June 20th 2005; Slayers headquarters Scotland
Buffy and Giles waved from the station platform as the train pulled out of the station towards Scotland. Tara stared wistfully out the window absentmindedly stroking Willow's hand. Xander sat across from them trying not to stare at their hands. Willow sighed to herself. Even though Tara was still holding her hand she knew that Tara was still uncomfortable. She had been especially quiet ever since she had caught Willow using magic to close the curtains. They were just curtains. They don't have to close themselves Tara had said. Still the train ride wasn't so bad. She saw Tara's moony face reflected in the glass of the window and smiled to herself. She gave Tara's hand a squeeze, even if Tara was mad at her, she was still warm and alive...and withholding the smoochies.
Tara squeezed back. She knew what Willow did was awful. But somehow it just didn't sink in. Willow had been in terrible pain; surely that was an extenuating circumstance. And she loved Willow; she could get her through this. She wouldn't leave because of this.
Xander tried very much not to think of what other delicious things those hands must do.
"So...either of you ever been to Scotland before? The haggis is to die for." Xander said jovially with just a touch of nervousness.
"Xander! Just...just eww."
"Careful Will, you sound like Cordy, you wouldn't want that now would you?"
"You do know what's in haggis...right?" Tara said.
"Err....Not really" Xander shrugged.
"He's better off not knowing baby." Willow planted a kiss on Tara's smooth cheek.
"I don't know what it is about a witch that is so...intriguing" Xander chuckled.
"Is it the fact that I could turn you into something creepy crawly?' Willow said hopefully.
"It's just I can understand giving up the slayer stamina for the enchanting powers of a witch." He was so desperate to say something, anything that he wasn't quite thinking about what he was saying. "Not that I've ever been with a witch."
"Slayer...."? Tara gave her a questioning look. But at least she was looking at her, Willow consoled herself.
"Yeah...Kennedy, don't worry, we've transferred her to Japan...that girl had an attitude issue. No offense Will."
"Y-you...and..." Tara didn't finish her sentence; she just looked stonily at the floor.
Willow glared at Xander. Not like this, please not like this she thought frantically and hopelessly.
"Oh Tara...it's not like that...I mean it is like that-no, was! It was like that, but not like it is with you!" Willow panicked. "You know I love you, don't you? And--and in all fairness you were dead."
"I know." Tara whispered, leaning her cheek against the glass. "You were...bound to...love..."
"Love is a strong word" Xander chimed in. "Kennedy was more...keeping your girl warm at night, right Will?"
"Not helping Xander!"
"Tara...please. Don't be mad at me?" Willow was making her big sad eyes at Tara.
"I-I'm not mad Willow...I just need to think about things, okay?"
"Okay."
Willow looked over the top of her book looking worriedly at her lover. Tara leaned her head against the glass of the window, a couple silent tears making their way down her face. Xander busied himself with going through his entire knapsack trying to avoid hearing this personal conversation. For his liking, they couldn't get there soon enough.
BBB
"I didn't know you could cook." Buffy smiled over the counter at Giles who was busying himself in the kitchen.
"My skills aren't limited to making tea and eating scones Buffy."
"Well I was going to go with slaying demons and reading old books and stuff, but we can go with scones, scones are yummy."
"You're in a good mood Buffy..."
"Or covering up a bad one incredibly well."
"What could possibly have you in a bad mood? Your wish didn't backfire. Your friends seem happy. Evil seems to be giving you a day off. My slayers are rapidly improving."
"I killed Willow."
"What?" Giles looked at Buffy in confusion, unless he was very much mistaken Willow was very much alive and on her way to Scotland.
"Not Willow-Willow. Future-Willow. When I got sucked into the future."
"But Buffy, you were over 200 years in the future how could Willow possibly? Oh. Oh dear." Giles stirred the pot of rice currently simmering on the stove. He might as well keep cooking.
"Yeah. Veiny-Dark-Evil-Miraculously-Ageless-Willow. And I had to kill her Giles. I had to. She was going to- well we never really found out exactly what she wanted other than me dead."
"Oh."
"The wish was a reward for killing her." Buffy finally admitted
"Oh." Giles seemed to have lost his vast vocabulary temporarily, "That's why you chose to bring back Tara- you wanted to prevent that future."
"I just hope it works. I could have got some pretty sweet stuff with that wish. Can't you just tell me it will work and it will all be okay?"
"I'm afraid I can't."
"I know."
