Disclaimer: I do not own Tonari No Kaibutsu-kun.
"And I will make sure to keep my distance.
Say "I love you", when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up?"
-Christina Perri
Natsume didn't know what to think of after that. After the kiss, she ran home, alone. And she was thinking, not thinking about how mad she is at herself. No. She was thinking about how she regretted it all.
And she did not regret the kiss either.
She never said a thing, she just ran. And there were a lot of things she wanted to tell him at that. She wanted to tell him not to leave her. She wanted to just tell him that she liked him.
There were a lot of things, and it's choking her. It's just dying to come out. But instead, tears did. And as she walked quietly now, she wanted nothing else more than Sasayan there beside her.
Why didn't I tell him? Was it because I'm afraid? And I told him he's a coward too. I should've told that to myself. But why didn't I just tell him that I…
I…
I've fallen for him?
Her face was red-hot after thinking about it. Despite all the thoughts that's been jumbling up her head, she managed to feel it all in. And now she's embarrassed. "Stupid Sasayan, why do you have to let me fall for you without you doing anything? Why through missing the little things you usually did?"
Even before, she thought that she liked him back, but she always pushed the thought aside. She can't have herself falling for a guy that easily. With just him being there always for her, with just him knowing her probably more than she ever did. She didn't think it was really true. But truly, after the fight she had with Sasayan, only then did she believe it was true.
He probably thinks I hate him, because he let me kiss him without holding me back. How would I face him tomorrow? Maybe I should just avoid him? Even if I have a perfectly good plan, I would still resolve to avoiding him. Because I know myself, because I just can't look at him... I can't…
I'll only remind myself that I've lost fighiting myself. His hair, his stupid smile, his…
No! Baka baka baka!
He told me he's been hiding it all in when he still liked me. Does that mean I have to go through that now?
But what did he think of after I kissed him?
The next morning she did a pretty good job of avoiding him. She was tired of it, after the fight, they weren't talking to each other. But even so, sometimes when she looks at him, he smiles.
But now, he doesn't even do that.
Maybe he wanted to give her space too.
Maybe he doesn't want to talk about the ki- kiss too.
It actually went on like that for a few days. She hates herself because she knows Sasayan thinks he shouldn't talk to her. But she just can't look at him without remembering she failed on her supposed to be confession.
There are times when she feels she couldn't take it. She wanted to ask him to walk with her one donut-session. But before she could talk to him, he was already pedaling off with his bike.
Days after that, Sasayan didn't try to talk to her completely. He didn't even look at her. Maybe Sasayan was just waiting for her to talk to him first, she thought. And they are doing this all because she's afraid, and she wouldn't face him back, probably because of her pride too.
She was torn. Now she can't talk to him, she busted her chance. He'd think she was playing hard to get if she would talk to him on her own now. She didn't even know if Sasayan would answer her after all that she did. Even though Sasayan doesn't know she's doing it intentionally, it's still terrible, how she's been.
One time she was alone with Mitty. Haru and Sasayan were buying something from the convenience store, probably some chips to give them something good while facing their notebooks, reading their lessons.
And it was one of the few times too, that she had a pretty good conversation with Mitty.
And more surprisingly, Mitty started it.
"He's afraid of you, you know." She said, looking at Natsume with a blank expression.
"What are you talking about?" Natsume asked.
"Souhei." Mitty replied.
His name was like a stranger to her ears. Sure, she knew Sasayan had a real name. But hearing this now was like finding some toy under the bed. Some toy you had when you were just a little kid, and you forgot it completely, and right now it comes back flashing in. She's been too fond of calling him Sasayan. Stupid stupid Sasayan. And because of that, it took too long for the words to come out of her mouth.
"Sasayan? What do you mean he's afraid of me?"
"Remember when he was late for school one time?" Mitty's reply was so sudden that she didn't have time to think about what she said. But she remembers it anyway, so she slightly nodded.
"He told me." Mitty said, and stopped writing on her notebook. She looked at Natsume and continued on, "He told me he was late because he was afraid of running into you on the way to school."
Natsume was speechless, she just stared back at Mitty as if she doesn't even know what they were talking about.
"He said that he went out of his house a little too late because he knows by then you'd already be in school."
"But that was after our fight, Mitty." She said. "To be honest, I don't even quite remember what we were really fighting about. But we talked it out after that."
"Then why are you two acting like strangers this time?" Mitty asked.
"Because…" She said. "I'm not sure. But. Is it weird if I tell you that he's cute?"
"We've had our own preferences. But yeah. Souhei is definitely cute." Mitty said.
Natsume didn't know it that was what really came out of Mitty's mouth. Or if she could even say that. But nonetheless, she felt better.
"I think I like him, Mitty."
"I already quite know that."
"How?"
"That's not important. The point is, is something wrong with that?" Mitty asked.
Natsume looked down, she thought about it. She was silent, like she doesn't know what to say back. And it was true, she really didn't know the answer. Is something really wrong with her liking him? After everything that she's feeling about him, she even almost forgot about his dilemmas with boys.
"Nothing." She just said. But she knows that the problem was Sasayan already let go of her, and that she kissed him. And that she ran away, and she's not ready to tell anyone that yet. Not even to Mitty.
"Thank you, Mitty." She added. "Thanks. For telling me that."
"I'm your friend." Mitty said, looking back now at her notes. "And so is Haru. So if you want to talk to us about something, approach us."
