For disclaimers and Author's Notes, see Chapter 1.
Quick thank you: To Jordan Trevor, who said (well... typed...) something to me in a PM that inspired a part of this chapter. Thanks, JT! :)
I reach up and lift her chin until she's looking up at me, her delicate features lit by the faint light of the stars that streak by overhead.
"Just for tonight," I reply, and reach out to stroke her cheek, wishing desperately I could promise her more. But I can't.
I can't promise her anything she doesn't want. It would hurt too much in the morning when she pushes me away again.
She nods and I briefly wonder if I am simply imagining the hint of regret in her eyes.
I open my eyes again. Every time I close them I see the same images flash across the back of my eyelids again and again...
She's crying, hunched over in the corner, crying... her shoulders heaving with convulsive sobs... her arms around her shoulders...
"Chakotay..."
They way she leans into me when I hold her, resting her head against my chest, salty tears staining my skin...
"Chakotay... I'm so sorry..."
Her hand as it grabs my wrist... knuckles white... eyes pleading...
"Please," she begs, and I hear her voice crack...
"Don't go, Chakotay... Chakotay...please..."
And that one small question... that final word...
"Stay?"
I turn on my side, looking to the left side of the bed. It is empty.
She is sleeping soundly next door, and I am back in my quarters- alone.
I left her. I did the one thing that I thought I could never do.
Surely it was the right thing to do, for both our sakes...
But I can still see her, her eyes glinting with quiet hope as she asks me to stay with her...
And then the way her face falls when I reply...
But I can't go on like this, loving her as I do without any recognition from her.
This was why I was so hesitant to tell her in the first place, why I only told her when I was sure that what had come between us in the past would be unlikely to do so again. Telling her on New Earth was safe because there was no Voyager. Because there was no crew. No duty.
There were no barriers.
I know why we put them back, I understand why we had to 'define parameters' when we returned to the ship, but that doesn't make it any easier to cope with. If anything, it makes it worse. Because I understand I cannot disagree with her completely.
Because I understand that it is what she wants. She needs those barriers. Kathryn needs 'parameters' to feel safe.
But that doesn't make the pain any easier to cope with.
It doesn't make the yearning I feel for her, or at least the need for her to be happy go away.
There are days when I wish that I didn't love her. that I could only see her as a friend, as the friend I know she sees me.
But then she'll smile.
She'll laugh.
And my heart will succumb to her once more.
I get up, turning away from the empty side of the bed and look back towards her quarters. If only there was some way for what lies between us to cease to exist, if only we could both ignore the barriers... then maybe, just maybe, things could be different.
I hesitate before walking back towards the bulkhead separating our quarters, back towards what lies between...
"Kathryn..."
I imagine her on the other side, sleeping peacefully, finally finding escape in untroubled dreams. I briefly wonder if she ever dreams of me as I do of her, holding her in the way I can only hope to. Showing her how much I love her-
"No." I have to remain strong, for both of us. If the barriers fall now she will suffer even more, she will be faced with an impossible decision- me or the crew. I turn away from the wall, and walk back towards my empty bed.
I cannot make her choose. I could never-
"Chakotay..."
I hear her voice, as though it were right behind me, and I turn again, expecting to see her standing there.
But she isn't. She never is. No matter how often I dream of being close to her, it is always a dream, and I must always wake up.
I look back at the thin bulkhead. The one physical barrier.
The one that would so easily be removed.
"Chakotay..."
This time her voice is quieter. As if she were on the other side, call my name.
But she can't be. It must be my imagination-
A sob. Another sob that twists my heart in my chest.
I swallow. I cannot do this.
I close my eyes and try to ignore the sound of her crying...