BBB
It was later sitting around in Xander's workshop that Willow first began to feel some seriously impending doom. Tara was upstairs in the large kitchen helping 5 slayers make a rather impressive smelling dinner. The large house; Xander jokingly called it a castle- but it wasn't quite big enough. Still it was made of stone and had a turret. Xander had let her and Tara claim one of the nicer empty rooms. At least Tara was still in her bed. They hadn't bothered to unpack though, simply tossed their suitcases on the bed and rushed to their present activities.
"Did you have to tell her, like that?"
"Were you going to? You know I think maybe, hey I was with someone else for 2 years might make it into conversation in 8 days." Xander said as he measured the wood for his project. It was so entertaining that he kept making furniture.
"It was off and on- It wasn't... I was totally scared of telling her. But did you have to?"
"No. I shouldn't have. But you should. You have to talk about it Will."
"I tried. You saw it. Tara doesn't want to talk. She won't even admit she's upset."
"Maybe she's not?" Xander suggested.
"Don't be ridiculous. But I mean comparing to trying to end the world this is small stuff. Right?"
"Too true." Xander continued his work on the chair he was building.
"Hello?" Tara's voice called down the stairs, "You guys going to come eat anytime soon?"
BBB
After dinner, this was filled with slayers boasting and joking around. None of them seemed to know who Tara was. And it made sense. She'd apparently rarely been mentioned. As if she was completely irrelevant.
Tara had heard them whispering that she was Willow's new girlfriend and 'damn that girl moves fast'. And other stupid lesbian jokes.
She had corrected Rowena in this when the young slayer had asked her when her and Willow had met, and she'd responded "Sunnydale University." Giving her the impression she was an old flame of Willow's here on a booty call. It was insulting, but Tara made no move to correct them. If they didn't know who she was it wasn't the end of the world. Besides they had decided to keep the back from the dead thing as quiet as possible.
They weren't even discrete about their whisperings, as young teenagers usually aren't. But in a house full of eight slayers; what could she really expect.
She returned to their room to find Willow had unpacked all of their collective belongings, and was resting in cute pink pajamas on the bed.
"Hey, you did the unpacking." Tara smiled.
"I had some neurotic free-time. And Xander told me I had to stop cleaning things."
"Thanks. I was just getting to know the slayers."
"What do you think?"
"They're...interesting? And possibly suffering from superhero complexes."
"They're teenagers." Willow rolled her eyes, "Well mostly teenagers."
"They think I'm your booty-call!"
"Look I'm really sorry about Ken..."
"I don't want to talk about Ken."
"Well when are we going to talk about it?" Willow asked.
"I'm tired."
"Fine."
A lengthy silence followed.
Tara changed quickly and throwing on a nightgown. Willow didn't even bother to watch her change. She remembered when Willow would watch her; it became less frequent as their relationship went on. But she wasn't even glimpsing.
"Is this okay?" Tara asked timidly, crawling up on to the bed to rest beside her.
"Yeah. I mean of course- its fine. Why wouldn't it be fine?"
"Calm down sweetie." Tara leaned over to wrap her arm around Willow, rubbing her tummy. At once comforting and vaguely possessive.
"I'm calm-ish." Willow answered unconvincingly.
Tara sighed, and she stopped her rubbing, but left her arm across Willow. "You don't have to feel guilty. I was dead. You were a free-agent."
"I know I was. Which is why there's nothing wrong-well not nothing wrong. But it's-well..." Willow gave up on the severely mangled sentence, and let herself simply drift off. "Wanna snuggle?" Willow whispered conspiratorially. But Tara rolled over facing away from her.
"Why the heck? Tara are you really that upset? Baby don't- please don't shut me out."
"I'm not upset. I don't really have the right to be upset I was dead."
"Well totally, it's not rational. Not really. But-"
"I know. Which is why this is so hard." Tara finally got it out. She just felt so guilty for all of this, "Emotions aren't rational Willow, I'm sorry. But I'm upset."
"I just don't get it. I try to destroy the world, I killed and I hurt people. And you're all warm and comforting and everything I don't deserve and you're mad because I had sex with a couple other women?"
"There were two?"
"Tara...baby...I..."
"Willow, c-can we just not talk right now?"
"I'm sorry Tara...I can't sleep here, not like this." With that Willow got out of bed in her pajamas, walked down the hall. She did a special knock on the second door on the left.
"Willow… no…" Tara tried in vain to stop Willow from leaving. But she did anyways. It was going to be a long night.
