Chapter title is from Say Something by A Great Big World.
Chapter 7: Say Something
"There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand without you even speaking a word."
— Yasmin Mogahed
Derek stared at the loft. He had to leave. He knew he had to. The fight with the alphas was over, and Jennifer was gone for good. But Erica was dead and so was Boyd. They were dead because of him. Cora had almost died. The Sheriff, Melissa, and Argent had almost gotten sacrificed. So many people had gotten hurt because he hadn't been able to protect them. It was his fault. He was a failure as an alpha, as a brother, as a friend, as a person in general. He couldn't manage to do anything right.
And then there was Isaac, the boy he refused to admit he loved. Isaac who was soft and gentle and sweet like the first warm breeze of spring. Isaac who was strong and loyal and kind, who was always there for the people he cared about, who always did the right thing. Derek wanted nothing more than to run to him and cry. To fall to his knees and let Isaac hold him until he didn't feel quite so broken because Isaac could do that for him. But he couldn't do that to Isaac. If he stayed, Isaac would get hurt, and he wouldn't let that happen. He was beyond damaged, and he would destroy Isaac's beauty, his grace. He didn't deserve Isaac.
"Derek?" Isaac whispered. "I know you're leaving."
Derek felt Isaac's breath on the back of his neck just before he felt his hands softly resting on his shoulders before running down his arms. He tried not to think about how much that simple gesture comforted him or the fact that he was so comfortable around Isaac that he hadn't even heard him approach.
"Don't go," Isaac breathed. "Don't leave me."
Derek's breath hitched in his throat. God, he wanted to stay. He wanted to let Isaac pull him in and never let him go, but he couldn't do that. He loved Isaac too much.
"Derek," Isaac breathed once again, slowly turning Derek to face him.
Derek told himself to stay with his back to Isaac, but he couldn't stop himself from turning. Isaac's hands found their way up his chest to his face where they hovered over his jaw until all of a sudden Isaac's lips were capturing his own. Derek melted into those lips. They were warm and soft, and Isaac was being so gentle he almost wanted to cry.
"Don't…" Derek finally managed pushing Isaac back slightly.
"I know you think you're protecting me, but you're not," Isaac looked straight into his eyes, challenging him to disagree.
Derek clenched his jaw and didn't reply. Isaac tried to close the gap between them, but Derek kept him firmly at arm's length. His wolf whined at him to get closer to Isaac, to wrap him up in his arms and bury his face in Isaac's neck, so he could breathe in that familiar scent, but he refused. Isaac looked up at him, the hurt evident in his clear blue eyes.
"Why are you doing this?" Isaac implored.
Derek stared at the floor. He couldn't stand looking into those blue eyes that were brimming with unshed tears. He was honestly afraid to speak. He didn't know if he would be able to lie to Isaac anymore even if it was what was best.
"For Christ's sake, Derek!" Isaac shouted making him flinch. "Stop pretending! I know why you kicked me out. I know what the alpha pack tried to make you do, and I know that you made sure Scott would do everything in his power to protect me! I know you care about me, so please just say something! The alpha pack is gone. The Darach is gone. We're safe now. I'm safe. And I love you. You don't have to keep punishing yourself for things that aren't your fault. Just let it go. You don't deserve to blame yourself for everything."
Now it was Derek's turn to look up at Isaac with watery eyes. There Isaac was full of innocence and honesty despite all he had been through in his short life. Derek didn't understand how he managed to hold on to that innocence, but he was terrified that the world would rip it from him. Derek was afraid that he himself would be the one to destroy Isaac's belief that the world was still a good place full of good people because God knows how long ago he stopped believing in such things.
"Please, say something, Derek," Isaac was begging now.
"I don't know what you want me to say," Derek eventually managed in a strained voice.
"I want you to tell me the truth."
"The truth is I don't love you. I was protecting you because you were my beta, so you were my responsibility, but now you're not. I'm not an alpha anymore. You're not a part of my pack, you're part of Scott's. I don't have a pack anymore. I don't have anyone here I care about anymore. I have no reason to stay."
And with that, Derek pushed past Isaac so he could get outside before the tears started to fall because then Isaac would know he was lying. If Isaac wasn't quite so blinded by hurt, he probably would've been able to hear the change in Derek's heartbeat that gave him away, but Derek's words had distracted him too much.
Once outside, Derek ran until he couldn't move another step and fell to his knees. He wanted to scream, to howl with agony, but that would just bring the attention of the other werewolves to him. What had he done? It was supposed to be the right thing, but then why did he want to tear off his own skin? Why did it seem like the hot tears would never stop pouring from his eyes? Why did he feel like he couldn't breathe, like someone had sealed his lungs shut?
He decided it didn't matter. It didn't matter how broken he was; after all, he had always been broken. He could handle it. Isaac would go back to Scott, and eventually, he would forget about Derek. He would be safe with the pack. He would be happy. And that was all Derek wanted.
"Having a low opinion of yourself is not modesty. It's self-destruction."
— Bobby Sommer
So that was sufficiently heartbreaking to write. Part of me wants to just leave it there because life is shit, so I feel like, in the real world, it would end there. But the other part of me wants to write the last chapter I had in mind which would give it a happy ending. If anyone has any opinions let me know.
