A/N: Apologies if the last chapter offended anyone. Also, sorry there wasn't originally a warning. It is fixed now.


Abandonment

Dawn

Part 1

When I was young, my mother told me that the one true strength of a woman is her ability to endure; to endure in the face of everything—suffering, betrayal, anger, destruction. She told me, in place of a bedtime story, to my dismay, more than once, that since the beginning of time women have triumphed simply through their endurance. No matter what men did.

Is that what I was always meant for? Between my father's conscious decision to sacrifice me for the sake of Asgard and my mother's lecturing about endurance and loyalty, perhaps I was always meant to submit to Loki. I certainly did not posses the strength to do otherwise.

Look at me.

For twelve months, I worked alongside Loki's enemies. For twelve months, I attempted to create a new life for myself. In all honesty, I was beginning to enjoy myself. I enjoyed Midgard. I missed my friends and my family, true, but I felt, for the first time, that I could handle myself. It was liberating.

Then Loki returned. His presence was devastating and all-halting. I felt raw and empty—drained of any real emotion.

The morning subsequent to his assault on my body and soul, I laid on my mattress until the sun was high in the sky. Then, I rolled out of bed and forced myself to put on a mask of normalcy. I dressed, even though the fabric felt like pins and needles against my skin. I ate, even though every morsel of food brought on an attack of nausea. I exercised, even though each movement sent shocks of agony through my veins. I trained with Galdrs Hapts, even though the staff refused to provide me with as much as an ounce of magical energy.

It was frustrating—unbearably so. Nothing was working. Barriers would not form, meaning that every time someone shot a bullet at me, it hit dead on. As an Asgardian, I was impervious to bullets, but it still hurt. Eventually, my endurance cracked and I screamed at the trainer to get out. He was noticeably annoyed and angry, but he left nevertheless. The moment I was alone, I threw Galdrs against the floor.

I needed to relax and think things through. I needed to sleep, but I could not return to my room. I avoided it all day long because I did not want to see the proof of the events from the night before. Kneeling on the floor, I placed my head in my hands. I sat like that for ages, trying to meditate, somehow, without the help of Galdrs. It proved impossible.

"Are you okay?" Natasha's voice surprised me and I flinched into a standing position. Unfortunately, my legs were stiff and I swiftly tripped over myself, falling back to the cement floor. Pain shot up through my knees. I sat, cringing, on the floor, not wanting to look up at Natasha. Our last conversation had not exactly ended on good terms. When I finally did, she looked concerned.

"I am well, thank you," I replied sullenly. I needed to be alone.

She cocked her head at me.

"Do you need something?" I asked. She wanted to say something, but seemed to be struggling with finding the correct means to do so.

"I… I've been thinking… about what I said to you…" She paused. "And I believe I owe you an apology."

"For what, may I ask?"

"I was out of line, asking you about Loki. You didn't choose to be left here so I was wrong to judge you for it."

Her words sent an aching pain through my gut.

"I heard you were having some issues with Galdrs." I nodded. "Coulson told me that you agreed to help us in the fight against Loki, last night. Do you think it is something to do with that?"

Of course it is. "I…imagine so…" I allowed, slowly. She moved to sit cross-legged across from me.

"Can I give you some advice?" I felt choked, so I just nodded again. When she spoke again, it was slowly, with careful emphasis on each word. "It is not your fault. Nothing that Loki does, or will do, is your fault. He broke all ties with you the moment he left you here. Nothing he does will ever change that."

I must have looked confused, because she felt the need to elaborate further. "From personal experience, I know that you may feel that you owe him something. You said that you've loved him for hundreds of years. It would be impossible for you not to have considered going to him."

I opened my mouth, but she cut me off. "Don't say anything—you are still here. I don't need you to explain yourself. If you went to him, it would eliminate all the pain and fear that you've felt over the last year."

My fingers shook terribly, so I clenched them together.

"You can't do that, Sigyn. You can't because the last year of pain made you stronger. Going to Loki would just make you the weak, Asgardian girl that you were before."

Her words should have stung, but they did not, because they were true. I was useless before, but now I had force.

"Regardless of what he does, your action needs to be for yourself. I'm not sure what that is, be it fight with us or stand on the sidelines quietly, but I know it isn't to go running back to him like a beaten dog."

She stopped speaking and waited for me to respond.

What could I say? I felt put on the spot. She had no idea about Loki's visit, yet her words rang with truth as if she did. Honestly, I had yet to address the real problem—Loki's command that I spy on SHIELD. The night before, I accepted without hesitation. That was in a moment of weakness. Now, I felt fiercer, as if the haze had cleared.

I cared about SHIELD and, in turn, I cared about Midgard. I did not want Loki to conquer it. I felt an affection for the place that had grown over the past year, and was now enflamed by Natasha's words. I was Midgard's child, and it mine. It would protect me, so I would protect it.

Loki would never understand that. Years ago, I may have assumed that should I go to him with such a dilemma, he would see reason. Now, I knew better. Loki was head-strong, malicious and cruel. He would not bow to any whim but his own.

Should I approach Loki with hopes of swaying him, he would either kill me or use whatever new power he possessed to turn me to his side—as with Barton and Dr. Selvig. That could not happen. SHIELD needed me.

Still, I also could not tell SHIELD that Loki managed to break through their defenses. Should I do so, they would immediately question why I did not go forward—as well as the true levels of my strength. My wishes had shifted. I no longer wished to passively watch as battles ensued before me, as was the way of Asgardian women. I wanted to fight, and I wanted to win.

Finally, I laughed. "Did Coulson send you to make sure I had no plans to defect?"

She froze, then laughed as well. "No. Fury. But everything I said was true, and I would have said it regardless."

I smiled. I trusted her. "Coulson said Barton was compromised…"

"Yes…Loki had some sort of spear that put Clint under his control."

"I apologize. I will hope for his recovery."

She nodded and strode towards the door.

"Natasha!" I yelled, making her stop. "Thank you. You may tell Fury that I am not going anywhere."


A/N This chapter is tiny. But the next one is HUGE. Seriously, huge. I probably should have split it into two, or put some of it in this chapter, but I didn't feel like it. Thanks for all the kind reviews! xoxo