There were very little spare rooms here at headquarters. But Willow knew there was someone else she could count on to stay with. She knocked on the door. "Xander it's me."
Xander answered the door in blue boxer shorts and a t-shirt that he was just pulling on over his head.
"Either this is an extremely ill-timed erotic dream...or judging by lack of Tara and lingerie..." Xander stopped in his tracks at the evil eye he was getting. "You and Tara have a fight huh?"
"Yeah...but it's not a normal fight-fight, it's one of those cold-fights. Tara doesn't get loud and angry, so...she can stay cold-mad and pretend nothing is wrong. It can go on for days."
"Was it the killing people thing?"
"Actually it was the majicks and the me sleeping with other women thing."
"Well my king-size bed is your king-size bed."
They lay there silently in the dark, comfortable in their familiar camaraderie.
"It's nice having her back...but I'm not getting any loving'"
"Will- you know you can talk to me about anything, but you might want to reconsider talking to me about that thing."
"Why won't she talk to me about it?"
"Well...sometimes...when someone gets jealous maybe it's because they're afraid they don't...you know measure up."
"Was that like you with Spike and Anya?"
"Oh no I have him beat."
"As a lover?"
"By an inch and a half"
"Xander! Eww!" Willow thumped him with an overlarge pillow as she giggled. "Somehow I don't think the problem can be solved by both Tara and Kennedy dropping their pants."
"Yes we men folk are simple. Hit with stick. Fondle the bosoms. Measure the schlongs."
"I just...I need to find a way to show Tara what she means to me...I mean at first with Ken...I was thinking about Tara when we-"
"Will, do you really want to finish that sentence?"
"I guess not."
"I don't know Will- I don't think there's a way for Tara to just look inside your head and see that she's all that's going on in there."
"Hrm maybe....Hey bosom-fondling isn't just a guy thing! I do that too!"
"Kinda figured with the whole 'gay now' thing and all."
"Hehe bosoms."
And with that the pair slipped into a very deep and comfortable sleep.
BBBB
That morning, for the first morning in a long time Willow woke up next to a man. Unfortunately it was not a one-time occurrence. For the next four nights, despite Tara's half-hearted attempts to get Willow back into the same bed, Willow and Xander were still bunking together. Which made Tara even more withdrawn, despite being entirely platonic.
There was work to be done here, slayers were always training. And there were plenty of books for research and computers.
Most unfortunately it was causing the young slayers (little pervy killing machines) to keep their heads in the gutter. The whispers were almost more than Tara could bear.
She heard them gossiping early in the morning, they must see things, coming back at all hours from patrolling.
"Can you believe that Willow?"
"Did you hear she's spending her nights in Xander's room?"
"Threesome action baby!" One of the slayers quipped, putting away the weapons from her slaying the night before. She shot her friends a devious look and a smile.
Oh my god...you're such a pervert." The last slayer in the group giggled.
"Well what else would they be doing? Swapping beds in the middle of the night?" The pervy slayer responded.
That evening Willow knocked on Tara's door
"Can I come in?" Willow said hopefully.
"Sure...if you want." Tara opened the door.
'Look Tara...I...we...can we just talk for a second?" Willow was pacing around by the window.
"I guess."
"You know there's nothing going on with me and Xander right? Well obviously." Willow managed a smile and rolled her eyes.
'I-I know...but they think."
"Tara who gives a damn what they think?"
"I do!"
"It's not like we can tell them that you are the love of my life, who, by the way, was recently brought back from the dead! We need to keep that quiet."
"I know..."
"You know I love you. You know there were two other women, and you know that it doesn't mean nearly as much to me as being with you. It's in the past, its over."
'I know...I just...and the magic."
"Call the coven if you want, talk to them, they can tell you about my 'rehabilitation' if that will really make you feel better. They're nice, they'd love you. Anyways, I can control it, and if I can't...well...Buffy promises to make it quick."
"Willow!" Tara cried in shock, at hearing her beloved talk so easily of death.
The pause in conversation was somewhat inevitable.
"How...do I know that they weren't....better?" Tara asked quietly.
"Tara, believe me, even looking at you gets me more excited than they ever could. It didn't compare, okay?"
"But how could you- devalue yourself like that, making love to a woman you… don't…?"
"It was just sex. Well not just sex- sex is great. And Kennedy and I dated for a while. But sex is-it's nothing."
