Maybe there's something wrong with me, but hugs with my sister creep me out and we're really close. I think I'll call this the end.
Sometimes the only thing that kept Leo going was the knowledge that this would eventually end. Someday they would be out of this forest and back into the open. Trials never endured forever. There would be an end in sight.
He told himself that over and over as he watched Raph lying there, asleep or unconscious. Even if his brother died, he would mourn. And the mourning would go away eventually. Any way it turned out, something good would happen. If Raph died, then his pain would end. Leo would grieve and they would all feel sorry for him and then it would be over and they would adjust.
But he knew that none of that was true. If Raph died, his own life would stop. There would be no time for grief. Not for his own. Mikey and Don would need consoling. They were selfish sometimes. He didn't even have time for his own suffering.
That was better. Grief would just strangle him until he couldn't fight or make decisions. With the loss of one, their enemies would take advantage. The weakened morale and loss of a fighter would guarantee that another loss was close on the horizon.
Leo knew Raph too well. He could read every expression and glance and most of the time he didn't like what he saw. They had known each other virtually from birth and witnessed the other doing every possible activity. They had seen each other at their absolute worst and most private moments and it secretly made Leo sick to think that anybody knew him that well. It must be nice for people who can keep secrets.
Right now, Raph was lying on his side, his arms in front of him with the slight worried expression that a baby makes when it wants to fuss. He was waking up again. Leo cringed. Raph had woken up six times over the course of the day, only asking for water, for his father and then screaming at him that he wished Leo were dead.
Don read the slightly more cognitive look in the wrinkling of Raph's forehead and leaned down, putting a hand on his shoulder, looking down in his face. Leo backed up automatically to make room. "Raph? You awake?"
Indistinct muttering. Leo looked hard at him. This sounded a little different from the panicked cries he'd grown accustomed to.
"I'm going to give you something for the pain. It might help you wake up." He spoke loudly and clearly, as if Raph were deaf.
Raph could only groan. Leo couldn't tell if it was an assent or a refusal. Don was in charge here and it didn't matter what Raph said either way. Raph's fingers worked slightly against the sheets. He pulled them into his hand and held on.
Don stuck a syringe into the IV line.
Nothing to do but wait for something to happen. Leo leaned back in the chair and sighed. Closed his eyes to half-meditate to pass the time.
Raph's voice shocked him out of his artificial solitude. "What's up my ass?" he asked, in a quiet and raw voice.
"Up your…?" It took a second for Leo to work around to an answer. "Oh, that's a catheter."
Raph smiled at him softly. It was a look he couldn't remember. "This is good stuff he gave me…" He coughed.
"It must be." He could help smiling very ridiculously for some reason. He wasn't happy. He was actually very disturbed. But his face muscles couldn't do anything but grin.
Raph concentrated and pushed his hands down on the mattress, trying to sit up. Leo reached out and helped him into a half sitting position. Raph held his arms out to him. "Come here."
Leo called out the lab door, "Don, did you O.D. him?"
"I don't think so!" he called back. "It's strong stuff! He might be kind of hazy for a while!"
Leo looked back at Raph who had let his arms drop, but was holding them out to him again. "I'd rather not," he said, putting one of Raph's arms to his side.
He was disappointed for a second and then recovered with a smile. "You look real tired. Did somebody kick your ass?"
"Kind of."
"I'm at home?" His eyes roamed around the lab. "Where's April?"
Leo's hand hovered in space, wondering what he should do. "She's at home. She's fine."
He nodded and then he closed his eyes for awhile and Leo thought he was asleep again. Leo's head shot up. He had a perfect opportunity to talk to Raph openly for once before the narcotics wore off and his defenses came up. He shook him awake and felt Raph's muscles freeze and he blinked up at him with momentary terror. "It's just me."
