Diamond
Pokemon-
Chimchar (Punchy)
Buneary (Hoppy)
Diamond's bad at nicknames…
Pearl
Pokemon-
Piplup (Humpy)
Dawn
Pokemon-
Turtwig
Diamond vs. Jesus?
Jack and I took our places by the beach. I tried to get Punchy to warm up with me but it just punched me in the eye. So I let it just punch me in the leg for a warm up. At least it was having fun… Jack on the other hand, didn't even release his pokemon. He just smirked at us the whole time. That kid is totally gay…
"Are the two of you ready?" Pearl asked.
"Ready as I'll ever be…" I said. I wasn't really enthusiastic about this. I used my heavily bruised leg to nudge Punchy away from me. And by nudge I mean kick. "Get your ass in there!"
"I'm ready too," Jack stated.
"Ok. GO!" Pearl shouted. Punchy got into a fighting stance but Jack didn't do anything. "Hey, the match started. Get your pokemon out!"
"Hold on, I'm building suspense," Jack said pulling a pokeball from his pocket. He cleared his throat and lifted his hands into the air. "MORTALS HEED MY WORDS!" His voice echoed across the beach. "You are now about to witness what only a few in our world's history have witnessed. I am about to reintroduce to the world the one and only son of He who answers to I am! Our Lord and Savior! The Alpha and Omega! The Christ!" He ranted. I knew this is going to be something stupid. This guy couldn't actually be trying to release Jesus right? "I RELEASE YOU LORD! GO JESUS!" He tossed the pokeball to the ground.
Instead of Jesus, a Chatot appeared instead… The whole crowd was stunned either out of shock or stupidity. Pearl's face turned blood red out of rage. He doesn't like dumb jokes.
"THAT'S NOT JESUS YOU RETARD!" He shrieked.
"Yes I am," the Chatot said. Pearl's jaw dropped. "Hello. My name is Jesus. I have been reincarnated as a Chatot because apparently, men would rather learn the secrets of the universe from a bird than each other. I have come to restart my ministry in your modern day world and hopefully I won't be crucified like last time… Any questions before I begin?" The Chatot said in an eloquent voice. Everyone except me and Jack was in complete awe. I wasn't going to be impressed by a confused bird and hopefully no one else would. Unfortunately, everyone except Dawn, Cynthia and I got out of their seats and started bowing to this so called Jesus.
I stormed up to Pearl and took the megaphone out of his hand. It was time to spread my atheist point of view and common sense to these people.
"GET UP YOU SONS OF BITCHES!" I hollered. "It's a motherfucking Chatot for Christ's sake… no pun intended! Jack must have taught it to say all that stuff. I'm not saying that there is an actual Jesus but do you people honestly believe that this bird is him? How stupid are you? Have our standards dropped so low that we'll believe anything a talking pokemon says?" I ranted. One man stood up to challenge me.
"Hey kid! What did Jesus ever do to you?"
"The real Jesus never did anything to me. That Jesus and that freak Jack are pissing me off!" I said pointing to the Chatot.
"Let Jesus tell his side of the story kid!" The same man from before said.
"I understand why you're so skeptical. But if you just let me prove my power then you will understand who I am," Jesus- I mean Chatot said to me.
"Fine. Prove your power," I told it crossing my arms.
"Only I am capable of… FLIGHT!" It said before flying up about two feet.
"Oooooooooooh, aaaaaaaaaaah…" The audience said in amazement. This made me extremely angry.
"ALL CHATOTS CAN FLY!"
"That's not a Chatot. That's Jesus!" A little boy said.
"If it looks like a Chatot, smells like a Chatot and flies like a Chatot… IT'S A CHATOT! What is wrong with you people?"
"Um… HAIL JESUS!" The man from before cried out. They all started bowing for the Chatot again.
"STOP! STOP, STOP, STOP! Let me just get my point across before you all start getting stupid…" I waited for all of them to stop bowing and start being attentive. "Okay… I'm an atheist but I still know what I'm talking about so listen up! I know for a fact that half of you aren't even Christian and are worshipping this thing. Why? Why do all of our religions compete for evidence that their god or prophet is real and another's isn't? And once one actually does find proof, others from different a religion joins the band wagon without realizing what they're doing. Just because you find a taco shell that looks like the Virgin Mary or a rock with an impression of Muhammad in it or in this case a Chatot that may or may not be Jesus, doesn't mean your religion is the right one. Why do we get so excited when something like this happens, you ask? I'll tell you. The entire world has come far away from what it used to be and absolutely nothing miraculous has happened. No gods coming down from the heavens, no parting the Red Sea, no people rising from the dead, nothing has happened in the past few millenniums. So we hold on to these little trophies of the past to reassure ourselves that our religion isn't a piece of bullshit that some crazy motherfucker might have made up (cough, Mormonism, hack, cough Scientology, cough). Now we believe in anything that might link us to our past and most of the time they're just deceiving us like a certain Chatot I know... But what I'm saying here is to forget the past! So what if no miracles have happened? We've built on the morals and beliefs of the past and handed them down for generations. We've finally made them our own and yet we still feel like we need relics or a second coming of Jesus to prove our worth. We don't need them! We need to stop fooling ourselves right now! We need to build on the past and live in the present so we can achieve an even better future!"
I closed my eyes to wait for the thunderous clapping for my little tirade. To my dismay, only Dawn and Cynthia were clapping for me. Everyone else just stared at me as if I just did something stupid.
"Duhr… Praise Jesus!" One person cried out. In a matter of seconds they were back to bowing for the Chatot again.
"Oh well. I tried…" I sighed.
"That was a lovely speech," Chatot/Jesus said to me. "I understand your point of view on the subject, but you can't ignore that I'm the son of the living God. Come. Eat my flesh and drink my blood and you shall go to heav-."
"I have half a mind to dip you in boiling cooking acids so if I were you I'd zip it bird!"
"You're not going to heaven with that attitude mister."
I had enough with this thing by now. I lifted my foot to stomp on it while it wasn't looking but Punchy tugged on my pants leg. I have to admit that even though I was protesting against it, I got caught up in this religious nonsense too. I remembered that I'm still in a battle and Punchy was bored and ready to beat up on this bird as much as I did.
"Sucker punch!"
"What- GWAAAAAAA!" Chatot shrieked as Punchy bashed it in the beak, knocking it out in one hit. Everyone except me gasped at once.
"Hey! That's not Jesus!" The same guy from before said.
"What?" I said.
"Yeah! The real Jesus would have known that was coming and shot them both with lightning!" Another said.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" I screamed. "I told you that it wasn't Jesus five minutes ago!"
"Yeah but you didn't prove it."
"Yes I did!"
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did!"
"No you didn't.
"Yes I- oh fuck you people!" I gave up. Jack picked up Jesus and put it back in its ball.
"This isn't over Diamond! The Apostles of Winged Jesus will rise and get revenge on you for thwarting our plan to convert this crowd!" He yelled at me before running away.
"Apostles of Winged Jesus? I feel like I should watch out for whoever they are but I don't really give two shits. That kid's a total fag…"