"So when you are with me? When you touch me that's nothing? It's not like you Will. You love. You don't just…"
"Tara! Just...just tell me what to say to make it better." Tara just stared back at her in wordless silence. "Is it about them? The slayers? Because we can tell them that you are my college girlfriend and we're back together if that'll make you feel better."
"Could you just...leave me alone for a while?"
"Yes...I can do that." Willow turned to go. As she closed the door, she turned back. "I love you, you know."
Later that night Willow tossed and turned as Xander sawed logs peacefully beside her. She saw the door open and a figure walk towards them. The figure leaned right over her, pressing into her skin through the blankets. She felt a familiar hand in hers, felt the hot breath of Tara in her ear as she whispered. "Come back to bed sweetie."
Willow got up and the two witches walked hand in hand back to Tara's room. Willow thought briefly that this wouldn't do anything for the rumor mill they had going here, but at least Tara wanted her back in her bed. As she pulled back the covers she suddenly felt Tara's arms tighten around her. She was pressing fully against her back. Abruptly nuzzling into her hair, her hot breath against her neck. She felt the familiar stirrings of arousal; the heat rapidly rising in her body. They hadn't even kissed yet, but it wouldn't be long now. Tara always managed to turn her on rather quickly...given that all she really had to do was exist.
Tara was placing hot kisses along Willow's neck and ears, one arm firmly grasping her waist, while the other arm slipped under Willow's pajamas to cup her breasts. Willow sighed...it had been far too long since Tara had touched her. In an uncharacteristic rush, Tara dropped her hand from Willow's waist to cup the heat between her thighs. Willow knew she was already wet, had been since Tara pulled her out of Xander's bed.
Tara smiled into the back of her neck, moaning appreciatively pressing Willow more tightly against her.
Her head lolled back against Tara's shoulder, which was now- Willow was not too surprised to note -bare. Tara quickly removed Willow's top and turned her around to kiss her mouth hard. The passion was overwhelming, Tara's tongue darting out seeking entrance to her mouth. But it reeked of possession, ownership. Tara's arms wrapping around her tightly and pushing her backwards onto the bed. Tara's hands seemed to be everywhere all at once, groping insistently.
Willow felt several more articles of clothing fall to the floor. She felt hands caress her in the most private of regions, still stroking her wet heat, Tara pulled back to look at her. Her eyes were dark, hungry and she groaned at the sight.
"How do you want me? You want me on my knees?" The spicy-talk came flowing out of her lover's mouth with confidence. Willow just moaned in response, she'd never been really good at talking dirty; then again neither was Tara.
For a few minutes, they moved in the dark, kissing, groaning but not speaking. Then Willow was sitting on the edge of the bed. She pulled the drawstring on Tara's pajama pants and they cascaded to the floor pooling around her feet. Tara started kissing down Willow's lithe frame, her hands pushing Willow's thighs apart as her mouth left a trail down her neck and bosom, as she felt Tara's mouth pass her midriff a wave of realization went over her. This wasn't right. This wasn't like Tara.
"Tara- Wait, stop." Tara's mouth dared lower...
"Let me- let me take you." Tara breathed, hands still caressing her skin.
"No. Stop."
"Do you really want me to stop?" Tara mumbled against Willow's hip.
"Tara...could you maybe...just hold me right now?"
Tara stood up, looking slightly guilty, "You don't want me?"
"Not...not like this, not when you're trying to prove something. I'm yours Tara, you don't need to prove it to me, and you don't need to win me. You have me" Willow planted a chaste kiss on Tara's shoulder. Tara pulled on her pants and reached for her shirt. She noticed that Willow was watching and gave a half smile.
Tara planted a kiss on Willow's mouth, and the two crawled into bed. Lying there in Tara's arms Willow felt that she was back where she was supposed to be...if only she could get Tara to see that. And sure, she had to get to sleep turned on as heck. But she could feel Tara breathing. And for the moment that was enough.
BBB
July 1st, 2005
"Giles, I need to get going."
"One second," Giles handed his slayers small envelopes, "Here is slayer-allowance for the next month. Buffy will give you your next increments."
He watched the two girls climb on the train, laughing and joking with each other. Obviously pleased to be reassigned, even temporarily to Buffy's or Xander's squad.
"So. I guess this is it for a while, huh?" Buffy looked at Giles.
"Here" Giles handed Buffy a much thicker envelope, it was addressed simply to Tara Maclay.
"Why are you giving this to me?"
"Give it to Tara when you see her, it's important."
"Alright. Well, uh bye." Buffy hugged Giles briefly before letting go and making her way to the platform.
"Buffy?"