Raph held his arms out to him again and this time Leo swallowed and against his better judgment leaned down against him. Raph put his arms around his body and pulled him down in a grip that let him know that he wasn't getting up any time soon. He tried to make himself comfortable in his awkward position, even though his legs were hanging off the bed in space. It was a strange feeling. For some reason he would rather hold Raph than be the one being held. It seemed like he was on the wrong end of the hug.
It was a testament to the quality of the painkillers, Leo thought as Raph nuzzled him slightly and then let his arms relax. He couldn't remember the last time he had hugged Raph. He hugged Mikey a lot. But there was something about Raph that forbade physical affection of the most basic kind and it made even a post-trauma hug feel extremely awkward. Leo put his hand on Raph's side and patted slightly. Raph's body heat was both reassuring and disgusting at the same time and he tried to block out the familiar smell. Things could have gone so differently though. He could be lying here, wishing he were warm. Smelling him before it was gone. Why couldn't he enjoy it while it was here? It wasn't right. He was more comfortable when Raph stabbed him than when he hugged him.
"You're a good brother," Raph said. "Are we in hell?"
The last sentence was spoken so simply that Leo couldn't understand it at first.
He spoke into Raph's pillow and neck and said, "Hell? No. We're home."
"How do you know?" His voice was barely audible, even though Leo's ear was against his face. "Maybe all this is a trick. I'm being punished all the time. I'm going to wake up in the dark and hear him talking again."
He heard Mikey come in the room, but he wasn't saying anything. Just watching the awkward brotherly affection. Waiting for his turn.
"I'm perfect, remember? How could you be in hell if I'm here?" That sounded so arrogant. He couldn't tell him that he would keep him out of hell. Don't be stupid, that'll never happen. He didn't know. His instincts told him to say he would protect him from that fate at all costs, but that was a road he would have to go down by himself someday.
But Mikey did it for him. "You won't go there. I'll send you to heaven myself if I have to!"
Raph giggled halfheartedly in Leo's ear. The sound was wet and full of mucus. Leo pushed himself back to look in Raph's face. "I can assure you of one thing. That will never happen again. You're at home. You're not dreaming or dead or anything. You're safe, okay."
Normally, these kinds of reassurances would cause an outburst, but he just nodded. "I missed you." His eyes were rolling a little, as if he were falling asleep against his will. "He said you didn't want me anymore."
"Well, he was an evil monster!" Mikey said loudly, moving to the bedside. "It's good that you killed him! He deserved it! I can't believe the stuff he said to you! Making it sound like you and Leo…"
Raph said, in a burst of weak desperation, "None of that's true, Leo! He said it. Not me. I think. I don't remember now…"
"Don't even think about that, Raph. Michelangelo…" Leo hissed. "How did you hear that?"
Mikey hung his head and wrung his hands. "I listened in at the door. But I stand by what I said, Raph. You know, I think words can be the worst kind of torture."
Leo glared at him, willing him to be quiet and he withered and stared at his feet.
"Raph, you should rest now that you're feeling better. I'll get Don to take your temperature."
His head was falling to the side. "Will you stay? I been alone a long time now…"
"We'll stay," Mikey said immediately. He pulled up a chair. Raph reached out and clamped down on Leo's hand before he could move away.
Mercifully, or rather, unfortunately, the drugs wore off. Leo had worked his hand out of Raph's grip when he fell asleep and then gone to his own bed, now relieved enough to get some sleep of his own. They were out of the woods.
His eyes opened to the familiar echo of Raph's voice roaring in protest. "GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! I DON'T NEED NO FUCKING CATHETER LIKE I'M A BABY! GET AWAY! AND YOU'RE NOT GIVING ME… PUT THAT DOWN BEFORE…"
Leo sprung out of bed and found Raph sitting up on the infirmary bed with Don in a headlock, a syringe held loosely in his hand. "Sorry… I won't give you anything for pain again if you want to hurt."
