CHAPTER 7
May 27, 2013
I.
I was sitting in the same room with Kimimaro this Tuesday, after his session. I found since he comes here everyday, I got into the habit of chatting with him for each session. He is extremely kind, so of course he won't refuse my company, however uncomfortable my abrasive self may be to him. I began to talk to him about other things other than Akatsuki. Partly, because I find that to be a pretty depressing topic to focus on, and partly because of all the shit has happened to me this last week -I was whining to him about it since I don't have anyone else to whine to. Everybody else is apparently siding with Naruto.
"I wasn't wrong, was I?" I asked him. I had just spent three days telling him my entire history. Background is important. Today I finally got to what happened last week. He was so patient and kind that he didn't interrupt me once.
"Well." He pondered it for a bit, then said, "Can you tell me why didn't you listen to him the first time he cheated on you?"
"Because it wouldn't have made a difference." I said. My eyes were close to watering. "Whatever he says, and whatever the possibility. He may have gotten drunk, or he was forced to, or if the world was in danger and he could only save it by fucking Uchiha Sasuke -I didn't and I don't care. It's all on him."
"I see," he said. "You have a strong sense of morality."
"Only when it comes to this." I said. "I don't when it comes to things like um, indulgence or education."
He chuckled, and his smile immediately made me feel better. It's not about feeling better, however, as he said, "I understand your feeling. I also understand why he does the things he does-without any firm reason why he's doing it, of course. I suppose it's human nature to not be able to wait around that long."
"That's what I was angry about." I said. "And the existence of Uchiha Sasuke just fueled that anger. It looked as if they're still buddies, even. I mean, if he, Naruto, and Hinata are all friends, what does that fucking make me?"
"Well." Kimimaro said, "I am not going to judge anybody here, because I don't want you to blow up to bits. But I think... you should learn to let go."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Everything that has happened made you mad, right?"
"Right."
"Then you should do something to relieve tension. You know pent up aggression can explode in very ugly ways. You should release it as soon as possible, then move on from your currently disturbed life. You should be happy, looking around to find someone you can be friends with and possibly have a future with, by then you can show them you're truly happy. I doubt that you'd care at that point, because your own happiness outweigh any petty competition."
I looked at him with admiration. "Wow. You're so good at this."
He managed to squeeze out a smile.
I sighed.
He then looked at me knowingly and asked, "Do you want to know what's going on? Or do you want to stay mad forever."
"I want to stay mad forever." I said.
"That's not good." He said. "It meant that you still have feelings for him. I know-" He held up a hand to stop me from protesting. "If you bother to be mad at something or someone, it meant the feeling was so strong, it still lingers. It's because there were good times, that's why you're mad. Because you believe he belonged to you once, he loved you once, and you were happy once, is that correct?"
I nodded like a grade school girl after being bullied.
He continued. "Well. If you want to be happy, you have to release the anger. You have to think about the future, and if you want revenge, then do yourself a favor by finding someone to love. From what You've told me, you've been holding onto this anger for six months or so. It's time to release it."
"How?" I asked.
"You're creative and clever. You'll find a way." He smiled with certanity.
I slumped back and grumbled, "Well it's just not the same. You... You're perfect. You loved this girl for so long, and it's unlikely you'll ever love someone else again. You've waited for her for so long, and you even went on a suicide mission for her. You've risked your life multiple times for her, but she... I just... I just measured you up against Naruto, and I found, compared to you, he's nothing."
He chuckled and said, "I'm glad you think so."
I stared.
"Perhaps." He managed to say. "Have you ever consider the possibility that she isn't with me because I did those things for her?"
"What?" I asked, completely confused.
"It is precisely because I'm willing to risk my life for her. It's because I've muddled myself in some pretty deep and dark waters. I suspect she doesn't want to be with me because she knew I wouldn't last a life time long with her. Sometimes there are some things that follows you through a life time."
I blinked. "No way. What a bitch."
He frowned.
I pointed, "See? See? You love her so much that even though she's married, you still frown upon my insult to her name."
He released the frown and placed a hand on mine. "Sakura." He said gently, as if calling to wake up a sleeping child.
I nodded.
"Be happy." He kissed my forehead.
II.
Operation Happy isn't going too well. I found that I had no way to release the anger without seeing Naruto. So a visit to his house must be made. I really don't want to, consider how I walked out from it twice.
This time, however, he only called like a dozen time the first few days, and the rest of the days following I had nothing. I even checked if my phone was broken, but it's not. Apparently he doesn't think it's worth his time to continue pestering me then.
Oh god, look at how pitiful I've become. I want to be pestered by the man I hate.
On top of that, I haven't talked to Ino since then. I think it's the longest I haven't talked to her. I was so determined not to talk to her first I failed to realize that it could meant my friendship with her was over. I would think it's almost humiliating, to have my eight year friendship ruined with the argument of my ex-fiancee.
And I haven't contacted Kiba in a while...