"Yes?"
"Give me a call when you get in."
And Buffy smiled.
BBB
"Hey Will, hey Tara- oh Giles said this came for you." Buffy handed Tara the package.
"Thanks Buffy." Tara eyed the package, before retreating upstairs to her room to open it alone.
Willow looked from Buffy to Willow.
"What's in there?"
"Something for her from Giles." Buffy shrugged. "I didn't really think much about it."
Buffy and Willow exchanged a glance, before Willow seemed to make an internal decision.
"Tara?" Willow called, rushing up the stairs after her lover.
She found Tara sitting on the bed, papers spread out over the comforter. But she wasn't looking happy, she was looking very unsure.
"Tara?" Willow asked again.
"I was hoping...now that it's here. This is what I wanted you know...to be like Mr. Giles."
"You want to be a watcher?"
"No I want to be a librarian."
"A librarian? Isn't that sort of the same thing?"
"Well, I always knew it would either be museum work or library archives. And Giles had connections at one of the universities here. He got me into a Master's program."
"You're leaving me? Again?" Willow felt like she was going to burst into tears.
"I am not leaving you." Tara stood up, trying to grab Willow's hands, but she pushed them away.
"Well going away, going to be living somewhere else in..." Willow paused to read the forms, "City University London. So London. Because going to London isn't leaving me at all. It's not even in the same country Tara!"
"I just…just wanted to have something to do. I always planned on grad school, you knew that."
"Yeah but that was- well we would have done it together. Well you would have done it a year before me, but still."
"I know. But it's been so hard. And maybe having something to keep me busy will help. And Masters of Library and Information Science might keep me busy. I don't know. I need something."
"There's -things to keep you busy. There's slaying, and researching- and there's me." Willow tried to console her.
"Willow. I am not leaving you. I just need to have something outside the slaying. I don't want it to take up my whole life."
"You're becoming a librarian. That's practically Watcher-school."
"Well the deal is I do work for Mr. Giles for a year after I finish. I mean he is helping out."
"Helping out how?"
"Paying. Finding me an apartment near the university. It's all here." Tara gestured at the papers.
Willow looked at them and then looked at Tara, "But it's in London."
"Xander said you were pretty much gone most of the time. I don't want to sit around waiting for you with nothing to do, and no money- how do you expect me to support myself?"
"Well yeah- but that was off learning how to strengthen my magicks and with Kennedy and – I got sucked in by something out there. It's over now. I guess I just figured I'd stay here and help. Buffy is the travelling one. I just teleport. Well did. Can't anymore after-" Willow realized immediately after what she said when she saw the look on Tara's face.
"Teleport? You teleport? Willow!" She accused her. So readily. And damn did it ever hurt.
"I can't anymore. Just get nose bleeds. Remember that day you walked into the kitchen and my nose was bleeding?"
"You said you hit it on something."
"Well… it felt like I did?" Willow suggested hopefully.
"Willow." She sobbed.
"When I went on… well whatever you want to call it. I met this snake demon thing. Called Saga Vasuki. I was her student. And my magic- it was amazing Tara the things I could do. But when I cut ties with her I lost it. The magic I mean."
"You were addicted again."
"Maybe."
"A demon Will? You fight demons; you don't make buddy-buddy to improve your skills."
"She fucked me. I nailed her. We shagged- whatever." Willow blurted out.
"What?" Tara whispered, totally aghast.
"I had sex with her. It's what she does with her pupils. The whole coupling to feed off power thing. Or you could sort of think of it as payment...for majicks rendered."
"I've heard of Saga Vasuki before Will, she's like this big snake thing."
"When?"
"Read it the magic shop years ago when we were looking for that giant snake thing."
"You know. I might just remember that a little. I don't know. It's like I wasn't me. Well I was me only… I don't think I can explain it. I think it's because I'm so drawn to majicks."
"Probably is. Was this before or after Kennedy?"
"Umm… concurrently?" Willow felt like hitting her head into the nearest cabinet.
"God Willow...you...you disgust me right now, I need...I need to go away for a while."
"Tara...baby- wait!" But Tara was already across the room throwing things into her suitcase. "I just needed to tell you everything."
"Willow I've had enough, I need some space and some time to think....I'm sorry."
'But...Where will you go?"
"Westbury, to the coven...I've been meaning to go there for quite a while."
"Is...Is this the end of us?"
"Oh Willow." Tara took Willow's face in her hands. "I don't know. I'm sorry, but I really don't know."
