigh also that hopefully explained why this chapter was really poorly written, I redid it in under half an hour and pretty sloppily
Okay but you guys are too amazing if it weren't for ur awesome reviews the loss of my laptop would have totally killed me, mind you it still destroyed a little part of my soul but thanks to you I'll survive :) you're all incredible!