Well, nevertheless. I stomped into Hamptons yesterday to find closure. At the time I had no idea how to find closure, because it seemed pretty damn near impossible. In truth, I hoped to scream at him, or yell at him -and later as it turned out, I did those things, and more.
I first called him, asking politely if I could come over and talk. He didn't dare to refuse me.
I knocked on his door.
After like two minutes, he opened it. I waited patiently and managed to smile at him, "Naruto."
"Sa..Sakura-chan." He stuttered.
"I would like it if you explain to me what happened." I said.
"With... with what?" He asked with fear in his voice.
"With everything." I said.
"Everything?" He looked confused.
"Everything." I walked in, after making sure there isn't anyone else in the house, as I didn't want anybody intruding, I sat on the couch.
"From where?" He was dumbfounded.
"From why you fucked Uchiha Sasuke." I said.
"We were really, really, really, wasted." He said, "I... I didn't think it would come to that. I thought... I thought he was you. We didn't even do any... before you came in."
"Penetration?" I asked to make sure that that didn't actually happen. I didn't know what I expected, because I obviously have thought of every single answer he could've came up with in existence.
He grimaced and nodded.
My head spiraled around a bit, and a very strong sense of... something... washed over me. Pardon my language, because I don't actually know how to describe this feeling. I think it's just a sense of pressure that has been squeezing my body so tightly that I felt it is blowing me up from the inside. I don't know if it's a bad feeling, or a good feeling, but it's definitely not relieved.
If it was relief I might be jumping up and down in happiness and crying rainbows and flowers by now. If it's a good feeling I might be yelling and screaming from the top of my lungs and run back home and tell the good news to senpai. But it's not a good feeling, I know because I can practically see the effect of my reaction on Naruto's face. He's still fearful of what I might do, which cause me to wonder bitterly if he still cares for me as a person at all, or if he just cares about whether or not I slap him.
Then I asked the most dreaded question.
"When did you... and Hinata... when did this thing start?" I asked.
His eyes widened a bit before he looked away and said, "Um. Not long ago...Really."
"So you're saying, you moved on." I repeated after him, feeling foolish.
"Sort of." His answer came slow and unsteady.
Ok, I need to breathe in and out. In and out, in and out. I was only worth five months of heart-break after being engaged for two years?!
This whole shit is just so fucking complicated. I have to keep my cool for now.
"And Uchiha Sasuke?" I questioned Naruto. "Is he best friends with both of you guys?"
"Not best." Naruto mumbled.
I want to grab onto him and shake some sense into him. Or, at least, shake him over to my side.
What did I want? What is this feeling? Do I want him to come over now? Do I want him back? Do I want ...
I am very, very ashamed to say that the next words out of my mouth are NOT my proudest utterances.
"Break up with her." I told him.
He turned his head so fast to stare back at me, his eyes widened.
In the five second interval that he answered, my head spun very fast and it went everywhere. First, it occurred to me that whatever this shit I was trying to pull, it would not work well on any other guy. Naruto is different. Naruto is different in a way that he was raised up by his parents; they held excessive amount of traditional values. They passed them onto Naruto, of course. He has the heart of gold. I'm not kidding. He has the kindest and brightest heart I have ever seen. Well, maybe when compared next to senpai. The difference was that senpai was in a polluted environment of Akatsuki, and Naruto stayed pure and gold all throughout his life. Until Sasuke got mixed up in this equation, I guess.
And I knew. I knew for a certain that if I asked very nicely, if I asked with the threat of tears and death and everything in between, he would do whatever I wanted. He would love me unconditionally, because he once made a commitment to me, and that's the type of person he is.
Would it all be the same, though?
Obviously Naruto's brain did not get this far, because he looked at me square in the eye and asked with completely sincerity, "Is this what you want? Sakura-chan?"
I was stunned by his reaction, even though I guessed it already.
My mind was taken to when we first met. It was a couple years ago, when I was a couple years into post-secondary, and I was invited into a conference by a renowned lecturer.
It was Jiraiya-sensei. He was an accomplished author. He wrote a very philosophical and deep book on the nature of humans, wars, pains, and the state of being. It was a masterpiece and very ambitious. The whole things is worth to devote one's lifetime to study into. Unfortunately it didn't sell very well, because I suspect that it might be too intellectual for the public. Then he switched into writing erotic fiction, occasionally add some philosophical thoughts in between. It was incredibly similar to anarchy, and he connected the two together. Sex and anarchism, therefore it became a series based on menage a trois, a quatre... a cinq.. etc. Even though he squeezed in some question on the nature of monogamy or polyamourous relationships, most of his readers did not care for those. He was invited to the lecture almost three years ago solely on the favor of Tsunade-sensei.
Jiraiya-sensei is a family friend of the Uzumakis, so they all came. That's when I saw Naruto. Or rather, he saw me.
