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Author's Note: Thank you for all your support on this fic. You are all amazing!
Derek's Point of View
I'm being shaken awake. I know I'm being shaken awake but the last thing I want to do is actually open my eyes and turn and see who is shaking me. I am way too tired, way too uncomfortable and…way too hung over. I, Derek Christopher Shepherd, am hung over. I just wish Meredith was here to see this. I would even tolerate her laughing and giving me stick for this. Should I tell her this when she gets home? Will it make her smile? I love her smile. The moment she does, it lights up the room she is in, making everything and everybody else in it look immaterial.
Meredith Grey.
Meredith
My best friend.
Meredith.
The love of my life.
What would she say to Rachel if she knew what she said to mom earlier? Would she yell? Ha, like I really have to ask. Of course she would yell. She would probably tell Rachel how disgusted she is with her. And who could blame her if she did?
I mean I'm disgusted with what Rachel has done. How could she do that to an old woman who has been through hell for the past year? In fact, she's still going through hell which just makes what Rachel did worse.
Meredith, where are you? I need to talk to you about this. I want to tell you that I'm suffering from a hangover. I want to tell you that Rachel is a bitch and I need her to go away but I can't ask her to go because she was there when you weren't. I need to tell you that even though I kind of hate you right now for running, I love you more than anything else in this world. I need to tell you that I want you to be mine. I need to tell you…I need to tell you that you are the love of my life.
Did you know that Meredith? You are the love of my life. I was going to tell you that Meredith. Did you know that? Just before the car slammed into us, I was going to tell you that you are the love of my life. It had taken me years to pluck up the courage. I knew. I knew that you were it for me the moment I met you but the timing was not right and then I convinced myself that you didn't and wouldn't feel the same way. But, I need you to know Meredith, whether you can ever imagine feeling the same way or not, I love you.
I'm being shaken again.
"Derek," someone mumbles in my ear, shaking me again.
Meredith?
"Derek," someone murmurs, shaking me more urgently.
"Meredith," I slip out in a mumble. My throat is so hoarse. I need water. I need one hell of a lot of water.
"Derek!" Rachel shouts, kneeing me in the back.
"Ah!" I screech, jumping off the couch so quickly I can feel myself shake. I come face to face with an angry looking Rachel as I feel my legs buckle with the pain in my back. "What the hell did you do that for?"
I don't really need to ask, I know why she did that. I whispered Meredith's name while I was half asleep.
Rachel looks at me as if she's about to start an argument but her face suddenly calms. The anger in her eyes disappears and she looks at me calmly, softly and looked like the girl I once thought I could spend my life with.
"Did you have a nice night at the bar?" she asks softly. She almost looks sheepish, as if she actually feels guilty for what she has done.
"Yes," I mutter. She might think I'm going to fall for her little 'I'm sorry' act but there is no way in hell that I am.
"Why are you sleeping on the couch?" she asks in a whisper, making sure to look at her feet and not in my eye line.
"I think you know why," I murmur softly, trying my best to keep my anger at bay. My mom needs her sleep; the last thing she needs is to hear us argue.
"She told you," she murmurs, more of as a statement than a question.
"Of course she told me," I seethe quietly. "How could you?"
"Derek, you have to understand," she begins to plead; in that pathetic whiney voice she puts on when she knows I'm angry with her. The voice that Meredith always mocked with Cristina and never thought I knew about. "I've been stressed out about the wedding. It's only six weeks away and everybody has been focused on finding Meredith. I…"
"Of course everybody has been focused on finding Meredith," I whisper angrily. "She is still missing."
"She's not missing Derek," she murmurs. "She ran away from you. She ran away from everybody and all of you are left to suffer the consequences and pick up the pieces."
"We will find her Rachel," I murmur seriously, making sure my tone said that she shouldn't argue with me.
"Your sisters don't think so," she retaliates, ignoring my warning. "And I thought you told the investigator to call off the search."
Rachel finally looks me in the eye and she honestly looks hurt and confused. But I can honestly say that I am passed the stage of caring.
"Well, I lied," I mutter. "And as for my sisters, they are just worried about mum and I. They don't want us to get our hopes up in case we don't find her."
"And that is the exact same reason I asked you to call off the search at lunch time today Derek," she smiles, as if she thinks she is going to get away with what she has done. "I am so worried about you and your mom."
"That is a load of bull!" I shout before taking a deep breath to calm down. The last thing I want to do is wake mom. She has had a hard enough day. "First off, if you were really worried about my mom then you would have never have said what you did to her. You threatened to put her in the 'nuthouse' Rachel. You care? Why the hell would you say that to a woman who has been through hell for the past year?" I ask, slightly pleading. I need to know how she could do this.
"I…I…I just think you and your mom are getting your hopes up for something that will never happen," she justifies. "Just like your sisters."
"Except there are two differences between you and my sisters," I murmur.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she asks, standing up from the sofa. A sign that she was losing control and allowing her anger to get the better of her.
"My sisters act the way they do out of worry and love…"
"Of course they do," she asserts softly. Who the hell is she kidding?