The tears were almost starting to fall. She wanted to tell her, but she outran her, or shall we say, outtalked her.
"You're the one who told me all that before, to talk to friends when you have problems. Now, why aren't you even doing that?" Mitty said. "And next time," she looked at Natsume as if she was about to crack a joke, "Next time don't tell what you feel to a chicken."
"You- So that's why you know about-"
"Yeah." Mitty said, almost smiling. "We were back by then when you told Nagoya how you felt, both of us saw it. Me and Haru. Too bad Sasayan didn't hear it huh."
Natsume couldn't help but feel embarrassed about what she did, and she was looking down all the time. She can't face Mitty without thinking about how silly she was, asking for a chicken for advice.
"But…" She found it good to talk though. "Do you think Sasayan is still afraid of me, Mitty?"
"I don't know." Mitty said. "Why don't you ask him?"
And that was like telling Natsume to ace all her tests. It's too hard, but it's what's best for her.
And it was a short-lived kind of decision-making. Right then the door opened and Haru and Sasayan stepped in, both have their hands occupied with chips.
And that time Natsume felt joyful. As Sasayan put down the food on the table, he sat, and next to Natsume too. Natsume didn't realize she never took her eyes off him the moment they busted in the door. She didn't realize until he looked at her back. And that time. Even if just once, he smiled at her. That same smile she'd always seen, and she came to know. That smile which she learned to miss, and pushed her to fall for him too.
She wanted to talk to him after all that. But she learned that even though he smiled at her then, he didn't try to talk to her once.
Start a conversation, Natsume. Stupid. He's just waiting for you.
The team laughed and ate and studied after that. And it came very late, but all four of them still stayed in Mitty's house.
And they slept too, not minding how uncomfortable their positions are. Shizuku was lying on her back on the couch, Haru was spreading out like a starfish on the floor. Sasayan and Natsume was still sitting side by side. Sasayan had his left hand support his chin, all the while squatting on the floor. Natsume rested her head on the table.
Unfortunately, Sasayan's hand didn't support his sleeping head for too long, and later on his head fell on his side. Even that wasn't enough to wake him up.
That was enough to wake Natsume up, however, as his head landed on her lap. She woke up sleepily, and was surprised to find out that Sasayan was now quietly sleeping with a pillow. She looked at him more close, he looked cute, and tiny, and vulnerable in his sleep. She liked it that she actually smiled.
"I like you, Sasayan-kun." She said quietly. No one heard it, only her. Not with the sleeping bodies and the cold night around her. It was actually the first time the words really came out of her mouth, and she meant it. And she thought, she thought if only then will the words really break free. The words she so deeply hide inside, would it only float through the air whenever his ears aren't there to catch it?
Morning came, and Natsume was the last to wake up. When she did, she looked over at Sasayan, and saw that his face was red.
It would've been embarrassing after he woke up on her lap right?
Natsume can't help but smile.
They walked home after that, actually, only she and Sasayan went home. Haru stayed for breakfast. She feels stupid because now she doesn't seem ready to talk to him again. Besides, the sun was up, it wouldn't be scary to walk alone.
As she walked, even the morning can't take away the thoughts that's been swimming in her head. She keeps seeing him, his face when he was sleeping quietly on her lap, when he smiled at her with that gleam in his eyes, when she kissed him…
Sasayan-kun. Stupid.
Why can't I just get away with you?
She ran home. She ran as quickly as she could. She didn't mind the people who watched her as she sped by them. She wanted to just go home and stay in her room and be alone.
Why can't I just get away with you? Why don't you talk to me with your eyes like you did when you still liked me before? I miss you, Sasayan-kun. I miss it when you look at me like that. I miss your stories about how you hit a homerun, I miss that juice you always buy for me before we go home. It doesn't taste as good as when you gave them to me. I miss the the way you'd walk by me and we'd slide down that steep road, I miss leaning on your back, and the your words that would wake me up when I almost fell asleep. I miss your smile. I miss you, Sasayan! I miss you even though I still see you everyday, 'cause somehow you just standing there without talking to me isn't enough anymore. I miss you Sasayan! And you only make me fall for you harder because of that!I like you, Sasayan!
Please, help me. How long can I keep this up?
Apparently, Natsume was a very strong girl. She kept it up for almost a month. She hid her feelings without telling Sasayan about it. After their study session, the two of them returned to their old self. She talked to him and he talked back. She would still laugh at his jokes, he would still be with her on their way home, they would still play with the boy's cat, and there's still something missing whenever the boy looks at her. Natsume still knows Sasayan felt nothing towards her, well, at least not anymore, and Sasayan still doesn't know that the girl he laughs with everyday had fallen for him. The only person she tells all about it is Mitty, who was beginning to get tired.
"I guess I'm okay with it." Natsume told her once.
"Okay with what?" She asked back.
"With… you know. I won't have to tell him. I mean, I can still see him everyday, and he talks to me. That's about fine."
Mitty answered after a few seconds of silence.
"What if one day," Mitty Started. "What if one day he'll tell you he'll be leaving and he won't be coming back? You won't be seeing him again, for good. And he'll never know what you feel. Are you waiting till the sun rises in the east? Come on, Natsume. Nothing ever happens if you don't try." Mitty was telling this to her without looking at her, just staring at the achromatic pages of her book.
But she knows Mitty means it.
And that question gave her a thought.
A long thought.
Hey guys. I just want to say this is the penultimate chapter. So yeah the next chapter's gonna be the last. Hehe. :)