I was discussing Jiraiya's first book with a friend, and he heard me. I admit I was showing off just a little, and I was greatly slamming polygamy because I was programmed in by my very genes and environs to not tolerate cheaters. I did not believe that multiple people could be involved in the same circle of sexual relationships without fallouts. I did not believe that it was intended for humans to procreate with whomever they want. I believed the sole reason why we achieved this level of emotional depth and intellect is because we value abstract relationships. I was blabbing off, going on and on about how I think Jiraiya-sensei is a brilliant writer, but his gender took the best side of him in his creation of these erotic books. I even claimed I read them, which I did and have, but I solely disagreed on his views, not his intent on being a professional erotic writer.
Naruto was standing behind me for a while, and he listened for a good half an hour until Ino joined our discussion, and she was a family friend of Naruto's family. She shifted her head and saw him, then laughed, "Naruto, are you frozen?"
He ignored her, and then spoke directly to me. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto."
I stared at him, didn't know whether to shake his hand or something. So I said, "I'm Sakura."
Then he asked for my number, while my girlfriends were whispering in my ear on how powerful his family is.
He then said, "I completely agree with what you said. Even though I interacted with Jiraiya-sensei, I never agreed with his carefree views on sex. I was looking for a way to argue back at him, but I could never find the words. What you just said is perfect -humans are meant to find their other half in this world."
"But I don't believe in soul mates." I blurted out.
"What?" He looked surprised.
I explained. "Soul mates means that you could only be with one person but there are seven billion of us in this world, it's highly likely that we will never meet. Some people who complete each other will meet, of course. What I may say next may be too scientific, or too logical and cold, so sorry, but I think that we all have a number of compatibility with each other. If we lay it out on a scale of one to a hundred percent. I may find a seventy percent of mine and live with him the rest of my life. Or I may find a forty percent, marry him and divorce him a couple years later. The higher the number, the harder it is it to find. That's why we should work on our relationships with one another, and maybe slowly, our number and compatibility will build up over time."
Then he shook his head, disagreeing. "That, I disagree with. I think there are such things as soul mates, and there won't be numbers involved. You just know, right away, that she's it, and I will cherish and protect her with the rest of my life."
Later I would admit that he had me at that line. The look on his face, the determination, and the goofy but tentative looks he gave me...
I knew too, that he loved me.
Now, looking into that same pair of blue eyes, and his expression more serious than ever. He's asking me if it's what I want. Not ironically, because he doesn't hold sarcastic bone in his body. He meant it. He meant what he said and he will destroy his happiness on the account of me asking him too.
At last, I answered.
"No, Naruto. It's not what I want." I informed him.
He kept staring at me, and I couldn't take his overwhelming innocence and loyalty anymore. I looked away and stood up.
It looks like there's nothing left for me here. I should head back. But a fat lot of good releasing my anger during my visit did me, since I'm now so full of anger and frustration I want to kill something.
No, wait.
That's when I remembered something. It flashed in my mind. There's something he treasured above anything else. I know because it hangs right on the ceiling of his bedroom, and it's the last thing he see when he goes to bed and the first thing he sees when waking up. It's a painting I made for him back in my art course days. A painting of a ramen bowl style house. With doors, windows, and garden made from ingredients of ramen. Also I painted me and him in it, sitting on the front porch holding large chopsticks as swords. They're a pair, and they complete each other.
He loved it. He said it has everything he loved in it. Ramen, me, him, swords, fighting, completion, and my bizarre sense of humor and creativity. It was then he declared he shall built a house exactly like this one day, and soon after, he asked me to marry him.
I went to the kitchen, and grabbed a knife. Naruto looked alarmed, which I rolled my eyes. If I'm going to hurt him I might as well just surrender myself to the police. Instead I went into his bedroom and jumped onto the bed. (Unsafe, I know. Kids, don't do this at home-do it somewhere else. Wait. Why would kids read this? I'm not blogging this after all.)
Then I jumped up, and slashing the painting from one side to another, completely splitting the frames, which probably cost way more than the painting's worth.
Naruto stood at the door of his bedroom, completely stupefied.
I realize now that I'm very evil. I threw the knife onto the ground, and felt more embarrassed than ever. But I justified it by reminding myself that what he did to me made me very angry, and I want to break something else that he loves and treasures just for the hell of it. I looked around, and saw his froggy alarm that we both hated. I picked it up, and wanting to smash it down.
I couldn't bring myself to.
Funny how I slashed his (or really my) painting, but I can't bring myself to slash an alarm.
I bit my lips, and immediately the tears start rolling down. After placing the alarm back, I wiped my eyes and said to him.
"We're done."
His face was pale, and his lips quivered a little. But he didn't move. Or couldn't. I don't know.
I sighed, and walked towards the door.
At some point in our relationship, perhaps along a long and extended continuum, he loved me. Completely, utterly, and without condition.
He did. He really did, he really did.
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
TBC
A/N: Somewhat sad. Remember though, one thing had to end for another to begin.