"For me," I murmur and she nods in response. "For my mom," I nod. "And for Meredith," I smile and she looks stunned. "You see, even though I know and understand where they are coming from, I also know that they love Meredith. You don't. Secondly, they act out of love where as you act out of pure selfish reasons. Everything you want revolves around the perfect day whereas I don't care about the wedding day. I care about the god damn marriage!"
"What the hell are you saying?" she asks, looking at me like a deer caught in the headlights.
"I'm saying…I'm saying we need to talk," I murmur honestly, not sure of what else to say.
"We are talking," she scoffs, as if I'm stupid. Well, to be fair, I did say a stupid thing…and I have been stupid because I've wasted my time with a woman I don't love and who doesn't love me; not really.
"Rachel…"
"Derek," she whispers in a whiney voice. "I get that you are mad and you have every reason to be but I promise you, what I said to your mom, I am truly sorry about. I honestly let it slip…"
"Let it slip?" I ask, feeling shock course through me. "So you've thought about it."
"Well, yeah," she murmurs, shifting on her feet and looking to the ground. "Not sending her to psych ward or anything…just…just…"
"Just what Rachel?" I ask, pushing her for an answer.
"I think she might need to talk to someone," she says, straight faced.
She has to be kidding me? Meredith would kick her ass around about now.
"A psychiatrist?" I probe in shock.
"Or a therapist?" she shrugs. "Derek," Rachel sighs. "Even you have to admit that your mom has been through one hell of a lot this year. Why else do you think that she stays here instead of moving back to New York?"
"Because she wants to be here to help find Meredith!" I shout. I feel as if I'm about to really lose control with her.
"No, because she wants to cling onto you," she insists calmly. Where the hell does she get an idea like that? She's looking down at me sitting on the couch, acting, sounding and looking so sure of herself.
"What the hell are you on about Rachel?" I ask, sighing as I am becoming exasperated with this argument. Why did I have to drink so much Scotch last night?
"It's not Meredith she is searching for. It's you," she sighs with a weirdly soft smile.
"What?" I ask, confused. I am way too hung over to understand what she is on about. "Rachel, you are making no sense."
"Think about it," she starts. "Your mom didn't just lose Meredith, she lost you too because you changed once you found out Meredith left…"
"Went missing," I correct. I hate when people say she left. Even though, I know she did, I still hate it.
"Whatever," she sighs exasperated. "She lost you too. I think she does this to humour you just so she can be close to you. She's trying to find you, not Meredith."
I would respond but I can't find the words. The way she is staring at me, I can tell she's serious.
"Oh Derek," she sighs, sitting close to me and putting her arm around my shoulder as if I actually want her comfort. "This isn't your fault. It's hers. It's Meredith's for putting you and your mom through such an awful experience."
That's it. That is the last straw.
"That's enough!" I shout, standing up just to move away from her. I can't even stand to be touched by her. Shit, my back! How did she manage to hurt it so badly? "I'm sick and tired of this!"
"Oh Derek," she sighs, standing up to face me. "I love you so much and I'm just…"
"Oh, come on Rachel," I sigh. "Who the hell are you trying to kid here? You're marrying me for the money and for the convenience. Nothing else!"
"That is so not true!" she screams at me.
"It is," I answer honestly. "You are marrying me because it looks good. I'm sorry Rachel but we are over."
Phew…it feels good to say that out loud!
"No…"
"Yes," I insist calmly, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. "We are over Rachel and let's face it; it has been a long time coming."
"She won't come back, you know," she spits at me.
"Maybe not," I murmur sadly, looking at how riled up she was getting. She wanted me to say that 'I know she isn't coming back' and then fall back into her arms so we can carry on the pretence but I just can't anymore. "But that doesn't change the fact that I don't love you anymore and if you were honest with yourself for just a second, you would know you don't love me either."
"You're in love with her," she states simply, as tears role down her face.
"Yes," I whisper softly. I can't lie anymore.
"You don't love me," she whispers softly.
"No," I answer honestly.
"The wedding is off," she trails off, as she starts to walk towards the hallway.
"Yes," I assert. "I'll make the calls. You won't have to do anything."
"She won't come back, you know," she states, turning to face me, her eyes rather glazy.
"Probably not," I murmur, feeling my stomach flip with nerves of that thought. "But it still doesn't change anything."
"I was there for you when she wasn't," she murmurs, finally looking me in the eyes again. "I helped you get out of the wheelchair and back to work. I held your hand through all the bad times."
"I know," I nod sadly. "I will always be grateful to you for that," I say. What else could I say? You were a nightmare Rachel and you still are? I couldn't say that to her no matter how much I wanted to.
"It's over," she smiles sadly at me.
"It is," I nod sadly. She was taking this better than expected.
"I'll have my bags packed and out by tomorrow morning," she asserts.
I'm about to speak but once again, I can't find the words. It's not until I find my voice to say 'thank you', I realise she has gone back upstairs.
Finally.
Meredith, if you were here, I think you would be so proud of me.