Raph pushed him away and Don fell into a pile of random machinery parts, making a loud racket as he caught himself.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Raph screamed at Leo as he pulled out his IV line with a yank. "Enough of his shit. I need to go to the bathroom. How do you get this fucking thing out?" He tugged on the lead attached to his catheter.
Don jumped to his feet. "Don't! I'll take it out unless you want to tear yourself open. Hold still."
He pushed Raph forward onto his face and Raph rolled his eyes and grimaced as his brother prodded his private areas. His eyes moved up to Leo, who was watching curiously, wondering factually how catheters worked since he hadn't had to implement them. "What are you doing? Get out of here!"
Leo crossed his arms and sat down heavily. He wasn't ordering him out of the room. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I've seen you doing far grosser things."
Raph growled, but it wasn't his usual full throated voice. His eyes were dark and he was thin. His arms and legs were returning to their original color, but the gruesome sores were starting to scab over, which looked even more repulsive. It took much of the bile out of his aggression and left Leo with a slight feeling of pity. "I ain't worried about you! Ever hear of thing called privacy!"
"Not really," he muttered, crossing his legs.
"Done," Don said, holding the thing in his hand and then tossing it aside into a bucket. He reached for a bottle of hand sanitizer. "Can you walk?"
Raph jumped to his feet before anyone could assist. "I can walk. Get away!"
He pushed Don aside again. "Stop pushing me!"
Leo stayed seated as Raph staggered to his feet, catching himself on the side of the bed as if he had an attack of dizziness. He leaned on the desk and then the wall. He waivered and fell to his knees. Don moved to help, but Leo held up a hand to stop him. Leo asked, "Do you need help, Raphael?"
"No! Don't you fucking touch me either!" His voice strained as he pushed himself up on the desk chair. They watched as he panted, trying to support himself. They waited for several minutes. Then he sat on the floor and muttered, "I don't need help, but you can if it makes you feel needed or something."
Leo put an arm under his for support and helped him walk to the bathroom, trying to ignore the look of pain on his face with every step. Mikey rushed over and said, "Hey, you're up! Want some cake! I baked it for you."
"Not now, Mikey," Raph said. He sounded exhausted.
Leo helped him sit down on the toilet seat and then shut the door. "What do you need?" he asked.
"Need you to get lost." Leo didn't move. "Maybe a bath. Don't feel like a shower right now."
Leo knew he couldn't stand up to take a shower and ran the bathwater. Then he sat down in front of Raph on the floor as they waited for the tub to fill.
"I know what hell must be like," Raph said.
Leo groaned. Not this again.
"It's dark and hot. And there's this voice that keeps saying the sickest stuff you can think and you don't want to stop listening… you know…" He looked sideways at Leo and said, "…It'll be the last thing you hear and it's better than nothing. And it stank and my throat hurt. It was so dry, which was fucking hilarious because I was sitting in all that water. Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink."
"I'm sorry," Leo said. It didn't come out as sincerely as he'd hoped. He didn't really want to hear these details. He would listen. He had failed to rescue him. He couldn't take out vengeance for him. He was useless. It was his duty to listen.
"The worst part…" he said slowly, as if he weren't sure he would finish the sentence. "It was hard because he was talking about… familiar… stuff… Kept dreaming that I was at home. That was hard after a while." He sighed and then looked back at Leo as if he had just remembered that he was there. He turned off the bathwater and said, "You going to watch, pervert?"
Leo waited to make sure that Raph didn't fall on the way into the tub and hesitated, his hand on the doorknob. "I have to say… I'm sorry that… this happened…"
Raph settled himself down in the water and winced when it hit his wounds. Then he reclined back and said, "Don't worry about it. It wasn't your fault. I'll live."
"Nobody can break you." It had been in his mind since April's rental car had driven into the field and he'd opened the passenger door. "I know you can go over the edge, but you always come back and it'll take more than this to do it."
Leo stood in the doorway awkwardly, waiting for an angry response. For daring to say something so honest. But Raph didn't answer.
